Journey to the center of a fat woman: Nov 30, 2009

Monday, November 30, 2009

I am a hoarder

I am embarrassed to say this, and even more so to show you. But I feel that I have to do this so I might be able to overcome it.

Please do not judge me by this photo. You do not know me and you do not know what brought me to this point. All I ask is that you look and listen to me as I work through this whatever you may want to call it.

I have dealt with this situation for many years. In fact our front room has looked like this the entire 9 years we have lived here. However it did not start here. My problem started many years before that. I am not going to get into how I got to this point, as it is a very personal and touchy topic for me.

I will deal with this from this point on. If you can stand it, I invite you to follow along with me as I battle my demon. I have decided that one of the ways for me to be successful in my weight loss journey is to make my home a place of happiness. I don't want my home to feel like a comfortable prison where food is my reward. I want to be able to have people come to my home without cringing at what they will see. Jim and I have so much to offer, it's time to let everyone see all of us.

This is a photo of our front room of the house. I took this today. I could not bear to show you any of the other rooms, so this one will have to do.

Now I could tell you where everything is if you asked me. But that does not make this right.

I have been cleaning off and on all day today. It has been really hard. When things got too hard I found myself running towards the fridge. I did ok for awhile but the cream cheese and apple butter got the best of me. I know this is wrong and that I shouldn't have eaten it, but by the time I had it half eaten I didn't care. After I ate the toast, I didn't feel guilty like normal, I guess because I was dealing with going through the stuff in the room. I DO feel guilty now that I am writing this all down. How weak could I be.

Jim and I have decided not to decorate for Christmas this year, and we're not giving out any gifts either. We are trying to get a handle on our financial situation and we thought that this was the best way to go. So I thought that by cleaning the front room it would make me feel better. So far it hasn't. But the room isn't clean yet either.

I have only been able to get a little done today. I even kept the television off for most the day so I wouldn't have anything to distract me. I will keep trying. I really want at least the front of the house clean by Christmas. Not so much for other people's sake but for my own and my families. I will post photos on my progress.

Thanks for listening today.

How this whole thing got started....

I have been heavy almost all my life. My primary doctor kept telling me that I would be a great candidate for bariatric surgery. I really didn't want to do it. The thought of someone rearranging my innards was not ok to me. So I put off the idea for a good 5 years. Well it wasn't until one Halloween night and an innocent little girl changed my mind.

It was Halloween 2007. I had decorated the front porch and my mom and I were going to hand out candy to all of the trick or treaters. I had a few animatronic things going and the kids were loving the fact that they could come up and get close to everything. Towards the end of the evening a very cute little girl came up to the porch. She put her candy sack down and started staring at everything moving. She was just totally enthralled by it all. Then she looks at me and asks me, "did you get that fat by eating candy?" I smiled and told her yes I did. She went back to watching everything again. Then out of the blue she tells me that I'm going to break the chair I'm sitting in. Again smiling, I tell her it's ok, it's a good strong chair. By this time I thought the little girl was never going to leave. She finally got her candy and left with her grandpa who kept appologizing to my husband for her. It was ok, she was a kid and I don't mind that kids speak what they see. It kind of stung a little bit but it's not like I didn't know I was fat!!! But it wasn't until I put the photos my hubby took of that night on my computer. I saw what the little girl saw. OMG (Oh my gosh)!!!! No wonder she thought I was going to break my chair. I was almost in tears. It was the next business day that I called my doctor and asked for a referral for surgery.