Beginning AGAIN!!!!

It seems like no matter what happens in life, I tend to put myself aside. So here I am back at point A again. But at least I keep trying right?!?!?! I hope so.

So here I sit waiting for the clock to reach 3:50am so I can head out for the gym. I was surprised that 2am didn't come hard this morning. Not that I've been sleeping good anyway, but still I didn't fight it like I thought I would. Which is another good sign. Took my blood sugar this morning and wanted to cry though. 133!!!! Man!!!! I haven't had sugars that high in a LONG time!!!! So if my weight isn't an issue for me my diabetes better be! I still don't know what is going to motivate me to keep on, other than I need to do this for myself.  Once again, I need to quit hiding from life and need to start living it.

With protein shake down, heart rate monitor on, Mp3 and water bottle in hand, I head out the door. It's always hard to start again on anything, but I know that getting back to the gym, the one thing that truly makes me feel good, will make this journey a little easier! I hope....LOL.

Long day

I'm still having trouble trying to get more than 3 hours of sleep, but this morning I forced myself to get some more sleep after I woke up at 1am. I was only able to get 2 more hours but I will take what I can get.

Today was a day of preparing for the rest of, well, life. I had to go out and buy some more chicken to boil up for Shadow, since that seems to be the only thing that she is handling right now, and I'm not messing with a good thing. I am loving the fact that I can see a slight change in her appearance, it could be wishful thinking, but I think she is not so skinny now. She is still really sick and skinny but she is such a strong girl and is fighting with all she can. So I will fight right  with her!!!!

I am finding that I have to be really task orientated in making sure everything gets done. I still have all the responsibilities that I had before, but now there is no time for slacking off or letting things slide. If I have to take care of my mom and sister, it has to be done around Shadows schedule not theirs. My baby has to come first above all else!!!

So I have to get back into the routine of cooking meals ahead of time to make sure everything fits into place. It's going to be a little stressful for awhile until I get the routine down, but I can do it. I am also making sure that I am going to take care of myself above all else too! I can't take care of Shadow if I don't take care of me. I can't be heavy and run down with no energy to make time with her. And as you all know she is the light of my life!

So that is what the days hold in store for me. But I can do it!!  I have to do it!!! There is no other choice for me!

A new reason to get back on track!

I wish I could say that life has been an uphill journey since my last posting, but sadly it has not. I have all but sort of given up on myself and have just been living. I have had a lot of responsibilities but that is nothing new for me and my life. I thought that after I took care of my sisters MediCal issues I could return to taking care of myself.

Here is where I struggle. Is it an excuse that I have had too much going on that I haven't gotten back to the gym and myself or is it just a fact of life. I never seem to have enough time in a day to get everything I want or need to get done. I have resorted to getting only 3-4 hours of sleep a night even wearing my CPAP machine. So I'm not sure that is a good thing either. I want to get back on track because I am soooo not happy with how I look  and feel, but what is it going to take to get me where I need to be again?

Well a few things have fallen into place that I think the universe is trying to tell me to get off my arse and do something. First of all, a friend is going to help us with letting us buy his transmission from his car (newly rebuilt) to put in my car. He is even willing to help put it in. So I can finally have wheels again and maybe be able to get a better job. Then the HUGE wake up call his this last week. Shadow has been feeling sick and has been throwing up and urinating everywhere. She was losing weight like crazy!!!!! I couldn't stand it anymore, so we took her in to the vet. This is after we fixed her urinary tract infection and her hip dysplacia.

So we took her in and the vet ran some blood work on her along with some X-rays. He came back out and told us that she is diabetic!!!! And her blood sugars are 576!!! He told us that it should be able to be controlled by insulin, food and exercise. Two days later she couldn't keep any food down or water. So I called the vet again. Of course he said that he wanted to see her right away. We took her back in and the other vet looked at her and said wow she has lost a ton of weight. That didn't sound good. And the way he was looking at her didn't sound good either!!! He took her glucose reading again and it was still 505 after an insulin shot 18 hours earlier. He told us that the only options we had are to either admit her to the hospital and have IV's and insulin to get her back on track or to split up her insulin and hope for the best. I was ready to go the hospital route until the vet called and said that 2 days of hospitalization was going to cost $3500!!!! There is no way we can afford that. I asked the vet honestly, what do you think....  He said that if it was his dog, he would give it about 48 hours and if she doesn't respond, then we should put her down. There was no consoling me at that point. I couldn't lose my baby!!! Not now. The vet gave me all of her medical charts in case I wanted to do the hospital thing.

We took her home and I was determined to get her to eat. I boiled up some chicken and some baby carrots and put them in the food processor. She ate it! We watched her for hours and she never threw it up again. I fixed her some more and she ate that too! She was drinking water all day and we watched for that to come up and it never did! I fed her the last portion of chicken and carrots and then her insulin.

Last night she slept all night. Not once did she have to get up to go potty or to get sick! I think we are well on  our way to success!!!!

So who would think that it would take my baby to become diabetic and almost losing her for me to get off my arse and take care of myself. If I don't take care of myself, who is going to take care of her. So now, not only do I plan weekly menus for us, but for her as well. Shadow and I have to figure out an exercise schedule but I am dedicated to the long and happy life of Shadow and with that.....I am dedicated to the long and happy life of Tristine.  Wow who knew!

UGH!!!!

It has been forever since I posted only because I have not felt worthy of anything to post.  Life is continuing to be a struggle for me.  I am constantly caught between what I feel and what I know.  With this being said I feel I must explain.  I have been feeling lonely.  Not that I really am, but that I feel like I am.  I chat with friends online and by phone but I still seem to feel alone.  Maybe because I am not happy with myself.  A good friend told me that you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself.  Well I'm not sure if I believe that.  I do to a point....but I feel that I love those I love truly and deeply.  I guess it goes to more of being able to give of yourself.  But there again, I feel like I give myself freely to those I love.   Or maybe it's that I analyze things too much....lol...me?!?!?!  What ever the cause...I am having a hard time finding the solution.  I am struggling with getting back to the gym too.  Another thing that I love that I have pushed away.  I can feel myself crawling back into my safe dark hole again.  I can use an excuse that I hurt my back...but it's been healed for a week now.  I can say that it's costly and that the gas is too expensive, but I have a bicycle, there is no reason I can't ride there.  I can't say as I enjoy being at home all the time, but I am finding it hard to get out anymore.  I don't want to be seen.  I am ashamed of myself and don't want people to see that I am failing.

