Thinking too much...

There have been a lot of things going through my mind lately that I wasn't sure I was ready to share.  I probably should have as these are things that I deal with on a daily basis.

I have gone back to the gym.  It feels fantastic.  I feel like I am home.  I am also starting to feel like I belong there.  Slowly I am starting not to wonder what people are thinking of me.  It helps that I keep my headphones on too, but I am finally there for me.  I can't say as if I enjoy what I look like when I am working out but hey, unless you look like Ms. Universe who really does.  And the fact that the weight is coming off really helps too.  I am embarrased to say that it was not totally my doing to get back at the gym, I had a little bit of help.  As many of you may know, I have a terrible self image of myself.  In my minds eye, I don't feel as heavy as I am, until I see myself in a photo, mirror, or window.  I try to wear clothes that don't show how big I really am, which in turn probably makes me look heavier.  But I refuse to wear clothes that fit tight so I can wear a size 28!!!

Anyway, it wasn't until a few guys started to notice me.  Sorry Jim but there is something about when someone who doesn't know you and love you takes a notice of you.  I actually felt like a woman!  I know Jim loves me deeply and I him, but the fact that total strangers were taking notice, felt awesome!!  Not to mention, I don't have a lot of friends, so I stay mostly hidden in my house.  Most of my interface with people is online.  So when these guys started to notice and want to spend time with me, of course that makes me feel even better!!!  But they have become my friends.  I would like to think that they like me for who and what I am, but in the back of my mind, I have this little voice that says, they think you are weak and that they can get into your pants.  Which then leads into my head thinking, why would they ever want to get into my pants...I'm too fat!!!  Well any other girl that might work but for me, it won't.  I am happily married and would never do anything to hurt my husband.  My only fear is that, it's going to hurt me.  I so badly want friends and acceptance that sometimes my judgement is not always the best.  I don't think I would ever do anything out of character, but I have to admit, I can get lost in the game.

All of this has come to mind when one of the guys that I have become friends with, is in England.  I enjoy talking with him and we are able sometimes to chat online, but mostly I call him.  Now here is where my judgement gets fuzzy.  Money is tight with Jim and I.  In fact we are really having some issues with making sure everything gets paid.  So what do I do....I end up calling England almost everyday to talk with my friend.  I knew it was costly, but the sheer excitement was overwhelming.  It was almost addicting.

Well with all of this on my mind along with money issues, family issues, and the regular stressors of being human, I am having trouble keeping my mind on me.  I have to admit, I still have not eaten any of my Lent sacrifices, bread, pasta, rice, and sugar.  But I am flip flopping from eating too much to not eating at all.  I'm not sleeping good and with all of this happening, I can't tell if it's my mind or my training that is draining me.  I so don't want to quit my gym training, and I don't want to go back to living in a hole, but something has to change.  Maybe if I felt better about myself, but I don't know how I'm going to get there.

All of this brings me to my self esteem issues.  Since I am so wanting human interaction, I have a tendency to beat myself up when I don't hear from people every day.  I know that sounds stupid, but for as long as I can remember, I have called my mother everyday to check in.  I guess it has now become a habit, but I sort of feel like I need to do it to everyone else.  I know people are busy, and that I stay at home (and should be busy too) but I have this need to feel wanted and needed.  So when I can't get a hold of someone, or they say that they will call and they don't I start thinking what did I do.  Even though I really know (or at least I think I really know) that I didn't do anything, I can't help but to think that it was my doing.   Then I beat myself up about being too needy or pushy, or just everything.  Usually that starts the eating process.  But lately it's just been making me revert into myself.  I am becoming more needy from my husband and I know this drives him insane.  I don't know what to do.  Why do I have this compulsion to be liked, needed, and wanted.  I do have some childhood issues that could stem from this, but for awhile before I got really heavy, I wasn't this bad.  So why is it now that I am trying to get myself fit and back in shape that it is coming up?  I don't like the fact that I have to have someone constantly telling me what a good job I'm doing, or that I'm pretty, or that I worth it.  But unless I hear that in some form, I turn on myself like there is no tomorrow.  I know it can't be healthy.  But I don't know how to change it.  Not to mention, I don't like bringing up my insecurities with others because I feel like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.  These are issues that I should be able to deal with on my own.  So why can't I.

