Doing it my way

The alarm rings on my phone. Groggily I roll over and turn it off. I lay there staring at the clock snug under the covers, Bo curled up behind my legs. My mind races to find a reason not to go to the gym. Yesterday was so disappointing. I close my eyes and lay there.

Every excuse my mind came up with today, it also had a reason why I needed to go. I laid in bed for about half an hour until I drug my buns out of bed. I had made sure to make my protein shakes last night so my meal is ready to grab and guzzle down. It may not seem like much, but when you are searching for a way to get out of something, having to fix something to eat can seem like a HUGE obstacle.  I got dressed and had to force myself to go but I went.

I decided that I am going to keep a lower speed with my walk but I'm not going to seriously baby my heel. I stretched before I started. I was about 15 minutes in when 3 other women came in. Normally I don't have an issue with this but that's because I'm working hard. But when they came in, and yes they are all thin, and started on the machines every insecurity that I have ever had flooded over me. I actually wanted to stop. Not a single person was looking at me, but it didn't matter. What is with me??? Well I know that since I was walking like a snail I made myself feel fat and useless. I fought my thoughts and continued. I know that I need to push this out of my mind or I will really hurt my heel. I will think of nothing other than competing to make myself feel better that I will end up amping the speed and will pay for it later. So I turned up my music a bit louder and refocused myself. I got through a total of 30 minutes as I still had strength training to go. I left the upper level with my head down.

Once downstairs with the weights I just started my routine. I started my leg presses. I can feel my spirit start to rise again. I lowered the weight as to not put too much pressure on my heel but was still able to do 3 sets of 15 at 220 pounds!! That made me feel really good. I didn't get the burn that I usually strive for but I don't want to push too fast. I'm already doing much more than I should. I put on my weight gloves and headed over to where I do standing crunches. The grips that I normally use, another guy was using them. So I grabbed another set but they didn't fit the hook. I look up and the guy that was using the grips asks me if I need them. I nodded yes, as my headphones were still in. He walks them over to me and looks at me smiles and starts to talk to me. I take out my earbuds, and he smiles and says it's good to see you back again. My heart soared!!!! I smiled and thanked him and replied it's good to be back. Now I am the only woman at this hour that works out with these guys, there are about 6 total. I started my crunches with 80 pounds and had no problem with my first set. I let the weights go and they made a loud thunk. A new guy standing next to me jumped and looked at me like what an amazon!!! I loved it!!!! I am in my element!!!! I finished out my routine with the same weights I had stopped with about a month ago. That made me really happy. But what made me the happiest is that I was able to get my heart rate up with my weights and get a good sweat going and feel like I did something!! Still not happy with the cardio but all in all a good workout.

As for why my insecurities came back, I will have to work on that. I have grown so much from those days that I don't want that poison to seep back into me. It has no place in me anymore!!! My heel was killing me but I made sure to stretch it out again after the workout. The anti-inflammatory meds are my new best friend for awhile. I will take it easy over the weekend a bit but back at it on Monday. I could feel my heel start to hurt but as usual worked through it and dealt with it afterwards. As long as I maintain it and take care of it, I'm going to push forward and a bit harder every day. I will make this happen. I am strong enough and determined enough.

The struggle between mind and body

Well as you know I have not been around for a very long time. There has been no journey to the center of a fat woman, I have just been a fat woman. There are many reasons for this but I must say that most of them are excuses rather than actual hinderences. But there has been one actual reason that has troubled and stopped me from my journey a bit. That thorn in my side is my injured Achilles tendon. Achilles tendinitis to be exact. The doctor told me months ago to stay off of it and stretch it 5 times a day. Ok I have to admit that I have not stayed off of it and usually push it too far and too hard and well the stretching is more like 3 times a day rather than 5. I explained to him that I had just gotten into a really good workout routine that I really don't want to stop. I was told that I can continue to exercise but if I feel the slightest pain or throbbing in my heel back it off or stop. Well I thought I could do that. But when I exercise I tend to get into a mindset sort of like tunnel vision and focus on reaching the goal rather than what my body is telling me. Doesn't help that I have a HUGE tolerance for pain. So I will be exercising and by the time I notice that my heel hurts it's too late and I am off my feet for 3 days at least! I don't really want to explode my heel but I'm sort of at the point that maybe I should. Now don't get excited on me and rush to tell me how bad that would be. I won't actually do this as I am not a very good patient and I can't stand the down time. It's just the frustration is killing me!!

I went back to the gym this morning for some cardio. My weight has been a yo yo of 6-8 pounds for months. I gain and lose and gain all in the same month only to end up with no loss at all. My mental state with this is getting worse and worse. I have to fight myself to eat because nothing even sounds good to eat and everything has a ton of calories at least in my eyes right now. But back to the gym this morning. I stretched before I started the treadmill until I felt like my heel was loosened up. Turns out it wasn't. I started my walk slow and leisure for the first 5 minutes to help stretch my heel. I started to turn up the speed a bit trying to stay focused on my heel rather than my goal. I made it to about 8 minutes when I could feel my heel start to pound and the start of that sharp pain again. Ok turn down the speed. Now I'm not jogging or anything like that....I'm WALKING!!!!! In fact I feel like I am walking slower than my normal stride!!! But my heel hurts so I back off. It still hurts. I stop the treadmill and stretch out my heel. It starts to feel a bit better so I get back at it. Here we go again walking like a snail but I'm walking. My heart rate is only at about 133! That's not even enough to work up a sweat on me. I try and bump the speed again to about 2.8 on the treadmill. Now anyone that knows me knows that this speed is killing me. I don't even feel like I am working out!! I normally keep my heart rate at very least 145-157! But I stayed focused on my heel. I would push it a bit to see if maybe just walking faster might stretch it out and I can continue. No!! I ended up with only 30 minutes of cardio and didn't feel anything as far as benefits from it!! I mean come on....I didn't even work off the calories of my protein shake this morning for breakfast!! 260 calories how hard would that be to work off!!! I could do that by walking Bo! But I would come home with a sore heel and off my feet again.

So what do I do? Do I maintain trying to pay attention to my heel and have to starve myself to get the calories off? Or do I push hard like I love to do and my body needs and take the chances of my heel exploding? The whole time working out today my mind and body wanted and needed to push SOOO much harder than what I was doing but my heel thought otherwise. I have tried other forms of working out to try and not hurt my heel but again, I don't get the level of intensity that my body and mind need and crave. Being 300+ pounds there is not much that I do that doesn't put a strain on my heel. Sitting and getting up, bending over, reaching tall, and even laying on the floor to do planks, crunches, bicycle it all hurts it! And if I go by my doctors recommendations of when it hurts stop or back off I might as well do nothing!!! And I am not satisfied or happy with that!

Tomorrow is cardio and weights. I'm going to focus on my goal and try and stay in tune with how I am feeling with my heel, but I need to get my heart rate up and feel my workout. If I don't I lose interest and revert back to that old fat me again that. I really don't want that!! I am still trying for my goal weight by my birthday next year! 40 years old on Nov. 20!!! I think that would be the best 40th birthday gift ever!!!

