Well I took a week off from the gym not on purpose, I just didn't feel like going. That happens sometimes. I think I push so hard that my old fat thoughts rebel against me and send out bad chemicals to my brain that makes me lazy...lol. No I just need some time away sometimes. With everything that goes on in my life, sometimes I just need to hide away.
I haven't been on the computer as much but when I am watch out. I have found some fantastic friends and I love them soo!!! You all know who you are...Holly, Lori, and Valora!!! I have found my new partners in crime. I can't tell you how happy they have made me feel these last few weeks!!! In fact we had all planned a night out on the town....watch out town!!! But before I get ahead of myself, I should start at the beginning.
Here are my partners in crime!!! Left to Right...Valora, Holly, Lori, and yep it's me!!! This was taken the evening of our first Thursday night walk. We all met up at Holly's house and then we walked around her block. It was fun...I felt bad that Lori and I ended up walking ahead of Holly and Valora but we'll have to walk behind them and push next time!!! LOL
These ladies have made me feel like myself again!!! I can be myself and not have to worry about it. I know that they don't see my size, they see me and I can't tell you just how good that makes me feel. I could weigh a thousand pounds and still feel good about myself with them. I know that they are my true friends, and I'm going to keep them forever.....if they will let me...lol.
So after a super high of being with friends I was feeling pretty good about myself. My very best friend, Wendy was coming down from Oregon for a visit and a funeral, and we were going to meet up on Memorial Day weekend for a couple of hours. Wendy is another one of those special people in my life that I would do anything for. She is my true soul mate....I think we were separated at birth!!! Anyway, I had some other friends that wanted some updated photos of me...Ugh!!!! I hate, no let me stress.....I HATE my photo taken!!! But I though what the heck, I've lost some weight and I'm feeling good about myself, why not. They had seen the dresses that I bought for the job fair on my so I thought that I would put on one of my dresses that "used" to fit!!! I felt fantastic!!!! It was HUGE on me!!! I mean 2 sizes too big!!!! Woo hoo!!!! I had to pin the back of it to help keep it on and it was still to big. Here is the picture below. By the way it took me two hours to figure out how to set the timer on my camera to take this photo!!!! LOL Don't you just love technology!!!!
Here is the dreaded photo!!! LOL. And yes, I had Shadow ther for support!!! No one loves me more than my baby Shadow!!!!
Well I posted the two above photos to my Facebook page, and I got the shock of my life!!! One of my new friends on Facebook, a younger kid from out of the country, told me that I had to remove those photos right away!!! And was very adamant about it. His postings were the first postings on my photos. I thought, what the heck....I asked him what is it about them that you don't like? I know I didn't do my hair and make-up but I didn't look like Helga the witch!!!! He said all of them!!! They are terrible!!!! Remove them please!!! Well after feeling really good about myself and then with being hit with those kinds of comments...I started to shut down. I started to cry. I wrote back to him and told him that I was sorry that he felt that way about me. I reminded him that I told him I was a big girl and I even told him how much I really weighed. I had to get off of Facebook after that. I told him that I would talk to him later....that I had to go. I went to my profile page and posted that I was logging off for awhile that I needed to find some self worth. I then logged off. Almost as soon as I logged off I headed for the food. I didn't care what it was, what it tasted like....I just wanted something in my face. I tried to fight it but the more I fought it the more I cried and beat myself up. I kept telling myself, see you should have worked harder, you don't really want to be thin do you....why would you ever have your photo taken anyway...who wants to see that. The more I talked to myself the more I cried, the more I stuffed my face. I was totally out of control!!! It was like my panic button was hit and broken off!!! I couldn't stop and after awhile....I didn't care. I had lost myself in just one tiny comment from someone I have never even met!!! What is wrong with me? This had all happened before noon. When Jim called me at his lunch time, I was still crying and eating. I could barely talk.
I eventually logged back into Facebook but I was not going anywhere near his page or his messages. He kept e-mailing me that he was so sorry and for me to forgive him that he didn't mean it, that I misunderstood him. Well by the time I had logged back in my other friends had posted how great I had looked and were concerned with what was wrong with me. Why was I so down. It's not like me to show my pain publicly. And here it was out there in the open for everyone to see. I was hurt!!! I started to regain some of my strength back from the positive comments from my friends but I was still hurt. I was useless the rest of the day and the evening. There was nothing that was going to make me snap out of it. It's been a long time since I was that low!!! My head was even over powering my depression meds. I didn't talk to him until the next day, and even then I was hesitant. But I figured that I had fallen off my horse and I needed to get back on!!!
