I am again noticing that my brain is far stronger than my....well everything else. I have eaten cookies and ice cream because they slide down easier than having to sit and wait to be able to eat a regular meal that takes....oh say half an hour to 45 minutes!!!! And I guess it doesn't help that my old insecurities are popping up again...ugh!
As most of you know, I have a friend in England that is having some trouble with his business. I have grown to really love and care for him, as I would with any of you. The only difference is that we have never met. But in my eyes it doesn't matter. Well his laptop hasn't been charging so we haven't been able to chat that much online. It wasn't until I saw his photo on Facebook adding friends that my insecurities started up again. Is he just my friend when it suits him or am I just a pawn in a little game he is playing. Why would he love or care for me? I know what you all are thinking, I've sent him a computer, I've been there for him, called him everyday, but that doesn't matter. My head still wonders what I have to offer him. I'm not sexy or thin, I do have a good personality, but how can you get to really know me when the phone calls are only 3-5 minutes long?
But my insecurities are more than just dealing with him. When I go to the gym, I feel ok, because I feel in my comfort zone...I know that I am strong! I may be fat but I am strong! And no one can take that away from me. But when I'm out in the world, I am still that lost little girl who is pretending to be strong for everyone else. Nothing can get to me. Which in turn is just the opposite!! I worry every time I buy food, I wonder if people are looking into my basket to see if I should be eating that or not. I worry every time I look at clothes, are people looking at me, like wholly cow, she can't be thinking about wearing that!!!! I wonder when I walk down the street if people are looking at me wondering what kind of a lazy bum I am that made me this fat. All of these things and more add up inside me until something puts me over the edge, like seeing my friend online, to make me doubt everything I have worked so hard for.
I think deep down somewhere inside of me, I really think that I am worth everything or at least something, but it is buried so far down in me that sometimes it's hard to find. I can have people tell me that I am worth it and tell me how much they love and adore me, but my head won't hear it. It comes back to my head telling myself, they have to say that, they love me. Which isn't true, they don't have to say that!!
I think the worst part of this whole thing is that it makes me jump to conclusions before I find out all of the facts. Since I don't like myself, why would anyone else. Which is what happened to me this morning. I instantly thought that my friend no longer liked me and was looking for someone else when all of this was the farthest from the truth. He was just going through his e-mail on someone else's computer. I know devils advocate could say that my instincts were right, but my heart tells me different. It would be nice if my heart and head could be at least somewhere on the same page or even continent!!!
With all of this happening, I am still going in both directions of eating and not eating. When I eat, it 's the wrong things, when I don't...it's no food at all!! This in turn is making me very weak and vulnerable. Which is probably putting more fuel to my distorted fire! So how do I overcome this? Who knows. I sure don't. I could tell you as if you were a friend of mine, and tell you exactly what steps you should take. But as for me taking that information and applying it to myself, well that's another story!! Why is this so hard? Ugh!!!
Well after talking to my friend my mind has been put at ease and I am feeling a little better, but the embarrassment of having to fall apart in front of him doesn't sit well. It showed him that I am weak. And now that I have blogged about it, you all know that I am weak!!! But that is what my blog is for. I need to see these things that haunt me and to confront them head on. Or head off in some cases....lol.
So if I ever find a place that does lobotomy's for a group rate, let me know if you would like to join me.
