You've come a long way baby....

Today I was talking with a friend of mine about another friend of ours that is starting the journey to bariatric surgery.  Our friend was upset because her doctor told her that she had to lose 50 pounds before he could even think about doing the surgery.  And it dawned on me....

I've come a long way.  I remember when I first met with my surgeon and he told me that I had to lose 10% of my body weight before he could do the surgery.  Now I knew that this was going to be asked of me because I had gone to classes and groups preparing me for my first meeting with my surgeon.  I thought oh my gosh 10% of 413 pounds you have got to be kidding me!!!  How in the world am I going to lose that much weight?!?!  How can I get that much weight off before my next meeting with my surgeon in a couple of months?!?!  You have got to be kidding me.  Then I remember talking to my surgeon and he wanted me to have the bypass surgery and I wanted the Lap Band.  He told me that it would be better for me, and I would lose the weight faster and more of it.  But I stood by my decision on having the Lap Band.  I can remember promising him that I would work extra hard to get the weight off.  That I was capable of losing the weight I needed with the help of the Lap Band.

Of course I was scared at first.  I was really good at first, because let's face it....I wanted the surgery!!!  But then as time went on., life got in the way.  Old stressors and triggers were still there and since I hadn't dealt with how to deal with these things, I went back to my old ways and started eating again.  I would beat myself up and be good again for awhile but I would again eat.  This went on for awhile until it became closer to my next meeting with my surgeon.  I didn't want to let him down.  I had promised him that I would work really hard and I had to prove to him that I was worthy of having the Lap Band surgery.  So I did what ever was needed to get the last few pounds off. 

I felt fantastic that I was able to do it!!  I couldn't have done it without the few support groups I talked with and went to, but I really couldn't have done it without the classes and all the hoops Kaiser put me thorough before the surgery.  They tell you it's going to be hard and that you will have to work at it.  They tell you that surgery is just a tool and should be looked at it as only that.  You have to do the rest!!!

Well October 20th will be my 2 year surgiversary and I still struggle with the eating and losing the weight.  But I can now see that it's me that holds all the cards.  It's my decisions that determine weather I do good or not.  In fact I haven't seen my surgeon in almost 8 months and I'm supposed to see him every month, well now it should be every 3-6 months, but I'm embarrassed to go see him because I haven't kept up my end of the deal.  I have broken my promise.  But I still keep trying.  If you have followed my BLOG for any length of time you will see that I fall off then get back going again.  It sometimes takes me longer to get back on track again....but I DO get there!!!

As I was talking to my friend, I could feel my chest puff up a bit knowing that I have fought this battle and even though I haven't won it yet, I have the desire and fight to keep fighting it!!  I no longer think that my surgery is a magical pill, or a quick fix.  Like I have been told before, you had stomach surgery, not brain surgery.  It finally dawned on me that...I have come a long way baby....I still have a long way to go....but I AM on MY WAY!!!!

Cleaning house in more ways than one

I have taken a lot of time to think about what is going on in my life and how I want to live it.  I have been worried about others feelings, situations, health, and financial issues.  The whole time I have the same issues to deal with but tend to push them aside.  Well I don't know what changed or why but I have gotten a sudden urge to take care of me and my family, meaning Jim, Shadow, and myself.  I will still help others because that is who I am, but we are coming first for a change.

I started yesterday by cleaning out some banker boxes from the garage.  I threw away one box worth and the other two I packed up for Salvation Army.  It felt so good to have a clean spot in the garage.  Granted the clean spot is only 2 feet by 1 foot, but it's CLEAN!!!

So today, I was able to sell a friends monitor for him (not to mention he bought me a new pair of shoes, thanks Scott!!!) and was feeling pretty good getting rid of stuff.  So I came up with this idea to donate my old pc's to a non-profit haunted house that another friend of mine runs.  They got broken into a while back and their computer stuff got taken, so....I'm giving them mine.  I trust them, they can use them, and I'm helping a good cause which makes me feel fantastic!!!  So then I cleaned out two big totes full of stuff out of the garage.  One was full of clothes that neither Jim or I could ever wear....well not unless we starved for a year...lol.  So off they went to Salvation Army.  Then the other tote was full of party decorations and balloons for weddings.  I hated to get rid of that because I love to decorate...but I'm not doing any weddings now and there is no sense to keep them, so they went on Freecycle. 