On with the day, and trying to keep my spirits up. My fear of failure is lurking around the corner and I don't want it to catch up with me! I will not fail at this. I can't!!!!

Frustration....

Woke up this morning feeling really good! I had gone to a yoga class for the first time ever last night and did really well and felt really good. I had hit the gym early that morning and spent the afternoon working in the backyard bent over cutting down bamboo by hand. I also drank almost a gallon of water as well (I was one 16.9oz bottle away from it!) I was pretty proud of myself. Walked into the kitchen for the daily weigh in (and no I don't do this as an obsession, I weigh every morning at the gym as well to set the treadmill it's just a habit and I don't "normally" go ballistic at the results) and wanted to cry! The four pounds I had lost the week before...were gone and I had gained an extra pound!! My heart sank. I know it's not muscle that made the weight gain. It was pure and simple fat!! Now I'm not saying that it's not my fault that I got here. I ate out with mom and my sister twice this week in a row, and did have a piece of See's candy! But I was sure I had worked off what I consumed! On top of that...my blood sugar was 131!! It's been so good. Dinner was an Asian turkey burger which I made from scratch, and I did eat a cup of soup. But then I went a couple of hours later and did an hour of yoga and really worked up a sweat. Sigh.

So rather than crying and eating everything in sight, I made myself a protein shake and added some strawberries and drank breakfast. My mind was still not settled with the weight gain. I know that I had not worked as hard as I could and should have. I let outside influences distract me. Don't get me wrong, I am by no way putting the blame on anyone but myself. I know darn well who is the cause of all of this. So after kicking myself mentally a bit, I made a very hard decision.

I had known that there is only one way for me to reach my 2 pound a week loss. I had to get rid of any distraction and focus on me! As you know, it's so much more fun to chat on Facebook, play with friends, eat out, and sit on your butt. Well I had to look at do I want to reach my goal and have a lifetime of fun or do I want to sit and have some temporary fun and waste my life away. Tough decision I know. Now a healthy minded person would look at that as a no brainer. But for me it was a bit rough. I am a very social creature and do enjoy my friends and to see what they are up to. But I don't want to be that person who can't get out of their chair. So I took a deep breath and took the plunge. I wrote a good bye to all of my friends and signed off. Now I know you are thinking....you have to have some type of communication with someone. Well I do. I have taken off all of the notices from Facebook off of my phone, but my closest friends do have my phone number and can call or text me. I am not alone. I am just not allowing myself to live through others lives. It's time I get one of my own! I felt the loss of them almost instantly as my phone didn't chime with it's ever so often ding da da ding. I found myself logging in on my phone and logging off before it ever connected.  I sat there for a minute and decided...get off your butt and go move something. So I went out and did my workout. It felt good to do it. And the longing for my friends lessened a bit.

The rest of my day was a bit slow but was productive. I didn't eat everything in site, got some household chores done, and actually drank some more water! Ha ha ha!! I have made up my mind that I am going back to my protein shakes 2x a day and a healthy balanced dinner. I got away from it this last time knowing that I was going to eat out so by having cottage cheese instead I cut the calories down. But obviously my choices were not good ones. So I am going back to what I know and what worked in the past. Staying focused on me (which don't be surprised if I go a bit crazy now and then) for my greater good.

I have a long hard road ahead of me, and I know it. But I have to fight for it and through it no matter how it hurts right now. With that said......

logging off.....until tomorrow. Thank you for listening and still reading  *slight smile*

Motivation....anything I can get.

Well Happy Sunday everyone! So what are you doing? Are you sitting at home in front of the tv relaxing trying to unwind from the week you had? Or are you outside walking in the sun, playing in your garden, or having a BBQ with friends? Are you thinking oh I will start tomorrow again on my diet and exercise?  I just want to relax.

I can honestly tell you that I am usually the one who is sitting watching tv, or my favorite addiction, my computer lol. The line I tell myself is that I need a day of rest to regroup and get focused again. Well I can no longer accept that way of thinking. Because when Monday comes, I'm too busy, or tired, just don't feel like it, or just don't care to (the worst of them all!) All of these are excuses I tell myself. But I have to realize that they are just that excuses! I always have time to answer a text on my phone, post something on Facebook, watch a tv show, or just veg out!! It's where your priorities lie. And as the weather gets warmer, it usually means not wanting to go outside when it's 100 degrees, but stay in the house at a chilly 68 degrees. But all that does is allow my butt to get bigger and my self esteem sink lower.

I know it's hard to keep motivated, believe me I know. Especially if you are doing this on your own. Well I am here to tell you that there are ways if you push yourself to experience them. A couple of my favorites are my CD's of people who have lost weight from my 6 Week Body Make Over set, and watching a new show on ABC called Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition. Yes I bought all of these diet and exercise things to help me loose weight in the past, why not use them for your benefit! I take what worked for me from each thing like I like the exercises and motivational CD's of the 6 Week Body Make Over set, the exercises from Exercise Ball for Dummies, the food regime from my weight loss surgery binder for the Lap Band etc. It's all about making it work for you, what makes it fun and enticing for you! Now I know I just told you to get off your but and not watch tv. So get off your butt and dance in place while you're watching or simply walk in place. I personally ride my stationary bike. Watching while exercising makes it that much more tolerable  You know that old spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down.

I will be honest with you. I am very competitive and a bit of a perfectionist. Which sometimes makes watching these shows and listening to these CDs hard to do. My head says I can do that and I've done harder than that. Why didn't it work for me. Well duh...I didn't stick with it through the whole thing. Isn't that usually the way it goes. You do great for awhile but then you plateau, family troubles, financial troubles, or you just burn out. Then you never really get back into it. That is the time, you need to switch it up and stop what you are doing and change it till it's fun again. I have fallen victim many times to the frustration of those excuses so here I sit almost 3 years after surgery only 68 pounds lighter than BEFORE my surgery!! Now if that isn't motivational I don't know what is....well it's usually not enough for me. I have let myself settle for so long not caring or wanting anything from life. Well it's time I smack my self either in the face or the butt!

So that is what I've done. That is why I am pushing so hard to stay focused and maintain this new thrive for life and a new healthier me! I know some of you may look at me and think wow I wish I had her positive attitude and drive. Let me tell you. It is a struggle every day!!!! It's not until I really get into a routine and really start seeing results that it becomes easier for me. I don't just wake up and nearly pee my pants with excitement to get to the gym. It's a push. But I push because this is something I want. If you have followed my  BLOG for any length of time you will see many many many posts about starting over again, getting going again, really ready to do it this time. I am not so unlike all of you. I just get moments of drive and usually act upon them but I am human...I falter and have to start again. But I DO start again!!! Each time learning something new about myself what I like don't like, what worked, what didn't. It took me many years to put all of this on even if it was mindlessly done, it was done. I must now be mindful to get it off.