Well I'm bring myself down with all of this so I think I'm going to stop for now.

Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!!

Well things have been going ok for me the last couple of days.  I have made a new friend, gone on a hike, went back to my weight loss support group, went out with a friend dressed up, and now, I've actually been happy with myself!!!

Wow, what a week!!!  Let's see, the friend I had come over in my last post was Arlind.  I met him while I was out at my mom's house.  Then I met Williams online, actually he found me, when I was out at mom's house and we talk and/or chat daily.  It is so nice to have friends again.  Although both of these guys are just chatting friends, Arlind is trying to find work, and Williams is in England now but lives in LA, they make me feel really good about myself.  There is something about someone else noticing you.  Now my wonderful hubby tells me I'm beautiful and wonderful all the time, but I'm sorry to say, he has been sort of put into the catagory of family.  You know they have to love you and say nice things about you.  Which I don't know how he got put there, but hopefully that will change very soon.  Anyway, on with my story....

Ok, it started last Saturday actually.  After Arlind had left, I was playing online at Facebook.  While I was online, I happened to notice that a friend of mine, Paula, was online too.  I started an online chat with her to see how she was doing.  It turns out that she had gained some weight and needed some intervention.  I was only teasing with her when I told her to get off her butt and we need to go for a hike.  Well, she called my bluff!!!  Oh no, now what do I do?!?!  Think, Tristine, ok when do we want to go?  I perked up with how about tomorrow which was Sunday.  Paula thought that was great!!!  Darn it!!!  She called my bluff again!!!!  Well I was actually happy.  I have hidden myself in the house for far too long.  I ran around the house like a crazy woman...I know not a stretch for me...because I was so happy that I was going out.  Even though, I wasn't sure how well I would be able to hike.  At this point, I haven't been to the gym in MONTHS!!!

Sunday rolls around.  I get up do some laundry, fix breakfast for Jim, and clean house for a little bit.  Can you tell I was procrastinating?  LOL.  Finally around 11am I decided to call Paula.  She hadn't called me, and secretly I really did want to go on that hike.  So I called her to see if she was up for the hike too.  She said she was and the funny thing about it was she was hoping that I wouldn't call too!!!  Even though she wanted to go for the hike, neither one of us really wanted to get off our buns and go!  LOL.  So we decided to meet at noon.  I looked at my watch and noticed that it was only 25 minutes away.  So I jumped into the van and off I went to her house.

When I got there she looked so surprised to see me.  Well turns out she hadn't set her clocks ahead, so to her I was an hour early!!!  LOL.  She got ready and we headed for the American River trail.  We had a blast!!!  We started off on a trail.  Oh by the way, it was Paula, her son Corwin, and myself on this trip.  Anyway, we really wern't paying any attention to where we were going, we were just enjoying the fact that we both were out in the sunshine and walking!!  It was good to catch up with Paula.  I hadn't talked to her in ages.  So as we just wandered around we sort of let Corwin pick which way to go, not paying any attention, and we ended up in the thick of things.  LOL.  We were really trail blazing!!!  We came to heavy brush, and rockbeds, you name it, we walked it. The whole time enjoying ourselves.  We ended up walking for about an hour and a half.  Good times.  When we got back, Paula asked if I would like to do this every Sunday, and if I thought that anyone from our support group would like to go too.  I told her that I was up for it no matter what.  It must have been that fresh air that made me lose my mind!  LOL.

When I got home, I felt so alive!!!  This was the Tristine I've been missing!!!  I couldn't contain myself.  I felt like I could go for hours. I didn't even feel drained at all.  I was so surprised!!!  Jim and I ate lunch, and THEN I died and fell alseep!  LOL.

The next day was sort of a hard day for me.  I was so excited about the day before, and then Arlind was supposed to come over to visit with me Monday.  I was running around cleaning the house, and just enjoying life over all.  Until....yep the shoe dropped and I think fell on my head!!!  It was around noon or so and I still hadn't heard from Arlind.  Now I know he's kind of flaky but he is trying to find work and well, he's a guy.  The other thing that was getting to me was I hadn't heard from Williams all weekend.  I started to feel alone.  My head started to go into that dark place of nothingness again, and the depression really kicked in.  I had been off of my depression medicine for about a week because I just didn't find the time to go pick up my perscription.  Well I should have made time.  The later it got and I didn't hear from anyone, the deeper in darkness I fell.  I was back to crying uncontrollably again.  Later that night we were supposed to meet up with Spencer at DeVeer's for his head shaving and at the time I didn't even want to do that!!!  Which if you know me and know how I feel about Spencer, you would know that this was really deep depression.

