Groundhog Day!!

Last night I went to a BBQ at a friends house for Memorial day. A few days before I had made up my mind to go back to 2 protein shakes a day and a healthy meal for the third. By doing this I am allowing my mind to take a bit of a rest to recharge and refocus. Being at home all alone is my worst enemy. Since Shadow passed I no longer have someone to look after and take care of. So I promised her that I would look after and take care of myself. Which I want you to know seems harder than trying to get blood out of a turnip!

Now what does all of that have to do with going to a BBQ? Well let me try and explain. I have recently been trying to get some clothes that look more femine and fit better than the 5X men's T-Shirts I've been wearing for the last 5 years. Yes I said 5 years!!! If you look back at any photo ever taken of me (that is if you can ever find any, I run from the camera quicker than flash lightning) I am always in shorts/jeans and a huge baggy T-Shirt. Now finding clothes to fit me like I like them to seems also next to impossible. I am 6 feet tall with a long torso and long legs. I do have a belly skirt that is the dark spot of my existence. So since I don't like my belly skirt to show I prefer longer shirts than what most stores consider long. Even in the tall section or the tunic section the shirts are usually 30 inches long. Well ladies and gentleman, 30 inches hits me right in the middle of my belly skirt. There is no covering up that baby with that length. I gathered my wits and told myself, you can do it. As long as you look nice and you are confident, you can do it. So I bought the clothing. Let me tell you now....I must not have my wits about me....because I am still very very very self conscious about it. But I keep trying. Hence coming back to the BBQ. I had bought a mauve (and no it's not PINK, blech) tank top that had a hanky hem to it so the corners are a bit longer than the main length. I also bought some new stretch denim shorts to go with it. Since I have more fit legs I buy the shorts to fit my legs and be a bit tighter on my tummy since it's usually covered anyway.

So here is how I went to the BBQ. And no you can not have a larger photo to look at. *Cringing* Ok so first glance and head on, I don't look so bad right? Even with the camera adding 10 pounds....Well if any of you really know me, you know that I am soooo unhappy with how I look. It doesn't matter if you tell me I look amazing, my head is going to say "What!! you need brain surgery!!" But my friends are more important than being a bit uncomfortable....especially because I know they love me and could care less....that and we were all going to be heavily drinking...lol.

As I knew I would, I had a fantastic time! We laughed all night and it was as soon as I walked in the door my insecurities were greatly diminished. As usual, I am the photographer of the evening. It's actually a smart tactic for me. If I have the camera....then there are no photos of me. Except darn Kevin has decided to start taking photos at our gatherings!!! LOL. I took some silly photos and some really great group shots. Well I relinquished the rights to the camera while the guys were taking photos of us ladies all huddled together. I saw the photos from on the camera, but doesn't everyone look fairly good when you are on a 2 inch screen? It wasn't until this morning downloading the photos and sending them to everyone that....ugh.....yeah I saw myself. I was smiling and happy....but the after affects are always the worst aren't they? All I could see was this fleshy mound of mauve!! E-Gads....Barney washed out and fat! But I sent the photos anyway, knowing that they would be posted on everyone's Facebook page with all of us tagged in them.

Left to right: In back, Valora, Lori, me, Cara, Lindsay, and in front Holly.

So again here is the photo I saw, well one of many of them but this is one I know they won't kill me for posting on here...lol. I was crushed. Even though I had a fantastic time the only thing that I could think of was just how heavy I am. I don't feel like I am this big! I really and honestly don't. It's times like this when the depression takes over because I have let myself go like this. And even after having Lap Band surgery, I still did not possess the will, desire, drive, want, whatever you want to call it to succeed. I thought by having this BLOG it would help and it has, it's a place for me to come and reassure myself, and hopefully help others. But I haven't even been able to maintain a daily thought here either.

So once again, I start or should say try again. My friends found out that next year I will be 40, and were already pondering what we can do to celebrate it! Now turning 40 has no effect on me at all! But another year at 349 pounds does!!! So I thought ok, I have a year and a half from this point on till November 20, 2012 to lose 195 pounds. That will put me at my goal weight of 165 pounds. That roughly works out to 2 pounds a week to lose! Doable right??? Well I'm going to say yes! Although a very good friend of mine has just made me look at how I am seeing things. That if I try for 2 pounds a week, there are going to be weeks when I plateau and I can not afford to let myself get down on myself. Which is what would have happened and my Groundhog Day would have begun again. So I am going to push myself for a pound a week and to look at my progress as a monthly thing rather than a weekly thing. And I know that I have the power within me to push for more, as long as I don't listen to myself. Yes that dreaded negative self talk. I am one who wants instant results, but when it comes to weight who doesn't right? I need to stay focused on that force within me that drives me to do more, be more, want more from myself to reach that goal.

It's not going to be easy and I'm going to fight kicking and screaming to overcome some pretty hefty goals, thoughts, and obstacles. But somewhere in me is still that woman who can stand up to any man and hold her own. That is proud, confident, and loves herself. It's just going to take some very hard work, but I'm worth it aren't I? No matter how much I may fight thinking I am....I know that my baby Shadow thought I was, and I know that family and friends think I am. It's about time that I think I am!!!