I have never really been afraid of anything in my life but one thing, and that is failure.  I can't allow myself to fail, or more than that...I can't allow anyone else to see me fail.  Now before you jump to my defense and say that I have accomplished so much in my life and that I should be happy, I need to let you into my mind a little bit.  I don't like to think that I have any mental issues but I do believe I have.  I do suffer from depression and take medicine for it but I think it is more me than a chemical imbalance.  I could be wrong....but that is how I feel.  I have admitted that I am a Hoarder.  I have been strong enough to be able to slowly try and get over it on my own.  My self esteem is always in the toilet!!  I have a problem accepting compliments.  I have however grown to learn how to fake accepting them, but they never really reach my head.  But most of all I'm not sure if I know how to be happy.  I have always worried about making sure that everyone around me was taken care of.  I have heard that that is a way of not thinking about myself.  I can see that.  If I am involved doing something for someone else, I don't have to see what I think are failures in my own life.  I can show all of you my wonderful traits and accomplishments but they are only things.  It's like the difference of wanting something and needing something.  I want and like all of the kudos I get from all the things I do, but I need for myself to really believe that I am worth those kudos.

I tried my hand at smoking some beef ribs last night.  I was so excited that I posted all over Facebook about how I was doing them and what they looked like and smelt like while they were cooking.  Many of my friends were telling me how wonderful a cook I was and that they couldn't wait to see them.  It was down to the last couple of hours of them cooking.  They were looking really good and juicy!!!  Now I know that at this point in cooking, you never get distracted.  Well I did.  It's not important with what distracted me but that I wasn't watching my cooking.  I went out to pull them off of the BBQ and they were ruined!!!  The had turned into beef jerky on a bone!  My heart exploded and instantly vanished.  I brought them in the house and told Jim that they were ruined.  He couldn't believe me...until he saw them.  All that hard work and boasting, maybe that is what I'm to learn, how to be humble.  Anyway, they were ruined.  My head instantly clicked off...there was no reasoning with me.  Jim tried to tell me it was ok, but that infuriated me even more.  I don't like pity and that is what it felt like even though I know, logically, that it was far from pity.  I wanted to be left alone, completely alone.  I couldn't keep myself from crying, even now it is bringing tears to my eyes.  I went to bed at 5:30pm and didn't wake up until 5am this morning.  I still couldn't face my friends on Facebook that they were ruined.  But I didn't want a ton of messages on my phone asking what the FAIL message was on my page.  Why did I find it sooo necessary to post just a simple FAIL if I don't want anyone to know that I failed.  Do I secretly want or need pity or consoling?  But once I posted it, I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I am forever crying for help but then pushing it away and not accepting it.

Even as I write this, I am thinking that I need to tell my close friends to read it, but do I really want them to know just how messed up I am?  I know that they will love me even if they don't understand, and still love me even if they do understand.  I have always been my own worst enemy but I am finding that my fighting style with myself is turning into gorilla warfare.  I'm not sure what it is I need to do to change and I hate having to constantly post it here.  I don't want all of you to think that I am a sniveling, pathetic, human.  But I find that when I need to let it out, it comes here.  So please understand that I just need to let it out.  I don't expect any of you to do anything, I just need to see what I am thinking on paper so to speak.  I am hoping that one day I will see all of this writing as silly dribble, but until then.....well It's me.

So I thank you all for reading, and you all bring such good things to my life.  I do appreciate it even if I can't really show it.  Love you guys!

You've come a long way baby....

Today I was talking with a friend of mine about another friend of ours that is starting the journey to bariatric surgery.  Our friend was upset because her doctor told her that she had to lose 50 pounds before he could even think about doing the surgery.  And it dawned on me....

I've come a long way.  I remember when I first met with my surgeon and he told me that I had to lose 10% of my body weight before he could do the surgery.  Now I knew that this was going to be asked of me because I had gone to classes and groups preparing me for my first meeting with my surgeon.  I thought oh my gosh 10% of 413 pounds you have got to be kidding me!!!  How in the world am I going to lose that much weight?!?!  How can I get that much weight off before my next meeting with my surgeon in a couple of months?!?!  You have got to be kidding me.  Then I remember talking to my surgeon and he wanted me to have the bypass surgery and I wanted the Lap Band.  He told me that it would be better for me, and I would lose the weight faster and more of it.  But I stood by my decision on having the Lap Band.  I can remember promising him that I would work extra hard to get the weight off.  That I was capable of losing the weight I needed with the help of the Lap Band.

Of course I was scared at first.  I was really good at first, because let's face it....I wanted the surgery!!!  But then as time went on., life got in the way.  Old stressors and triggers were still there and since I hadn't dealt with how to deal with these things, I went back to my old ways and started eating again.  I would beat myself up and be good again for awhile but I would again eat.  This went on for awhile until it became closer to my next meeting with my surgeon.  I didn't want to let him down.  I had promised him that I would work really hard and I had to prove to him that I was worthy of having the Lap Band surgery.  So I did what ever was needed to get the last few pounds off. 

I felt fantastic that I was able to do it!!  I couldn't have done it without the few support groups I talked with and went to, but I really couldn't have done it without the classes and all the hoops Kaiser put me thorough before the surgery.  They tell you it's going to be hard and that you will have to work at it.  They tell you that surgery is just a tool and should be looked at it as only that.  You have to do the rest!!!

Well October 20th will be my 2 year surgiversary and I still struggle with the eating and losing the weight.  But I can now see that it's me that holds all the cards.  It's my decisions that determine weather I do good or not.  In fact I haven't seen my surgeon in almost 8 months and I'm supposed to see him every month, well now it should be every 3-6 months, but I'm embarrassed to go see him because I haven't kept up my end of the deal.  I have broken my promise.  But I still keep trying.  If you have followed my BLOG for any length of time you will see that I fall off then get back going again.  It sometimes takes me longer to get back on track again....but I DO get there!!!

As I was talking to my friend, I could feel my chest puff up a bit knowing that I have fought this battle and even though I haven't won it yet, I have the desire and fight to keep fighting it!!  I no longer think that my surgery is a magical pill, or a quick fix.  Like I have been told before, you had stomach surgery, not brain surgery.  It finally dawned on me that...I have come a long way baby....I still have a long way to go....but I AM on MY WAY!!!!

Cleaning house in more ways than one

I have taken a lot of time to think about what is going on in my life and how I want to live it.  I have been worried about others feelings, situations, health, and financial issues.  The whole time I have the same issues to deal with but tend to push them aside.  Well I don't know what changed or why but I have gotten a sudden urge to take care of me and my family, meaning Jim, Shadow, and myself.  I will still help others because that is who I am, but we are coming first for a change.

I started yesterday by cleaning out some banker boxes from the garage.  I threw away one box worth and the other two I packed up for Salvation Army.  It felt so good to have a clean spot in the garage.  Granted the clean spot is only 2 feet by 1 foot, but it's CLEAN!!!

