Getting back to me

Two months ago I had set a goal of losing 50 pounds in 5 months. Well 2 months have gone by and I have only lost 10 pounds. What a disgrace. But it's my own fault. I haven't been working out and I haven't been eating right. So today I decided it's time to get back to me.

I had to drag myself out of bed this morning to get to the gym, but I knew I HAD to GO. I started upstairs at the cardio room to get my 10 minutes of warm up before I met with Zach for strength training.

This is my trainer Zach and his wife. I'm sorry to say that I don't know her name. But I thought you all would like to put a face with a name, since I talk about what Zach is doing to kill me most of the time.

Then it was time to meet with Zach. I showed him the results of the 5 Day pouch test and what my calorie/nutrient intake was. He looked it over and we talked about having bigger breakfasts if at all possible to help with my body getting out of power saver mode. Having the bigger breakfast will speed up my metabolism more than just the exercise. He was also concerned about the low amount of calories that I eat. I try and maintain anywhere between 700-900 calories a day. It usually ends up on the higher end, towards 900 but that's because I still like to eat. Zach was concerned that I work out harder than the calories I eat. He was concerned that I will sacrifice muscle if I continue training this hard. I told him that if it starts to become too much of an issue, that I will contact my surgeon and see if the calories can be added. I don't think that my surgeon will mind as long as the weight is coming off at a timely manner and I'm maintaining a healthy lifestyle. We also discussed me doing cardio twice a day as per my 45 minutes once a day for 4-5 times a week. Now, I haven't been doing ANY cardio for awhile now, so I'm glad we talked about it. I was thinking (the over achiever that I am) that I would do 45 minutes twice a day. Zach told me no. He said I will do better if I do half an hour twice a day for 4-5 times a week. I will get the benefits of it but I won't wear myself out too much. Which is actually easier for me because I tend to hit a wall at about 20 minutes and have to push myself past that barrier for any more time.


Lastly, I asked him to really push me. I have a tendency to make excuses if I don't want to do something. Now with strength training, not so much because it's something that I can excel at, but there are always times that I don't want to work that hard. I told Zach that I need him to kind of not take any crud from me and to make me push to the limit. That's what I'm paying him for anyway, right. He agreed with a little sheepish grin on his face. I knew I was in trouble then.


We are keeping with my full body work out for now since I haven't made a complete week in....weeks. So we did the rows and the single arm presses, then it was time for the squats. Oh the squats are where I'm going to really put up some excuses. They are soooo hard. I usually do sitting squats, but since the stool that we usually use was being used, Zach decided that I would do some freestyle standing squats. That means no chair to sit on, I have to squat and lift myself back up. Ugh! I was still at the 80 pounds but I was only able to do one set of 15 and another set of 10. I was squatting deeper than sitting on the chair. But I did it. I got a little light headed for a minute but I think that was because I didn't eat breakfast this morning. I rested for a little bit but then continued. I had to do my body lifts and the rope bends by myself, because we ran out of time this morning. But I'm ok with that. I need Zach's help more on the rows and squats than anything else.


By the time I was done this morning, I was tired. Whew....note to self...DON'T MISS STRENGTH TRAINING SESSIONS EVER AGAIN!!! LOL. I drove home and was ready to eat something. I wasn't hungry, I was more drained than anything. So I had a piece of leftover fish and a chicken patty and felt much better. I cooled off for awhile and decided that since it's going to be in the 100's today, I would mow the lawn for Jim. It didn't take that long, about 20 minutes or so. It gets easier every time I do it. I worked up another sweat but it felt good to get it done.


I have a lot on my plate for the next couple of months. I have a ton of Halloween stuff to build, sew, paint, and create. All this and making sure I get ALL of my exercise in too. I can do it and I will feel better for doing it. It's just going to take a lot of focus on my part. The biggest part is to make sure that I take care of me first, that's also the hardest part. But if I'm to accomplish everything that I want I have to do this.

5 Day pouch test - Day 5

The final day of the pouch test. Oh man am I glad that this is over. It was really tougher than I thought.

The day started off sort of hard. Jim (my hubby) had to do a fasting blood work and I didn't want to eat in front of him. So I drank some water to help curb the growling monster in my belly and off to the hospital we went.

I was happy to see that it was the farmers market at Kaiser that morning. Last time I was at the farmers market, I was able to get some fantastic garlic olive oil and some orange olive oil. Oh wow, they made fish and chicken fantastic just with it on them. Anyway, I sniffed so much going into the hospital that I thought that I was going to hyperventilate. LOL.

We got in, got the blood work done, and the stress test. Turns out Jim's fairly healthy. Go figure. Hee hee. We got out of there a good hour earlier than I expected. So naturally as we are leaving, I had to stop at the market to see what they had out there. There were fantastic looking veggies and fruit. I ended up with 3 baskets of strawberries, about 8 plouts, and some garlic and artichoke spread. I have been dying to try some new types of food and there was a guy there selling some Indian food. So I thought what the hey I'll give it a try. They were Samosas. I got a chicken one and a potato one. The chicken one was fantastic but the dough was trying to get stuck. I should have known, no carbs!! But luckily I didn't have any trouble. The potato one was good too but was a little dry for me and I just ate the filling not the dough this time. They were good enough, and Jim liked them that later on I looked up some recipes for them on the Internet.

Anyway, Jim was starving, and I hadn't really eaten either other than the few bites of the samosas. So we head off to Waffle Square. I really have to be careful here because they have the best food. But I was good. I got a mushroom omelet and I only ate half of it, which would be 2 eggs but it had cheese on top so I stayed within my 3 ounces of protein. I didn't even eat all my hash browns! I had a couple of tiny bites of the real crunchy tops but that was it. I did however eat the crunchy parts of my sourdough toast with some strawberry jam. Ok, so I didn't do as good as I would have liked, but I didn't over eat!

