It wasn't brain surgery

This last year has been full of unexpected events, acts, and thoughts. I have felt out of control, overwhelmed, and numb. Looking back...as you know hind sight is always 20/20....I see that I lost faith in myself a bit. I got tired and let thoughts and feelings of others taint my own thinking. I didn't think I had...well at least not as much as it had. I took a look at myself the other day...and I can't say I have ever liked what I saw...but I was ok with what I saw....not this time. I have gained almost all my weight back even presurgery weight. My clothes no longer fit, I have problems with my feet that I am dreading seeing the doctor about because I have a feeling he will tell me to stay off my feet (something I don't have the luxury of). I have lost self confidence, not that I had a lot to begin with. Anyway we all know the feelings. 

While searching for inspiration and motivation I found a few images that I was going to put here in a draft to write on later and came across a draft that I had never written on. It is the below paragraphs. It struck me....I have been searching for so long...even when I originally found the writing...and in searching again have found it again. I have never acted upon it. I had let the words go in one ear and out the other never stopping to reflect or act upon how they made me feel. It was easier I imagine then to put it aside and I will get back to it. Well when will I make the time to stop putting me aside to deal with later. I would have never thought I would be so heavy again, or getting myself so overwhelmed that I totally just didnt care about myself.  I have quit things I enjoy doing which has taken more from me than I had ever imagined. Somehow I must make the time and steps to get back to me no matter how small those steps or how long the time it takes. 

I want to be open to the things around me and to understand and get back to who I am. Not let others thoughts and feelings they carry affect me. It is my life and it is time that I hold onto it and ride my ride of life.

Please enjoy the passage below and look at it and reflect upon it. I hope it moves you and makes your heart beat with a hunger to be all that you can be. To be true to you.

"You've got work to do, so strip yourself. There’s something that you’re supposed to do that is your mission in life. To complete it, you must avoid the mind pollution coming from others who don’t have goals or dreams, and who don’t have a reason for being here. As you begin to look at yourself, and go after your goals and your dreams… begin to strip yourself. 

Strip yourself of the behaviors, thoughts, habits, and attitudes that you know will block you from achieving the things that you want. Strip yourself of all the things that are none of your spiritual business. Stop buying into other people’s stories and excuses, instead of taking care of your own business. Strip yourself of the excuses, and all of the reasons that you've given yourself for not achieving your goals. Be about the business of making things happen. Let go of the things that don’t serve you, and launch forward to your dream. You deserve!"
— Les Brown

Believe in yourself!!! Truly believe....

First of all I want to truly thank everyone that has come to my BLOG either by choice or by accident, and has taken the time to read just one of my postings. It means so much to me that I have been either a source of information, support, a laugh, or just so you know someone feels the same as you do. I also want to thank everyone who has commented on the posts and let me know how you feel and enjoy my posts and BLOG. So a HUGE HUGE thank you from the bottom of my heart! You all inspire me to continue both my BLOG and my journey.

I started this BLOG so long ago as a way to help me through this journey. A way of letting me release what it was I was feeling, a way of validating that what I was feeling was real so to speak. I am not one to ask for help. If I do ask for help, it's because I have gotten to my wits end and feel that I am going to break or lose my mind. When I feel that I have no options left real or not. This BLOG was a way for me to cry out to family and friends without having to cry out to them personally. See just because I finally asked for the help doesn't mean that I can talk to anyone and actually take it. But that is not what this posting is about.

When I started this whole process and journey of having the Lap Band surgery, I believed in some part of myself. I even got my surgeon to go ahead with the Lap Band rather than the RNY like he suggested. I had lost my 10% of weight before surgery all on my own. I felt good and confident that I could do this!!! That I was ready! Somewhere along the line I lost that belief. My old ways of thinking and eating slowly crept back, till the next thing I know I am slipping and from that point on I have struggled with losing any weight other than the 10% I lost before surgery.

Please, I come to you as not only someone who needs to learn this for herself again but to reach out to any who may have the same feelings. A good friend of mine tells me no one said it's going to be easy, but anything worth the work is worth the reward. I have another friend that likes to say "it was weight loss surgery, not brain surgery....you still have your mind to deal with".