It has been a tough journey and I am no were near being done.  I even looked at the price tags on some of the stuff and felt sick because I never did anything with the stuff.  It sat in totes for years, not months, days or hours....YEARS!!!!  But after that thought passed, the thought of being able to have friends over without cringing, being able to do my crafts with room to work, and to have a garage that Jim can park his motorcycle in and actually work on if he wants.  No more saving for maybe someday....I'm going to start living in today.

Now I have to admit, that this feeling won't last forever.  My track record of this is not good.  I get this feeling off and on but then I get discouraged because of the sheer mass of everything and lack of time, and of course the emotions that go along with it.  But I am going to fight for this one this time.  I even posted on my Facebook page that if you don't like who I am, and the way I do things....you have complete control to delete me from your friends page.  I am not changing for you because you think I should.  Nope!!!  I even deleted a few people that were talking smack behind my back.  Sorry people, but I don't need your issues!!!  I have my own!!!  If you are to chicken caca to say something to my face, I don't have time for you!!!  I have always been up front and open with everyone, and now I am expecting the same!!!

I'm going to continue my journey and make it my own.  I'm going to cook how I want, post what I want, and do what I want to do.  If you choose to take this journey with me, rock on.  If you don't, well walk on by or stand aside....I'm coming through!!!

Smiling on the outside, twisted on the inside.

I'm sorry that I've been away for so long.  This has been a long two weeks for me. I had to take some time away from me.  When I say take some time away from me, I have to try and stop moving in the direction I'm going and take a breath and really look at what it is I am really doing.  Since I am emotionally involved in so many relationships, I haven't been taking care of myself.  I know I do this as a way of not facing things about me.  I have been backing away from my gym workouts, family and friends all because I am running on pure emotion and not brain power.  The only way I can really explain it is if you watch the Dog Whisperer he says that we give our dogs affection over discipline because it's easier on us, but it's not what is really best for your dog.  So I guess this is where I look at myself as a dog owner and dog and woof at myself for not taking myself out for walks, no discipline, giving too many treats, and neglecting my needs.  Bad owner....

I make light of this but it's really an issue for me.  I had to take a week off from Facebook because I didn't feel that I could in good conscious face my friends with happy thoughts and comments when I didn't really feel up to it.  Don't get me wrong, those happy thoughts and comments towards all of my friends and that is real to them.  It's the happy feeling I feel inside that is missing.  The minute I let everyone know that I needed some time away, all of my wonderful friends rushed to my side.  I had support like never before.  Everyone was there for me.  But even all of the support couldn't get me back up....at least in the beginning.

As the days went by of my silence, I started to let some of my gloom go.  It's still there because  the problems are still there, but I have been able to breathe again.  I will still follow the same path that I was headed on with helping and taking care of things but I don't feel so smothered.  Now it's not my friends that smother me, it's me that smothers me.  I know that most of you won't be able to understand this if you have never had this issue to deal with.  Trust me as I even write this, I keep looking at the Bugles and the corn Doritos thinking just a few won't hurt.  I have been able to resist, but man the fact that this happens at all after this long is upsetting.

So why do I torture myself like this?  I know I am not good about sharing my emotions and feelings, even on here, I hold back...I don't want to scare you all away.... You do get a lot of it but it's so much easier to bury it deep within myself then to have to deal with it.  But then it oozes up to the top and starts to drown me.  I'm the one that does this...no one else tells me to do this, this is something that I have learned all on my own.

I'm trying to keep busy today to trying to keep the gloom away.  I just need to stay focused on what it is I want and not what everyone else wants.  Even though no one is asking for anything really.  Well some are but that's something different, sort of...ugh!!!

I'm going now....enjoy your day and I'll be back soon!!!

Wonder how much a lobotomy costs?

I am again noticing that my brain is far stronger than my....well everything else.  I have eaten cookies and ice cream because they slide down easier than having to sit and wait to be able to eat a regular meal that takes....oh say half an hour to 45 minutes!!!!  And I guess it doesn't help that my old insecurities are popping up again...ugh!