We headed off to Barnes and Nobel afterwards to look at their book sale. I picked up a couple of appetizer magazines to help spark some inspiration for meals. Luckily I love to cook and I can redo some of the unhealthier recipes to something that I can eat. After the bookstore we headed home. Jim was so tired and I have to admit, it felt good to just lounge around!

It was about 2:30-3pm before we decided to eat lunch. Jim, bless his heart was trying to find something healthy for me to eat. Oh, I long for the days of fast food again. Days when I didn't have to dissect my food before I could eat it. But I knew what I was getting into with the surgery so no complaining. Well maybe a little complaining....hee hee. We ended up at Sizzlers. I got the salad bar, and Jim got a huge burger! Wow did it look good! I stuck with my salad and fruit and only ate 2 chicken wings. The rest of my protein for the meal was cottage cheese. I stayed within what I should and could eat and stopped when I got that feeling that something was in my stomach. When we got home, I logged the food that I ate and I was still within my 900 calories! Woo hoo! I was even up on my water intake, and I didn't even have to add the Crystal Light.

I was done with food for the day or so I thought. Jim was getting hungry later on during the night and was itching for some KFC. We headed up to the restaurant and got a bucket of fried, yep I said fried chicken. I don't like their grilled chicken. The grilled chicken is too dry and doesn't have that much flavor to me. We got home with the coleslaw, potato and gravy, biscuits, and chicken. The coleslaw had too much vinegar in it and didn't taste good, and I don't like the gravy so I don't eat the potatoes. I did try a biscuit and paid for it. It got stuck and made me very uncomfortable. It didn't come back up but I wasn't able to eat anything else. I had to wait until it passed through before I could eat my piece of chicken breast. So there weren't may calories eaten there.

All in all, I'm glad that I did the pouch test. It put me back in touch with paying attention to what my body is telling me, not just stuffing it full of food. It is still really hard for me to stop eating when there is good food around, but with portion sizes (I'm going to have to weigh everything for awhile), and paying attention to that feeling like there is food in my stomach, I think I can do ok. I still have to get back to the gym and start exercising again. I have to admit that I didn't really stick to the 5 day pouch test after day 3, but I think I got what I needed from the test anyway. So here I go eating healthy and exercising again, I hope.

5 Day pouch test - day 4

Okay, today is the test of all tests. Today is Kelly's dentist appt. I have told mom and Kelly that I didn't want to eat out today, so they should eat breakfast before I get to their house, and I would fix us something at my house for lunch.

The day started early, as Jim wanted to get to work early to save some parking spots for the guys that ride bikes. The parking lot at Jim's work was being repaired so they all had to park on the street. I had agreed to take the van and park it on the street to save some spaces for the other guys. Well as it stands we were too late and there were not to many spaces left available. So I continued on to mom's house.

I got to mom's house and Kelly and her were not ready. They haven't even eaten breakfast. I waited for them to eat because I wanted to stick with not eating out. We finally got out on the road and the tire on the van needed to be replaced. The tire was really feeling bad like the tread was separating or that it had a bubble in it. So I had to replace it today!!! The shop didn't open until 9am so we headed on to my house and I prepared the chicken for lunch.

I had found an awesome recipe for some chicken that was marinaded in olive oil, garlic, allspice, cinnamon, and onion. It was sort of like a Greek or Mediterranean flavor. I let Kelly and mom take a taste of some veggie lasagna that I had made previously. Oh man did it smell good, but no carbs for me, so I just had to let them eat it. *pout* I did fix myself some canned chicken with just a smell of mayonnaise for breakfast.

I got the chicken all prepared so we were off to get the tire replaced. After we got the tire done, I took mom and Kelly to the Enteman's store. Oh the bread and donuts and cookies oh my!!! I got some bread and some donuts for Jim. They were donuts that are not really my favorites so I can use my will power to stay out of them. We then headed out to the grocery store for a few things for mom. By the time we were done there, it was time to go to the dentist appointment.

We got to Kelly's appt about half an hour early. I was hoping that it would maybe get us in a little faster....well it was Western Dental....what was I thinking?!?!?! We sat there for almost an hour before they took Kelly. Right after Kelly went into the back, she came back out and told mom that they needed her in the back too. So mom went back and left me with all of the purses to watch. An hour and a half has gone by and still no word from either of them. I had to go outside because the only thing that they had on tv in the waiting room was Sponge Bob. OMG!!! I never want to watch cartoons again....okay just not Sponge Bob!!! I came back in about 40 minutes later, and they were still back there. By this time, it has been 5 hours since I have eaten breakfast. The 3 ounces of chicken that I ate at breakfast was GONE!!! I had no choice. I was getting light headed and I was getting a headache. The only food I had with me were the donuts that I got for Jim or the bread I bought with some onion mayonnaise. So the donut won the toss. I couldn't leave to go get something because I had mom and Kelly's purses. If they needed Kelly's insurance papers, or mom's bank account, I had them. So I ate ONE donut and a bottle of water a half an hour later.

By 2:45pm mom came out to ask me if I could wait for them to put another crown on Kelly then she would be done. The only other option was for her to come back again for another appointment. So you know my answer was put it on now. They said it would only take about 40 minutes. An hour later we were done.

At this point I have eaten 3 ounces of chicken and a donut. I wasn't hungry or starving but my body was telling me that something needed to change. Since Jim got off work at 4pm, I had to call him and see if he wanted to go out for dinner because we ran so late.