Believe in yourself! Truly believe! You have come to this point either looking to have surgery, have had the surgery, or just looking for something anything. You have already taken the first step...could be the hardest step....but it is YOU that has taken it. I have heard people tell me this whole time that it took time to put the weight on it will take time to get it off. This is true....but the time it took to put the weight on, at least for me, was masked behind emotions and just mindlessness. I ate to escape, I ate to be happy, I ate...because it tasted good! No matter how or why I ate...I ate without thinking! Now that I have the Lap Band I no longer have that option no matter how I may fight it! Yes, it's going to be hard and yes it can be a total pain in the butt! Counting calories, weighing your food, chewing everything 30 times, the time it takes to eat a meal and being with those who can still eat whatever they want and how much. Don't think of it as all of that! You can't!! You must put yourself first! You deserve it weather you feel like it now or not....YOU DESERVE IT!!! You deserve to feel happy and healthy (and no I didn't say thin or skinny!!!). Believe in yourself to be what YOU want to be not what others think you should be.

Always believe that you are worth whatever you want...no one knows better what it is that you want other than you. Don't be ashamed to want to have a healthier life (you may have friends or family that without thinking will try and sabotage you). You need to believe that you are strong enough to do this! Let's face it....it is no easy task being overweight! You have been strong through those times believe in yourself to be strong now. Don't let others bring you down. Most people don't understand the struggle it is to go through this...but you are more than this struggle.... believe in yourself to be happy. I'm not saying put on a fake smile and get through the day, although I have done that more times than I care to admit, and still do. What I am saying is believe that you are making these changes because it is something you want, and that you have a vision for you and don't let anyone take that from you!

I have much to learn to get to believe in myself again, but I am on the right track. Know you are never alone no matter how alone you feel you are. There are support groups and things out there of people who have gone through the journey too. I have been to some when I needed just to feel not so alone. I'm not one for sharing (I know but I have a BLOG sharing lol) but it does me good to know I am not alone in how I feel. Please feel free to write to me, (I believe I have a link to go straight to email if you don't want others to see I will double check), of your struggles, triumphs, or anything. One day at a time I start to believe in myself more and more. Never forget that you are always worth believing in yourself! You are truly one of a kind! Be happy, be you, and always believe that you are something special....because you are!!!

The difference even 10 pounds can make

So today is day two of being back at the gym. Those of you that know me...know I love the gym! Something is a bit off though and it's me! Even though I am a big woman and always have been, I have always been able to feel good at the gym, confident no matter what level I was with anything. There was a time when I started many years ago that I was insecure, but those days have been long gone. These last two days, I have felt insecure a bit...not overwhelmingly so but I'm not on my A game!

When I walked in the gym today, I walk in head held high and feeling confident until I step on the treadmill. My foot does hurt (plantar fasciitis). Dr. wants me to stay off of it but because I can't he has me just stretching and icing it and praying I don't screw it up more. I am a bit of a hard head when it comes to pain and pushing through it....I'm a no pain no gain kind of block head. "Grins"

I start my warm up walking pace after I have stretched out both feet....yep my other foot I have Achilles Tendinitis but it is under control. The gym seemed hot today too like they had the heater on and it wasn't cold outside. I kept on though, my headphones blasting and my towel covering the readout on the treadmill. The first 15 minutes are always hard for me...I need to keep telling myself come on...not much longer till your over the hurdle. But something kept the hurdle going today! I kept pushing myself but it felt like I was carrying about 50 extra pounds! Little things distracted me like my shirt was tighter and was hanging up on my butt and belly a bit, I was hotter and sweating more than normal, my foot wouldn't quit throbbing and pounding with pain, and I just couldn't find my groove. I had to keep pausing to stretch out my foot and I would stretch hard then my calf and shin would ache but my foot wasn't noticeable as much, so I would continue. I fought for every minute today.