There are so many things out there to help you and most of them are free! Just takes time to find them. I try and bring them here to you but what works for me may not work for you. Try not watching that tv show for one night and take an hour to search the web and see what you can find. But always believe in yourself (even though that's harder for me than losing the weight).

I have just logged into Reshape The Nation, which is the guy from the show Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition. He has meal plans, exercise routines, chat rooms, videos, and much more. And he works with extreme obese people. Now granted these shows all have something that most of us don't have and that is time to do all of these things. For example....I don't have the time or gas money to spend 4-5 hours at the gym. So I make do with what I have here at home and get to the gym as often as I can.

It's in all of us to do this. I know I can do it (at least deep down I know I can still talking myself into it :o])  So give it a try.

Recipe Time!! ~ Year Round Corn Chowder

I made this soup for us on Monday of this week and hadn't posted it yet, so here it is. Now this is not a heavy chowder like most of us are used to. I would call it more of a soup, but it was tasty non the less. So before I go on and on...here is the recipe for it.

Year Round Corn Chowder

Serves 8

1/2 cup all-purpose flour

1 1/2 quarts chicken broth

1 cup half and half  (I used fat free half and half)

3 cups or 1 pound frozen or fresh corn kernels

1 pound baby (new) red or yellow potatoes, quartered (I used regular yukon gold potatoes and made them with about a 1/2-3/4 inch dice)

1 cup diced onion

1 cup diced red bell pepper  (I didn't add this, Jim is not a fan of it)

1/4 cup diced cooked bacon (use the real stuff people, turkey bacon has fillers and things and you are not using that much bacon. Enjoy the flavor of the real stuff)

2 Tablespoons unsalted butter (I used Country Crock margarine)

1 Tablespoon sugar

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon black pepper

1 teaspoon dried thyme

In a large pot, whisk the flour into the broth until no lumps remain. Add the half and half, corn, potatoes, onion, bell pepper, bacon, butter, sugar, salt, pepper, and thyme and stir to combine.

Set the lid ajar and cook the chowder over medium low heat for 35 minutes, or until the potatoes are tender. Serve immediately.

*Ok so some quick notes or suggestions. You can add all sorts of things to this recipe to change it and make it your own. Like adding shredded carrots, leeks, diced chicken or ham. Just make sure that you cut your vegetables like carrots etc small enough so they cook in the allotted time. Also if you would like this to be thicker more like a chowder, you can use a few tricks like adding some dried potato flakes or pureed cauliflower. 

I can't tell you if this would freeze well as I didn't make a whole batch so there was not much left over after dinner. It found it's way into Jim's lunch. It was very tasty and very versatile. Give it a try and let me know what you think.

Where did the time go?

Wholly cow! Really has it been a week since I posted? Ok 5 days but still. I know the weekend was a bit crazy with going out to dinner with friends (which I must say was a fantastic time!!) to buying groceries for the month without breaking the bank.

I can't remember getting anything else done other than that. I know I didn't get my exercise in but my days were full and I was always busy, but I for the life of me, can't tell you what I did! It's this kind of thinking that gets me into trouble with my staying on track. I eat like this too. I think that I am eating healthy but when I really sit down and log everything and really think about everything I shoved in my mouth, I've eaten my calories for the week!

So how am I going to solve this problem? Well I would love to say just change it, but that never works for me. I get distracted with one thing or another, not that I want to but it does happen which frustrates and causes depression within me. So I have decided that I have to keep to a schedule and a strict schedule at that. Eat at such n such time, exercise at such and such time, play on the computer...you get the idea. I must make sure that everyone in my life knows about this schedule and adheres to it if they want to be with me. At least for awhile. I am having a hard time putting myself first again and this will help me do that. I know it's going to be really tough for awhile, let's face it change usually is. Now to just sit down and make the schedule and make it doable. Yes I have a tendency to over extend myself or create too lofty of goals for myself.  So it will be a work in progress but I know that once I get a good schedule life will be much easier to walk through. I'm hoping the added stress will be diminished, my eating will be under more control, and I can finally have a set workout time other than my 2am (which I haven't been doing in forever it seems).

Fingers crossed, for a positive outcome. Better yet...no fingers crossed...it's going to be a positive outcome!! I guess that means that it's time to get off the computer and get started!!

Time to burn those calories!

Hey there everyone! Today I started my new exercise search. Since I am to lay off of my foot (diagnosed with Achilles tendinitis and not suppose to be on it much for 6 months!) I am looking for new ways to burn those calories without the hard pounding treadmill...and yes when you are as heavy as I am...I tend to pound the pavement so to speak. LOL. So Tuesday when I was killing time waiting for my appointment at the mechanics, I went magazine browsing. I can across this great little magazine called Women's Health. The one I picked up was You Ultimate Shape-Up Guide. Great title and the whole magazine was full of different exercises for different parts of your body. Perfect!!!

Today I tried the very first workout in the magazine Tone Up For a Two Piece. Now I know that I am so far from a two piece, but I knew it would work my abs really well. I gave it a shot and followed the directions for each set. I was a bit worried after the first set. I wasn't even breathing hard. I thought oh no...this is never going to get my heart rate up! But I still followed the directions. The second set I could feel a bit of my muscles getting warm. Good sign, means they are working. But still not so much heavy breathing or feeling my heart rate that high. Third set I started to sweat! Awwhhh finally!! I do believe the hardest part of the whole thing was getting up off my back for move #6! LOL. But after I finished, my heart was pumping my abs were feeling the work, and my back was nice and stretched. As for the other areas like my arms and legs...well they will have to get work from a different workout. The 5 pound weights that I was using are good for isometrics but I need to really work my arms and legs with heavier weights to maintain the strength I have in them now. But all in all a good workout. I have no doubt it will help but there needs to be more added to this if I am going to make my goal of 2 pounds a week. I worked harder doing 30-45 minutes on the treadmill. So I'm adding some time on the bike as well. But for an all around nice toning workout, this one was pretty good.

The Beauty Of Those Brutal Plateaus

The Beauty Of Those Brutal Plateaus

Please click on the purple link above to get to the BLOG I am referring to.

I just read this BLOG by another SparkPeople group. I so understand it and it was a good read to remind myself that I am not the only one who struggles. Like I really thought I was right? Not even close! But it's a good read and has some very good links to other good reads. Give a look and see if it can help you work through the struggles of the plateaus.

I can't fail with such love!!

I am sorry that I missed a day in posting but yesterday was so hectic and just draining. Between the auto mechanics trying to charge me $900 for a break job to barely coming home in time to keep my power from being shut off. Talk about a good time to really emotionally eat. But one of the things that kept me strong was rereading all of the wonderful and loving notes you all sent me on my last entry! I truly have such wonderful people in my life!! I am truly blessed. I hold you all close to my heart always. And when there are days that I feel I don't love or even like myself, I can come back to all of your wonderful postings and things over the many years that I have known some of you and fill myself with that love until I am able to find it in myself again. I can not truly tell you what that means to me!