We all met at the house and then went to BJ's for dinner. I got an appetizer of chicken lettuce wraps and ate 4 lettuce leaves. I have to admit that I splurged and got a pomegranate margarita with no salt and on the rocks. Now I haven't had any alcohol in....I can't remember. Since I hadn't really eaten anything all day, my stomach was empty and the alcohol hit me. I could feel my cheeks flushing. Wow what a feeling. But it went away after I ate the appetizer. Too bad, I have been teasing Jim about getting me drunk and taking advantage of me since we were married 12 years ago. Maybe next time. LOL.

It was time to order, I ordered the Parmesan crusted chicken with a small bowl of clam chowder. I had every intention of taking the chicken home. You know what....I did too!!! After I ate the bowl of soup, I was done. I did however finish my drink!!! No dessert either!

We finally got mom and Kelly home, did a few things for mom, then headed home. Boy was I tired. It was well past time for me to go to karate, so Jim and I snuggled up and relaxed at home watching the tv.

All in all I stayed within what I should have eaten except of the donut, but that was a necessity and there was no way around it. So day 4 I am going to call a success for the most part.

The 5 day pouch test - Day 3

This morning I didn't get out of bed until 8am! I don't know what was going on. Shadow woke me up at 6am wanting some attention. I petted her for awhile and then fell back asleep. I woke up again around 7am, pulled the covers over my shoulders and went back to sleep. I finally really woke up at 7:44am but laid in bed until 8am snuggling with Shadow. Now if that isn't laziness I don't know what is. There is no reason for me to be like that this morning. I didn't work out yesterday so I'm not tired from that, I didn't do any hard yard work, or spend long amounts of time outside, so what made me tired. Well I'm not going to dwell on it, it's time to get off my can and get some things done!!


So this morning my blood sugar was 99! Woo Hoo!! Those are the numbers I like seeing. Today I can eat soft protein. Yeah, I couldn't believe how much I missed really chewing food. I thought that I would try some new things in my EggBeaters this morning. So I put in some cottage cheese and Mrs. Dash. Okay, well putting the cottage cheese in the eggs, wrong mistake! It turned my eggs into soggy scrambled eggs, yuck! It didn't hold up like Ricotta does. The Mrs. Dash...well lets just say we have a difference of opinion of what tastes good. So breakfast was not my best feat today. I had to eat it within 15 minutes which was no problem because it sort of slid down, yuck. The only good part of it was that I got that same feeling of something in my pouch. So I stopped eating. If you have been following my blog, you will know that I am using this feeling like a full feeling since I don't get the sensation of being full or hungry. By the way I was not hungry this morning even though I didn't wake up until 8am.


Now it's time to wait 30 minutes until I can drink some water and take my medicine. I am surprised that I have been able to drink 64 ounces of water a day. I normally don't get anywhere near that. I have to admit though, Crystal Light has been helping me a lot! The flavors make it easier to think that you are not drinking water for a diet, but more for, do I dare say....fun?!?! LOL.


I never made it to my 4am cardio this morning, so I am going to have to make it up some way else. I'm thinking that some yard work might do the trick but we'll see if the heat keeps me from it. If nothing else, I'm going to mow the lawn.


Oh, I almost forgot, I haven't really had any cravings for anything other than the first day. Now there are things that I would love to eat, like some peanut butter and chocolate cookies I have in the freezer, or some JellyBelly jell-o, but I have to be good. It's almost the end of July and I think that I have only lost maybe 10 pounds. That puts me at 40 pounds in 3 months. If I don't start getting serious, I'm never going to make my goal. If I don't make my goal, that will make me very unhappy and I don't need those thoughts right now.


12:56pm - Lunch was sort of hard to come up with. I didn't want to eat eggs again, and trust me neither would my hubby. *grin* I didn't want to eat tuna, because I can't eat that without a ton of mayonnaise and sweet pickle relish. So I ended up with some canned chicken. For a 12 ounce can of chicken I only used 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise. Chew, chew, chew, because it was fairly dry. I also ate with the chicken 4 cherry tomatoes (from my garden) and 3 sweet pickles, I needed a little flavor to the mix. I totaled up the whole thing and for a cup of food it came to about 250 calories. I had that feeling of something in my stomach again, so yes I took that as a full feeling, even though I could have still eaten the whole kitchen!!! I'm not hungry, it's just that food looks so good. What's that old saying, you don't want it until you can't have it! Well that's where I'm at now.


I am picking mom and Kelly up for a dentist appt tomorrow, and the first thing mom asked me is should they eat before I pick them up. Yep! Then she asked if I am able to go out to eat for lunch should Kelly be able (she's having deep cleaning done). I thought about it and thought, well maybe I could do it, then I thought, no, I have come this far and not slipped don't start now. So I told my mom no on eating out. I feel bad because that is one of their forms of enjoyment in going out places but this time I have to think of myself. Oh wait....did I just say that?!?!?! Did I just put myself first?!?!?! Everyone better take note, I don't think this has ever happened before AND it's in WRITING!!! LOL.


So now it's time to think about what to fix for dinner, and what I'm going to eat all day tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be a biggie for me, I will really have to focus on what goes into my mouth. Things get kind of jumbled when I have to spend all day with mom and Kelly.

I made some killer baked fish and some okay tasting green beans. The only problem was that by doing this 5 day pouch test, it has my insides all messed up. I started having diarrhea a little bit after lunch. I'm hoping that this isn't going to be the norm for the rest of the test.

I was only able to eat my fish and then I felt like there was something in my stomach so I quit eating. I haven't done any exercise this week and I'm starting to feel the effects of it. I am getting tired and it's not just because I have been eating less calories. At least I don't think so, I hope not.