As most of you know, I have a friend in England that is having some trouble with his business.  I have grown to really love and care for him, as I would with any of you.  The only difference is that we have never met.  But in my eyes it doesn't matter.  Well his laptop hasn't been charging so we haven't been able to chat that much online.  It wasn't until I saw his photo on Facebook adding friends that my insecurities started up again.  Is he just my friend when it suits him or am I just a pawn in a little game he is playing.  Why would he love or care for me?  I know what you all are thinking, I've sent him a computer, I've been there for him, called him everyday, but that doesn't matter.  My head still wonders what I have to offer him.  I'm not sexy or thin, I do have a good personality, but how can you get to really know me when the phone calls are only 3-5 minutes long?

But my insecurities are more than just dealing with him.  When I go to the gym, I feel ok, because I feel in my comfort zone...I know that I am strong!  I may be fat but I am strong!  And no one can take that away from me.  But when I'm out in the world, I am still that lost little girl who is pretending to be strong for everyone else.  Nothing can get to me.  Which in turn is just the opposite!!  I worry every time I buy food, I wonder if people are looking into my basket to see if I should be eating that or not.  I worry every time I look at clothes, are people looking at me, like wholly cow, she can't be thinking about wearing that!!!!  I wonder when I walk down the street if people are looking at me wondering what kind of a lazy bum I am that made me this fat.  All of these things and more add up inside me until something puts me over the edge, like seeing my friend online, to make me doubt everything I have worked so hard for.

I think deep down somewhere inside of me, I really think that I am worth everything or at least something, but it is buried so far down in me that sometimes it's hard to find.  I can have people tell me that I am worth it and tell me how much they love and adore me, but my head won't hear it.  It comes back to my head telling myself, they have to say that, they love me.  Which isn't true, they don't have to say that!! 

I think the worst part of this whole thing is that it makes me jump to conclusions before I find out all of the facts.  Since I don't like myself, why would anyone else.  Which is what happened to me this morning.  I instantly thought that my friend no longer liked me and was looking for someone else when all of this was the farthest from the truth.  He was just going through his e-mail on someone else's computer.  I know devils advocate could say that my instincts were right, but my heart tells me different.  It would be nice if my heart and head could be at least somewhere on the same page or even continent!!!

With all of this happening, I am still going in both directions of eating and not eating.  When I eat, it 's the wrong things, when I don't...it's no food at all!!  This in turn is making me very weak and vulnerable.  Which is probably putting more fuel to my distorted fire!  So how do I overcome this?  Who knows.  I sure don't.  I could tell you as if you were a friend of mine, and tell you exactly what steps you should take.  But as for me taking that information and applying it to myself, well that's another story!!  Why is this so hard?  Ugh!!!

Well after talking to my friend my mind has been put at ease and I am feeling a little better, but the embarrassment of having to fall apart in front of him doesn't sit well.  It showed him that I am weak.  And now that I have blogged about it, you all know that I am weak!!!  But that is what my blog is for.  I need to see these things that haunt me and to confront them head on.  Or head off in some cases....lol.

So if I ever find a place that does lobotomy's for a group rate, let me know if you would like to join me.

Random happenings....

I can't say as anything spectacular has happened since my last blog, but there have been things going on.  Let's see let's start from the beginning...

Wednesday night I was late getting to the gym because I was chatting with a good friend online.  So as I rushed to make it to the gym to meet up with Scott, I totally put dinner out of my mind.  Wrong thing to do for me lately....but I digress.  Well Scott and I missed each other so I went ahead and did my workout alone.  Oh it felt good though.  I never realized how good it feels to have sweat dripping from your bangs, nose, ears, and soaking your shirt.  It's strange I know, but it feels like accomplishment for me!!!  I feel like those are the pounds just dripping off of me. If only it were that easy!!  LOL