Jim came home early and just held me for awhile.  I feel so sorry for Jim when I'm like this.  There is no consoling me.  I want closeness but I want everyone to leave me alone.  It's a wonder he's stayed with me so long.  I am truely greatfull and thankfull for him!!!  Anyway, it was getting late and I had told Spencer that we would absolutly be there!!!  So I started dinner.  I didn't want to eat anything, which in it's self is a wonder.  Usually when I am depressed, I eat for about 20 men!!!  I made some pork steak and broccoli for Jim and I.  Then Spencer called and wanted to know if we would meet him at PF Chang's downtown.  We agreed.  now it's time to get ready.  I had bought a new blouse that I was so excited about.  It was a girly blouse, not a dull old t-shirt!!!!  I felt so good about buying it!!!  So I thought, ok, I need to feel good I'll wear that.  I got all dressed up with my new blouse, black jeans (the skinny ones), and my combat boots.  I even spent time and put on make up and curled my hair.  Now you can see how much Spencer means to me.  He's like a brother to me and I want to feel my best when I am with him, because we always have such a good time together.

By the time I got all dressed up and looked at myself in the mirror, I was feeling much better.  I actually felt pretty and not like a huge blob of whatever.  Of course, Jim told me how beatuiful I looked and I said yeah, yeah, yeah.  LOL.  So off we went.  I took my camera because I wanted to have pictures of Spencer getting his head shaved.  He was raising money for cancer.  His grandmother is battling cancer right now.  So we get at the resturaunt and we are a little bit early.  So I asked Jim if he would take my picture, remember I was feeling pretty.  He took a couple of shots of me and then went to show me the pictures.  I asked him not to because I was feeling good about myself and I didn't want to ruin it!  At least I know my limitations right?!?!  So we finally met up with Spencer and as always, he told me I looked beautiful which makes my heart soar!!!  We met up with his mom and her husband, and one of Spencer's friends Vera.  We all sat around and chatted, shared some appetizers, and had a great time.  When it was time for Spencer to go to check in for his shaving, I had the waiter take our photo.  The first photo he took looked ok but had a glare to it from the window.  The next photo...well....I wasn't happy with it, but it wasn't for me, it was for Spencer.

This is the dreaded photo.  But like I said, it was for Spencer and I would have done it all again no matter how uncomfortable I was.  Anyway I didn't see any of the photos until we got home, so at this point, I am still having a FANTASTIC time!!!  Jim, Spencer, and I all walked over to DeVeer's for Spencer to check in.  I snapped a few photos of him there and then we went inside to have a beer.  Man were they ever crowded!!!  But it didn't seem to bother me much.  We bought Spencer a beer since he bought our appetizer but more because we wanted to.  We stood around waiting for his mom and everyone to arrive.  When they got there we headed out to the front of the bar to watch Spencer lose his hair.  It was a blast and a half!!!  After it was all done, Spencer said goodbye to his mom and friend then came back in the bar to spend time with us.  Low and behold, in walks the Mayor of Sacramento...Kevin Johnson!!!  We had to get a photo of Spencer with him!!!  We weren't sure we would be able to but we were determined to try.  Wahoo!!!  We did it!!  Now I can say that I know someone who has met the Mayor!!!!  Yes, I am going to live vicariously through Spencer at this point.  LOL!!!!

We all started to walk back to our cars.  What a night!!!  I had totally forgotten about how bad I felt and was on cloud nine!!!

Jim and I arrive back home.  I couldn't wait to get the photos up on Facebook for Spencer!!!  In fact I even took a photo of me while at the computer to show how happy I was!!!