After my workout, tired and aching I went to the locker room to change. I thought about my workout today and realized.....I let the fat and weight win today. I let it distract me. I did my workout but it wasn't the high I normally get and I didn't keep the pace and push that I normally keep. I won't let that 10 pounds rule me anymore.....I am stronger than it! I will center myself before I go to the gym and find my strength within that is a kick-ass woman and won't let anything beat her!

Since I pushed so hard today without thinking straight...I have hurt my foot again and need to wrap and ice it all night and hope I can stand on it tomorrow morning.

My lesson for today....my weight only holds power over me if I allow it. The guilt I feel about gaining it and the shame for letting it happen grew only because I let it. I will not be ashamed that I gained it because I am taking steps to lose it and make myself healthier. I will walk tall knowing that I am not my weight....I am a strong confident woman who can hold her own and is more than a number on a scale. No excuses only results and hard work!

Tomorrow is another day a brighter stronger day!

My motivation/inventive jar

I tried this earlier in the year....I think it was February or so. It didn't motivate me then but then again I don't think I was ready. I still struggled with restriction issues and my lapband and I think it was easier to find an excuse with it not to go to the gym than I honestly care to admit....even though I do truly love going to he gym. Well I am I hope in a better frame of mind this time and I have no excuses....well I can always come up with some kind of excuse because I'm creative...lol. Seriously though, my lapband is unrestricted and I can eat anything I want which is forcing me to be aware of what and how much I eat, and to be accountable for every bite. I must return to my will power and determination to get me through. I know I can do it...I had to do it before I got the surgery....and its been the only weight that has stayed off! So I must go to that place again!

This jar, as you see holds money, and not just any money....a dollar is placed in this jar everytime I complete a gym session. A gym session is 45 minutes of cardio, and another is 30-45 minutes strength training. If I do cardio and not strength training it's a dollar put in, but here is my restriction....since I prefer strength training....if I only do strength training that day, no money is put in because I didn't do any cardio. Sucks I know...lol but I know me. If I do strength AND cardio then I get two dollars put in as motivation. The potential to add up is great, as my normal routine used to be (and what I want to return to) is cardio 5 days a week and strength training 3 days a week.

Here is the motivation/incentive part. When the jar has $100 in it I will change it to a hundred dollar bill and I will reward myself with something small for me....no food rewards!!! Maybe a couple pair of earrings or a new item of clothing, something $40 or less. Then as my jar gets to $200 I will change it out with another hundred dollar bill and reward myself again with something medium sized....again no food rewards!! Something not more than $60 for this one. Finally when the jar reaches $300 I will again change it out to the hundred dollar bill but I will make a reassessment of how to continue. I will reward myself with something larger and then go from there.

My goal is to be under 200 pounds....even if it means 199 pounds! I used to want to weigh 165 but I don't think I will look good and I want to still be curvy, but strong and most important healthy and happy with me!

Today a dollar was put in! I am anxious to see how quickly it fills.

The battle of the bulge....the saga continues....

About 3 weeks ago I had my lapband loosened by 3cc. I wasn't able to eat the foods I needed to eat. The only food that would stay down were sweets and soft foods no good proteins. I had my metabolism checked and it showed I need to eat more calories but good calories. Good news is now that my band is loose I can eat....anything! Bad news is....I can eat anything!

I tried on a skirt that used to be baggy on me yesterday and it fit snugly. I have felt weight coming on but didn't address it as I should have. Well when the skirt was tight I decided I don't care how badly my foot hurts I can't not go to the gym anymore!

Went to the gym this morning wanting to tackle the world and push myself till I broke....but knew that was not what I needed to do. I weighed in hoping that the scale said 353 like normal.....but no.....it said 362!!! It was hard not to beat myself up. I got on the treadmill and started in. I pushed as hard as I dared....but I must admit my head was not totally in it.....but I went and that's the point...now to follow through....no eating out, no junk food, no alcohol, start logging my food, and measuring my portions. No screwing around! Time to make time for me! I don't want this weight anymore! I must find the strength and motivation within me to keep up the fight and to succeed! So first step started....time to keep them going.

