I know that most of you looked at my cry for help and thought what in the world could I do? Well believe it or not, you all did it just by reading my blog.
Just to give you all a little insight to how my head works. I was in a super low point when I wrote my blog. It was the end of the month, and I felt like I had not accomplished anything. My weight was up, I was feeling guilty about not working out like I should have, and I kept catching myself eating things I would not normally eat (like a bag of white chocolate cooking chips). I was also catching myself buying junk, and eating it while Jim was not home, or wasn't looking. An advantage and disadvantage of not letting Jim in the kitchen while I cook. *wink*. I couldn't take it anymore. I normally don't bother anyone with my issues because I don't do well with others doting all over me. I am more comfortable dealing with things alone. When I have to ask for help, I feel weak and that I didn't have what it takes to get the job done. Now I know to most of you this kind of thinking is stupid. I'm sorry but it is the way I have always dealt with things. It has always been easier to work things out alone than to upset the balance of life. I also have a huge fear of failure. So for me having to ask for help is a failure on my part. There are many reasons why I have developed this kind of thinking and they are deep rooted in my past, but they tend to leak into how I deal with things today.
With that being said, I have to set the record straight that Jim is not the culprit of my eating issues. I know many of you read my blog thinking that Jim was the one that wanted the goodies and things and that I just ate them and didn't tell him about it. That is wrong. Jim very seldom actually wants sweets. I am the one that craves them. Jim wouldn't ask for the stuff, I would buy it because I thought that he should have it should he ever want it. Where deep down, I do realize that I bought it because I wanted it around for me not Jim. I was the one that would go to the store and buy ice cream and buy a flavor that I know Jim would like, but I was the one that got into it at every chance I could. The house really doesn't have that much junk in it except when I buy it. So please, everyone, don't take it out on Jim. Jim is one of my greatest supporters ever. He has stood by me through all of the ups and downs, and let me tell you there have been many!! Jim would never sabotage anything that I do.
Anyway, I didn't expect anyone to do anything for me really. I had just reached a point that I had to let it out. I couldn't take the pressure I was putting on myself. I guess it was also sort of a pity party and venting session. The only thing I can tell you of what I expected was in the movie "Good Will Hunting", there is a part where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon that it's not his fault. If you haven't seen the movie, it's hard to explain. But I think I just needed someone to hold me and let me know that I'll get through this, and to let me let some of my self made pressure go. I expect so much from myself, more so than others ever do.
I have to admit that I read a few e-mails and posts the night I posted my blog, and they brought a tear to my eye. I knew that you all supported me but never realized the impact that my blog would have on many of you. I really felt the love from all of you, love I very seldom give myself. So for that I thank you all so much.
I did wake up the next morning with a bit of panic in my mind. Here is where I have my "stinkin thinkin" as most therapists would call it. I instantly thought, what am I going to do now. I have put out a cry for help, and now I'm going to get it. I am going to have all of my friends and family contacting me to see how I am doing and what they can do to help. Most people would think this as a good thing. Now don't get me wrong I love you all for wanting to do this, but in my head I turn it into that I am not strong enough to be able to lose this weight and change my life. I never want anyone to change their life or lifestyle to accommodate me. This was my idea to make this change, and I have to learn to live with it in the real world. So this is the thought of panic that came over me. I don't want any of you to think that I don't want your help, because that is not true. I just have to learn to change my way of thinking, accepting compliments, and asking and receiving help. Please bear with me, I am getting better, but this is something that isn't going to change over night. So please don't worry about me. Once I got my cry out, I was already picking myself up and starting the change.
I went to the gym on Friday and pushed my hardest with my trainer and it felt wonderful. I didn't eat junk on the 4th and have started to get back on the band wagon. I am feeling much better and that is from all of your love and support. So for this, again, I thank you all, and love you all so much.