So today, I was able to sell a friends monitor for him (not to mention he bought me a new pair of shoes, thanks Scott!!!) and was feeling pretty good getting rid of stuff.  So I came up with this idea to donate my old pc's to a non-profit haunted house that another friend of mine runs.  They got broken into a while back and their computer stuff got taken, so....I'm giving them mine.  I trust them, they can use them, and I'm helping a good cause which makes me feel fantastic!!!  So then I cleaned out two big totes full of stuff out of the garage.  One was full of clothes that neither Jim or I could ever wear....well not unless we starved for a year...lol.  So off they went to Salvation Army.  Then the other tote was full of party decorations and balloons for weddings.  I hated to get rid of that because I love to decorate...but I'm not doing any weddings now and there is no sense to keep them, so they went on Freecycle. 

It has been a tough journey and I am no were near being done.  I even looked at the price tags on some of the stuff and felt sick because I never did anything with the stuff.  It sat in totes for years, not months, days or hours....YEARS!!!!  But after that thought passed, the thought of being able to have friends over without cringing, being able to do my crafts with room to work, and to have a garage that Jim can park his motorcycle in and actually work on if he wants.  No more saving for maybe someday....I'm going to start living in today.

Now I have to admit, that this feeling won't last forever.  My track record of this is not good.  I get this feeling off and on but then I get discouraged because of the sheer mass of everything and lack of time, and of course the emotions that go along with it.  But I am going to fight for this one this time.  I even posted on my Facebook page that if you don't like who I am, and the way I do things....you have complete control to delete me from your friends page.  I am not changing for you because you think I should.  Nope!!!  I even deleted a few people that were talking smack behind my back.  Sorry people, but I don't need your issues!!!  I have my own!!!  If you are to chicken caca to say something to my face, I don't have time for you!!!  I have always been up front and open with everyone, and now I am expecting the same!!!

I'm going to continue my journey and make it my own.  I'm going to cook how I want, post what I want, and do what I want to do.  If you choose to take this journey with me, rock on.  If you don't, well walk on by or stand aside....I'm coming through!!!

Smiling on the outside, twisted on the inside.

I'm sorry that I've been away for so long.  This has been a long two weeks for me. I had to take some time away from me.  When I say take some time away from me, I have to try and stop moving in the direction I'm going and take a breath and really look at what it is I am really doing.  Since I am emotionally involved in so many relationships, I haven't been taking care of myself.  I know I do this as a way of not facing things about me.  I have been backing away from my gym workouts, family and friends all because I am running on pure emotion and not brain power.  The only way I can really explain it is if you watch the Dog Whisperer he says that we give our dogs affection over discipline because it's easier on us, but it's not what is really best for your dog.  So I guess this is where I look at myself as a dog owner and dog and woof at myself for not taking myself out for walks, no discipline, giving too many treats, and neglecting my needs.  Bad owner....

I make light of this but it's really an issue for me.  I had to take a week off from Facebook because I didn't feel that I could in good conscious face my friends with happy thoughts and comments when I didn't really feel up to it.  Don't get me wrong, those happy thoughts and comments towards all of my friends and that is real to them.  It's the happy feeling I feel inside that is missing.  The minute I let everyone know that I needed some time away, all of my wonderful friends rushed to my side.  I had support like never before.  Everyone was there for me.  But even all of the support couldn't get me back up....at least in the beginning.

As the days went by of my silence, I started to let some of my gloom go.  It's still there because  the problems are still there, but I have been able to breathe again.  I will still follow the same path that I was headed on with helping and taking care of things but I don't feel so smothered.  Now it's not my friends that smother me, it's me that smothers me.  I know that most of you won't be able to understand this if you have never had this issue to deal with.  Trust me as I even write this, I keep looking at the Bugles and the corn Doritos thinking just a few won't hurt.  I have been able to resist, but man the fact that this happens at all after this long is upsetting.

So why do I torture myself like this?  I know I am not good about sharing my emotions and feelings, even on here, I hold back...I don't want to scare you all away.... You do get a lot of it but it's so much easier to bury it deep within myself then to have to deal with it.  But then it oozes up to the top and starts to drown me.  I'm the one that does this...no one else tells me to do this, this is something that I have learned all on my own.

I'm trying to keep busy today to trying to keep the gloom away.  I just need to stay focused on what it is I want and not what everyone else wants.  Even though no one is asking for anything really.  Well some are but that's something different, sort of...ugh!!!

I'm going now....enjoy your day and I'll be back soon!!!

Wonder how much a lobotomy costs?

I am again noticing that my brain is far stronger than my....well everything else.  I have eaten cookies and ice cream because they slide down easier than having to sit and wait to be able to eat a regular meal that takes....oh say half an hour to 45 minutes!!!!  And I guess it doesn't help that my old insecurities are popping up again...ugh!

As most of you know, I have a friend in England that is having some trouble with his business.  I have grown to really love and care for him, as I would with any of you.  The only difference is that we have never met.  But in my eyes it doesn't matter.  Well his laptop hasn't been charging so we haven't been able to chat that much online.  It wasn't until I saw his photo on Facebook adding friends that my insecurities started up again.  Is he just my friend when it suits him or am I just a pawn in a little game he is playing.  Why would he love or care for me?  I know what you all are thinking, I've sent him a computer, I've been there for him, called him everyday, but that doesn't matter.  My head still wonders what I have to offer him.  I'm not sexy or thin, I do have a good personality, but how can you get to really know me when the phone calls are only 3-5 minutes long?

But my insecurities are more than just dealing with him.  When I go to the gym, I feel ok, because I feel in my comfort zone...I know that I am strong!  I may be fat but I am strong!  And no one can take that away from me.  But when I'm out in the world, I am still that lost little girl who is pretending to be strong for everyone else.  Nothing can get to me.  Which in turn is just the opposite!!  I worry every time I buy food, I wonder if people are looking into my basket to see if I should be eating that or not.  I worry every time I look at clothes, are people looking at me, like wholly cow, she can't be thinking about wearing that!!!!  I wonder when I walk down the street if people are looking at me wondering what kind of a lazy bum I am that made me this fat.  All of these things and more add up inside me until something puts me over the edge, like seeing my friend online, to make me doubt everything I have worked so hard for.

I think deep down somewhere inside of me, I really think that I am worth everything or at least something, but it is buried so far down in me that sometimes it's hard to find.  I can have people tell me that I am worth it and tell me how much they love and adore me, but my head won't hear it.  It comes back to my head telling myself, they have to say that, they love me.  Which isn't true, they don't have to say that!! 

I think the worst part of this whole thing is that it makes me jump to conclusions before I find out all of the facts.  Since I don't like myself, why would anyone else.  Which is what happened to me this morning.  I instantly thought that my friend no longer liked me and was looking for someone else when all of this was the farthest from the truth.  He was just going through his e-mail on someone else's computer.  I know devils advocate could say that my instincts were right, but my heart tells me different.  It would be nice if my heart and head could be at least somewhere on the same page or even continent!!!