Getting through the day



The day started out like any other day. I wake up and hubby and kids are hungry, me not so much. We go through the same question routine..."What do you want for breakfast" which usually ends in I don't know what do we have or what sounds good. Thankfully hubby knew what he wanted to eat. He requested toasted English muffins, one set with peanut butter and jelly, and the other set melted cheese. Ok easy enough.

 

I go out to the kitchen start toasting the English muffins. I grab the margarine, cheese, and jelly from the refrigerator. The first set of English muffins are done and toasted. I put them on his place and go to spread some margarine on them. I grab a small handful of cheese and top the English muffins so I can put them in the toaster oven. As I lifted them from the plate some of the cheese fell off, just a few shreds here and there. But without thinking I grabbed them up and started to put them in my mouth. I stopped myself before I went through with it and put it back on the English muffins. The second set of English muffins were done and I spread the margarine on them and started to spread on the peanut butter. Again, after I had spread the peanut butter on the English muffin, I started to lick the peanut butter and margarine off of the knife! I again stopped myself, but just how many hidden calories have found their way to my body because I just cleaned up the plate or the knife. I took hubby his breakfast and was a bit glad that the food was gone.

 

I went back into the kitchen to make my breakfast. Two scoops of my protein powder, 8 ounces of water and a spin in my Magic Bullet. Instant breakfast. It's no peanut butter and jelly but it's not bad. I am used to them as I usually have one before I go to the gym in the morning, but it's different knowing that this is all or almost all I can have.

 

 



Lunch time came around and I was feeling pretty good about everything. I fixed the hubby some smoked sausage and some potato salad I had made the night before. I plated everything up for him and damned if I wasn't going to lick the spoon with the potato salad! I DON'T LIKE POTATO SALAD!!!! I stopped myself again from eating it.

 

As the day progressed I started to get a headache from right between my eyes to the base of my head. The headache wasn't too bad to start just an annoyance, but as the time went by it started to pound harder. I know the feelings of blood sugar dropping and I could feel mine getting lower. I took my blood sugar and it read out at 96, which is a normal reading for not being diabetic. I'm not diabetic in the sense that I have to take medicine or insulin I control mine by diet and exercise. My normal sugars run about 118-125 depending on what I eat. This reading of 96 was after I had drank my protein shake and time had passed so it should have been in my system. I know that this was going to happen going down to such a calorie deficiency, but it still has me off my game a bit.

 

I think dinner was the hardest for me tonight. The other meals were not foods that I really cared about or really enjoyed tremendously. Dinner however, was hard to cook and smell the pork chop, the stuffing cooking, the color of the broccoli and how it would have tasted. I didn't want another protein shake, not now so I ended up eating some yogurt and some cream of tomato soup.

 

Hubby's dinner, pork steak, broccoli, and stuffing

Dinner is done and I have logged all of my food to check on my calorie intake. All of the food I've eaten today only comes to 787 calories. The calories are good for today, a day that I'm not at the gym, but I am a bit concerned when I got to the gym in the morning. I will work off a good 400 calories with just my cardio which means that I have to replenish those calories to keep my metabolism up and my body not eating itself.

The day has not been too bad for the most part, just a bit of a challenge getting my thinking back to where it needs to be. I can raise my head high to the fact that I have lost a pound since the fill and that I overcame the urges to eat the things I shouldn't have. The fight and the drive is within me I just need to keep reaching for it until it comes without thinking.

The rules I must follow

I thought it would be a good thing to write down the rules that I must follow now that I have my band tighter. I am going back to what it was right after I had my surgery. There are some really strict rules that didn't really affect me after my surgery in 2008 but will affect me now that my band is tight. Now these are not verbatim from my binder from Kaiser Permanente where I had my surgery, but this site breaks it down a bit better than my binder. To give you an idea I went through about 9 months of classes to prepare for my surgery, so that I knew everything that had to be done to make it a successful tool. So most of the information I know is not in the binder but all of the classes that I attended.

I found this site that breaks down your diet and eating habits after surgery. My additions are done in red.

Post-lap band surgery, your gastric capacity has been restricted between 3 and 8 ounces .Hence, the first few days, you need to respect the recommended amounts and the allowed foods, in order for your body to adapt and to reduce nausea, pain, and vomiting.