This was how I really felt!!  Then the shoe dropped again.  It's a good thing I only have two shoes or I would have been really bad off.  lol.  I saw the photos.  I couldn't believe my eyes!!!  I didn't look like that did I?  I felt prettier than that.  I felt skinnier than that!!!  I felt happier than that!!!  What  happened?  Why is it that I can take a photo of myself at the computer (the above photo) and feel that that is what I look like, but when someone else takes my photo, I feel like I look horendous!!!! 

Well the darkness came back.  Even through all of the joy I had felt before, the darkness won over.  I ended up crying myself to sleep.

The next day I had to take Kelly to her doctor's appointment.  I still was not feeling myself.  I had told mom and Kelly that I wanted to make this a short trip, I wanted to get home.  For a change it actually happened!!!  When I got home, there was an e-mail waiting for me from Williams.  He said that he was sorry for not being able to get in touch with me.  He had a really bad weekend, a friend was in a car accident, and Williams had some trouble getting things in order for his England trip.  Ok so now I feel like a heal but I am super excited that I heard from him.  Not to mention, when I got home and was online, he was online too.  So we got to chat online for two hours!!!  Yes, I said two hours!!!  He gave me his phone number so we can talk to each other while he's there.  That was a new experience to me.  I had never called international before.  In fact Williams had to walk me through how to even dial the number!!  LOL.  The phone number had a + in it that you had to dial.  Anyway, I talked with him on the phone for a minute, then it was time to go pick up Jim at work.

Wednesday morning, I was still feeling really good.  So I decided that I was going back to the gym!!!  I got up at 3:30am and got ready and actually WENT to the gym!!!  Oh it felt so good to be back!!!  I started out slow and only did about 12 minutes on the treadmill.  I had the speed up so it wasn't like I was just strolling, I was really walking!!!  Then I  put in about 20 minutes of strength training.  Oh that is what I miss the most.  I wasn't able to start at the weight that I left off on but I'm still up there with the pounds that I'm lifting!!!  Once again, I felt like I could rule the world!!!

Then it was time for me to go out to mom's house again for her physical therapy.  I again wanted to get home early because I wanted to talk with Williams.  Since he is in England, when it's 12:30 here it's 7pm there!!!  So we don't get to chat much unless it's before I go to the gym or sometime during lunch.  I took mom and Kelly out shopping and to Long John Silvers for lunch.  Which I am finding that eating out is totally pointless for me now!!  I got two pieces of fish and took all the breading off of one piece and ate it.  Then I was done!!!  I couldn't even think about eating anything else.  I was afraid as it was that the piece I ate was going to come back up!!  Anyway, I got them home and I was able to be home in time to chat online.

Thursday, I did absolutely nothing and it felt wonderful.  I didn't do dishes, laundry, nothing!!!  I just lounged around the house with Shadow.  I didn't even go to the gym!!!! But I was still feeling good about myself and at this point, that's all that matters.  I did however make a corned beef for Jim in the oven.  I wanted to be able to eat before we went to the support group meeting that night.  He ate wonderful smelling corned beef and I ate cottage cheese!!!  LOL.  But I didn't want to take a chance that it would get stuck or worse, I know what could be worse....it comes back up and I can't eat until my throat calms down.  So I didn't eat any and didn't have to worry.

Before the meeting, we stopped by to see Liz my sister-in-law.  We visited for awhile and had a nice time.  I am really digging this hanging out with people again!!!  I must say it is quite nice!!!  We stayed for about an hour then we were off to the meeting.  All of my favorite people were there!!  It was so good to connect with them again.  I really missed them all.  Paula brought up going out for our hike and I think we actually got a few takers to go with us!!!  When we left the meeting, I was amped once again.  Made it kind of hard to go to sleep but once I put on my CPAP.....it was all over...Zzzzzzzz

Which brings me to yesterday.  Are you tired of reading yet?!?!  Sorry, no really I am but if you had as much happiness flowing through you as I do right now.....wow I could put the energizer bunny out of business!!!!  LOL.  I once again got up and went to the gym.  Only this time, I was too excited and got there too early!!!  So I had to rock out in the parking lot until they opened.  It was only half an hour so it wasn't that bad.  I hopped on the treadmill again and went for my normal thirty minutes.  I did it with no problem  My heart rate was at a constant 150 bpm and I wasn't breathing too heavy!!!  Yeah!!!!  Then I went downstairs and  put in some more strength training!!!