With all of this happening, I am still going in both directions of eating and not eating.  When I eat, it 's the wrong things, when I don't...it's no food at all!!  This in turn is making me very weak and vulnerable.  Which is probably putting more fuel to my distorted fire!  So how do I overcome this?  Who knows.  I sure don't.  I could tell you as if you were a friend of mine, and tell you exactly what steps you should take.  But as for me taking that information and applying it to myself, well that's another story!!  Why is this so hard?  Ugh!!!

Well after talking to my friend my mind has been put at ease and I am feeling a little better, but the embarrassment of having to fall apart in front of him doesn't sit well.  It showed him that I am weak.  And now that I have blogged about it, you all know that I am weak!!!  But that is what my blog is for.  I need to see these things that haunt me and to confront them head on.  Or head off in some cases....lol.

So if I ever find a place that does lobotomy's for a group rate, let me know if you would like to join me.

Random happenings....

I can't say as anything spectacular has happened since my last blog, but there have been things going on.  Let's see let's start from the beginning...

Wednesday night I was late getting to the gym because I was chatting with a good friend online.  So as I rushed to make it to the gym to meet up with Scott, I totally put dinner out of my mind.  Wrong thing to do for me lately....but I digress.  Well Scott and I missed each other so I went ahead and did my workout alone.  Oh it felt good though.  I never realized how good it feels to have sweat dripping from your bangs, nose, ears, and soaking your shirt.  It's strange I know, but it feels like accomplishment for me!!!  I feel like those are the pounds just dripping off of me. If only it were that easy!!  LOL

Anyway, I finished my workout and called Jim to see if he wanted to go to the Silver Skillet for dinner.  It's a truck stop restaurant by us.  I was dying for some rib tips.  When I called he said sure but that I have to come home first because my best friend Wendy had called, and wanted me to call her back.  So I came home and called Wendy.  She had finally found out what the sexes were on the kids!!!  Woo hoo!!!  It's definitely a boy and 75% a girl!!!!  I couldn't believe how happy I was for her.  Oh it was like they were my kids...well they will be soon!!  LOL.  Wendy and I talked for a good 45 minutes.  Oh I miss her soooo much.  Then Jim and I went to dinner.  I ordered an appetizer of the rib tips and a side salad.  Jim got this wonderful looking steak and I couldn't tell you what else because I was mesmerized by my rib tips!!!  LOL  I ate my salad first, because it comes out first.  Wrong thing to do...the doctors tell you this before you have your surgery!!!!  Eat your protein first!!!!  It's the most important!!!!!  Well usually it's not a problem for me until lately.  I'm thinking it's a lot of crapola on my mind, and I'm not paying attention to how I am eating, chewing, swallowing, etc.  So the salad goes down quite nicely and it was yummy too!!  Then comes the rib tips!!!  Oh drool!!!!  I was careful, I didn't dive into them like a mad woman...however it could have been very easy to do!!!!  I took one and cut a bite to eat....chew chew chew swallow....yummmmm.  Oh heaven.  I repeated this action for about maybe 3 rib tips the size of a silver dollar.  Darn it....I was done.  That was it!!!!  No more food was going to be able to enter the gateway to the stomach.  Sheeze...so I boxed it all up and we went home.

Now Thursday is here!!!!  I was up and at the gym by 4am as usual!!!  I got in a fantastic workout and was feeling really good!!!  I came home made Jim some breakfast and lunch and then my day started.  I decided that it was a good time to really get cleaning again.  I am dying for friends to come over and to have people around again.  So I'm fighting my hoarding ways and trying to get rid of stuff.  The day was going great, I even had some funny happenings going on.  Like when I was moving a can of paint that had been in the kitchen for 8 years, the handle had rusted through the can and paint spilled out all over the floor!!!  LOL!!!  I was such a dork, I couldn't quit laughing...so what do I do....I immediately go to my Facebook page and tell everyone!!!  LOL.  I got all the paint cleaned up and by this time I'm about ready for some lunch.  I don't really want to take a whole lot of time with it, so I think, hey I have those leftover rib tips!!!!  I get them from the fridge and pop them in the microwave just to get them warm.  Oh my mouth starts drooling...slurp!!!  I sit down at the kitchen table to eat lunch.  I take a small bite of the rib, chew, chew, chew.  I notice this piece seems to be a little dry...better chew a little more.  It took me 10 minutes to eat 3 rib tips!!!  Then all of a sudden I start feeling sick.  My body is telling me...ok you have T minus 10 seconds to get to the restroom or garbage can because I'm launching!!!  I make it to the restroom.  Yep I lost some of it but not all.  I thought I was done.  Guess again.  This went on for 5 minutes.  How can 3 rib tips cause 5 minutes of throwing up?!?!?!  I didn't think there was that much in me!!!!  Whew.  Well after that experience, I decided I have to let my throat settle down.  I didn't wait long enough.  I took just a tiny tiny spoon of ice cream to cool my throat down, and as soon as it hit oh lordy it launched too, violently!!!!  Alrighty then I can see where this is headed.  So thoughts of eating went by the way side.  It was a good hour later that I tried some cottage cheese.  Nope, I apparently wasn't ready yet!!!!  Again, up it came.  That's it I'm not eating!!!!  So back to cleaning I went.

Thursday night rolls around.  My schedule consists of heading back to the gym to workout with Scott, then over to Holly's for a walk with the ladies, then off to my support group for bariatric surgery.  Normally this is not a problem.  This night it was.  I fixed Jim some leftover sloppy joes and just the smell of the meat was making my stomach turn.  I tried a bite of cottage cheese while I was making his dinner and my body was having none of it.  UGH!!!!  So I finally ended up being able to eat some really crushed up ramen with broth.  But even that was not making my body happy.  I was just so drained!!!!  I had to cancel the rest of my night and I went to bed at 5pm!!!!

Friday morning.  I once again was up at 1am this time.  I was able to eat about a 1/4 cup of cottage cheese so my body would have something to chew on while I pumped some iron.  LOL.  The workout at the gym went really good again.  I have bumped up my cardio to 40 minutes and 30+ minutes on strength  training!  Oh I feel the burn and the burn feels good!!!  LOL.  I had an interesting episode happen at the gym while I was there.  I always put my MP3 player in my shirt pocket when I'm working out.  My arms are still to large for the arm band that holds my MP3.  So I'm walking away on the treadmill, rocking out when I notice that the music is getting louder and louder.  As the music is getting louder and louder, I'm finding that I'm starting to walk faster and faster.  I was almost to a jog when it dawned on me that the volume dial was facing my boob in my shirt.  As I was walking faster and faster, my boobs were bouncing and turning up the volume on my MP3 player!!!!  My boobs could have killed me!!!!  LOL  So thus continues the life of a dork explained by Tristine!!!!  LOL  Anyway came home and was able to eat some Eggbeaters with spinach, onion, garlic, and cheese.  Oh the smell of Gaaahhrlic!!!!!  As I was getting ready to make Jim's breakfast, he informs me that he thinks he had a mild heart attack that night.  His arms were burning like his previous heart attack so he went in and took some aspirin and it went away in about 15 minutes.  Yeah.  So the rest of the day is nothing but bumming around the house.  I'm not letting him out of my sight for awhile.

