Having a talk with myself....

While working out this morning at the gym, a song came on my MP3 player that just seemed to strike a conversation within myself. Now I know who has time to think about contemplation while you are sweating like a pig and your heart is racing. Well that someone would be me. It came as sort of a surprise to me. I have listened to this song many times before, it is one of my favorites, but it meant something to me this morning. So without keeping you guessing any longer, the song is Bullets by CREED. The lyrics are below.

"Bullets"

Walking around I hear the sounds of the earth seeking relief

I'm trying to find a reason to live

But the mindless clutter my path

Oh these thorns in my side

Oh these thorns in my side

I know I have something free

I have something so alive

I think they shoot cause they want it

I think they shoot cause they want it

I think they shoot cause they want it

I feel forces all around me

Come on raise your head

Those who hide behind the shadows

Live with all that's dead

[Chorus:]

Look at me... look at me

At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head

Through my head

Through my head

Through my head

In my lifetime when I'm disgraced

By jealousy and lies

I laugh aloud 'cause my life

Has gotten inside someone else's mind

Look at me... look at me

At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head

Through my head

Through my head

Through my head

Hey all I want is what's real

Something I touch and can feel

I'll hold it close and never let it go

Said why... why do we live this life

With all this hate inside

I'll give it away 'cause I don't want it no more

Please help me find a place

Somewhere far away

Yes, I'll go and you'll never see me again 

Ok now I know you must be thinking, wow how can that song be related to my weight loss journey. Well I have to admit, my thinking can sometimes be askew to say the least. But please bear with me while I try and explain what this meant to me this morning. 

Walking around I hear the sounds of the earth seeking relief

I'm trying to find a reason to live

But the mindless clutter my path

Oh these thorns in my side

Oh these thorns in my side

I know I have something free

I have something so alive

I think they shoot cause they want it

I was walking on the treadmill this morning when this played. My mindset was that of getting myself back on track and into shape to feel better about me.  

I have been walking around lately searching for something that is missing in my life. Happiness mostly. But not just a surface happiness. A happiness that is deep within myself that flows without thinking. An inner light that can not be put out. I wear a mask of happiness so that no one can see or feel my pain. I don't ever want pity and I don't do well asking for and receiving help. I have many obstacles in my life that I have put there myself. Yes there are a few that were placed in front of me, but it has and will always be my choice to decided whether or not I take them on. I have cluttered my life with useless things that have only brought momentary happiness, but in the end have caused more pain. I know that there is life within me that is crying to be set free. I was not always like this. I was alive and happy, and yes I even liked myself and was proud of myself at one time. Somewhere I lost that, and I couldn't tell you when or were or even how. I just know that I lost it. I have tried to regain what it was that I lost, but seem to keep shooting myself in the foot. I will either sabotage my eating, exercise, focus, or whatever. I don't know why. I think that I want all of these things for myself but when I come to really look at why I do things, it's usually because I am trying to make someone else happy. So why do I push aside my happiness? So then I ask myself.....I think I shoot cause I want it?  No I don't want unhappiness....I want me again...whoever she may be at this point. Because I really don't know.

I feel forces all around me

Come on raise your head

Those who hide behind the shadows

Live with all that's dead

[Chorus:]

Look at me... look at me

At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head

Through my head

I can see all of the magazines that show beautiful women, smart women, successful women, and even mothers. Makes me sad to think that I long for just any of those, even though I am told daily that I am ALL of those. I don't see it. I can't look in a mirror and see anything other than a failure at life. I am almost 40 (not that age matters to me in the least), but all my friends have families, children, careers, beautiful homes, happiness with themselves and their lives. They have at least made something of themselves. I live in the shadows. I hide from everyone and everything. I hide behind my computer, because I know that people see me for what I portray. I am open and honest with everyone, I do not deceive anyone of my size or anything like that. I do deceive of my emotions. I have a tendency to feel dead inside. Like the joys of the world are not for me. That somehow, I am here to lift everyone up and for me just not to feel. I can be so loving and supportive to everyone else but not to myself. And I do it almost knowingly to myself. I am the one that holds that fork to my mouth. I am the one who sits on that couch watching tv. I am the one who hides behind the computer and doesn't get out. But I can not look at myself and see that.  I can not look at myself when I am shooting that bullet through my head!