Anyway, I finished my workout and called Jim to see if he wanted to go to the Silver Skillet for dinner.  It's a truck stop restaurant by us.  I was dying for some rib tips.  When I called he said sure but that I have to come home first because my best friend Wendy had called, and wanted me to call her back.  So I came home and called Wendy.  She had finally found out what the sexes were on the kids!!!  Woo hoo!!!  It's definitely a boy and 75% a girl!!!!  I couldn't believe how happy I was for her.  Oh it was like they were my kids...well they will be soon!!  LOL.  Wendy and I talked for a good 45 minutes.  Oh I miss her soooo much.  Then Jim and I went to dinner.  I ordered an appetizer of the rib tips and a side salad.  Jim got this wonderful looking steak and I couldn't tell you what else because I was mesmerized by my rib tips!!!  LOL  I ate my salad first, because it comes out first.  Wrong thing to do...the doctors tell you this before you have your surgery!!!!  Eat your protein first!!!!  It's the most important!!!!!  Well usually it's not a problem for me until lately.  I'm thinking it's a lot of crapola on my mind, and I'm not paying attention to how I am eating, chewing, swallowing, etc.  So the salad goes down quite nicely and it was yummy too!!  Then comes the rib tips!!!  Oh drool!!!!  I was careful, I didn't dive into them like a mad woman...however it could have been very easy to do!!!!  I took one and cut a bite to eat....chew chew chew swallow....yummmmm.  Oh heaven.  I repeated this action for about maybe 3 rib tips the size of a silver dollar.  Darn it....I was done.  That was it!!!!  No more food was going to be able to enter the gateway to the stomach.  Sheeze...so I boxed it all up and we went home.

Now Thursday is here!!!!  I was up and at the gym by 4am as usual!!!  I got in a fantastic workout and was feeling really good!!!  I came home made Jim some breakfast and lunch and then my day started.  I decided that it was a good time to really get cleaning again.  I am dying for friends to come over and to have people around again.  So I'm fighting my hoarding ways and trying to get rid of stuff.  The day was going great, I even had some funny happenings going on.  Like when I was moving a can of paint that had been in the kitchen for 8 years, the handle had rusted through the can and paint spilled out all over the floor!!!  LOL!!!  I was such a dork, I couldn't quit laughing...so what do I do....I immediately go to my Facebook page and tell everyone!!!  LOL.  I got all the paint cleaned up and by this time I'm about ready for some lunch.  I don't really want to take a whole lot of time with it, so I think, hey I have those leftover rib tips!!!!  I get them from the fridge and pop them in the microwave just to get them warm.  Oh my mouth starts drooling...slurp!!!  I sit down at the kitchen table to eat lunch.  I take a small bite of the rib, chew, chew, chew.  I notice this piece seems to be a little dry...better chew a little more.  It took me 10 minutes to eat 3 rib tips!!!  Then all of a sudden I start feeling sick.  My body is telling me...ok you have T minus 10 seconds to get to the restroom or garbage can because I'm launching!!!  I make it to the restroom.  Yep I lost some of it but not all.  I thought I was done.  Guess again.  This went on for 5 minutes.  How can 3 rib tips cause 5 minutes of throwing up?!?!?!  I didn't think there was that much in me!!!!  Whew.  Well after that experience, I decided I have to let my throat settle down.  I didn't wait long enough.  I took just a tiny tiny spoon of ice cream to cool my throat down, and as soon as it hit oh lordy it launched too, violently!!!!  Alrighty then I can see where this is headed.  So thoughts of eating went by the way side.  It was a good hour later that I tried some cottage cheese.  Nope, I apparently wasn't ready yet!!!!  Again, up it came.  That's it I'm not eating!!!!  So back to cleaning I went.

Thursday night rolls around.  My schedule consists of heading back to the gym to workout with Scott, then over to Holly's for a walk with the ladies, then off to my support group for bariatric surgery.  Normally this is not a problem.  This night it was.  I fixed Jim some leftover sloppy joes and just the smell of the meat was making my stomach turn.  I tried a bite of cottage cheese while I was making his dinner and my body was having none of it.  UGH!!!!  So I finally ended up being able to eat some really crushed up ramen with broth.  But even that was not making my body happy.  I was just so drained!!!!  I had to cancel the rest of my night and I went to bed at 5pm!!!!