When I got home, I was tired but to excited too!!!!  I ended up taking a little nap then Jim and I had to go run some errands.  We stopped for lunch and I got the shock of a lifetime!!!  I had ordered a salad and Jim and I were talking waiting for our order, when it hit me.  I was sort of bummed that I had only lost a pound this week, when I thought hey, I am only 5 pounds away from my lowest weight since surgery!!!  Then I got thinking some more and figured out that I am only 17 pounds away from having lost 100 pounds!!!!  OMG!!!!  I couldn't have been happier!!!!  I was flying in the clouds AGAIN!!!!!  When we got home, I had to e-mail everyone I know and post on Myspace and Facebook what just happened.  I was still feeling so good that I told Jim that I would mow the lawn so he wouldn't have to put stress on his knee.  I went flying through that lawn like there was no tomorrow.  It was tall too!!!  Anyway, my day ended just as high as could be.

Now I am waiting for my clothes to dry so I can go off to the gym again!!!  Oh what a wonderful feeling!!!  I think this time, I've got it!!!  I think that this time my head is under control.  By the way, I STILL have NOT eaten any rice, pasta, bread, or sugar!!!!  I think that I'm going to just keep it up even past Easter.  I have sort of lost most of the cravings and I don't want them back!!!  I want to be under 300 pounds by October.  I think I can do it, and if life keeps going the way it is, I KNOW I can do it!!!!

Another great day

Well so far this week has been pretty good.  I was able to paint the bathroom by myself, we haven't eaten out, although part of that is because we are broke, today I had a friend over to the house, and yes I let him IN the house, and finally I have just made plans to go hiking with another friend on the river tomorrow.

Everything seems to be falling into place, and it feels FANTASTIC!!!!  Each day I can feel myself feeling better and better about who and what I am.  I am no longer that lost, hidden, and fat woman, I am becoming that fun loving, get out there, confident woman that was hidden inside that fat me.  I can't even begin to tell you the joy I am feeling right now.  I am beyond cloud nine!!!  I am in.....wait for it....ZANADU!!!!!!

In fact, tonight I am making BLT's and I decided that I was going to have cottage cheese rather than the bacon.  Oh that bacon smelled soooo good though.  But I am not unhappy with the choice I made.  Did I really say that?  Did I just put my feelings before FOOD!?!?!?!?!  Who am I and where is my pod?!?!  LOL

The feelings I have right now, are feelings that I can do anything!!!  Life is mine for the taking.  In fact my very best friend is going to have a couple of babies in October, and I am GOING to make time to go and spend some time with her!!!  I am no longer going to stay cooped up in this house.  I refuse to let my house become my prison.  I am going to defeat my hoarding and have the lifestyle that I want and deserve!!!

Watch out world...I'm coming back!!!!

The painting is done....

Today I finally finished painting the bathroom!  What an acomplishment!!! The best part was that I did it all myself.  I made up my mind that I was going to do it, and I did.  I had a few snags along the way with some eating out of frustration but by the second day that had subsided.

Now that I finished the bathroom, my eyes have been opened to just how insane my reality is.  I want to have people over for Easter for a BBQ, but it took me almost a week to just paint the bathroom.  I would still like to have my friends over, but I'm not sure I can realisticly get the house cleaned to my satisfaction in time.  I am feeling so good about what I've done, I would hate to completely beat myself up by not being able to get the house clean.

This doesn't mean that I am going to abandon my dream of having people over, I just have to face what I can do within the time alloted.  No more sabatoging myself by unrealistic goals.  Little steps.  I will get there, but I want to get there happy not neurotic!!!

So for today...it's a great day!!!  I am feeling on top of the world, and want to hold on to that feeling.  It's funny, it's been the little things lately that have gotten me feeling like my old self.  So I guess the saying, don't sweat the small stuff, really has meaning to it.  I'm not going to sweat the small stuff, I worth more than that.  It feels good to say that and to actually feel that.  Who knows....maybe I will be ok after all!!!

Still painting.....and eating?!?!?!

