This morning, I retreated to the bathtub to soak and think a few things over. I know why the tub, well it's a place where I can be alone, there are no outside influences like tv, the kitchen, the dirty house, etc. I can slip down into the warm water have some white noise playing in the background, and just let my mind wander. However, my mind has been racing lately.
By accident, I happened to come across a show called "Ruby" on the style channel. Now I know who Ruby is, from my Myspace page, but I had never seen her show. If you don't know who she is, she is a woman who weighed I think over or around seven hundred pounds and decided to lose weight and find out why she got to where she was in life. It's a really amazing story. I admire her for doing this. She has lost like three hundred pounds so far, and it's all been by diet and exercise. No surgery!!!! Anyway, I happened to click on the show and the episode that was running was one on a six day intensive program. What the program was is kind of like an addicts detox. They went through emotions from the past of why they gained the weight and all kinds of things. In a way that is something I would like to do, but in a way I wouldn't want to do it either. My past is my past, and I try and keep it that way. I learn from my mistakes (at least I hope I do) and move on. Not to mention, that I don't really remember a lot of my childhood and past. I just know that it was rough, painful, and traumatic. That's really more than I would care to remember. Anyway, at one point in the show, one of the women was setting up some pillows for another lady and the leader of the program asked her why she is doing that. The woman said that she wanted to make sure that the other lady had pillows for when the session started. The leader replied with did she ask you to do that? The woman said no. The leader said then stop it, put them back. Well long story short, the leader basically told the woman that she does for others so she doesn't have to focus on herself and her issues.
Wow!!!! Is that really true? I have been a people pleaser and put everyone else's needs before mine for forever. But I thought that I was being caring and polite. Am I really that afraid to deal with my own issues that much? Is that why it is so hard for me to put myself first? I just thought it was hard for me to put myself first is because I never felt like I deserved it. I have always felt like my job was to make everyone else happy around me. You know....do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Have I been missing the point all of these years? Will I ever be strong enough to face my demons head on and get past all of my negative self talk, and belittling of myself? Will I ever really love myself? They say that you can not truly love someone until you love yourself. Have I been short changing Jim all of these years? Will I ever really be happy? And have I EVER really been happy?
Well now you know just how screwed up my head is. That is a lot of stuff to think about, and I got all of that from an hour show. Huh. I still can't answer those questions. I think the worst part of it is that those questions gnaw on me bit by bit. I still truck on through life, I have to, I have others in my life that need my strength. Or do they? Have I created a group of people to be around me that need me so I can feel better about myself, or do they truly need me. Do I make sure that the people around me are able to enable my desires without knowing it so I don't have to make the tough decisions? Am I not as strong as I thought I was?
So I guess it's time for me to really take a look at me for a change. I guess I will have to look at how I do things and why a little closer. That gets so tiring though. But maybe it's what I need to get me back going. No one ever told me that this was going to be an easy journey. And here I thought that the losing weight was going to be the hardest part. Maybe a lobotomy would come in handy eh?!?!?! lol
Well I'm tired of thinking for now and I'm starting to look like a California Raisin!!!! No the computer is not in the tub with me!!!!! Stop it!!! lol. It's time to go take my blood sugar reading and drink some water. It's still many hours before Jim and Shadow will ever wake up.
I thank you for listening/reading my insecurities and ramblings. I'll see you on the flip side....