The volume of food ingested should not exceed a small dessert cup or an 8 ounce plate. Remember that you must eat slowly and chew very well each morsel of food. *Now what they mean by this is very very specific!!! The size bite you will now and forever eat is the size of a nickel!!! That bite you MUST chew for 30 chews BEFORE ever swallowing! Try it sometime it's darn near impossible! But must be done!

You can drink between 1 and 1.5 liters of water daily outside the daily meals. Remember to do it slowly, in little sips and preferably with a little spoon. *You can not drink through a straw either as this adds air to your small pouch and will make it feel full and be very uncomfortable.

Remember that the liquids you drink must be low in or free from calories . You can use a sugar substitute such as SPLENDA, no-Sucar, Equal, Nutra sweet, etc.

Avoid food that could cause obstruction in the passage of food from your stomach to the small intestines such as: raw food with rind (apples, pear, mangoes, etc); seeded food (blackberries, guava, kiwi, popcorn, seeds like peanuts, almonds, cashews, etc.); fibrous food (Mandarin, orange, pineapple, etc). *Now these may seem like they would never block or cause an obstruction but you must remember that the size of the opening from your small pouch of a stomach to your larger stomach is the size of a dime! So look at a dime and think that everything you eat must pass through that.

You should not drink any liquids, not even water during meals. Do it 15 to 30 minutes before or after meals.

Do not drink carbonated drinks or alcoholic beverages for six months after the procedure.

Do not stretch, recline on the sofa, or lie down in bed after eating.

Do not eat dried nuts or ceded fruits until indicated by your nutritionist (blackberries, peanuts, cashews, almonds, guava, strawberries, etc).

Ideally, medicines should be mashed and diluted in water to permit better swallowing and absorption. You can even consider taking the liquid versions. If that is not possible, take the capsules in the way mentioned above.

Avoid sugar-sweetened foods and drinks (marmalades, coconut water, etc).

Stop eating when you feel satisfied, don't wait till you feel completely full.

If you have vomiting or constant diarrhea for more than 3-5 days, call your doctor.

Your nutritionist will recommend the nutritional supplements and food in order to maintain the adequate proteins and calories for your daily needs. *For mine I have to take 1500mg calcium, and a multivitamin. A lot of people need to add iron as well.

When you eat food, remember to chew properly and with the mouth closed, and try to take your meals in a calm and relaxed pace. *Hardest thing in the world to do!!!! It takes a long time for you to eat. I have sat at the table long after everyone else has finished their meal. You must not rush for anything!! It causes PB (productive burps ie up chucking), or worse yet, food sticking and causing terrible pain and pressure! Trust me not fun on either point!

Do not forget to take your daily vitamins. *Very important since you will be eating far less food and getting far less nutrients!

Here is information from my binder of what and how much I am to eat and for how long:
First off the guidelines...
Your meals must be spaced 4-5 hours apart
Each meal should take you 30-45 minutes to eat.
Calories to eat - 700-900 calories per day
Protein - 60-80 grams a day
Carbs - 100 grams from fruit and veggies
Fat - 30 grams a day
Fluids - 64 ounces a day minimum!!!

Stage I
Liquid for 24 hours!!
Jell-O, broth, tea, diluted juice, Popsicle

Stage II
Duration 2 weeks!
Soft blended foods. For example: Protein drinks, cottage cheese, pudding, Popsicle, diluted fruit juice, yogurt, strained cream soup, broth.

Stage III
Duration here on out for the rest of your life
Solid foods.

I didn't really follow to the tea stage I as I had some pudding and some clam chowder but I didn't eat much of the potatoes etc of the soup just the broth. Stage II is going to be the test for me. This will let me know if the band is too tight. If I have trouble eating these for the whole two weeks I will need to go and have some taken out. Which I'm hoping I won't have to...but it may have to be. I need and want this to work this time. The killer for me will be the 700-900 calories! I don't have a full or hungry feeling ever I just don't have the triggers that tell my body I'm hungry or full. But I can tell you that going down to that low of calories you feel it!!!! I will be exercising on top of this as well so I will have the added duty to eat to maintain those calories or my body will start to feed on itself and my metabolism will go into the toilet and it's already too slow now! My head has to be in the game on this and I can't let anything distract me from it!!!