Friday night I head back to the gym and meet up with Scott.  We just did our cardio since he had to get back to work.  So I came back home fixed a little something, then Jim and I headed off to bed.

I am still having problems eating, but it's getting better.  Shoot, I'm losing a pound a day!!!!  But I know that is not good, so I am still working on that.  As for everything else, well Jim takes priority now.  I am not going to loose him so young!!!!  I won't have it!!!!  So even though it adds a little more stress, it's stress that I am willing to take on a beat the living crapola out of!!!!  I think if it's nice Saturday, we are going to take a bike ride somewhere, just enough to get him started.  Then every time I go to the gym, I am dropping him off to at least sit in the pool if nothing else.  Please do me a favor and not bitch at him.  That does no good.  Please be supportive of him through this.  You all have been so supportive of me, that I think it will do Jim some good to have this positive influence as well.

So that was my week in a novel!!!!!  I hope you enjoyed it, and I will be back soon!!!  I love you all hugs and kisses!!!!

Triggers....they can be more than just food

If you have listened to as many self help, diet tips, doctor recommends as I have you will know that they all talk about triggers.  No I don't mean the horse or the gun...however it leans closer to the gun part rather than the horse..lol.  Triggers are that something that you smell, see, hear, taste that makes you lose control and want to eat.  Well in my life, I have found that I have more triggers than just food issued ones.  Since I am, still, an emotional eater, different things are triggering my need to stuff my face.

For instance, my family is a huge trigger for me.  I am finding lately that the more I am regaining my life back and having fun, my family is becoming a bigger trigger for me.  Maybe it's because I can usually never say no, or maybe it's the years of guilt unconsciously put on me.  Whatever the reason, it is there.  My mom and sister, I realize feel helpless out in the country with no car and no real outlet for interaction with anyone.  But I am trying to break away from the pity party that I used to live in.  So when my mom calls with when can you come out again, or when can you have the car fixed, or I need your help with the mower, or just her frustration, it is starting to get to me.  I find that after I talk to them, I head straight for the food!!  It doesn't matter what it is....it's usually something that I could really care less if I eat it...but my head is on autopilot and the food must enter the mouth.  I think the worst part of it all is that it doesn't even phase me anymore.  It no longer brings comfort to my mind.  Great!!!!  Now what?  So if it's not comforting me anymore why do I still feel the need to do it?  That is a question I'm not sure if I will ever be able to answer.

I have a lot of issues with my past,  most of them I have pushed down so deep that I don't even remember my childhood.  This may be a good thing, but I know that some of my issues are from those times.  But I don't want to go back there.  So is there a point where I can just say....ok the past is the past....move on...make your life count now!!!!  I don't know.  Being a caretaker of family for so long is wearing on me.  I have the responsibility to do this, but I'm getting resentful that the people I take care of have had a life, good or bad, they have actually gotten to do some of the things that "they" wanted to do.  I have never had that opportunity.  I haven't been able to live my life.  I love my hubby dearly, but I find that even he gets put aside when it comes to having to take care of family.  That is not right!!!!  Darn it!!!

I am even having a hard time with other people too.  It's not just family.  I have made some friends online and I am a caring and supportive person, but lately when it comes to people not doing for themselves and looking to me for all their support, I am finding that I am shutting down.  When I shut down I run for food.  Maybe it's selfishness on my part, or maybe I'm finally getting fed up, but either way, I have to retrain something!!!  Either my head or my stomach needs to get an overhaul!!!  Oh wait the stomach got the overhaul....so I guess it's my head.  Why does emotion have to play such a big part in all of this?  I know if it didn't we would all be thin or serial killers right!!!  I need to work on turning my care and support that I normally give freely to others back onto myself.  UGH!!!!  This is a task that I'm going to have a hard time with.  I have been programmed like this for 38 years, how am I going to do it in two years or less, preferably less!!!  I know that all of the support that I am now getting is going to help but it has to start with me.  Why does it always have to start with me?!?!?!  Couldn't I just slip in somewhere along the timeline and just fit in?  Of course not!!!  That would not be my style.  LOL.

So lately, I have returned to previous habits of hiding and ignoring my triggers.  Sort of the out of sight out of mind mentality.  Trust me it doesn't work but it gives me a least a few minutes to try and focus on myself.  Which leads to focusing on someone else, but I'm working on that too.  So if you see me backing away please don't feel ignored, it's my way of rebooting my brain so it doesn't tell my hand to feed my face.

The struggle is still there.

Now remember back when I told you that I was still able to eat a lot of food?  Well guess what....I am on a phase that I can hardly eat anything.  I don't think it is anything medical, but more emotional and stress.  I know me have stress...hahahaha!!!!  But here is an example for you.  I have been making a conscious effort to slow down my eating.  Good....the bites have been fairly small....still need to work on that.....it's very hard to feel like you are eating when the bite inside your mouth is the size of a nickle!!!!  That's nice a bite....that's a piece of food left in your tooth!!!!  LOL.  Anyway, so with all that in mind.....the food is not liking me.  I have tried everything from Eggbeaters to sloppy joes....and yes the sloppy joe meat was the worst!!!  But I was tired and it was quick.  The mornings are still the worst.  It took me 45 minutes the other day to eat a half a cup of just Eggbeaters!!!!  Now that stuff is like Jell-O!!!!  But nope, my little pathway to stomach land was not going to let it pass....not even with the password.....Oh lord please let it go down!!!!

Getting serious again..

I sit here once again at 2am in the morning, preparing myself to head off to the gym.  My horoscope all week has been dropping me hints that it's time to get back to my fitness.  I think it's time I listen to it.  I've been away from the gym for about two weeks for one reason or another and I can tell you that I haven't been me.  There is something about going that makes me feel really good.  Now don't get me wrong I have had a blast spending time with my new BFF's and taking time for me, but I really need to get back to ME in my fitness.  I am starting my program over once again.  I am going to weigh all of my food, log all of my food, and start tracking fitness.  I saw a photo that Lori had taken of me bowling the other night....and wow!!! Yeah, I've lost some weight...but baby got back!!!!  I'm still looking like a brick!!!  So I'm going to try and forget about the way I normally think of things like, I'm starting today and if I fail, then well I'll start tomorrow.  No more!!!  If I fail then, I start again the next meal, or next workout.  I have to be serious about getting this weight off.  I want to be able to go shopping with my friends, I want to go dancing and not worry about if anyone can hear my stomach slapping against my thighs, I want to be able to wear that sexy hot dress, I want to be fit!!!!  I don't want to be thin....those days are over....I am now a woman and I just want to be healthy and fit.  The thin will come from the plastic surgeon...LOL!!!  But in all seriousness, I don't ever want to be "thin" again.  I want to be comfortable!!!