So even though yesterday was a long and very draining day, I still had my goal in mind. I stopped at WalMart to pick up a few things. I bought some 5 pound weights to go with my heavier weights so that when I am working on my cardio, I can also do some isometric training as well. I also bout a yoga mat. And yes Michelle I am still planning to go do some yoga with you soon! But I bought it to help cushion my knees and elbows on the floor when I am doing floor work. The shag carpet I have makes for very sore knees and elbows! LOL. I also picked up 3 videos. They are Gold's Gym workout videos that are more cardio and isometrics than heavy weights. The strength training I have no problem with at all. The wanting to do cardio other than the treadmill or bike is. That and it will give me a sense that I am working out with someone.

Well today is half over and I haven't done any exercise yet other than walk around the farmers market at the Capitol and to and from it (which was a nice block there and back). I had no trouble walking at all. Poor mom was having a time keeping up, but hey she did pretty good for being 73!! I am maintaining logging everything that I eat, and think I'm going to contact the bariatric dietitian about calorie intake. I want to make sure that what I am doing is really helping me not hindering me! There were some wonderful breads and cookies at the market and for a minute I thought, you know Jim might like some of those. Then I stopped and thought, no....don't do it! You KNOW you will not stay out of them!!! You do not have the will power yet to do that. I may of had it before, but I don't right now. And right now is what matters and counts! So I walked away! I must admit I am very proud of that. So they didn't have much in way of vegetables today, so I bought some fruit and headed back to the car. Now when I dropped mom off at her car (which was parked behind a chinese buffet) I was so temped to say do ya wanna grab lunch. And mom bless her heart would have said yes. Even though she knows it's not what I should be doing, she doesn't want me unhappy. So I have to be strong for myself and not even go there. I did tell her that I so wanted to eat there but wasn't going to. I headed home eating some pistachios from the market because it was far past 4 hours since my protein shake and I didn't have another one with me. I even kept the shells in my pocket so that when I got home, I could log just how many I ate! That and the 3 cherries I sampled at the market. LOL.

I am taking it one day at a time but know that I will succeed. I can't fail with such love from all of you, and I think I maybe finally ready to do this journey I started so many years ago, but really since surgery October of 2008. I think no I KNOW I am ready this time. I am so excited to see me at the end of the tunnel being that beaming glow not hiding from it! I truly love you all!!!

Groundhog Day!!

Last night I went to a BBQ at a friends house for Memorial day. A few days before I had made up my mind to go back to 2 protein shakes a day and a healthy meal for the third. By doing this I am allowing my mind to take a bit of a rest to recharge and refocus. Being at home all alone is my worst enemy. Since Shadow passed I no longer have someone to look after and take care of. So I promised her that I would look after and take care of myself. Which I want you to know seems harder than trying to get blood out of a turnip!

Now what does all of that have to do with going to a BBQ? Well let me try and explain. I have recently been trying to get some clothes that look more femine and fit better than the 5X men's T-Shirts I've been wearing for the last 5 years. Yes I said 5 years!!! If you look back at any photo ever taken of me (that is if you can ever find any, I run from the camera quicker than flash lightning) I am always in shorts/jeans and a huge baggy T-Shirt. Now finding clothes to fit me like I like them to seems also next to impossible. I am 6 feet tall with a long torso and long legs. I do have a belly skirt that is the dark spot of my existence. So since I don't like my belly skirt to show I prefer longer shirts than what most stores consider long. Even in the tall section or the tunic section the shirts are usually 30 inches long. Well ladies and gentleman, 30 inches hits me right in the middle of my belly skirt. There is no covering up that baby with that length. I gathered my wits and told myself, you can do it. As long as you look nice and you are confident, you can do it. So I bought the clothing. Let me tell you now....I must not have my wits about me....because I am still very very very self conscious about it. But I keep trying. Hence coming back to the BBQ. I had bought a mauve (and no it's not PINK, blech) tank top that had a hanky hem to it so the corners are a bit longer than the main length. I also bought some new stretch denim shorts to go with it. Since I have more fit legs I buy the shorts to fit my legs and be a bit tighter on my tummy since it's usually covered anyway.

So here is how I went to the BBQ. And no you can not have a larger photo to look at. *Cringing* Ok so first glance and head on, I don't look so bad right? Even with the camera adding 10 pounds....Well if any of you really know me, you know that I am soooo unhappy with how I look. It doesn't matter if you tell me I look amazing, my head is going to say "What!! you need brain surgery!!" But my friends are more important than being a bit uncomfortable....especially because I know they love me and could care less....that and we were all going to be heavily drinking...lol.

As I knew I would, I had a fantastic time! We laughed all night and it was as soon as I walked in the door my insecurities were greatly diminished. As usual, I am the photographer of the evening. It's actually a smart tactic for me. If I have the camera....then there are no photos of me. Except darn Kevin has decided to start taking photos at our gatherings!!! LOL. I took some silly photos and some really great group shots. Well I relinquished the rights to the camera while the guys were taking photos of us ladies all huddled together. I saw the photos from on the camera, but doesn't everyone look fairly good when you are on a 2 inch screen? It wasn't until this morning downloading the photos and sending them to everyone that....ugh.....yeah I saw myself. I was smiling and happy....but the after affects are always the worst aren't they? All I could see was this fleshy mound of mauve!! E-Gads....Barney washed out and fat! But I sent the photos anyway, knowing that they would be posted on everyone's Facebook page with all of us tagged in them.

Left to right: In back, Valora, Lori, me, Cara, Lindsay, and in front Holly.

So again here is the photo I saw, well one of many of them but this is one I know they won't kill me for posting on here...lol. I was crushed. Even though I had a fantastic time the only thing that I could think of was just how heavy I am. I don't feel like I am this big! I really and honestly don't. It's times like this when the depression takes over because I have let myself go like this. And even after having Lap Band surgery, I still did not possess the will, desire, drive, want, whatever you want to call it to succeed. I thought by having this BLOG it would help and it has, it's a place for me to come and reassure myself, and hopefully help others. But I haven't even been able to maintain a daily thought here either.

So once again, I start or should say try again. My friends found out that next year I will be 40, and were already pondering what we can do to celebrate it! Now turning 40 has no effect on me at all! But another year at 349 pounds does!!! So I thought ok, I have a year and a half from this point on till November 20, 2012 to lose 195 pounds. That will put me at my goal weight of 165 pounds. That roughly works out to 2 pounds a week to lose! Doable right??? Well I'm going to say yes! Although a very good friend of mine has just made me look at how I am seeing things. That if I try for 2 pounds a week, there are going to be weeks when I plateau and I can not afford to let myself get down on myself. Which is what would have happened and my Groundhog Day would have begun again. So I am going to push myself for a pound a week and to look at my progress as a monthly thing rather than a weekly thing. And I know that I have the power within me to push for more, as long as I don't listen to myself. Yes that dreaded negative self talk. I am one who wants instant results, but when it comes to weight who doesn't right? I need to stay focused on that force within me that drives me to do more, be more, want more from myself to reach that goal.