New fill whole new beginning!

First I am sorry for dropping off of the face of the Earth for the last month. January was a very hard beginning of the year for me but I don't want to go into all of the trials and tribulations of family, finance, emotions, and stressors of the month because I am really trying to move past that and to be more focused on me. I wanted a better me, a better life, a new start this  year. With January being so up and down I didn't want to wait any longer to finally get my head on straight.

It was hard to look at everything that needed to be done and to not get overwhelmed! I am the type to take on everything all at once and drive myself insane trying to accomplish it all. Then when I am unable to get everything done or it is not up to my standards I beat myself up, cry, isolate myself, and always eat! Even if I can't eat because of the unnecessary stress I have just put on myself I will still eat and then upchuck it then try and eat some more. I usually end up with some form or candy bar or sugar something as it dissolves and will slide down to my stomach and let's face it....it's chocolate what wouldn't make you feel better right??? Well sadly it did for a second until it was gone and then I was back at beating myself up for eating the chocolate or junk. Vicious cycle!!!

I was encouraged by a very dear friend to just take on a few things at a time and do them and do them well. Not to take on every one's problems as my own and not to let things get to me. Keep a positive attitude and keep moving forward. Now for those that know me will think well shoot she always has a positive attitude. I used have a positive attitude for everyone but me. Life seemed so daunting and just overwhelming with everything that I could be encouraging for everyone around me but when it came to me I was on the verge of doom and gloom. It was hard for me to be happy, truly happy.

So my friend helped me to think of the big issues at hand and start from there. Finances, and my health were top of the list! I can not be strong of mind and body if I am not healthy. I can't beat myself up if I am eating healthier choices. I can't be happy if I don't feel healthy and for me to be thinner. Weight has always been that monkey on my back...if only that monkey would jump off I could probably lose a good 20 pounds although that monkey feels like it weighs 120 pounds...lol. Then the finances...well who doesn't have issues with finances even if you are stinking rich. I needed to live within my means and stop buying things to make me momentarily happy but added to the stress of financial hardship and trying to find a place to store all of it. I sat down and drew up a budget the best I could knowing that it's going to be a work in progress until things are back to basics and normal again. Absolutely no spending on anything that is not needed and yes that means candy bars too!!! Secondly it was time for my health. I contacted my doctors for various things that needed to be addressed and caught up on appointments that I had been putting off. One of those appointments I had been putting off was getting another fill in my band. I had gotten my band checked a year ago this month and all of my 10cc's were still in there but I didn't feel any restriction..I could still eat far too much! I could eat things that I wasn't supposed to be able to eat like bread and cookies and rice among other things. I had no problem eating anything unless I was stressed or super emotional and then I couldn't keep anything down. My Esophagus felt like it closed up and anything I ate came back up. Except the sweets which sometimes even they did too.

I made the appointment for a fill as I had gone from 305 pounds in late August to 362 in January. Ugh now if that isn't depressing!!! I currently weighed in at 352 yesterday when I went in for my fill. I had asked my doctor if he would give me a 2cc fill rather than just 1 as I had been at 10cc's for over 4 years and have never felt any restriction and would really like to feel some so that this tool I have had placed in my body is finally put to work for me. He agreed with the stipulation that if it feels too tight or that if I have problems that I not wait another year to get it fixed. I agreed with a smile.

With every fill there is the standard consume only fluids for 24 hours. Me being sort of a hard head I pushed the limit a bit, sort of. I had some clam chowder for lunch, only tried a very little bit of the potato and solids, tried two small squares of Jell-O and a couple of spoonfuls of pudding. Most of it stayed down but some came up when I felt like I had eaten too much which I probably did. It wasn't violent like some of my PB (productive burps the bariatric community like to call it) but more like I had just overfilled a pitcher and it was spilling out. I ended up consuming about a half of a cup of food. Last night I had some chinese egg flower soup mostly broth and was able to consume a good healthy cup, cup and a half of it! The kicker was this morning! Breakfast! Always the hardest meal for me as everything has tightened up and is hard to eat and keep down even if I am not stressed.