The 5 day pouch test - Day 2

Well I survived yesterday without eating the house down, and I stayed within the plan of the test. Today is another liquid day. To bad it's not liquor eh? Just kidding. My blood sugar reading was 101 this morning and I didn't wake up starving. Not that I ever do but I was eating far less calories than I normally do since I wasn't snacking. I ate a total of 837 calories for the entire day, and that was with a snack!

I had to take Jim to the doctor's this morning for a check up so I didn't make time for making me a shake. I grabbed a sugar free pudding and was out the door. The pudding only had 60 calories but I figured that it would last me until I was able to get home. I think the hardest part of this whole test so far is the timing of everything. I can't drink 30 minutes before eating or after. So it comes down to do I want to eat, or do I want to make sure I get in all of my 64 ounces of water. Strangely enough, it's been the water winning out.

10:20am I am home and I fixed myself some soup for brunch. It was a can of Campbell's clunky clam chowder with 210 calories. I figured that that would be enough to get me through till dinner with maybe a snack in between. I'm only on my first bottle of water, so it's time to start picking up the pace. I've had too much to do this morning to worry about eating, so that is a huge plus. I did however feel something after eating the soup. It wasn't a full feeling but I knew that something was in my belly. Granted, I could have eaten many more bowls of soup but I stopped at the one cup. I guess that is what I'm going to have to take as my full feeling. Tomorrow will be the real test, I'll be able to eat semi soft food. The key so far is measure, measure, measure! I can tell you that my portion size sight is a little off. Well I shouldn't say my sight is off, it's my head wanting more, more, more. I feel like I'm starting all over again, but I guess this is what I needed.

I made it to dinner time without any snacking. I had half a cup of cream of chicken soup and a sugar free chocolate pudding. I knew my calories were low because I didn't really eat breakfast but when I entered them into my page at Sparkpeople.com, I had only consumed 442 calories. There is no way that I could get my cardio done with that little calories not to mention that I would totally crash my blood sugar in the middle of the night. So I decided to make myself a protein shake. With my shake, I was able to get in 832 calories. I was able to get in all of my 64 ounces of water again today.

The only regrets that I have as of 6:09pm tonight is that I haven't gotten any cardio in. I am thinking that I will go to the gym tomorrow morning at 4am and get some cardio then, and then when Jim comes home from work, I will go back to the gym and get another 40 minutes of cardio and my strength training in. Besides I will be on solid food tomorrow and will be able to break down the calories better. Who knows, the twice a day cardio may turn into a habit. We'll see how I feel.

The 5 day pouch test - Day 1

Today is day one of me trying the 5 day pouch test. I am trying to see where I am at with my stomach. Here is an expert from the website that I am following.

The first two days are all liquids. You can have as many low-carb protein shakes
as you like to satisfy hunger or cravings. In addition drink at least six 8-ounce glasses of water each day. The purpose of all liquids is to break any snacking, grazing or processed carbohydrate habits. In addition the liquids will work to cleanse your system and prepare you for the following three days.
Try to reduce your caffeine intake as well, but do not stop caffeine cold turkey or
you will feel sick and frustrated potentially losing the desire to continue with
the pouch test.
It is very important to drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water each day. This will prevent dehydration, will help curb cravings and will flush your body of toxins and fat. Sufficient water intake improves kidney function and cell processes.

10:36am - Breakfast was fine, I had one of my protein shakes. I drank it around 6am. I still don't have that feeling of being full or hungry that I know of. It could be that I just have never really experienced it so I don't know what to look for. A couple hours after breakfast, as I was picking up the house to do laundry etc., I saw the jar of peanuts on the floor. I instantly went to grab them. I wasn't hungry, they were just there. I was good and didn't have any. A little later I was sitting on the couch watching a little tv with Shadow, and again, I looked at those peanuts. I almost grabbed them, then told myself no. Then like a spoiled child, I started looking around for something else. I had some chips by the couch from last night. I wanted so bad to just pop a few in my mouth. No, darn it!! Today is only liquids. What is wrong with me! AARRGGG!!! So I walked away. Out of sight out of mind right? Wrong. I still kept thinking about them. So I figured it was time for a bottle of water. I grabbed a bottle of water, put a crystal light flavor in it and I seem to be better. I had to put the peanuts and chips away out of sight or I was going to still think about them. Wow I didn't think this was going to be so hard. Now I know that I had really fallen off the band wagon. Time to turn my head around. I can eat lunch at 11am let's see if the cravings subside after that.

2:49pm - Lunch was good, I had some creamy spinach and artichoke soup. It was thick enough that my head thought that I actually ate something. I still wasn't full because I could have eaten another 5 gallons of that soup. Yummm. Anyway, I had to wait for half an hour before I could resume drinking my water again. I had a sweet craving, so I had to wait another half an hour before I could eat some sugar free Jell-O. If you are wondering what is going on, I have to stop drinking fluids a half an hour before I eat, and can't resume until a half an hour after I eat. AAARRRGGG!! What a pain...but I'm not eating. But boy do I have to really pay attention to what I'm doing. I can't just go through the day picking as I go. I have to be aware of time frames. By the way, I still want those peanuts and chips!!!

Well dinner went well. I opted to have some soup rather than my protein shake. I still didn't feel hungry or full but I did notice that other than the chips and peanuts, I didn't crave food too much. I was able to get all my 64 ounces of water in. In the website, they said that I may have carb cravings. I never got nauseous or have any stomach pains, so I'm thinking, I'm okay on the carb situation. I normally don't eat that may carbs anymore anyway. So that was a plus. I'll let ya know how tomorrow goes.