Friday morning.  I once again was up at 1am this time.  I was able to eat about a 1/4 cup of cottage cheese so my body would have something to chew on while I pumped some iron.  LOL.  The workout at the gym went really good again.  I have bumped up my cardio to 40 minutes and 30+ minutes on strength  training!  Oh I feel the burn and the burn feels good!!!  LOL.  I had an interesting episode happen at the gym while I was there.  I always put my MP3 player in my shirt pocket when I'm working out.  My arms are still to large for the arm band that holds my MP3.  So I'm walking away on the treadmill, rocking out when I notice that the music is getting louder and louder.  As the music is getting louder and louder, I'm finding that I'm starting to walk faster and faster.  I was almost to a jog when it dawned on me that the volume dial was facing my boob in my shirt.  As I was walking faster and faster, my boobs were bouncing and turning up the volume on my MP3 player!!!!  My boobs could have killed me!!!!  LOL  So thus continues the life of a dork explained by Tristine!!!!  LOL  Anyway came home and was able to eat some Eggbeaters with spinach, onion, garlic, and cheese.  Oh the smell of Gaaahhrlic!!!!!  As I was getting ready to make Jim's breakfast, he informs me that he thinks he had a mild heart attack that night.  His arms were burning like his previous heart attack so he went in and took some aspirin and it went away in about 15 minutes.  Yeah.  So the rest of the day is nothing but bumming around the house.  I'm not letting him out of my sight for awhile.

Friday night I head back to the gym and meet up with Scott.  We just did our cardio since he had to get back to work.  So I came back home fixed a little something, then Jim and I headed off to bed.

I am still having problems eating, but it's getting better.  Shoot, I'm losing a pound a day!!!!  But I know that is not good, so I am still working on that.  As for everything else, well Jim takes priority now.  I am not going to loose him so young!!!!  I won't have it!!!!  So even though it adds a little more stress, it's stress that I am willing to take on a beat the living crapola out of!!!!  I think if it's nice Saturday, we are going to take a bike ride somewhere, just enough to get him started.  Then every time I go to the gym, I am dropping him off to at least sit in the pool if nothing else.  Please do me a favor and not bitch at him.  That does no good.  Please be supportive of him through this.  You all have been so supportive of me, that I think it will do Jim some good to have this positive influence as well.

So that was my week in a novel!!!!!  I hope you enjoyed it, and I will be back soon!!!  I love you all hugs and kisses!!!!

Triggers....they can be more than just food

If you have listened to as many self help, diet tips, doctor recommends as I have you will know that they all talk about triggers.  No I don't mean the horse or the gun...however it leans closer to the gun part rather than the horse..lol.  Triggers are that something that you smell, see, hear, taste that makes you lose control and want to eat.  Well in my life, I have found that I have more triggers than just food issued ones.  Since I am, still, an emotional eater, different things are triggering my need to stuff my face.

For instance, my family is a huge trigger for me.  I am finding lately that the more I am regaining my life back and having fun, my family is becoming a bigger trigger for me.  Maybe it's because I can usually never say no, or maybe it's the years of guilt unconsciously put on me.  Whatever the reason, it is there.  My mom and sister, I realize feel helpless out in the country with no car and no real outlet for interaction with anyone.  But I am trying to break away from the pity party that I used to live in.  So when my mom calls with when can you come out again, or when can you have the car fixed, or I need your help with the mower, or just her frustration, it is starting to get to me.  I find that after I talk to them, I head straight for the food!!  It doesn't matter what it is....it's usually something that I could really care less if I eat it...but my head is on autopilot and the food must enter the mouth.  I think the worst part of it all is that it doesn't even phase me anymore.  It no longer brings comfort to my mind.  Great!!!!  Now what?  So if it's not comforting me anymore why do I still feel the need to do it?  That is a question I'm not sure if I will ever be able to answer.

I have a lot of issues with my past,  most of them I have pushed down so deep that I don't even remember my childhood.  This may be a good thing, but I know that some of my issues are from those times.  But I don't want to go back there.  So is there a point where I can just say....ok the past is the past....move on...make your life count now!!!!  I don't know.  Being a caretaker of family for so long is wearing on me.  I have the responsibility to do this, but I'm getting resentful that the people I take care of have had a life, good or bad, they have actually gotten to do some of the things that "they" wanted to do.  I have never had that opportunity.  I haven't been able to live my life.  I love my hubby dearly, but I find that even he gets put aside when it comes to having to take care of family.  That is not right!!!!  Darn it!!!