I made two scrambled eggs for me as I don't like runny yolks. I made breakfast at around 8am....at around 11:45 I lost some of those eggs in a PB. I had only been able to get one egg eaten before I upchucked. I then tried some applesauce, it went down easier but still took forever! I was able to finish eating my other egg after I had put it in my Magic Bullet and made it mush and added a bit of mayonnaise so it would slide down. Everything finally felt like it had moved to my stomach by about 1:30pm!!! Wholly cow!!! Breakfast from 8am-1:30pm to eat 2 eggs and 1/2 a cup of applesauce! Now that will keep me from grazing for sure!!!

I can only imagine this is how my band was SUPPOSED to feel when I first had my surgery back in 2008! I had never felt restriction and any weight I lost was all on my own determination and will, which does say something about me. I had the surgery for it to be used as a tool even though it never has been. So I have dug out my binder from my original surgery to follow the plan there to see if I can keep my fill this tight or not. The first few weeks are liquids and soft foods, so plenty of protein shakes for me! I am hoping to see the weight start dropping off like it should have from the beginning. Meals for me can not be any bigger than about 1/2-3/4 cup of solid food before my pouch feels too full. My only worry is that I am able to maintain enough food to support my heavy workouts with my strength training. That too will have to be adjusted....the food not the training! I am very excited to get back to my really hard heavy training and feeling good with and about myself and soon to see that thinner, healthier, happier, more energetic me!!!!

Fingers crossed this goes as planned but rather than getting down if it needs adjusting I need to keep my spirits high and positive and just adjust it and keep pushing forward! Good thing about all of this is our food bill will shrink to nothing!!! Which helps my financial issues even more. A win win situation if you ask me. If you follow my other food BLOG you will see that food changes will be happening but all the good stuff I cook for the hubby will still be there!!

I have tomorrow to work on timing it will take for my protein shakes to move through my body before I hit the gym again on Monday. I really am excited! There is going to be a lot of changes and bad habits that I will have to make with this...but this is what I wanted from the beginning! Carpe Diem!!!! I'm going to seize the day!!!

Happy New Year 2013

Happy New Year everyone! I hope this year is full of joy, surprises, hope, triumphs, and if there must be pain,  may it not linger and you not suffer.

Looking back over the last year...well let's just say, I'm very glad it's over! I have learned many lessons both good and bad and I have struggled and sometimes triumphed. I have seen that I am usually my own worst enemy, which I have always really known, but I have really seen it first hand this last year. I have tried to fake it till I made it and there is just too much on my plate to even really try to accomplish even faking it.

So this year I am trying to take care of me one step at a time. Now if you know me at all...you know that I would rather poke my eyes out with a red hot poker than to try and do anything for me. But I have seen that this has to happen. It is no longer just a want but a need. I have been painfully reminded that I am not the person that I used to be that the old happy, confident, fun loving, woman I used to be has been lost for a long long time. That my efforts to put on that happy face mask have worn through and the suffering that I feel now shows. Now most people would say well screw them at this point. My head and thoughts turn and attack me and make me want to isolate from anyone and anything, including my puppies that I love so very much.

No resolutions this year but trying for a new way of thinking. Trying to get rid of that stinking thinking therapists always love to say. I'm not going to diet but to make healthier choices and be more accountable for what it is I shove in my face...which I am sad to say I have already blown today but tomorrow is a new day. I won't blow an entire day with one bad choice for a meal, I will make better choices for that next meal. I am trying to not take on so much on my plate so I have made a list of things that I want done and trying to make a schedule of when to do them so I can plan for things better. Also I'm not cutting back spending but again making wiser choices. It's all about putting the positive back in my life no matter how much the thought of it makes me cringe. It's so hard to look on the bright side when your face is in the mud, but even the sun comes out and dries up the mud and makes grass and flowers grow....I need to become one of those flowers again....even if it's a weed like a dandelion.

So one day at a time...one moment at a time...I will get there....