It wasn't brain surgery

This last year has been full of unexpected events, acts, and thoughts. I have felt out of control, overwhelmed, and numb. Looking back...as you know hind sight is always 20/20....I see that I lost faith in myself a bit. I got tired and let thoughts and feelings of others taint my own thinking. I didn't think I had...well at least not as much as it had. I took a look at myself the other day...and I can't say I have ever liked what I saw...but I was ok with what I saw....not this time. I have gained almost all my weight back even presurgery weight. My clothes no longer fit, I have problems with my feet that I am dreading seeing the doctor about because I have a feeling he will tell me to stay off my feet (something I don't have the luxury of). I have lost self confidence, not that I had a lot to begin with. Anyway we all know the feelings. 

While searching for inspiration and motivation I found a few images that I was going to put here in a draft to write on later and came across a draft that I had never written on. It is the below paragraphs. It struck me....I have been searching for so long...even when I originally found the writing...and in searching again have found it again. I have never acted upon it. I had let the words go in one ear and out the other never stopping to reflect or act upon how they made me feel. It was easier I imagine then to put it aside and I will get back to it. Well when will I make the time to stop putting me aside to deal with later. I would have never thought I would be so heavy again, or getting myself so overwhelmed that I totally just didnt care about myself.  I have quit things I enjoy doing which has taken more from me than I had ever imagined. Somehow I must make the time and steps to get back to me no matter how small those steps or how long the time it takes. 

I want to be open to the things around me and to understand and get back to who I am. Not let others thoughts and feelings they carry affect me. It is my life and it is time that I hold onto it and ride my ride of life.

Please enjoy the passage below and look at it and reflect upon it. I hope it moves you and makes your heart beat with a hunger to be all that you can be. To be true to you.

"You've got work to do, so strip yourself. There’s something that you’re supposed to do that is your mission in life. To complete it, you must avoid the mind pollution coming from others who don’t have goals or dreams, and who don’t have a reason for being here. As you begin to look at yourself, and go after your goals and your dreams… begin to strip yourself. 

Strip yourself of the behaviors, thoughts, habits, and attitudes that you know will block you from achieving the things that you want. Strip yourself of all the things that are none of your spiritual business. Stop buying into other people’s stories and excuses, instead of taking care of your own business. Strip yourself of the excuses, and all of the reasons that you've given yourself for not achieving your goals. Be about the business of making things happen. Let go of the things that don’t serve you, and launch forward to your dream. You deserve!"
— Les Brown

Believe in yourself!!! Truly believe....

First of all I want to truly thank everyone that has come to my BLOG either by choice or by accident, and has taken the time to read just one of my postings. It means so much to me that I have been either a source of information, support, a laugh, or just so you know someone feels the same as you do. I also want to thank everyone who has commented on the posts and let me know how you feel and enjoy my posts and BLOG. So a HUGE HUGE thank you from the bottom of my heart! You all inspire me to continue both my BLOG and my journey.

I started this BLOG so long ago as a way to help me through this journey. A way of letting me release what it was I was feeling, a way of validating that what I was feeling was real so to speak. I am not one to ask for help. If I do ask for help, it's because I have gotten to my wits end and feel that I am going to break or lose my mind. When I feel that I have no options left real or not. This BLOG was a way for me to cry out to family and friends without having to cry out to them personally. See just because I finally asked for the help doesn't mean that I can talk to anyone and actually take it. But that is not what this posting is about.

When I started this whole process and journey of having the Lap Band surgery, I believed in some part of myself. I even got my surgeon to go ahead with the Lap Band rather than the RNY like he suggested. I had lost my 10% of weight before surgery all on my own. I felt good and confident that I could do this!!! That I was ready! Somewhere along the line I lost that belief. My old ways of thinking and eating slowly crept back, till the next thing I know I am slipping and from that point on I have struggled with losing any weight other than the 10% I lost before surgery.

Please, I come to you as not only someone who needs to learn this for herself again but to reach out to any who may have the same feelings. A good friend of mine tells me no one said it's going to be easy, but anything worth the work is worth the reward. I have another friend that likes to say "it was weight loss surgery, not brain surgery....you still have your mind to deal with".