I am even having a hard time with other people too.  It's not just family.  I have made some friends online and I am a caring and supportive person, but lately when it comes to people not doing for themselves and looking to me for all their support, I am finding that I am shutting down.  When I shut down I run for food.  Maybe it's selfishness on my part, or maybe I'm finally getting fed up, but either way, I have to retrain something!!!  Either my head or my stomach needs to get an overhaul!!!  Oh wait the stomach got the overhaul....so I guess it's my head.  Why does emotion have to play such a big part in all of this?  I know if it didn't we would all be thin or serial killers right!!!  I need to work on turning my care and support that I normally give freely to others back onto myself.  UGH!!!!  This is a task that I'm going to have a hard time with.  I have been programmed like this for 38 years, how am I going to do it in two years or less, preferably less!!!  I know that all of the support that I am now getting is going to help but it has to start with me.  Why does it always have to start with me?!?!?!  Couldn't I just slip in somewhere along the timeline and just fit in?  Of course not!!!  That would not be my style.  LOL.

So lately, I have returned to previous habits of hiding and ignoring my triggers.  Sort of the out of sight out of mind mentality.  Trust me it doesn't work but it gives me a least a few minutes to try and focus on myself.  Which leads to focusing on someone else, but I'm working on that too.  So if you see me backing away please don't feel ignored, it's my way of rebooting my brain so it doesn't tell my hand to feed my face.

The struggle is still there.

Now remember back when I told you that I was still able to eat a lot of food?  Well guess what....I am on a phase that I can hardly eat anything.  I don't think it is anything medical, but more emotional and stress.  I know me have stress...hahahaha!!!!  But here is an example for you.  I have been making a conscious effort to slow down my eating.  Good....the bites have been fairly small....still need to work on that.....it's very hard to feel like you are eating when the bite inside your mouth is the size of a nickle!!!!  That's nice a bite....that's a piece of food left in your tooth!!!!  LOL.  Anyway, so with all that in mind.....the food is not liking me.  I have tried everything from Eggbeaters to sloppy joes....and yes the sloppy joe meat was the worst!!!  But I was tired and it was quick.  The mornings are still the worst.  It took me 45 minutes the other day to eat a half a cup of just Eggbeaters!!!!  Now that stuff is like Jell-O!!!!  But nope, my little pathway to stomach land was not going to let it pass....not even with the password.....Oh lord please let it go down!!!!

Getting serious again..

I sit here once again at 2am in the morning, preparing myself to head off to the gym.  My horoscope all week has been dropping me hints that it's time to get back to my fitness.  I think it's time I listen to it.  I've been away from the gym for about two weeks for one reason or another and I can tell you that I haven't been me.  There is something about going that makes me feel really good.  Now don't get me wrong I have had a blast spending time with my new BFF's and taking time for me, but I really need to get back to ME in my fitness.  I am starting my program over once again.  I am going to weigh all of my food, log all of my food, and start tracking fitness.  I saw a photo that Lori had taken of me bowling the other night....and wow!!! Yeah, I've lost some weight...but baby got back!!!!  I'm still looking like a brick!!!  So I'm going to try and forget about the way I normally think of things like, I'm starting today and if I fail, then well I'll start tomorrow.  No more!!!  If I fail then, I start again the next meal, or next workout.  I have to be serious about getting this weight off.  I want to be able to go shopping with my friends, I want to go dancing and not worry about if anyone can hear my stomach slapping against my thighs, I want to be able to wear that sexy hot dress, I want to be fit!!!!  I don't want to be thin....those days are over....I am now a woman and I just want to be healthy and fit.  The thin will come from the plastic surgeon...LOL!!!  But in all seriousness, I don't ever want to be "thin" again.  I want to be comfortable!!!

I have found new support so maybe this time things will flow a little smoother.  Not to mention that I have gotten a taste for living life again, and I like it!!!  I didn't realize just how much I missed it.  Well it's now time to go get my sweat on!!  LOL

Well I quit waiting around....now what?

Well I took a week off from the gym not on purpose, I just didn't feel like going.  That happens sometimes.  I think I push so hard that my old fat thoughts rebel against me and send out bad chemicals to my brain that makes me lazy...lol.  No I just need some time away sometimes.  With everything that goes on  in my life, sometimes I just need to hide away. 

