"Bullets"
Walking around I hear the sounds of the earth seeking relief
I'm trying to find a reason to live
But the mindless clutter my path
Oh these thorns in my side
Oh these thorns in my side
I know I have something free
I have something so alive
I think they shoot cause they want it
I think they shoot cause they want it
I think they shoot cause they want it
I feel forces all around me
Come on raise your head
Those who hide behind the shadows
Live with all that's dead
[Chorus:]
Look at me... look at me
At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head
Through my head
Through my head
Through my head
In my lifetime when I'm disgraced
By jealousy and lies
I laugh aloud 'cause my life
Has gotten inside someone else's mind
Look at me... look at me
At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head
Through my head
Through my head
Through my head
Hey all I want is what's real
Something I touch and can feel
I'll hold it close and never let it go
Said why... why do we live this life
With all this hate inside
I'll give it away 'cause I don't want it no more
Please help me find a place
Somewhere far away
Yes, I'll go and you'll never see me again
Ok now I know you must be thinking, wow how can that song be related to my weight loss journey. Well I have to admit, my thinking can sometimes be askew to say the least. But please bear with me while I try and explain what this meant to me this morning.
Walking around I hear the sounds of the earth seeking relief
I'm trying to find a reason to live
But the mindless clutter my path
Oh these thorns in my side
Oh these thorns in my side
I know I have something free
I have something so alive
I think they shoot cause they want it
I was walking on the treadmill this morning when this played. My mindset was that of getting myself back on track and into shape to feel better about me.
I have been walking around lately searching for something that is missing in my life. Happiness mostly. But not just a surface happiness. A happiness that is deep within myself that flows without thinking. An inner light that can not be put out. I wear a mask of happiness so that no one can see or feel my pain. I don't ever want pity and I don't do well asking for and receiving help. I have many obstacles in my life that I have put there myself. Yes there are a few that were placed in front of me, but it has and will always be my choice to decided whether or not I take them on. I have cluttered my life with useless things that have only brought momentary happiness, but in the end have caused more pain. I know that there is life within me that is crying to be set free. I was not always like this. I was alive and happy, and yes I even liked myself and was proud of myself at one time. Somewhere I lost that, and I couldn't tell you when or were or even how. I just know that I lost it. I have tried to regain what it was that I lost, but seem to keep shooting myself in the foot. I will either sabotage my eating, exercise, focus, or whatever. I don't know why. I think that I want all of these things for myself but when I come to really look at why I do things, it's usually because I am trying to make someone else happy. So why do I push aside my happiness? So then I ask myself.....I think I shoot cause I want it? No I don't want unhappiness....I want me again...whoever she may be at this point. Because I really don't know.
I feel forces all around me
Come on raise your head
Those who hide behind the shadows
Live with all that's dead
[Chorus:]
Look at me... look at me
At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head
Through my head
I can see all of the magazines that show beautiful women, smart women, successful women, and even mothers. Makes me sad to think that I long for just any of those, even though I am told daily that I am ALL of those. I don't see it. I can't look in a mirror and see anything other than a failure at life. I am almost 40 (not that age matters to me in the least), but all my friends have families, children, careers, beautiful homes, happiness with themselves and their lives. They have at least made something of themselves. I live in the shadows. I hide from everyone and everything. I hide behind my computer, because I know that people see me for what I portray. I am open and honest with everyone, I do not deceive anyone of my size or anything like that. I do deceive of my emotions. I have a tendency to feel dead inside. Like the joys of the world are not for me. That somehow, I am here to lift everyone up and for me just not to feel. I can be so loving and supportive to everyone else but not to myself. And I do it almost knowingly to myself. I am the one that holds that fork to my mouth. I am the one who sits on that couch watching tv. I am the one who hides behind the computer and doesn't get out. But I can not look at myself and see that. I can not look at myself when I am shooting that bullet through my head!
In my lifetime when I'm disgraced
By jealousy and lies
I laugh aloud 'cause my life
Has gotten inside someone else's mind
I am disgraced at the thought that I am jealous of so many. I so long to have what they have. I secretly think about why do they have that and I don't. Why is someone giving to them and not to me? Am I not worthy? These lies I tell myself and laugh thinking that they got it for some other reason. When in fact they worked just as hard if not harder than me for the things they have. I guess I just don't work hard enough is what I tell myself. I'm just not supposed to have it. I smile and tell people how wonderful it is and how happy I am for them (which I really am) but deep inside I feel black and envious.
Hey all I want is what's real
Something I touch and can feel
I'll hold it close and never let it go
Said why... why do we live this life
With all this hate inside
I'll give it away 'cause I don't want it no more
So with every step I took on that treadmill today, and every time I played this song over and over, I asked myself why do I live this life with all this hate for me inside? I want something that I can touch and feel. I want that image that I so long to have, that everyone else sees in me. I'm going to give it all away 'cause I don't want it no more!!!! I want my happiness, I want to hold it close and I will NEVER let it go!!!
Please help me find a place
Somewhere far away
Yes, I'll go and you'll never see me again
So I looked deep inside me today, and pleaded for my inner strength to show this ugliness someplace far away for it to go. That I never want to see it in me again!!
Now I know that just this one day, this one song is not going to save my life or change it in an instant. But it does show that I am taking steps toward the right direction to a better more confident, more happy me. I do have a few wonderful people in my life that stand by me and love me through all of my twisted thoughts. And I have a few that are pushing me to make the changes. All I can say, and ask is please don't give up on me when I do. Give me a kick then a hug and yell at me to stand back up again.
I am sorry that you have had to learn this ugly truth about me. But I can not grow if I don't look at myself when I shoot that bullet through my head.