Believe in yourself! Truly believe! You have come to this point either looking to have surgery, have had the surgery, or just looking for something anything. You have already taken the first step...could be the hardest step....but it is YOU that has taken it. I have heard people tell me this whole time that it took time to put the weight on it will take time to get it off. This is true....but the time it took to put the weight on, at least for me, was masked behind emotions and just mindlessness. I ate to escape, I ate to be happy, I ate...because it tasted good! No matter how or why I ate...I ate without thinking! Now that I have the Lap Band I no longer have that option no matter how I may fight it! Yes, it's going to be hard and yes it can be a total pain in the butt! Counting calories, weighing your food, chewing everything 30 times, the time it takes to eat a meal and being with those who can still eat whatever they want and how much. Don't think of it as all of that! You can't!! You must put yourself first! You deserve it weather you feel like it now or not....YOU DESERVE IT!!! You deserve to feel happy and healthy (and no I didn't say thin or skinny!!!). Believe in yourself to be what YOU want to be not what others think you should be.

Always believe that you are worth whatever you want...no one knows better what it is that you want other than you. Don't be ashamed to want to have a healthier life (you may have friends or family that without thinking will try and sabotage you). You need to believe that you are strong enough to do this! Let's face it....it is no easy task being overweight! You have been strong through those times believe in yourself to be strong now. Don't let others bring you down. Most people don't understand the struggle it is to go through this...but you are more than this struggle.... believe in yourself to be happy. I'm not saying put on a fake smile and get through the day, although I have done that more times than I care to admit, and still do. What I am saying is believe that you are making these changes because it is something you want, and that you have a vision for you and don't let anyone take that from you!

I have much to learn to get to believe in myself again, but I am on the right track. Know you are never alone no matter how alone you feel you are. There are support groups and things out there of people who have gone through the journey too. I have been to some when I needed just to feel not so alone. I'm not one for sharing (I know but I have a BLOG sharing lol) but it does me good to know I am not alone in how I feel. Please feel free to write to me, (I believe I have a link to go straight to email if you don't want others to see I will double check), of your struggles, triumphs, or anything. One day at a time I start to believe in myself more and more. Never forget that you are always worth believing in yourself! You are truly one of a kind! Be happy, be you, and always believe that you are something special....because you are!!!

The difference even 10 pounds can make

So today is day two of being back at the gym. Those of you that know me...know I love the gym! Something is a bit off though and it's me! Even though I am a big woman and always have been, I have always been able to feel good at the gym, confident no matter what level I was with anything. There was a time when I started many years ago that I was insecure, but those days have been long gone. These last two days, I have felt insecure a bit...not overwhelmingly so but I'm not on my A game!

When I walked in the gym today, I walk in head held high and feeling confident until I step on the treadmill. My foot does hurt (plantar fasciitis). Dr. wants me to stay off of it but because I can't he has me just stretching and icing it and praying I don't screw it up more. I am a bit of a hard head when it comes to pain and pushing through it....I'm a no pain no gain kind of block head. "Grins"

I start my warm up walking pace after I have stretched out both feet....yep my other foot I have Achilles Tendinitis but it is under control. The gym seemed hot today too like they had the heater on and it wasn't cold outside. I kept on though, my headphones blasting and my towel covering the readout on the treadmill. The first 15 minutes are always hard for me...I need to keep telling myself come on...not much longer till your over the hurdle. But something kept the hurdle going today! I kept pushing myself but it felt like I was carrying about 50 extra pounds! Little things distracted me like my shirt was tighter and was hanging up on my butt and belly a bit, I was hotter and sweating more than normal, my foot wouldn't quit throbbing and pounding with pain, and I just couldn't find my groove. I had to keep pausing to stretch out my foot and I would stretch hard then my calf and shin would ache but my foot wasn't noticeable as much, so I would continue. I fought for every minute today.