Corn Festival at Sloughouse

Saturday, Davis Farm in Sloughouse was having a corn festival. I thought that it would be something fun to check out, and mom and Kelly would have a nice outing. We got there at 9am and people were already starting to show up. We decided to do some shopping at the market before we headed over to see what was up at the festival.
Kelly asked me how to pick a good cantaloupe so I showed her. Then mom decided that it would make a good photo. Okay mom doesn't have the best plans. LOL.

Here is just a quick shot of the stand at Sloughouse. Oh man the produce looked so good! It was so hard not to buy everything in sight.
I saw these great bunches of flowers for sale and thought that mom and I needed some color in our lives. They were great prices too. The bunches were only 8-10 dollars. As we were walking through the festival, I couldn't help but be amazed at these. I'm not sure if they are bird houses or not but I loved the wood! I talked to the artist and he told me that it was 80-100 year old grape vines that he put through a tumbling process to make them look like drift wood. They were amazing!! I would have bought one if I could have afforded it but where would I put it. So reality came over me and I took a photo instead.
I had to get a photo of this lady. She makes these cute little tutu's. She has little skull and crossbones on it that naturally caught my eye. Unfortunately, she didn't have any like the one she was wearing but we got her card. I see a tutu in my future.....

We had a fun time but I was glad when it was over. The day was hot, and I was ready to head home. So I now have some corn, melons, apples, squash, and ginger. The only problem is that I can't eat any of it this week. That's ok, read this blog to find out why.

The 5 day pouch test

I have been having some trouble with eating the right portions and eating the right foods. A fellow weight loss patient, from my support group, had mentioned this site in an e-mail, and I thought that I would give it a try.

If you are interested in reading more detail about what I am doing, click here to go to the web page.

There are a few things that are going to be hard to get used to, and that is eating in 15 minutes. I have just trained myself to eat slower. But since the portion sizes will be smaller, maybe it won't make that much of a difference.

I plan on starting this Monday the 20th. I will also be going to all of my strength training sessions, 3 times a week, karate classes on Mon. and Thurs., and lastly cardio every day! Wholly cow...did I say cardio every day. Well this weight has to come off some how. I am still sticking to my 50 pounds gone by Halloween. I would love to be able to fit into a plus size costume this Halloween.

I have no reason for excuses, Jim has the bike back on the road, Kelly has a dentist appt. but it's not until later in the afternoon, and finally, I HAVE to do this for MYSELF!! I'm not going to let anything get in my way this time. It's my way or the highway this week. I'm going to regain my self confidence even if it means I'm a little selfish this week. So watch out world....I'm coming through and you better step aside!!!

Perception or actuality?

Last night, I had some emotional issues that I thought were resolved, obviously they haven't been. I have been told that I see everything in a negative way. Well let me explain that. When something doesn't go exactly right, I turn it into my fault, that it was something that I did wrong. Now, I personally don't see that I am like this, but I do know that I have some image issues. With all that being said I struggle with how I see things. Is it just my perception of how I see and react to a situation, or did it really happen that way.

I am a very sensitive person when it comes to emotions, and how I am perceived to others and vise versa. So last night was a real struggle for me.

Last night was my intermediate karate class. I was running a little bit late. I walked into class, and there were some people there that hadn't been there in a long time. I fell into line, and proceeded to participate in the class. Jay the normal instructor wasn't there so Adrian was teaching the class. Adrian is a good teacher, he goes slow, and makes sure you understand what it is he is asking of you. The two people that haven't been there are Gerald, he studies Mui Tay and is an advanced student. The other student is Doreen, she is a beginning student. Now the way things work at the gym are that men practice with men and women practice with women.

I am no where near an advanced student, but I have been going to almost every class since I started. I am having issues with the classes even before last night due to how the class is taught, and some tension between the instructors. When I started, Saturday was the self defense class and the Monday and Thursday classes were the Tang Soo Do karate. I was fine with that. Then things started to change. Some of the instructors wanted to learn some new form of karate and it started bleeding over into the karate classes. Not to mention, that everyone had their own style of teaching the moves in Tang Soo Do and everyone wanted you to do it their way and not the way of the other instructors. So Saturdays class was different than Monday's and Thursday's was different than Monday's and Saturday's. The classes started loosing people due to other things (I hope) rather than the style changes. I went with the flow of the classes, I learned the new things etc. I was getting really comfortable with the moves and what I was doing.

Then last night everything changed. I didn't think that Gerald intimidated me but I guess he does. As for Doreen, that is a whole other story. When I first started, she had already gone to a few classes before me. That was fine. When Spencer asked if I would like to join them in practice on Friday's, I felt things started to feel different. I am a very shy person and usually have to have people come up to me to start a conversation. In class I don't say much, and I stand quietly watching and listening. So I know that I tend to portray an array of arrogance. But that is really so not me. Anyway, I felt tension between Doreen and myself. Again, I don't know if this is my perception or if the tension was actually there. But it got to the point that if she was there, I really didn't want to be. I am also a perfectionist and a fast learner so once I learn something and get it down, I want to learn something else. Now we all learn at different levels. Since Doreen and I were the only women in the class, we were always paired together. Which is fine but there was a kind of competition between us, that to me started to feel nasty. It felt like a one up manship all of the time. I don't like that. I lived with that going up and I try and stay away from all of those feelings.

Well it wasn't long before Doreen stopped coming to class. The negative competition seemed to go away. I was doing good, at least the instructors said so. Then last night when I had to work with Doreen again, all of those feelings came rushing back. My self confidence was shot to hell, and I felt like I was a failure. Not to mention that we were doing moves that we haven't done in months, but that is no excuse. Why does this woman bring out these feelings in me. I can't stand to be around her. I would never be rude or ignore her because that is not my nature. I was seriously thinking about quiting the classes, but didn't want to feel like a failure in that I had to quit because of some stupid emotions.