Okay so the painting of the bathroom is choosing to be more difficult than expected!!!  Who knew that 20 plus years of tobacco and a gas heater would destroy a paint job.  Our bathroom was so bad that when you took a shower or really hot bath the walls would drip this gross yellowish brown stuff.  Yuck!!!  I would wipe it down, but it would always come back.  Sort of reminds me of a bad horror movie.  lol.

So yesterday, I spent the better part of the day priming the walls.  By the end of the day I had almost 3 coats of primer on the walls and some of the walls needed some more.  Now I'm using KILZ primer and it's taking this many coats.  Whew.  While I was killing myself painting, I would get tired and frustrated and found myself heading toward the fridge.  I wouldn't eat the really bad stuff like the chips, candy, and that kind of stuff I would eat other bad stuff like peanuts, and multiple cups of sugar free chocolate pudding.  Oh and for good measure, I would throw in some cheese too.

I am still having a hard time with some solid foods since I sort of quit eating while out at moms house.  So simple things like lunchmeat and cheese sort of give me fits to keep down.  The only good part of the whole day was that I actually drank the right amount of water.  Woo hoo!!!  I downed 4 bottle of water.  Yeah.

So today, I had to take my mom and sister out shopping.  What should have been a short day turned into half a day of shopping.  So there was no painting for me this afternoon.  Then once I got home, I got chatting with a new friend, and still no painting done.  My weekend is going to be fun filled days of painting and putting the bathroom back together again.  No fun for the wicked, and I must be really bad this week.  lol.

I have still not eaten any of my items I gave up for Lent and I am really proud of that.  Now if I can turn my head off from the other eating ideas, I think I will be on my way. 

A few things have happened that have boosted my confidence, so for now, I am feeling really good about myself.  I am going to hold onto that feeling for as long as I can, and hopefully it will stick for good.  I hope so because I feel like the old me again.  Fun, sexy, and intellegent.  All things I should carry with me at all times.

I'm back home!!! Now what....

Mom has been cleared to use her arms again.  So that means that I can stay home (my home) for awhile.  We put back her eye surgery for a couple of reasons.  1)  To let her get some independance back, and 2) she was all broke out on her face and didn't want to mess up the surgery with stuff falling in her eye.

Now that I'm back home, the temptation to eat is back.  I have been doing really good with my Lent commitment of no rice, pasta, bread, or sugar.  It wasn't until I got home, that I was craving sugar again.  I don't know what I would have done a few times if I didn't have my sugar free chocolate pudding!!!  I still have to watch that though, because it turns into wanting more!!!!

So my plan for staying away from eating is I'm fixing up the house.  I am currently repainting the bathroom.  I'm doing it right too.  Spackling all of the holes, sanding down the rough spots, taking down all of the shelves, and curtain rod.  I am hoping to be able to have some friends come over for Easter for a BBQ.  It's a long shot but I have decided that Jim and I, especially I, need to have friends and people around me.  We haven't been able to have people over to our house for 9 years.  We have two friends that have been over but that's it!!!  I am trying to get a handle on my hoarding issues too.  Nothing like taking on the world right?!?!?  If you don't understand that comment, let me just readers digest it for you.  I have given up eating rice, pasta, bread, and sugar until April 4th, I am redoing our bathroom, cleaning out a hoarders house and getting a handle of all of that emotional mess, and I'm trying to have a BBQ by Easter!!!!  Not to mention I still have to move forward with my weight loss.  No stress here.  LOL.  Actually, there isn't any stress so far, it's only day two!!!  I CAN do this though!!!!  If I want it, I WILL MAKE IT so!!!  And I REALLY want this!!

As a start of my renewal of myself, I have done a few things that I haven't done for awhile.  First, I went and got my hair cut the way I really like it.  Sort of mullet style but I don't care I love it!!!  Secondly, I bought myself a new blouse.  It is sort of form fitting and doesn't hang on me like an old t-shirt!!!  I am trying to put me first, well not really, I guess I should say, I am trying to build up my own self worth!!!  Time to get back to the happy go lucky Tristine that was okay with the way she looked and felt.  It's only taken me 15 years to get here but I think I'm going to make it this time.

I was stong enough to watch my mom and sister eat cookies, ice cream, and cake in front of me for a month, I should have no problem with the tasks I've given myself now.

CARPE DIEM!!!!!  I WILL sieze the day!!!!