It's not going to be easy and I'm going to fight kicking and screaming to overcome some pretty hefty goals, thoughts, and obstacles. But somewhere in me is still that woman who can stand up to any man and hold her own. That is proud, confident, and loves herself. It's just going to take some very hard work, but I'm worth it aren't I? No matter how much I may fight thinking I am....I know that my baby Shadow thought I was, and I know that family and friends think I am. It's about time that I think I am!!!

Are Carbs the New Cocaine? Pt 1. | The Dr. Oz Show

Are Carbs the New Cocaine? Pt 1. | The Dr. Oz Show

Please click on the purple sentence above to go to the Dr. Oz segments.

Now you KNOW this peaked my interest. Because I do love my carbs. But am I really addicted? I DVR'd this show and just watched it. The women Dr. Oz had on the show basically couldn't live without the pasta, bread, etc. It was truly an addiction. They couldn't even go a day or get up in the morning without them.

I took a long look at myself. I love bread, pasta, chips etc. But I was able to give them up this year for Lent ~ a whole 48 days! I have to admit, I went back to them, but for me it's no so much as an addiction as a convenience. For example, breakfast. Since it is the hardest meal for me to eat due to my esophagus tightening as a result of my lap band surgery, I am pretty limited to eggs, cottage cheese, protein shake, or something of that nature. All of which take a little bit to fix. Not much I know but they do. And should I be in a hurry like running out the door to get Jim to work so I can have the car, it takes a bit of planning. Where Jim I can just pour him a bowl of cereal or throw some toast in the toaster then slap some PB & J on it and he has granted not a terribly healthy meal but he has a meal.

But I would say lunch is the hardest. I sometimes get wrapped up in doing something and don't want to stop too long to eat. So grabbing some bread and throwing on some lunchmeat, lettuce and cheese would be great. But I know I shouldn't. Not only is it hard for me to eat (it gets stuck since the opening to my stomach is the size of a dime) but ohhh the calories!!! Granted I am usually more concerned about being able to swallow it more than the calories.

These woman also stated that it gave them a high or a sense of happiness. Well I don't get that from them. I can keep stuffing them in my face without thinking, but I have never gotten a sense of happiness or fulfillment from them. But I am still not sure that I can say that I am not addicted to them in another way. I AM ADDICTED to food! So I suppose this could relate to me but I don't think on the same level.

It's an interesting segment that I really think everyone would benefit from. So if you have the time, take a watch and see what you think....."Are YOU addicted to carbs?"

Day by day

Today is yet another day. I spent yesterday reminiscing about time with Shadow and all the fun and love we shared. Turned the phones, answering machine off and set my cell phone to vibrate. No distractions. If I am to deeply grieve for only a day it needs to be deeply felt and taken seriously. There were times of great sadness and great happy memories. I kept my promise to Shadow and enrolled in college for fall. I am on two waiting lists but at least I took the step forward. I decided not to enroll for summer school at college to give myself some time to get my act together. This means getting back on track with my eating, exercising, emotional state, getting control on cleaning the house, and becoming happy again. Long story short.....getting back to me and taking care of ME! Something that I am very foreign with.

So today I had some emotional outbursts over missing her but was able to push them aside and think of the promise I made to her. I won't wallow in grief, she wouldn't want that. So once again I tried to eat something. Since I didn't feel like cooking, I took the easy way out and ate some cereal. WRONG IDEA!!!! I know better than this! Thankfully, I only ate a small bit about 1/4 of a cup and put it aside. An hour and a half later, decided on some chicken salad. That I am happy to say stayed down.

Part of my process of moving on was to continue with my blog. I was re-inspired after tuning into the movie Julie and Julia. As many of you know both are close to my heart....writing and cooking!!! Ha ha!! I have to admit to all of you that things are sort of shaky with the structure of the BLOG as of yet, but hoping soon to get it back to the fun, quirky, informative, and sometimes bizarre creature that it is. Oh wait....that was my mind I was talking about. :o)

So please bear with me and I hope continue to follow me through a very interesting journey of discovery, change, and just life transforming. I hope you enjoy this and will come back often.

Keeping promises to my baby

RIP Shadow 1/1/1999 - 5/14/2011

Everyone, this is my baby Shadow. Isn't she a sweetheart! She has been my love and my life for the last 12 years now. We were inseparable. Where there was one you would find the other. I even made my hubby's life hell with no vacations for 12 years because I couldn't stand to leave her. The only time that I EVER left her was for my lap band surgery in October of 2008. And that was for two and a half days! I think I was more sick over it than her. She was such a good girl. She could be a pill but I never minded. She would look up at me and I would melt. Yep she had me wrapped around her little toe.

You may be wondering why I am talking in the past tense. Well, it's because my baby is now gone. Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Back in late August of 2010, she was having trouble going potty. Poor thing would squat for what felt like hours sometimes trying to go potty. We took her into the vet to see what was wrong (which she hadn't seen a vet for most of her life). Turns out she had a bladder infection that was really really bad. It was ECOLI of all things. But the vet said it was common just not so high. He gave us some medicine and we took her home.

About a week later she started having trouble with her back legs. It was hard for her to walk. Her back legs were wobbly and she was losing control over them. I took her to the vets office to see what was wrong. They ran some tests, took some x-rays and came up with that she had some swelling in her spine and the nerves were getting pinched. I was given some steroids (Prednazone) for her and she was back to normal in what seemed like hours!!! But a few days later she didn't want to eat. This for Shadow was very strange. My baby was always ready to eat! Back to the vet again. Turns out she was diabetic and her sugars were 527!!! The vet prescribed some animal insulin and we went home. We went through all of this trying to get her sugars down for about a month on the animal insulin. She got cataracts shortly after that and went completely blind. But that didn't seem to stop her. She stumbled her way through the house until she got the hang of it. She then got really bad and really didn't want to eat or drink at all. Back to the vet. The vet looked at us and said if she doesn't get better in a couple of days, I think I would put her down. Broke my heart!!! I sobbed uncontrollably. I held my baby tight and promised that I would fight for her life is she was willing to do the same. That night I went home and cooked her meals. I ground up chicken, vegetables, rice, you name it. If it was healthy and good for a diabetic (me being one as well) then I made it for her. She had gone from 50 pounds down to 32 pounds when we took her into the vet. I searched the web for better foods for her and combinations so she wouldn't get tired of the same old thing. She started eating again and eating good! We took her back to the vet and he was amazed! Since the animal insulin wasn't working the vet decided that it was time to try human insulin. We did human insulin for a couple of months until finally she got her sugars down to 70!!! The vet pulled us aside and asked what are you doing with her? Told him nothing just doing what we have always done. He said I'm amazed, keep it up her sugars had gone from 248 to 70! My baby was doing good!!!