I know I am not explaining this as well as I probably could, because it is an emotional issue for me. I probably sound like I am a royal princess and ego fanatic but I'm really not. I cried all the way home from the gym last night because I don't really want to quit the class but I can't concentrate and really learn when I feel like this. Not to mention, it throws my self esteem into the toilet, and I feel like I lose all of the work that I have done so far.

So what do I do? Do I just put these feelings aside and try and bury them to forget them? That's not healthy. Do I confront her with my feelings? That's not cool. What if I am the only one that feels this way, then I look like a real horses arse. Do I quit? Then I'm letting someone else run my life.

I know I have issues, but I thought that I had them handled. This makes me wonder if I am fooling myself. And yes, I guess that is a negative thought that makes things all about me. But if I continue to think like this, will I ever change? Will I ever be happy? Is it because I'm not happy with how I look? Is it because I'm not sure who I really am? I just don't know.

As it stands, I will be missing the self defense class Saturday, due to taking my mom and sister to a corn festival, but part of it is that I don't want to see Doreen. Is that wrong? It feels wrong, but it also feels like the only way to deal with it right now.

A new Tuesday ritual?

Tuesday's temperatures were going to be into the triple digits, and since mom and Kelly don't have air conditioning, I thought that I would take them out to some places that were cool. It turns out that mom and Kelly thought that they were cool in more ways than one!!

I picked them up around 7am to get an early start. Mom knew where I was planning on taking them for breakfast but Kelly didn't. I thought it was going to kill my sister not knowing where we were going. Oh course, mom and I kept telling her it was either some tofu place or someplace like McDonald's. I know I am so evil. But what can I say, it's in my nature. LOL.

We finally got to downtown and found a place to park in front of Crepeville. I have taken mom there a few times before, but this was Kelly's first time. Kelly is a real sucker for crepes and I thought that this would be a nice surprise. Not to mention that they have FANTASTIC food!!!

I sat them down at a table to look over the menu. I thought for sure we would be there by lunch time before they figured out what they wanted to order.
Kelly looked a little disappointed when she opened the menu and found all kinds of savory crepes and no sweet ones. Oh course mom and I had to tease her about it, but then we showed her the back of the menu with all of the dessert crepes. You can see the joy she found when she read that part!
Naturally we all ordered something different. I was trying to stay within my healthy eating if you can actually do that at a place that sells crepes. Luckily, I knew from before that you can get a plate of fresh fruit as a side or instead of your potatoes. Uh hum....I added mine as a side with my potatoes. Since Kelly got a dessert crepe, she ordered a side of potatoes. You can see how big the portions are! But trust me they are well worth it.
Here is my order. You notice that there is a couple of bites out of it before I took the picture!! LOL. I ordered the Canneloni crepe. There were others that had more veggies and stuff but oh it tasted sooo good. I only ate about a quarter of it and took the rest home. You can't imagine how hard it was to take it home. But I was good.
Mom ordered the Californian crepe. It was full of veggies, and avocado with sour cream. Yep, there are a few bites out of that one too!!

And last but definitely not least, was Kelly's order. She ordered a dessert crepe that was a Raspberry Blintz. Man it looked good. The crepe was surrounded with applesauce. Mmmm.

If you would like to know a little bit more about Crepeville, I found a site that has there menu and some great reviews. Just click here to check it out.

After we had stuffed ourselves with food, we walked across the street to the Buckhorn to see what they offered for lunch. Hey, hey, now, off my back, it was for Jim's lunch not mine. LOL. We looked over the menu there and then did some window shopping at the bead store, and a pottery store. It was a good thing that they weren't open yet, they had some fantastic stuff to look at. But since they weren't open....no money was spent....at least at that trip.

I was trying to think of things that weren't that costly to do and I thought of the farmers market. It had been awhile since any of us had gone to one, and I thought it would be a blast. Besides, there are always some free samples!!

The farmers market didn't open until 10am which was going to give us plenty of time to check it out, get back to the Buckhorn to get Jim's lunch, and then deliver it to him by noon. Whew. By the time we found a parking place downtown at 9th and P street, we were cutting it really close. The only parking place I could find was a 30 minute only. I told mom and Kelly that we are going to have to really hoof it today. They were up for the challenge. The very first table we came to had some blackberries. Oh man, the lady let us sample them. I could have eaten at least a bushel of them right then and there. But we walked on. We promised to come back before we left though.

There weren't a ton of people there but enough that it was hard for me to get too many pictures. Not to mention I was too busy sampling all of the great produce. But here is mom and Kelly pondering over whether or not to buy this tomato. Ok, this photo is staged, since mom and I both planted three tomato plants at home, but it's a good photo!! LOL.
Now you know that this photo isn't staged...mom and Kelly would kill me if they knew that I took a photo of their backsides!! We saw some absolutely beautiful flowers there. If I was going straight home, I might have bought some.

Before we left the market, we found a table that was selling some cheese. OMG, this cheese was excellent! Mom bought some for us to share....she conveniently forgot to give me some when I went home. Just kidding, I had to leave quickly to go get Jim, and didn't get to take any home. But I had to give her some grief anyway. We did stop back at the blackberries and I bought 3 small baskets of them. They actually made it home. But not for long!!!

We finished off our day by getting a free Baja fish taco from Long John Silvers and having lunch. Once again I have told my mom about something good, and until I take her to it or make her eat it, she waits forever to try it. Turns out she really likes them. Go figure. LOL.