I haven't been on the computer as much but when I am watch out.  I have found some fantastic friends and I love them soo!!!  You all know who you are...Holly, Lori, and Valora!!!  I have found my new partners in crime.  I can't tell you how happy they have made me feel these last few weeks!!!  In fact we had all planned a night out on the town....watch out town!!!  But before I get ahead of myself, I should start at the beginning.

Here are my partners in crime!!!  Left to Right...Valora, Holly, Lori, and yep it's me!!!  This was taken the evening of our first Thursday night walk.  We all met up at Holly's house and then we walked around her block.  It was fun...I felt bad that Lori and I ended up walking ahead of Holly and Valora but we'll have to walk behind them and push next time!!!  LOL

These ladies have made me feel like myself again!!!  I can be myself and not have to worry about it.  I know that they don't see my size, they see me and I can't tell you just how good that makes me feel.  I could weigh a thousand  pounds and still feel good about myself with them.  I know that they are my true friends, and I'm going to keep them forever.....if they will let me...lol.

So after a super high of being with friends I was feeling pretty good about myself.  My very best friend, Wendy was coming down from Oregon for a visit and a funeral, and we were going to meet up on Memorial Day weekend for a couple of hours.  Wendy is another one of those special people in my life that I would do anything for.  She is my true soul mate....I think we were separated at birth!!!  Anyway, I had some other friends that wanted some updated photos of me...Ugh!!!!  I hate, no let me stress.....I HATE my photo taken!!!  But I though what the heck, I've lost some weight and I'm feeling good about myself, why not.  They had seen the dresses that I bought for the job fair on my so I thought that I would put on one of my dresses that "used" to fit!!!  I felt fantastic!!!! It was HUGE on me!!!  I mean 2 sizes too big!!!!  Woo hoo!!!!  I had to pin the back of it to help keep it on and it was still to big.  Here is the picture below.  By the way it took me two hours to figure out how to set the timer on my camera to take this photo!!!!  LOL  Don't you just love technology!!!!

Here is the dreaded photo!!!  LOL.  And yes, I had Shadow ther for support!!!  No one loves me more than my baby Shadow!!!!

Well I posted the two above photos to my Facebook page, and I got the shock of my life!!!  One of my new friends on Facebook, a  younger kid from out of the country, told me that I had to remove those photos right away!!!  And was very adamant about it.  His postings were the first postings on my photos.  I thought, what the heck....I asked him what is it about them that you don't like?  I know I didn't do my hair and make-up but I didn't look like Helga the witch!!!!  He said all of them!!!  They are terrible!!!!  Remove them please!!!  Well after feeling really good about myself and then with being hit with those kinds of comments...I started to shut down.  I started to cry.  I wrote back to him and told him that I was sorry that he felt that way about me.  I reminded him that I told him I was a big girl and I even told him how much I really weighed.  I had to get off of Facebook after that.  I told him that I would talk to him later....that I had to go.  I went to my profile page and posted that I was logging off for awhile that I needed to find some self worth.  I then logged off.  Almost as soon as I logged off I headed for the food.  I didn't care what it was, what it tasted like....I just wanted something in my face.  I tried to fight it but the more I fought it the more I cried and beat myself up.  I kept telling myself, see you should have worked harder, you don't really want to be thin do you....why would you ever have your photo taken anyway...who wants to see that.  The more I talked to myself the more I cried, the more I stuffed my face.  I was totally out of control!!!  It was like my panic button was hit and broken off!!!  I couldn't stop and after awhile....I didn't care.  I had lost myself in just one tiny comment from someone I have never even met!!!  What is wrong with me?  This had all happened before noon.  When Jim called me at his lunch time, I was still crying and eating.  I could barely talk.

I eventually logged back into Facebook but I was not going anywhere near his page or his messages.  He kept e-mailing me that he was so sorry and for me to forgive him that he didn't mean it, that I misunderstood him.  Well by the time I had logged back in my other friends had posted how great I had looked and were concerned with what was wrong with me.  Why was I so down.  It's not like me to show my pain publicly.  And here it was out there in the open for everyone to see.  I was hurt!!!  I started to regain some of my strength back from the positive comments from my friends but I was still hurt.  I was useless the rest of the day and the evening.  There was nothing that was going to make me snap out of it.  It's been a long time since I was that low!!!  My head was even over powering my depression meds.  I didn't talk to him until the next day, and even then I was hesitant.  But I figured that I had fallen off my horse and I needed to get back on!!!