In my lifetime when I'm disgraced

By jealousy and lies

I laugh aloud 'cause my life

Has gotten inside someone else's mind

I am disgraced at the thought that I am jealous of so many. I so long to have what they have. I secretly think about why do they have that and I don't. Why is someone giving to them and not to me? Am I not worthy? These lies I tell myself and laugh thinking that they got it for some other reason. When in fact they worked just as hard if not harder than me for the things they have. I guess I just don't work hard enough is what I tell myself. I'm just not supposed to have it. I smile and tell people how wonderful it is and how happy I am for them (which I really am) but deep inside I feel black and envious.

Hey all I want is what's real

Something I touch and can feel

I'll hold it close and never let it go

Said why... why do we live this life

With all this hate inside

I'll give it away 'cause I don't want it no more

So with every step I took on that treadmill today, and every time I played this song over and over, I asked myself why do I live this life with all this hate for me inside? I want something that I can touch and feel. I want that image that I so long to have, that everyone else sees in me. I'm going to give it all away 'cause I don't want it no more!!!! I want my happiness, I want to hold it close and I will NEVER let it go!!!

Please help me find a place

Somewhere far away

Yes, I'll go and you'll never see me again

So I looked deep inside me today, and pleaded for my inner strength to show this ugliness someplace far away for it to go. That I never want to see it in me again!! 

Now I know that just this one day, this one song is not going to save my life or change it in an instant. But it does show that I am taking steps toward the right direction to a better more confident, more happy me. I do have a few wonderful people in my life that stand by me and love me through all of my twisted thoughts. And I have a few that are pushing me to make the changes. All I can say, and ask is please don't give up on me when I do. Give me a kick then a hug and yell at me to stand back up again.

I am sorry that you have had to learn this ugly truth about me. But I can not grow if I don't look at myself when I shoot that bullet through my head.

Click (HERE) for the Song "Bullets" by CREED

Distorted image....

Now if you have ever had image issues, you will know that how I see myself is far from what I look like. But there is no way that you can tell my head that. I try but I'm like a child with ADD, I just look at something else that is shiny. Well I have been having a rough week. Hence the no posting because I couldn't explain how or why I was feeling that way. I know, me who has nothing to say. I finally found some way of letting it loose on Facebook last night. It is much easier for me to share my feelings as fiction writing rather than to let everyone know that I am hurting. Those that read it can just enjoy my writing without worrying about me. There are those that know me much better and can see the signs on the wall, but they also know that it is something that I have to work out myself. I have a hard time asking for help, unless I am really drowning, and then sometimes it can be too late.

I have an image of myself as a strong woman that can take on the world without even so much as breaking a nail. Of course I am a size 24 at the largest, and have a heart and will that can move mountains. When in fact, I am just as insecure and scared as a child. I can play the part, but is that all I can do is to play the part? I used to be so self assured and held my head up high and was closer to what I picture myself as. Where did I lose that? And why did I lose it? Well after a week of thinking and things triggering my self destructive thoughts, such as clothes catalogs, infomercials of thin people who have lost 25 pounds and are amazed, etc. I kept coming to that deep dark side in me that hates myself. This is what was posted last night on Facebook.

She has been here before. Something keeps drawing her to this very place. Her stomach churns with the thought of the image that is before her. It isn't her, it can't be her. That image that smirks and looks down upon her, how can it judge her? But it does. This image of hatred that peers so deeply into her soul. Without hesitation, she pierces the image with the knife. The mirror does not break but the image bleeds. She feels empowered, but faint at the same time. Until she sees her own wrists. The image was her, how could she not have seen it....

Now if you are to talk to my mother, you would think that I should be on suicide watch. Thankfully I am not. I am much stronger than that. Or maybe I should say that I can not bear to put those that love me through that. I may not care much about my life at times but I do care about those that I would leave. It would make me sick to know that they were suffering at the stupidity of my own hand.