I have found new support so maybe this time things will flow a little smoother.  Not to mention that I have gotten a taste for living life again, and I like it!!!  I didn't realize just how much I missed it.  Well it's now time to go get my sweat on!!  LOL

Well I quit waiting around....now what?

Well I took a week off from the gym not on purpose, I just didn't feel like going.  That happens sometimes.  I think I push so hard that my old fat thoughts rebel against me and send out bad chemicals to my brain that makes me lazy...lol.  No I just need some time away sometimes.  With everything that goes on  in my life, sometimes I just need to hide away. 

I haven't been on the computer as much but when I am watch out.  I have found some fantastic friends and I love them soo!!!  You all know who you are...Holly, Lori, and Valora!!!  I have found my new partners in crime.  I can't tell you how happy they have made me feel these last few weeks!!!  In fact we had all planned a night out on the town....watch out town!!!  But before I get ahead of myself, I should start at the beginning.

Here are my partners in crime!!!  Left to Right...Valora, Holly, Lori, and yep it's me!!!  This was taken the evening of our first Thursday night walk.  We all met up at Holly's house and then we walked around her block.  It was fun...I felt bad that Lori and I ended up walking ahead of Holly and Valora but we'll have to walk behind them and push next time!!!  LOL

These ladies have made me feel like myself again!!!  I can be myself and not have to worry about it.  I know that they don't see my size, they see me and I can't tell you just how good that makes me feel.  I could weigh a thousand  pounds and still feel good about myself with them.  I know that they are my true friends, and I'm going to keep them forever.....if they will let me...lol.

So after a super high of being with friends I was feeling pretty good about myself.  My very best friend, Wendy was coming down from Oregon for a visit and a funeral, and we were going to meet up on Memorial Day weekend for a couple of hours.  Wendy is another one of those special people in my life that I would do anything for.  She is my true soul mate....I think we were separated at birth!!!  Anyway, I had some other friends that wanted some updated photos of me...Ugh!!!!  I hate, no let me stress.....I HATE my photo taken!!!  But I though what the heck, I've lost some weight and I'm feeling good about myself, why not.  They had seen the dresses that I bought for the job fair on my so I thought that I would put on one of my dresses that "used" to fit!!!  I felt fantastic!!!! It was HUGE on me!!!  I mean 2 sizes too big!!!!  Woo hoo!!!!  I had to pin the back of it to help keep it on and it was still to big.  Here is the picture below.  By the way it took me two hours to figure out how to set the timer on my camera to take this photo!!!!  LOL  Don't you just love technology!!!!

Here is the dreaded photo!!!  LOL.  And yes, I had Shadow ther for support!!!  No one loves me more than my baby Shadow!!!!

Well I posted the two above photos to my Facebook page, and I got the shock of my life!!!  One of my new friends on Facebook, a  younger kid from out of the country, told me that I had to remove those photos right away!!!  And was very adamant about it.  His postings were the first postings on my photos.  I thought, what the heck....I asked him what is it about them that you don't like?  I know I didn't do my hair and make-up but I didn't look like Helga the witch!!!!  He said all of them!!!  They are terrible!!!!  Remove them please!!!  Well after feeling really good about myself and then with being hit with those kinds of comments...I started to shut down.  I started to cry.  I wrote back to him and told him that I was sorry that he felt that way about me.  I reminded him that I told him I was a big girl and I even told him how much I really weighed.  I had to get off of Facebook after that.  I told him that I would talk to him later....that I had to go.  I went to my profile page and posted that I was logging off for awhile that I needed to find some self worth.  I then logged off.  Almost as soon as I logged off I headed for the food.  I didn't care what it was, what it tasted like....I just wanted something in my face.  I tried to fight it but the more I fought it the more I cried and beat myself up.  I kept telling myself, see you should have worked harder, you don't really want to be thin do you....why would you ever have your photo taken anyway...who wants to see that.  The more I talked to myself the more I cried, the more I stuffed my face.  I was totally out of control!!!  It was like my panic button was hit and broken off!!!  I couldn't stop and after awhile....I didn't care.  I had lost myself in just one tiny comment from someone I have never even met!!!  What is wrong with me?  This had all happened before noon.  When Jim called me at his lunch time, I was still crying and eating.  I could barely talk.

I eventually logged back into Facebook but I was not going anywhere near his page or his messages.  He kept e-mailing me that he was so sorry and for me to forgive him that he didn't mean it, that I misunderstood him.  Well by the time I had logged back in my other friends had posted how great I had looked and were concerned with what was wrong with me.  Why was I so down.  It's not like me to show my pain publicly.  And here it was out there in the open for everyone to see.  I was hurt!!!  I started to regain some of my strength back from the positive comments from my friends but I was still hurt.  I was useless the rest of the day and the evening.  There was nothing that was going to make me snap out of it.  It's been a long time since I was that low!!!  My head was even over powering my depression meds.  I didn't talk to him until the next day, and even then I was hesitant.  But I figured that I had fallen off my horse and I needed to get back on!!!

I explained to him how much he really hurt me.  I don't think I have ever confronted someone with how I felt.  That was a new experience for me.  It felt good and bad all at the same time.  It felt good that I was able to let him know that I was upset and that he had done it to me, but at the same time, it still hurt that something like this upset me....I am stronger than this.  Or at least I like to lie to myself and tell myself I am.  We have since worked things out and understand each other now and we are good friends once again.  But the whole incident was a little unnerving for me.  I can see that I have not totally fought off my demons in my head.  I thought that I was not completely over my issues but at least had a better handle on them.  I guess it's still one day at a time.  But I have gained some new confidence and that is good!!!

A couple of days after that, Wendy had come into town.  I wanted to look my best.  I went out and bought a new pair of shoes...I was looking for some cute sandals but ended up with some platform heels....lol.  You can take the girl out of the shoe store but you can't keep her from buying the sexy shoes!!!!  LOL  Talk about feeling like a million bucks!!!  Jim thought I looked hot and I felt hot and not just sweaty either!!!  LOL

This is Wendy and myself.  Two peas in a pod!!!  Did I mention that we are joined at the hips...lol

This is Abigail, the baby...not anymore!!!  Wow she is already 4 almost 5!!!  Where did the time go?

And of course the three of us.  The other kids couldn't come on this trip, so I guess Jim and I are just going to have to take a trip to see them....hint hint....honey.....

