There have been a lot of things going through my mind lately that I wasn't sure I was ready to share. I probably should have as these are things that I deal with on a daily basis.
I have gone back to the gym. It feels fantastic. I feel like I am home. I am also starting to feel like I belong there. Slowly I am starting not to wonder what people are thinking of me. It helps that I keep my headphones on too, but I am finally there for me. I can't say as if I enjoy what I look like when I am working out but hey, unless you look like Ms. Universe who really does. And the fact that the weight is coming off really helps too. I am embarrased to say that it was not totally my doing to get back at the gym, I had a little bit of help. As many of you may know, I have a terrible self image of myself. In my minds eye, I don't feel as heavy as I am, until I see myself in a photo, mirror, or window. I try to wear clothes that don't show how big I really am, which in turn probably makes me look heavier. But I refuse to wear clothes that fit tight so I can wear a size 28!!!
Anyway, it wasn't until a few guys started to notice me. Sorry Jim but there is something about when someone who doesn't know you and love you takes a notice of you. I actually felt like a woman! I know Jim loves me deeply and I him, but the fact that total strangers were taking notice, felt awesome!! Not to mention, I don't have a lot of friends, so I stay mostly hidden in my house. Most of my interface with people is online. So when these guys started to notice and want to spend time with me, of course that makes me feel even better!!! But they have become my friends. I would like to think that they like me for who and what I am, but in the back of my mind, I have this little voice that says, they think you are weak and that they can get into your pants. Which then leads into my head thinking, why would they ever want to get into my pants...I'm too fat!!! Well any other girl that might work but for me, it won't. I am happily married and would never do anything to hurt my husband. My only fear is that, it's going to hurt me. I so badly want friends and acceptance that sometimes my judgement is not always the best. I don't think I would ever do anything out of character, but I have to admit, I can get lost in the game.
All of this has come to mind when one of the guys that I have become friends with, is in England. I enjoy talking with him and we are able sometimes to chat online, but mostly I call him. Now here is where my judgement gets fuzzy. Money is tight with Jim and I. In fact we are really having some issues with making sure everything gets paid. So what do I do....I end up calling England almost everyday to talk with my friend. I knew it was costly, but the sheer excitement was overwhelming. It was almost addicting.
Well with all of this on my mind along with money issues, family issues, and the regular stressors of being human, I am having trouble keeping my mind on me. I have to admit, I still have not eaten any of my Lent sacrifices, bread, pasta, rice, and sugar. But I am flip flopping from eating too much to not eating at all. I'm not sleeping good and with all of this happening, I can't tell if it's my mind or my training that is draining me. I so don't want to quit my gym training, and I don't want to go back to living in a hole, but something has to change. Maybe if I felt better about myself, but I don't know how I'm going to get there.
All of this brings me to my self esteem issues. Since I am so wanting human interaction, I have a tendency to beat myself up when I don't hear from people every day. I know that sounds stupid, but for as long as I can remember, I have called my mother everyday to check in. I guess it has now become a habit, but I sort of feel like I need to do it to everyone else. I know people are busy, and that I stay at home (and should be busy too) but I have this need to feel wanted and needed. So when I can't get a hold of someone, or they say that they will call and they don't I start thinking what did I do. Even though I really know (or at least I think I really know) that I didn't do anything, I can't help but to think that it was my doing. Then I beat myself up about being too needy or pushy, or just everything. Usually that starts the eating process. But lately it's just been making me revert into myself. I am becoming more needy from my husband and I know this drives him insane. I don't know what to do. Why do I have this compulsion to be liked, needed, and wanted. I do have some childhood issues that could stem from this, but for awhile before I got really heavy, I wasn't this bad. So why is it now that I am trying to get myself fit and back in shape that it is coming up? I don't like the fact that I have to have someone constantly telling me what a good job I'm doing, or that I'm pretty, or that I worth it. But unless I hear that in some form, I turn on myself like there is no tomorrow. I know it can't be healthy. But I don't know how to change it. Not to mention, I don't like bringing up my insecurities with others because I feel like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. These are issues that I should be able to deal with on my own. So why can't I.
Well I'm bring myself down with all of this so I think I'm going to stop for now.