About a month and a half ago, she got another bladder infection. Or it could have been that we never really got rid of the first one. Either way, I wanted her to go back in. We again got the medicine for the ECOLI infection. About a week after that, she got a sore on her gum right where her lower canine is. Me being the ever so worrisome mother....back to the vet. They did blood work and all sorts of things. Silly me, I thought that they were doing the biopsy on the mass on her gum. No turns out the blood work was for it but since the biopsy was another $523 and we didn't say ok (not that we were even asked...we were there for that) We went home $300 later that day waiting for the results of everything. About 3-4 days later, I call about the results of the biopsy. That's when they told us, they never did one that it would cost extra. But the blood work for it was still good for the rest of the month so we wouldn't have to do that again. I was miffed to say the least. By this time, we are rapidly approaching no money. I keep an eye on her mouth to make sure it doesn't get worse.  A couple of weeks after that, she starts loosing control of her back legs again. I take her back into the vet but our normal vet is not there. I see someone different again! The vet runs xrays, tests and keeps her all day with an iv and pain medicine. Again I am away from my baby and it is killing me! The vet calls and says that it's neurological. Well doesn't that mean the brain? I was beside myself. I told her that it had happened before and the vet gave us steroids and she was fine. Well after all was said and done I ended up with the steroids, pain medicine, and a $800 vet bill. But the medicine wasn't working like it did the time before. She kept getting weaker and weaker until Mother's Day (of all days) she has a horrible seizure in the morning. Both Jim and I thought we had lost her. I have never seen anything like what she went through. All I could do was to hold her and tell her its ok...mommy's here. She came out of it and I called the vets office. Damn vet...never told me that a side effect of the pain medicine was seizures. I took her off of them and the vet said if she needs pain medicine they would search for something else. That day she was ok. Spent the day here at home with mom and sister over for a BBQ (the idea was for a stress-free day, never was). But she was feeling better and mom and sister got to spend some time with her (didn't know it would be the last time). 

A couple of days later, I call the vet and ask for some different pain medicine, her legs were getting weaker. It was hard for her to squat and get up and down the steps on the porch, and to the bed (one of her favorite places). That evening Jim and I went to go pick up the new medicine. Right when we got home, I instantly researched it to see what all the side effects and such were with it. When I felt halfway comfortable with giving it to her, she got it that night. But the pain medicine was doing no good and wasn't helping. My baby never complained not once. But I could see that she was getting worse by the day. Thursday the 12th I called Jim and work just crying my eyes out, telling him that I needed the car Saturday that I need to talk to the vet. OUR vet about Shadow. I could see her starting to suffer and I couldn't let it happen. I told Jim that if she's not better on Saturday and the vet says nothing more can be done then I'm going to have to put her down. I can't ever let her suffer. Those next few days were hell on earth!!!! I could see her getting worse by the day but never did she complain. She was by my side every minute of the day no matter what I was doing. It killed me that rather than laying on the couch while I was in the kitchen, she wanted me to bring her bed in the kitchen so she could be with me. I knew she knew the time was getting close. I tried so hard to keep my tears and pain from her. I never wanted her to see me sad or in pain. Ever since I got her she KNEW that her job was to protect mommy. I had to make sure that she knew I was ok. On Friday, I had left her sleeping on the bed and went to take a shower. I left the door open a crack so she could hear where I was. When I opened the shower curtain when I was done, she was standing there beside the tub just waiting for me. She had dragged herself off the bed and stood waiting for me to finish my shower for who knows how long. That's just how strong my baby was. Saturday came and I knew it was time. No matter how much it made me sick, both physically and mentally, I couldn't let her suffer any more. She was so tired. So Saturday I had a special day planned for her and I.

This is what we did: (I wrote this as a note on Facebook and I'm reposting so I don't have to write it all over again, this BLOG is hurting enough now)

Saturday we woke up and got ready to take Jim to work. She was so excited to go for a ride! Her favorite thing!! I gave her the front seat (actually she would allow me to sit there every once and awhile but that seat was hers!) while I sat behind her with my arms wrapped around the front seat petting and keeping her warm. We dropped Jim off and came home to snuggle under the covers for awhile. She snuggled up close to me and started to snore. :o) It was time to head to the vets to talk to him about her. Again she was ready to go and was jolly on the spot at the front door. We headed out as I could see the huge smile on her face as she sniffed at the wind. I asked her to wait for mommy in the car, that I would be right back. I went into the vets stand in line to see the dr., turn around and Shadow had crawled from the passengers side to the drivers side waiting for me. A huge smile came over my face knowing how hard that was for her but she didn't mind....she was out for a ride with her mommy. I talked to the vet and agreed that nothing more could be done. I cried all the way back to the car but didn't want her to see me like that. Not my strong little girl. She didn't need to see her mommy grieve. I let her out to walk around and go potty, oh all the smells at the vets. She could walk around and sniff for hours if you would let her. I got back to the car and helped her back into her seat again, and we headed off. I had brought her insulin and medicine with us and we were off to the park. I could see the smile on her face as we walked through the park. Didn't matter that she was blind and had trouble walking, she was happy. We found a sunny place to sit for just a minute so I could give her the insulin. She wanted nothing to do with the hot dogs that had the medicine, she wanted to walk and sniff some more. So I put them away and we went on. I saw she was getting very tired (and only after about 10 minutes) so I said to her come on baby lets go home. She reluctantly came back to the car but I could tell she was exhausted. I picked her up and we headed home again. Once home we crawled up on the bed....we couldn't forget those hot dogs!!! I gave her the hot dogs and she laid down and wanted me to lay next to her. She kept looking up at me like why are you sitting there....come lay down mommy. We took a little nap and it was time to get ready to go see Jim for lunch. I had made a tri tip the night before and was cutting it up for Jim and Shadow to share. She came into the kitchen and laid on her bed right at my feet waiting for me. And you know that a few slices just happened to get picked off the board and given to her. We got back in the car and again she was ready to go. I stopped off at Del Taco for something for me (even though I knew I couldn't and wouldn't eat with them). Shadow barked at the homeless shuffling by. She didn't care that she couldn't see them....she knew they were there!!! And it was her job to scare them away!! We got to Jim's work and she was so excited. She told Jim that he had to take her out to go potty before they could eat. She could be a bit pushy that way. :o) They came back to eat what she KNEW was her tri tip!!! She sat there just waiting for every bite so patiently. She is such a good girl. We told Jim good bye and it was time to go home and rest. She was getting very tired and so was I. I had kept it together for many days now but as I saw the clock it was getting harder and harder to keep it from her. We got home and her poor legs were so tired that I had to help her up after she had sat to pee. Even now she would let me help her but she still wanted to do it on her own. My tough little baby. We went to the bedroom and laid down. It was hard for her to find a comfortable spot to stay laid down at. Until I offered her my pillow. Of course my princess accepted!!! She was finally comfortable and we were close. I wrapped the blanket around us and we laid there watching tv and dosing on and off. It was then time to go pick up Jim at work and then off to the vets. Even though she was so tired, still she was ready to go! We picked up Jim and I held her in my arms all the way to the vets. She loved that! Didn't have to worry about wobbling or keeping her balance. Mommy had her and she could do whatever she wanted. Still smiling and being happy. We got to the vets.....and all I'm going to say is that I held her in my arms as she peacefully went to sleep. She was calm and comfortable in my arms.