Anyway after we spent a couple of hours with Wendy and her family, it was time for us to meet up with Spencer at the Fox and Goose bar.  We all ordered something, Jim had English sausage sandwich, Spencer had a really good looking hamburger, and I got the most amazing fish and chips!!!  The guys had a few beers, and we sat and chatted for another couple of hours.  The band that was playing was ok but the next band was so much fun.  I had the greatest time!!!  Catching up with Spencer, who is more like family than a friend is always a bright spot in my life!!!  We left tired but I was still full of the most tremendous energy and happiness that it is almost impossible to explain.  I felt 100 feet tall and it wasn't just because I was wearing heels!!!  LOL!!!

The next day we had to go out to my brother-in-laws to pick up mom's car.  Yeah it's finally fixed so she can drive it!!!  Well ok she can go to the store or other places that are close.  I don't really want her driving until after her other eye surgery.  But it is a load off my shoulders knowing that she at least has wheels that if she needs something that's close, she doesn't have to wait for me to get the time to go.  It will take a lot of pressure off of us both.  At least for now.  LOL.

We dropped mom's car off and headed home.  I went to bed the night before at 1am and woke up at 2am!!!  I know I'm insane!!!  So Jim and I needed some much needed rest.  I tried to sleep but it was hard because that night we were meeting some friends for dinner then out for drinks, dancing, and singing!!!!!  Yep I said singing!!!  LOL

That night I got all dressed up again...heels and mak-up!!!!  I was going to make my hubby proud!!!  I was going to show him that his wife is feeling good and looking good too!!!  I was even going to let myself have a few drinks!!!  We met Lori, Norm, Valora, and Kevin at Kool Hand Lukes for dinner!!!  Oh man the food was good, but the company was sooo much better!!!  I was having the time of my life!!!  I don't think I have laughed so much in a long time.  LOL.

We finally met up with Holly and Ron at Referee's bar.  The band was too loud...now you know I'm old!!!! LOL!!!!  We all sat and chatted tasted each others drinks, and had a blast!!!  Us girls ended up playing some darts...not well but it was fun..  We didn't have a clue what we were doing but it was fun.  The husbands were having fun watching us women be dorks...but it wall all good!!!  I didn't want the night to end, but I knew it had too.  Jim and I once again got in around 1am.  I again was up around 2am.  But I didn't care!!!  I have found my happiness!!!  I can hold these times close in my heart and over come anything.  I know I can....I have it in me...now that I have seen it, it is much easier to go back to those feelings.  So watch out world...I am fighting my demons one at a time...but I will win this fight!!!

With the love an support from all of my friends....I can overcome anything!!!  I want to thank all of you for that!!!  You have given me a gift that I can never say thank you enough for!!!  You have given me back my life!!

Stop waiting around...

My morning started early once again.  It was 2am and I was up calling a friend to make sure he was up.  Then I headed over to Facebook to see what my other friends were doing.  I read a few things and posted a few things and then I sat and stared at my computer.  I had sent a message to another friend who would be the only person awake at this hour.  I checked a friend request that I had sent to another friend.  The friend I sent a friend request to had apparently denied my request, which is fine.  But it dawned on me at this point....what are you doing?!?!  Why are you wasting your time waiting around for other people to contact you?!?!  I sit at my computer, waiting for acquaintances (my true friends are awesome) to contact me.  I guess that friend request denial is bothering me more than I thought.  But why am I wasting my energy on these people who obviously have better things to do?  It comes back to that needing acceptance again I guess.  Well no more!!!!  The phone calls work both ways. It's time someone starts chasing after me!!!  I'm worth it!!!  I'm going to no longer be tied to my computer waiting for someone to contact me.  If you catch me online than good for you.  Other than that....eat my dust!!!  LOL.  This woman is on the move!!!

Get off your butt and move!!!

After re-reading yesterdays post and of course living it, I decided that it is time for me to really do something about this.  I am never going to love myself as long as I stay heavy like this.  I know that I use my weight as a shield for many things.  Well today is a day to start stripping!!!

I am going to really focus on things that I want to do.  I know, how many times have you heard me say this....if I had a nickel kind of thing....  Well, I am really going to focus and focus hard on it. I am going to sort of start small so I don't get discouraged.  I know....me get discouraged?!?!?!  LOL.  In a heart beat!!!  But then it makes me want to try harder....me and my catch 22's!!!

So I am getting back to my gym routine, and I'm not going to let anything sway that!!!  Not even me!!!  I'm going to get my bike back in shape and I'm going to start taking Shadow outside too.  I think we could both use some sunshine.  It's going to be hard, but I'm coming first....at least once or twice a week for now!!  lol.

I need to feel my own self-worth.  And since I'm the type that seems to learn the hard way....there is no better way than to just get out there and do it.  So no more down time for me.  If I start to feel down again, then that means it's time to get off my butt and move.  It doesn't matter if it is just taking Shadow for a walk, or if it's just turning on the radio and dancing like a fool!!!!  Uh...sorry I won't be posting photos of that!!!!  LOL.  I don't want any YouTube craze going!!!!  LOL.

So bear with me as we get our buns in motion....wow you would not believe THAT motion....LOL!!!  I'm looking up for a better today, tomorrow, and future.  And you all are coming with me kicking and screaming....LOL.

Thanks to everyone who has been there for me, not just this past week, but always.  I used to think I was doing this all alone.  I know differently now.  You are all my strength and courage.  I love you all for that!!!  Now let's get off the couch and do something!!!!

Have a great day everyone!!!  You have made mine fantastic!!!

Emotional roller coaster....get on or get off?!?!?!

This last week for me has been an emotional roller coaster.  I have been really up and then I have fallen into the depths of below.  Other than my poor self image, I can't really focus on what is making me like this.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I know that but I usually wear a sweater over the shirt so no one can see.  But is it time for me to take that sweater off?

I have this issue where I need to be accepted and loved constantly.  Which I know I am by many but for some reason I can't seem to tell myself that.  I get so excited and happy when someone pays attention to me, but then I can't ever seem to get enough.  So when that person or persons don't pay constant attention to me daily, I feel like I have been forgotten or discarded.  I have a good idea where some of this comes from, but still shouldn't I be able to kick this.  I have a ton of fantastic friends on Facebook and some here in town, but I can never seem to get enough.  I feel like, you know I really don't know.  I know that I am insecure about myself, but shouldn't the love and friendship of others finally make me see that I am worth something?

My doctor would like me to try and get off my depression medicine, but right now, I don't see how I can.  If I'm feeling this up and down ON my meds Lord help Jim if I go off of them!!!  I hate to see what I put him through with all of this.  He loves me so unconditionally and yet, I still can't accept the love he shows me.  It never seems enough even from him.  I love him so much.  But yet I feel like I have to have all of this acceptance from others to make me feel like I am worth something.