After my workout, tired and aching I went to the locker room to change. I thought about my workout today and realized.....I let the fat and weight win today. I let it distract me. I did my workout but it wasn't the high I normally get and I didn't keep the pace and push that I normally keep. I won't let that 10 pounds rule me anymore.....I am stronger than it! I will center myself before I go to the gym and find my strength within that is a kick-ass woman and won't let anything beat her!

Since I pushed so hard today without thinking straight...I have hurt my foot again and need to wrap and ice it all night and hope I can stand on it tomorrow morning.

My lesson for today....my weight only holds power over me if I allow it. The guilt I feel about gaining it and the shame for letting it happen grew only because I let it. I will not be ashamed that I gained it because I am taking steps to lose it and make myself healthier. I will walk tall knowing that I am not my weight....I am a strong confident woman who can hold her own and is more than a number on a scale. No excuses only results and hard work!

Tomorrow is another day a brighter stronger day!

My motivation/inventive jar

I tried this earlier in the year....I think it was February or so. It didn't motivate me then but then again I don't think I was ready. I still struggled with restriction issues and my lapband and I think it was easier to find an excuse with it not to go to the gym than I honestly care to admit....even though I do truly love going to he gym. Well I am I hope in a better frame of mind this time and I have no excuses....well I can always come up with some kind of excuse because I'm creative...lol. Seriously though, my lapband is unrestricted and I can eat anything I want which is forcing me to be aware of what and how much I eat, and to be accountable for every bite. I must return to my will power and determination to get me through. I know I can do it...I had to do it before I got the surgery....and its been the only weight that has stayed off! So I must go to that place again!

This jar, as you see holds money, and not just any money....a dollar is placed in this jar everytime I complete a gym session. A gym session is 45 minutes of cardio, and another is 30-45 minutes strength training. If I do cardio and not strength training it's a dollar put in, but here is my restriction....since I prefer strength training....if I only do strength training that day, no money is put in because I didn't do any cardio. Sucks I know...lol but I know me. If I do strength AND cardio then I get two dollars put in as motivation. The potential to add up is great, as my normal routine used to be (and what I want to return to) is cardio 5 days a week and strength training 3 days a week.

Here is the motivation/incentive part. When the jar has $100 in it I will change it to a hundred dollar bill and I will reward myself with something small for me....no food rewards!!! Maybe a couple pair of earrings or a new item of clothing, something $40 or less. Then as my jar gets to $200 I will change it out with another hundred dollar bill and reward myself again with something medium sized....again no food rewards!! Something not more than $60 for this one. Finally when the jar reaches $300 I will again change it out to the hundred dollar bill but I will make a reassessment of how to continue. I will reward myself with something larger and then go from there.

My goal is to be under 200 pounds....even if it means 199 pounds! I used to want to weigh 165 but I don't think I will look good and I want to still be curvy, but strong and most important healthy and happy with me!

Today a dollar was put in! I am anxious to see how quickly it fills.

The battle of the bulge....the saga continues....

About 3 weeks ago I had my lapband loosened by 3cc. I wasn't able to eat the foods I needed to eat. The only food that would stay down were sweets and soft foods no good proteins. I had my metabolism checked and it showed I need to eat more calories but good calories. Good news is now that my band is loose I can eat....anything! Bad news is....I can eat anything!

I tried on a skirt that used to be baggy on me yesterday and it fit snugly. I have felt weight coming on but didn't address it as I should have. Well when the skirt was tight I decided I don't care how badly my foot hurts I can't not go to the gym anymore!

Went to the gym this morning wanting to tackle the world and push myself till I broke....but knew that was not what I needed to do. I weighed in hoping that the scale said 353 like normal.....but no.....it said 362!!! It was hard not to beat myself up. I got on the treadmill and started in. I pushed as hard as I dared....but I must admit my head was not totally in it.....but I went and that's the point...now to follow through....no eating out, no junk food, no alcohol, start logging my food, and measuring my portions. No screwing around! Time to make time for me! I don't want this weight anymore! I must find the strength and motivation within me to keep up the fight and to succeed! So first step started....time to keep them going.