We stopped off at the drug store and the grocery store, then I took them home. It was a long hot day, but it was a fun day. The whole day, mom and Kelly kept asking if we are going to do this again next Tuesday. Well we may do the farmers market but all of the eating out is not going to happen. But it was fun non the less.

We'll see what is in store for me next Tuesday.

Here's how I train

Well I had a bright idea this morning, that I would take my camera to the gym and have Zach take a photo of what I do at my training sessions with him. Okay well it sounded like a good idea when it was in my head, but after seeing the photos....well I think I need to get back to the gym. No wonder people look at me....I would look at me too. Do I really look like this?! Oh lord!!

These are what Zach calls rows. I have any where from 140-160 pounds that I am pulling back to my chest. I do three sets of 15 of these.

This one I have no idea what it's called, but Zach is having me do these to help strengthen up my shoulders and equalize my arms. These will help a lot with my throws in karate too. The weight I usually have on these is 70-80 pounds on each arm. I also do three sets of 15 on these.

Next, are my favorites *sneer*. These are the squats. I have to keep my arms straight, sit down on that little red metal stand, then stand back up again. All of that right there is a count of one!!! Yes you can see the love I have for these on my face!!! Today I did one set of 15 at 80 pounds, another set of 12 at 70 pounds, and my last set of 15 at 60 pounds! I asked Zach why do I feel like throwing up, and he told me that's because I'm doing them right. LOVELY!!! At least I got through them.

Next are these 45 degree bending things. Funny they don't look really hard huh. Well after all of the other sets, these can feel darn right impossible. This photo is the start of the exercise. I stand like this. Notice that there are no strings holding me on, no weights counter balancing me...it's all me baby!

This is the second half of the exercise. I bend down and with the strength in my back, legs, and butt, I bring myself back up to an upright position. I do three sets of 10 of these.

The last exercise that I do Zach couldn't take a picture for me because we ran out of time. But it is another exercise to help strengthen my back and upper abs. I stand holding each end of a rope at either side of my neck. I then bend down as far as I can, and straighten up again keeping my stomach tight and not coming all the way straight up. These are actually the easiest of all the exercises that I do. I do two sets of 15 of these at 55 pounds.

Now on top of doing this three times a week, I am supposed to do cardio of 40 minutes at least 4-5 times a week. I also have karate three times a week. Although the karate is becoming less and less cardio and just something fun to go to. But I'm keeping up with my routine. I have to force myself sometimes to go, but if I'm going to reach 50 pounds down by October, I have to keep this up.

By the way the scale at the gym this morning read at 344. That's down 8 pounds since my cry for help. I even weighed after I ate breakfast. So all is well.

Time to start harvesting

I have been neglecting my veggies for awhile and Jim told me that I had to come look at them. So this morning before I headed off to the gym, I checked out my bounty! Wow!!! Time to eat some salads!! As you can tell they need some love and water, so that is next on the list of things to do today. But enough of that check these out!!!

These are my Roma tomatoes. I can't believe how many there are!!

These are my Jet tomatoes. These are supposed to be low in acid. Although I'm having some problems with these guys. Some of them seem to be rotting on the bottoms before they ripen. Not sure what is going on but I'll look into it.

And low and behold, my Sweet 100's. They are soooo good. And they are really thriving too!
My bell peppers. It's kind of hard to see but I actually have about 3-4 almost ready to be picked! Oh poor Jim....he hates bell peppers!!!

And finally, my cucumbers. I have two really nice big ones but I'm not sure when to pick them. Do I wait until they are all filled out like a tube, or can I pick them now? No worries though, Jim is the only one that likes these! Yuck. The things I do for a marriage. LOL.

So that is the drama of the veggies for today. I am going to go out an harvest them after I am done here, and see what kind of masterpieces I can create! Mmmmmm. Now off to the kitchen.

Thank you all for the support

I know that most of you looked at my cry for help and thought what in the world could I do? Well believe it or not, you all did it just by reading my blog.

Just to give you all a little insight to how my head works. I was in a super low point when I wrote my blog. It was the end of the month, and I felt like I had not accomplished anything. My weight was up, I was feeling guilty about not working out like I should have, and I kept catching myself eating things I would not normally eat (like a bag of white chocolate cooking chips). I was also catching myself buying junk, and eating it while Jim was not home, or wasn't looking. An advantage and disadvantage of not letting Jim in the kitchen while I cook. *wink*. I couldn't take it anymore. I normally don't bother anyone with my issues because I don't do well with others doting all over me. I am more comfortable dealing with things alone. When I have to ask for help, I feel weak and that I didn't have what it takes to get the job done. Now I know to most of you this kind of thinking is stupid. I'm sorry but it is the way I have always dealt with things. It has always been easier to work things out alone than to upset the balance of life. I also have a huge fear of failure. So for me having to ask for help is a failure on my part. There are many reasons why I have developed this kind of thinking and they are deep rooted in my past, but they tend to leak into how I deal with things today.

With that being said, I have to set the record straight that Jim is not the culprit of my eating issues. I know many of you read my blog thinking that Jim was the one that wanted the goodies and things and that I just ate them and didn't tell him about it. That is wrong. Jim very seldom actually wants sweets. I am the one that craves them. Jim wouldn't ask for the stuff, I would buy it because I thought that he should have it should he ever want it. Where deep down, I do realize that I bought it because I wanted it around for me not Jim. I was the one that would go to the store and buy ice cream and buy a flavor that I know Jim would like, but I was the one that got into it at every chance I could. The house really doesn't have that much junk in it except when I buy it. So please, everyone, don't take it out on Jim. Jim is one of my greatest supporters ever. He has stood by me through all of the ups and downs, and let me tell you there have been many!! Jim would never sabotage anything that I do.