I explained to him how much he really hurt me. I don't think I have ever confronted someone with how I felt. That was a new experience for me. It felt good and bad all at the same time. It felt good that I was able to let him know that I was upset and that he had done it to me, but at the same time, it still hurt that something like this upset me....I am stronger than this. Or at least I like to lie to myself and tell myself I am. We have since worked things out and understand each other now and we are good friends once again. But the whole incident was a little unnerving for me. I can see that I have not totally fought off my demons in my head. I thought that I was not completely over my issues but at least had a better handle on them. I guess it's still one day at a time. But I have gained some new confidence and that is good!!!
A couple of days after that, Wendy had come into town. I wanted to look my best. I went out and bought a new pair of shoes...I was looking for some cute sandals but ended up with some platform heels....lol. You can take the girl out of the shoe store but you can't keep her from buying the sexy shoes!!!! LOL Talk about feeling like a million bucks!!! Jim thought I looked hot and I felt hot and not just sweaty either!!! LOL
This is Wendy and myself. Two peas in a pod!!! Did I mention that we are joined at the hips...lol
This is Abigail, the baby...not anymore!!! Wow she is already 4 almost 5!!! Where did the time go?
And of course the three of us. The other kids couldn't come on this trip, so I guess Jim and I are just going to have to take a trip to see them....hint hint....honey.....
Anyway after we spent a couple of hours with Wendy and her family, it was time for us to meet up with Spencer at the Fox and Goose bar. We all ordered something, Jim had English sausage sandwich, Spencer had a really good looking hamburger, and I got the most amazing fish and chips!!! The guys had a few beers, and we sat and chatted for another couple of hours. The band that was playing was ok but the next band was so much fun. I had the greatest time!!! Catching up with Spencer, who is more like family than a friend is always a bright spot in my life!!! We left tired but I was still full of the most tremendous energy and happiness that it is almost impossible to explain. I felt 100 feet tall and it wasn't just because I was wearing heels!!! LOL!!!
The next day we had to go out to my brother-in-laws to pick up mom's car. Yeah it's finally fixed so she can drive it!!! Well ok she can go to the store or other places that are close. I don't really want her driving until after her other eye surgery. But it is a load off my shoulders knowing that she at least has wheels that if she needs something that's close, she doesn't have to wait for me to get the time to go. It will take a lot of pressure off of us both. At least for now. LOL.
We dropped mom's car off and headed home. I went to bed the night before at 1am and woke up at 2am!!! I know I'm insane!!! So Jim and I needed some much needed rest. I tried to sleep but it was hard because that night we were meeting some friends for dinner then out for drinks, dancing, and singing!!!!! Yep I said singing!!! LOL
That night I got all dressed up again...heels and mak-up!!!! I was going to make my hubby proud!!! I was going to show him that his wife is feeling good and looking good too!!! I was even going to let myself have a few drinks!!! We met Lori, Norm, Valora, and Kevin at Kool Hand Lukes for dinner!!! Oh man the food was good, but the company was sooo much better!!! I was having the time of my life!!! I don't think I have laughed so much in a long time. LOL.
We finally met up with Holly and Ron at Referee's bar. The band was too loud...now you know I'm old!!!! LOL!!!! We all sat and chatted tasted each others drinks, and had a blast!!! Us girls ended up playing some darts...not well but it was fun.. We didn't have a clue what we were doing but it was fun. The husbands were having fun watching us women be dorks...but it wall all good!!! I didn't want the night to end, but I knew it had too. Jim and I once again got in around 1am. I again was up around 2am. But I didn't care!!! I have found my happiness!!! I can hold these times close in my heart and over come anything. I know I can....I have it in me...now that I have seen it, it is much easier to go back to those feelings. So watch out world...I am fighting my demons one at a time...but I will win this fight!!!
With the love an support from all of my friends....I can overcome anything!!! I want to thank all of you for that!!! You have given me a gift that I can never say thank you enough for!!! You have given me back my life!!