Good bye my sweet baby....go play and have fun now. Mommy will be ok, I promise.

 Going home was the hardest part. Neither Jim or I wanted to walk into the house and not see her wiggling bounding body waiting for us. I couldn't lay on the bed without knowing that she would be climbing up ready to take her half of the bed right out of the middle. Shadow and I always shared my pillow as she snuggle up to the back side of me until I started to sleep then she wanted under the covers. That night I don't think Jim and I slept at all. I kept waking up when she would normally need to go out and go potty. I would reach down to pet her and she wasn't there. I couldn't stay in the house yesterday. But going out in the car (her favorite thing...going for a ride) again made me miss her even more.

I did have some time with her yesterday morning, just her and I. I got up and I could feel her with me by my side as we walked into the kitchen to start Jim's coffee, into the bathroom as I sat to go potty, I could feel her rubbing against my legs wanting her butt scratched. To taking out the garbage while she waited for me at the front door. We sat on the couch and I promised her that mommy would be ok. She doesn't have to protect mommy anymore. I will be strong for her and not be sad for too long. She hated it when I was sad. She would do everything in her power to make me happy. She was the only one. Not even my poor hubby can do that. I felt at ease and knew that I couldn't let her down. I would go  back to school, get my weight off, and most of all be happy again. She knew I would be lost without her to take care of, and I can't have her unhappy for anything. So I will keep my promise to her and keep on with life.

This morning I knew was going to be my test. The days were our time, while Jim was at work. I tried to maintain my regular routine, get up make Jim his breakfast and lunch and get him off to work. Then I tried to stay strong. I went into the bedroom where Shadow and I would lay for another 20 minutes or more depending on her mood. I grabbed her collar and held it tight. Told her I loved her and missed her greatly. Promised again that I wouldn't just lay around today. I would keep busy and do the things that needed to be done. Life continues on even though I'm not here I could hear her say to me. So I got up went in and was getting ready to take my shower when I looked down and Jim had put the toilet seat down. I stated to ball my eyes out. NEVER did we leave the seat down. Shadow wouldn't drink from anywhere else! I lifted the seat and turned on the water. I noticed that I still left the door open for her to come in. Took my shower crying the whole time thinking that she would be standing there waiting for me to finish again. Opened the curtain and she wasn't there. Took a deep breath and started getting ready. Came out to the kitchen opened my laptop with her face on my screen so I could see her and made a sorry excuse for breakfast (1 EggBeater and a sausage). I knew I wouldn't be able to eat any more than that. I turned the screen so I could see it from the front room and spent breakfast with my baby. Talking with her but mostly just staring at her photo. I finished the egg and had to force myself to eat the sausage. The last bit of my breakfast was ALWAYS hers. No matter what it was. And she usually got the largest portion of it! Just as I picked up the sausage, the screen saver came on, almost as if she was saying eat it mommy, I'm not here and you need it. I finally was able to eat it after awhile. I got up and put some clothes on and turned off all of the phones and the answering machine. Called my mom and Jim and told them. I needed time, just some quiet for me to spend saying good bye and getting closure with Shadow. I went out and mowed the lawn, she hated when the lawn was too tall, especially if it was wet. And the lawn was too tall and was going to be very wet soon. So it had to be done. She used to come out and stand at the porch watching me until I came close to the house again and she would come run out for me to give her a kiss and some petting before I went around again. Every time, so she would get at least 10-15 kisses and pets with me mowing the lawn. And in true tough fashion....mowing over her poopies did nothing. The withstood the force of the lawnmower, which made me cry even more. Silly how simple stupid things like that mean so much after the fact. I got it all done and looking nice for her. Came back in the house and the way for me to cope with anything is for me to write. So I thought that writing this BLOG would release some emotion for me, and it has. I have a pile of tissues to prove it. But I know that she will live on in these words and thoughts of mine forever. I know she will always live on in my heart and mind but now I have shared her with you.

Once again I have promised her only a few days of sadness and my time is running out. Today is my last day to mourn no matter how I may want to for longer. The days to come are for celebrating her life and the time we spent together. So I will do my regular house duties and everything that I did with her and cry until I am dry today. For tomorrow I must be strong and keep my promise. She was strong for me, I have to do the same for her.

I love and miss you very much my sweet girl. You were and still are mommy's world. I will see you again and it will be as though we have never parted. You will always hold that special place in my heart baby. You don't have to be strong anymore little one, go and play and have fun. Mommy is ok now. Good bye but never forgotten!! <3

My ramblings

I normally like to title my blogs before I write them to stay focused on what it is I wanted to tell you all. But today, I don't think I am. I feel like rambling a bit today.

A lot of things have happened since my last blog, of what seems ages ago. There have been many ups and of course downs. I have found strength and lost it again for a time being, only to regain it again.  My motivation and purpose are all over the scales once again. The only thing I can say about that, is that no matter what happens, I keep trying again and again. I used to think about that old saying fake it till you make it. I now think that I have played into that for far to long. I have been faking happiness, faking staying on track with my eating and exercise, and worst of all, I have been faking putting me first. Ugh, just re-read that last part and it just hit me hard again. My own self worth still stinks!

In February, I joined a 12 week challenge at my gym for a complete body make over. I even paid $50 to join it. Now I can't afford the trainer, or anything special, I thought that my own competitiveness would push me through. Well I guess my own competitiveness is having a tea party with my will power! I have lost a full month! For what?!?!?! I was wasting money, my life, and any self respect that I may have. I have been told that when the going gets tough, I run. I never thought I really did....but now it's right in front of me. I run and hide. I hide behind excuses that really have no bearing on why I didn't follow through. There is always something that can get in the way, and of course I can always blow things out of proportion especially if it conflicts with something I don't want to do.

So here it is March. I have gone back to the gym once. It felt really good, but I have let my head get in the way again. I have started something new that I have always wanted to do, but it puts me WAY out of my comfort zone. Not only am I a complete beginner at what I have chosen to do but it also puts me in a possition where I am with a large group of people. And these people are thin, feminine, and well self confident. All things I know I lack. But yet again, I wanted to do it so I signed up for it. I am a perfectionist and things normally come easy for me. But this is not and it frustrates me. I do not want to hold the class back. Even though I don't think I do, I feel like I do. I feel like the ugly duckling in it's teen years. In fact I went home from my class early last night crying because I couldn't take my own disappointment. Everything I did seemed wrong. I tried to be strong and keep going but I felt so alone. I have no friends there and I have a really hard time making new friends face to face. I am very shy and feel very cumbersome. Now to let you in on the reality of it all....last night was only my 4th class! My 4th time of doing something that I have never done before, and I am having crying fits because I can't get it. To write it here, I sound so pathetic. I have always prided myself on being a strong woman, but I do believe that somewhere along the line I lost her and that. Either that or I buried her under layers and layers of fat and self loathing.

