I have two special fur babies that mean the world to me and since they are puppies, Rocky 8 months and Sasha almost 5 months I have a lot of responsibility with both. They are both pitbull puppies and Rocky already weighs in at 60 pounds and Sasha I would say is a good 20-25 pounds. They go through at least 60 pounds of puppy chow a month! Sasha has worms and I want to make sure she gets the most out of the food I'm feeding her so now we need to get her shots from the SPCA so I can take her to the vet to get the worm medicine...now I know I can get the medicine from the pet stores but I am very particular of my babies. I am even having a hard time being ok with letting the SPCA do the shots for Sasha but I can't afford the $200 to have a vet do it and she needs the shots and I won't put her health at risk I need to do what is best for her. Without having you read a whole long account of what has to happen I'm sure a quick run down will give you an idea.
- Shots for Sasha
- Vet visit and worm medicine for Sasha
- New kennel for Sasha (as she has already outgrown her old one)
- New kennel tray for Rocky's as he has chewed his up...yes a hard plastic tray my son has chewed and broke to pieces and any blanket or pillow or bed I put in there he destroys and I can't take the chance of him eating the stuffing or the blankets, and Sasha has a bad habit of eating it if Rocky doesn't
- $100+ for puppy chow for the month
- New collar for Sasha as she has also outgrown her old one and it's getting too tight
I am going through some classes to try and help me put me first...which in my mind seems like a hopeless cause! I have never put myself first! And it is making me look at my emotions and how I deal with them. For those of you who know me...know you will very seldom see any emotion other than happiness and a smile. It is only here that you will catch a glimpse of what I feel. And even here I will not show all of my emotions but that is who I am. Anyway it's been hard for me to look at myself and how I deal with my emotions and the issues I have with my past my present and future. So I have a lot on my mind with that as well.
I also have my sisters Medical and Social Security paperwork that is coming due and the changes with those plans that I need to figure out to make sure that she has the best she can have so her quality of life is enjoyable. My mom's car died as well so my car is the only car between two households, going to the gym for me, taking the hubby to work, weekly dr. appts., running my mom and sister around to their appts. and needs and mom lives a good 30-40 minutes away depending on traffic. So going out to help mom can be an all day affair and I worry about my babies kenneled for so long.
Ok no more about my troubles...but why did I tell you some of them...so you can get a glimpse of walking in my shoes but to understand why I stuff my face. There are times when I feel I have no control over my life and that I am like a piece of wood swirling about in a tornado when I never hit the calm of the eye of the storm, I feel tossed and swirled around with my feet never hitting the ground and being flung out into some vast field miles from where I should be. Then having to pick up the pieces to rebuild. So my post about if you are tired of starting over stop giving up holds a lot of meaning to me. It can be so easy to let the distractions and hardships defeat me and I give up. I just get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I also have the added bonus of when I get stressed and overwhelmed I tend to eat...doesn't matter what it is or even if I want it or not, I just shove food in my mouth. Well since I have had lap band surgery (years ago) I have an issue of when I am stressed I have a hard time eating and keeping food down. Now I know go see my dr. and have the band adjusted...I'm not sure it's my band that is doing it. Because when I'm not stressed I can still eat like a horse if I want to. So my mind over matter holds a lot of weight...yes pun intended...so if my mind is troubled it matters if I eat or not. So I go through this wonderful cycle of eating then throwing up then trying eating again, losing it again until I just say screw it and forget about eating or go for something like ice cream or applesauce or pudding usually something high in sugar that will slide down to comfort my craving for emotional eating. And I don't just stop at a bowl of any of it...I have to eat the whole half gallon of ice cream, jar of applesauce, or bowl of pudding!!! Then of course I feel bad about all the calories I have just eaten and the pounds that have come back on. But do you think it's enough for me to change...well I try...I'm good for awhile but then that tornado of life comes swirling around again and I get lost and have to start over because I have given up. I used to think about the people who live in tornado alley and wonder why build a house have it destroyed then rebuild again and again...how stupid? Well sweetheart....you live in tornado alley in your life...and you keep trying to rebuild again and again. I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Ok so I'm insane...need the whole straight jacket and all...yep that is me...lol
So I knew exactly why I ate cookies, cake pops, junk food today...but that is not what bothers me....I didn't look at what I was doing and try to stop it. That is the key!!! Until I do that I will forever spin in my tornado hell! I can't get down on myself for eating junk today, I have to pull myself up and go ok that day is done, do better tomorrow. Then DO BETTER tomorrow!!! So I'm not giving up this time I have to push through. I know it's not going to be easy nothing worth anything ever is...but I have to really be aware of what I am doing and not just let life run on auto pilot and be numb to everything. I have to allow myself to feel the pain of life's hardships but not suffer with them. I'm stronger than that and I know I can succeed I've done it before, I just need to find that strength again and let that kick ass woman lead the way until the rest of me catches up and fights with her.
So time for some rest to let my mind relax (if that is possible, yes I'm the type where my mind is always going). I have to keep in mind...another day another day to succeed another day to work for what I want out of life. I deserve to be happy and I shouldn't and won't let myself stand in my own way...pushing forward one day at a time!!