However you see this, weather you see me as just an emotional prima donna or as a torchered soul, it makes no difference to me. I feel what I feel no how twisted it may be at times. And until I can break free from these ideas of myself I am afraid that I will be doomed to repeat history so to speak. Which I can see happening now. All of the weight that I had lost before and since surgery two (yes I said TWO) years ago, which was a mere 60-80 pounds give or take the month, has been creeping back on. If I don't stop this spiral of negativity I will get lost and not sure that I will be able to return from there. 


I keep trying though. 

Quotes that got me through my day

I sometimes have days that are either so emotional or stressful that I find myself retreating into myself. For me, that is the worst thing I can do. I have always taken my feelings inward and suppressed them deep down within me, so that no one will ever see me unhappy or hurt. But I have learned that this eats away at me until I am the one that suffers from it. It hurts no one but me in the long run. I still keep feelings to myself but instead of swallowing them I turn to my quotes as a way of release and inspiration.

Yesterday was no different. I found myself closing up again and hiding which is the first sign that I need release. I turned to my quotes again, and found that I was not the only one that needed them yesterday. I always love it when I can touch someone through my feelings and just being me.

I have to thank a few wonderfully special people that always make my days wonderful, and you know who you are. My life has changed tremendously since you have come into it. I am truly honored.

With that being said, here are the quotes from yesterday. I will not comment on them but leave them for you to feel how you must with them.

While we are focusing on fear, worry, or hate, it is not possible for us to be experiencing happiness, enthusiasm or love. -Bo Bennett

Even if it is to be, what end do you serve by running to distress? -Seneca (Seneca the Elder)

Dreaming is wonderful, goal setting is crucial, but action is supreme. To make something great happen you must get busy and make it happen. Take that action step today that will put you on your path to achievement. -Greg Werner

Pushing my comfort zone

Last night we were invited to a friends house to celebrate her daughters birthdays. Now that in itself is nothing that I would worry about. But the fact that there were going to be a mess of people there that I have never met does. Now if you have read my blog for any length of time or even know me personally, you know that I live in shorts and t-shirts. I have no middle ground clothing. It's either dress up or dressed down. So when I asked my friend what she is wearing, she replied casual, jeans and a sweater. Well that is not casual for me and I know that the crowd that is going to be there is not going to show up in a baggy t-shirt and jeans. Since last year was not a good year for my weight loss track, I have put on some of the weight that I had lost. So you know I don't like how ANYTHING fits!!!! While going about my day, I took a long hard look at myself in my minds eye. Now I don't wear anything that shows my stomach in any way shape or form, that's why the baggy t-shirts. But the thought of looking dumpy or worrying myself sick so I wouldn't want to go, was going to be out of the question. I decided, ok I'm fat, there is nothing that can be done about that in the next 5 hours. I am going to look nice even if I am a bit uncomfortable showing my curves. (Which to me feel like mountains). So I put on a tighter fitting blouse, nice necklace, did my make-up and hair, and walked out the door.

The only one that was even remotely concerned about what I looked like was me. I can't say that I was comfortable enough to enjoy my photo taken, but I didn't run hiding from the camera either. Thankfully no one has posted any photos on Facebook yet though. LOL. I was able to enjoy the evening with friends. And even though I was not bold enough to actually get to know anyone there (yeah I kind of stayed with the friends I knew), I am one step closer to accepting who I am and that what I look like only really matters to me. Well at least the only one that worries what I look like is me.

So I will continue with working out at the gym and pushing myself forward. Just another baby step in this long journey to the center of a fat woman. But I know I am going to love the center once I get there and hopefully before that! Thank you for following my journey and I hope I have touched you in some way.

New Year, new thoughts

First of all, Happy New Year everyone!!! I have decided that rather than doing the same old thing with resolutions that I always break, I am not going to make any. Instead I am just changing my life. I know that some things are going to come easier than others, and some things I will have to fight for. But I no longer want to be tied down to "I have to do this". Life is a conscious decision. You either make it what you want it to be or you don't. I have been putting off what I have wanted to do for so long. I want a life without regrets. I want a life without regrets and resentment!!!