I was watching "Fried Green Tomatoes" the other day. And I can really relate to Evelyn. I too hide food, am an emotional wreck, searching for things to make me happy, and never quite hitting the mark. There is a part in the movie where she is at a class and they are going to get in touch with that thing that makes them different than anyone. They are going to look at their vagina's. This horrifies Evelyn, as I suppose it would me too. I can not even bare to look at myself in a mirror with clothes on let alone naked!!! It would be nice if everything worked out the way it does in the movies. But gotta have a reality smack once and awhile. And believe me, mine is hitting me right smack in the face.

As the story of my life goes, I am trying once again. I bought some instructional things to help me with my new  endeavor and well practice, practice, practice. I have always been horrific with myself and I really am working on letting up on myself. Once again, baby steps. I have been making baby steps for so long though. You'd think I'd learn to walk by now.

So here is to never giving up completely....

Having a talk with myself....

While working out this morning at the gym, a song came on my MP3 player that just seemed to strike a conversation within myself. Now I know who has time to think about contemplation while you are sweating like a pig and your heart is racing. Well that someone would be me. It came as sort of a surprise to me. I have listened to this song many times before, it is one of my favorites, but it meant something to me this morning. So without keeping you guessing any longer, the song is Bullets by CREED. The lyrics are below.

"Bullets"

Walking around I hear the sounds of the earth seeking relief

I'm trying to find a reason to live

But the mindless clutter my path

Oh these thorns in my side

Oh these thorns in my side

I know I have something free

I have something so alive

I think they shoot cause they want it

I think they shoot cause they want it

I think they shoot cause they want it

I feel forces all around me

Come on raise your head

Those who hide behind the shadows

Live with all that's dead

[Chorus:]

Look at me... look at me

At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head

Through my head

Through my head

Through my head

In my lifetime when I'm disgraced

By jealousy and lies

I laugh aloud 'cause my life

Has gotten inside someone else's mind

Look at me... look at me

At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head

Through my head

Through my head

Through my head

Hey all I want is what's real

Something I touch and can feel

I'll hold it close and never let it go

Said why... why do we live this life

With all this hate inside

I'll give it away 'cause I don't want it no more

Please help me find a place

Somewhere far away

Yes, I'll go and you'll never see me again 

Ok now I know you must be thinking, wow how can that song be related to my weight loss journey. Well I have to admit, my thinking can sometimes be askew to say the least. But please bear with me while I try and explain what this meant to me this morning. 

Walking around I hear the sounds of the earth seeking relief

I'm trying to find a reason to live

But the mindless clutter my path

Oh these thorns in my side

Oh these thorns in my side

I know I have something free

I have something so alive

I think they shoot cause they want it

I was walking on the treadmill this morning when this played. My mindset was that of getting myself back on track and into shape to feel better about me.  

I have been walking around lately searching for something that is missing in my life. Happiness mostly. But not just a surface happiness. A happiness that is deep within myself that flows without thinking. An inner light that can not be put out. I wear a mask of happiness so that no one can see or feel my pain. I don't ever want pity and I don't do well asking for and receiving help. I have many obstacles in my life that I have put there myself. Yes there are a few that were placed in front of me, but it has and will always be my choice to decided whether or not I take them on. I have cluttered my life with useless things that have only brought momentary happiness, but in the end have caused more pain. I know that there is life within me that is crying to be set free. I was not always like this. I was alive and happy, and yes I even liked myself and was proud of myself at one time. Somewhere I lost that, and I couldn't tell you when or were or even how. I just know that I lost it. I have tried to regain what it was that I lost, but seem to keep shooting myself in the foot. I will either sabotage my eating, exercise, focus, or whatever. I don't know why. I think that I want all of these things for myself but when I come to really look at why I do things, it's usually because I am trying to make someone else happy. So why do I push aside my happiness? So then I ask myself.....I think I shoot cause I want it?  No I don't want unhappiness....I want me again...whoever she may be at this point. Because I really don't know.

I feel forces all around me

Come on raise your head

Those who hide behind the shadows

Live with all that's dead

[Chorus:]

Look at me... look at me

At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head

Through my head

I can see all of the magazines that show beautiful women, smart women, successful women, and even mothers. Makes me sad to think that I long for just any of those, even though I am told daily that I am ALL of those. I don't see it. I can't look in a mirror and see anything other than a failure at life. I am almost 40 (not that age matters to me in the least), but all my friends have families, children, careers, beautiful homes, happiness with themselves and their lives. They have at least made something of themselves. I live in the shadows. I hide from everyone and everything. I hide behind my computer, because I know that people see me for what I portray. I am open and honest with everyone, I do not deceive anyone of my size or anything like that. I do deceive of my emotions. I have a tendency to feel dead inside. Like the joys of the world are not for me. That somehow, I am here to lift everyone up and for me just not to feel. I can be so loving and supportive to everyone else but not to myself. And I do it almost knowingly to myself. I am the one that holds that fork to my mouth. I am the one who sits on that couch watching tv. I am the one who hides behind the computer and doesn't get out. But I can not look at myself and see that.  I can not look at myself when I am shooting that bullet through my head!

In my lifetime when I'm disgraced

By jealousy and lies

I laugh aloud 'cause my life

Has gotten inside someone else's mind

I am disgraced at the thought that I am jealous of so many. I so long to have what they have. I secretly think about why do they have that and I don't. Why is someone giving to them and not to me? Am I not worthy? These lies I tell myself and laugh thinking that they got it for some other reason. When in fact they worked just as hard if not harder than me for the things they have. I guess I just don't work hard enough is what I tell myself. I'm just not supposed to have it. I smile and tell people how wonderful it is and how happy I am for them (which I really am) but deep inside I feel black and envious.

Hey all I want is what's real

Something I touch and can feel

I'll hold it close and never let it go

Said why... why do we live this life

With all this hate inside

I'll give it away 'cause I don't want it no more

So with every step I took on that treadmill today, and every time I played this song over and over, I asked myself why do I live this life with all this hate for me inside? I want something that I can touch and feel. I want that image that I so long to have, that everyone else sees in me. I'm going to give it all away 'cause I don't want it no more!!!! I want my happiness, I want to hold it close and I will NEVER let it go!!!

Please help me find a place

Somewhere far away

Yes, I'll go and you'll never see me again

So I looked deep inside me today, and pleaded for my inner strength to show this ugliness someplace far away for it to go. That I never want to see it in me again!! 

Now I know that just this one day, this one song is not going to save my life or change it in an instant. But it does show that I am taking steps toward the right direction to a better more confident, more happy me. I do have a few wonderful people in my life that stand by me and love me through all of my twisted thoughts. And I have a few that are pushing me to make the changes. All I can say, and ask is please don't give up on me when I do. Give me a kick then a hug and yell at me to stand back up again.

I am sorry that you have had to learn this ugly truth about me. But I can not grow if I don't look at myself when I shoot that bullet through my head.

Click (HERE) for the Song "Bullets" by CREED