I explained to him how much he really hurt me.  I don't think I have ever confronted someone with how I felt.  That was a new experience for me.  It felt good and bad all at the same time.  It felt good that I was able to let him know that I was upset and that he had done it to me, but at the same time, it still hurt that something like this upset me....I am stronger than this.  Or at least I like to lie to myself and tell myself I am.  We have since worked things out and understand each other now and we are good friends once again.  But the whole incident was a little unnerving for me.  I can see that I have not totally fought off my demons in my head.  I thought that I was not completely over my issues but at least had a better handle on them.  I guess it's still one day at a time.  But I have gained some new confidence and that is good!!!

A couple of days after that, Wendy had come into town.  I wanted to look my best.  I went out and bought a new pair of shoes...I was looking for some cute sandals but ended up with some platform heels....lol.  You can take the girl out of the shoe store but you can't keep her from buying the sexy shoes!!!!  LOL  Talk about feeling like a million bucks!!!  Jim thought I looked hot and I felt hot and not just sweaty either!!!  LOL

This is Wendy and myself.  Two peas in a pod!!!  Did I mention that we are joined at the hips...lol

This is Abigail, the baby...not anymore!!!  Wow she is already 4 almost 5!!!  Where did the time go?

And of course the three of us.  The other kids couldn't come on this trip, so I guess Jim and I are just going to have to take a trip to see them....hint hint....honey.....

Anyway after we spent a couple of hours with Wendy and her family, it was time for us to meet up with Spencer at the Fox and Goose bar.  We all ordered something, Jim had English sausage sandwich, Spencer had a really good looking hamburger, and I got the most amazing fish and chips!!!  The guys had a few beers, and we sat and chatted for another couple of hours.  The band that was playing was ok but the next band was so much fun.  I had the greatest time!!!  Catching up with Spencer, who is more like family than a friend is always a bright spot in my life!!!  We left tired but I was still full of the most tremendous energy and happiness that it is almost impossible to explain.  I felt 100 feet tall and it wasn't just because I was wearing heels!!!  LOL!!!

The next day we had to go out to my brother-in-laws to pick up mom's car.  Yeah it's finally fixed so she can drive it!!!  Well ok she can go to the store or other places that are close.  I don't really want her driving until after her other eye surgery.  But it is a load off my shoulders knowing that she at least has wheels that if she needs something that's close, she doesn't have to wait for me to get the time to go.  It will take a lot of pressure off of us both.  At least for now.  LOL.

We dropped mom's car off and headed home.  I went to bed the night before at 1am and woke up at 2am!!!  I know I'm insane!!!  So Jim and I needed some much needed rest.  I tried to sleep but it was hard because that night we were meeting some friends for dinner then out for drinks, dancing, and singing!!!!!  Yep I said singing!!!  LOL

That night I got all dressed up again...heels and mak-up!!!!  I was going to make my hubby proud!!!  I was going to show him that his wife is feeling good and looking good too!!!  I was even going to let myself have a few drinks!!!  We met Lori, Norm, Valora, and Kevin at Kool Hand Lukes for dinner!!!  Oh man the food was good, but the company was sooo much better!!!  I was having the time of my life!!!  I don't think I have laughed so much in a long time.  LOL.

We finally met up with Holly and Ron at Referee's bar.  The band was too loud...now you know I'm old!!!! LOL!!!!  We all sat and chatted tasted each others drinks, and had a blast!!!  Us girls ended up playing some darts...not well but it was fun..  We didn't have a clue what we were doing but it was fun.  The husbands were having fun watching us women be dorks...but it wall all good!!!  I didn't want the night to end, but I knew it had too.  Jim and I once again got in around 1am.  I again was up around 2am.  But I didn't care!!!  I have found my happiness!!!  I can hold these times close in my heart and over come anything.  I know I can....I have it in me...now that I have seen it, it is much easier to go back to those feelings.  So watch out world...I am fighting my demons one at a time...but I will win this fight!!!

With the love an support from all of my friends....I can overcome anything!!!  I want to thank all of you for that!!!  You have given me a gift that I can never say thank you enough for!!!  You have given me back my life!!