Anyway, I didn't expect anyone to do anything for me really. I had just reached a point that I had to let it out. I couldn't take the pressure I was putting on myself. I guess it was also sort of a pity party and venting session. The only thing I can tell you of what I expected was in the movie "Good Will Hunting", there is a part where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon that it's not his fault. If you haven't seen the movie, it's hard to explain. But I think I just needed someone to hold me and let me know that I'll get through this, and to let me let some of my self made pressure go. I expect so much from myself, more so than others ever do.

I have to admit that I read a few e-mails and posts the night I posted my blog, and they brought a tear to my eye. I knew that you all supported me but never realized the impact that my blog would have on many of you. I really felt the love from all of you, love I very seldom give myself. So for that I thank you all so much.

I did wake up the next morning with a bit of panic in my mind. Here is where I have my "stinkin thinkin" as most therapists would call it. I instantly thought, what am I going to do now. I have put out a cry for help, and now I'm going to get it. I am going to have all of my friends and family contacting me to see how I am doing and what they can do to help. Most people would think this as a good thing. Now don't get me wrong I love you all for wanting to do this, but in my head I turn it into that I am not strong enough to be able to lose this weight and change my life. I never want anyone to change their life or lifestyle to accommodate me. This was my idea to make this change, and I have to learn to live with it in the real world. So this is the thought of panic that came over me. I don't want any of you to think that I don't want your help, because that is not true. I just have to learn to change my way of thinking, accepting compliments, and asking and receiving help. Please bear with me, I am getting better, but this is something that isn't going to change over night. So please don't worry about me. Once I got my cry out, I was already picking myself up and starting the change.

I went to the gym on Friday and pushed my hardest with my trainer and it felt wonderful. I didn't eat junk on the 4th and have started to get back on the band wagon. I am feeling much better and that is from all of your love and support. So for this, again, I thank you all, and love you all so much.

A cry for help!!

It's 2:39pm on a Thursday afternoon, and 85 days until my best friend Wendy's wedding. I had set a goal of 50 pounds lost in 5 months. Now with my Lap Band it should be no problem. In fact it should be a total walk in the park. But no. I am having problems. I could make excuses on why I'm not losing weight, like I have too much stress, no time, I've been sick, I've hurt my shoulder (I really did), but they are just that, excuses. I have lost a bit of my drive and motivation. Yes, it's harder to get to the gym because Jim and I only have the one car now, but I have an exercise bike here at home. But there again, it's an excuse.

Exercise is not the only problem either. My eating has gotten out of control. I have gone back to my pre-surgery habits again. The sneaking food, this is the worst one because I'm only hurting myself. Jim doesn't care if he has that apple pie, or chocolate bar. But yet I feel like I have to hide it from him that I have eaten it. And I have been eating stupid things!! Like I get a craving for cheese. All in all the cheese is not that bad for me...except when I eat half of a cup of it!!! I start out okay in the mornings and sometimes even into lunch. It's the time after lunch that kills me. I eat without thinking. I sometimes eat as early as a half an hour after I have eaten lunch.

I STILL don't have any feeling of being full or hungry. I am back to eating because I'm bored, stressed, unhappy, or breathing. This has got to stop!! And it has to stop now!!! Another disgusting aspect of this bad habit, is that I am lying to myself. Sort of an out of site, out of mind. Except when I get on the scale at the gym or try and put on my Gi for karate, that it comes back into site and into mind. After it has come back into mind, I feel guilty, disgusted, and totally down on myself and yep you guessed it, I start eating again. The sad thing is that it doesn't comfort me anymore and yet I still do it.

I have to get this weight off, not just for the wedding but for my own sake and health. I haven't seen my surgeon for 4 months because I'm ashamed of the 25 pounds I have put back ON!!! I was 20 pounds away from 100 pounds lost until I put the pounds back on.

I am not sure how to get my head back into the game. I know what I have to do, but I am having a hard time actually doing it. So I am breaking down and asking all of you for help. Those of you who really know me, know that this is the hardest thing for me to ever do, is ask for help. But I have no other option.

4th of July pies for Jim's work

Last night I decided that I needed to make some pies for the guys at Jim's work. Since the Governor has decided that all state workers need to take another furlough day, some of the guys have to work on Friday before the 4th. So the guys don't get a three day weekend. I personally thought that it sucks, so I figured I would ease the pain with pie!!

I wanted all of the guys to be able to have some pie so I sent them with Jim today rather than taking them in on Friday. Now out of the guys that are working today, I needed to be watchful not to include any dairy, not to make stuff too sweet, and have enough for about 10 guys to have a piece of each. How do you make a red, white, and blue pie with no white?!? Ah ha! Make berry pies and send a carton of CoolWhip!!

I was up till 10:30pm last night making the pies, but it was well worth the effort!! The two pies I made were a mixed berry pie that had strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and blackberries. The other pie was a single crust blueberry pie. Here they are cooling on the table below.

This is a close up of the mixed berry pie. Mmmmmm!

And of course the blueberry pie.

I packaged them all up so Jim wouldn't have a hard time taking them in this morning, sent in some paper plates, forks, and serving utensils.

I got a call from Jim about an hour and a half later. Jim had to inform me of the status of the pies. Now I thought that they would all wait until lunch and scarf them down then. Nope. Jim told me that as soon as he put them down, they were observed and the boss came and took a slice, then the whole crew followed suit!! There was only one slice of blueberry left and only one piece taken out of the mixed berry. Wow!!

Jim called me before his lunch and the pies were still safe but not everyone had gone to lunch yet. Who knows if there will be any pie left for the guys tomorrow, but at least they enjoyed it today!!!