I try and think of myself positively but I usually just end up ignoring myself.  I don't put myself down as much anymore, so that is good, but I don't think ignoring myself is healthy either.  It's no wonder why I look to make others happy.  Am I unable to actually be happy?  Jim sometimes teases me that I'm not happy unless my life is in complete turmoil.  Could this be right?  I don't want to sit down and dwell on the past, because the past is the past, but is my past still hurting me?  How do I let go of these demons?

It wouldn't be so bad I guess if I didn't let my high's get so high.  That way when an everyday life occurrence happens, it doesn't feel so low.  But I like the feeling of being really happy and full of love and excitement!!!  Why is it that I can help others through times like this but I can not take my own advice.  I know what to do, sort of, but I just can't seem to put it in motion.  I've tried faking it till I make it happen but I know that it is false and to me it's like telling a lie.  It's not true. 

This makes me all so tired.  It's these times where I go to the fridge for comfort, but then that drops me down lower.  Why do I have to make life so hard?  It's not that hard is it?  It can't be....others live happy lives.  So do I choose to stay on this path of destruction or do I find a way to get off.  Naturally, the first thing out of my mouth is to get off....but can I really get off or have I super glued my butt to the seat?

It's time for me to go do something other than dwell on these thoughts.  I choose to change!!!  I just hope I can.

Just thinking

This morning, I retreated to the bathtub to soak and think a few things over.  I know why the tub, well it's a place where I can be alone, there are no outside influences like tv, the kitchen, the dirty house, etc.  I can slip down into the warm water have some white noise playing in the background, and just let my mind wander.  However, my mind has been racing lately.

By accident, I happened to come across a show called "Ruby" on the style channel.  Now I know who Ruby is, from my Myspace page, but I had never seen her show.  If you don't know who she is, she is a woman who weighed I think over or around seven hundred pounds and decided to lose weight and find out why she got to where she was in life.  It's a really amazing story.  I admire her for doing this.  She has lost like three hundred pounds so far, and it's all been by diet and exercise.  No surgery!!!!  Anyway, I happened to click on the show and the episode that was running was one on a six day intensive program.  What the program was is kind of like an addicts detox.  They went through emotions from the past of why they gained the weight and all kinds of things.  In a way that is something I would like to do, but in a way I wouldn't want to do it either.  My past is my past, and I try and keep it that way.  I learn from my mistakes (at least I hope I do) and move on.  Not to mention, that I don't really remember a lot of my childhood and past.  I just know that it was rough, painful, and traumatic.  That's really more than I would care to remember.  Anyway, at one point in the show, one of the women was setting up some pillows for another lady and the leader of the program asked her why she is doing that.  The woman said that she wanted to make sure that the other lady had pillows for when the session started.  The leader replied with did she ask you to do that?  The woman said no.  The leader said then stop it, put them back.  Well long story short, the leader basically told the woman that she does for others so she doesn't have to focus on herself and her issues.

Wow!!!!  Is that really true?  I have been a people pleaser and put everyone else's needs before mine for forever.  But I thought that I was being caring and polite.  Am I really that afraid to deal with my own issues that much?  Is that why it is so hard for me to put myself first?  I just thought it was hard for me to put myself first is because I never felt like I deserved it.  I have always felt like my job was to make everyone else happy around me.  You know....do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Have I been missing the point all of these years?  Will I ever be strong enough to face my demons head on and get past all of my negative self talk, and belittling of myself?  Will I ever really love myself?  They say that you can not truly love someone until you love yourself.  Have I been short changing Jim all of these years?  Will I ever really be happy?  And have I EVER really been happy?

Well now you know just how screwed up my head is.  That is a lot of stuff to think about, and I got all of that from an hour show.  Huh.  I still can't answer those questions.  I think the worst part of it is that those questions gnaw on me bit by bit.  I still truck on through life, I have to, I have others in my life that need my strength.  Or do they?  Have I created a group of people to be around me that need me so I can feel better about myself, or do they truly need me.  Do I make sure that the people around me are able to enable my desires without knowing it so I don't have to make the tough decisions?  Am I not as strong as I thought I was?

So I guess it's time for me to really take a look at me for a change.  I guess I will have to look at how I do things and why a little closer.  That gets so tiring though.  But maybe it's what I need to get me back going.  No one ever told me that this was going to be an easy journey.  And here I thought that the losing weight was going to be the hardest part.  Maybe a lobotomy would come in handy eh?!?!?!  lol

Well I'm tired of thinking for now and I'm starting to look like a California Raisin!!!!  No the computer is not in the tub with me!!!!!  Stop it!!!  lol.  It's time to go take my blood sugar reading and drink some water.  It's still many hours before Jim and Shadow will ever wake up. 

I thank you for listening/reading my insecurities and ramblings.  I'll see you on the flip side....

Another day, another decision

I have had a lot on my mind lately.  Between worrying about a package I sent to a friend in England, some wonky things going on with my body, my sister getting a notice that her psychiatrist is dropping her, money ALWAYS being an issue, and many, many more things, my mind is all tied up in knots.

When I start to feel this way, the first thing I normally do is to either eat or hide somewhere from the world.  Since I am unable to totally break all of my habits, I decided to do some therapy cooking.  I am fine cooking as long as I don't let myself "dip into" the tasting habit.  So I decided that I had some chocolate chips hanging around that I knew I would start searching for to eat if I didn't do something with them.  So I made 4 dozen cookies.  Which I might add I have only had 4 of them in 2 days!!!!  Not bad for a girl that would have eaten 4 plates of them before they even hit the table!!!  Since I had started the cooking process, I decided that I needed to get back to my meal plans.  It makes life so much easier when I have already thought of what to eat for the day.  We eat better when I do that too!!  No throwing things together to make a meal, or eating out because food just doesn't sound appealing to fix.  Not to mention that I usually use my weekends to prepare a ton of food for the week, so if I have a hectic week, there is food ready to throw in the oven or whatever.

With that in mind, I made some hamburgers with cheese stuffed in them so they are ready to throw on the BBQ.  I cleaned out the refrigerator and put all of the food in containers so it's easy for Jim to take it for lunch.  I have created my weekly menu for all of the meals not just dinners.

I started picking up the kitchen and going through a ton of papers to throw away.  I was doing ok as long as I kept busy.  Once I started to stop and do nothing, the depression and thoughts of eating came rushing back.  This usually happens when I have too much on my mind and I don't let any frustration out.  I can usually get rid of a lot of this negative stuff by going to the gym.  But since I haven't been feeling up to par, I haven't been going to the gym this last week. Which is probably why my body is feeling wonky!!!  Oh it's such a catch 22 it's not funny!!  I do realize that most of the problems I encounter are of my own doing.  I don't think I'm happy unless I'm stressed or miserable.  That's pretty sad!!!

But I got through the day without too many issues or food stuffed into my mouth!!!  I wish that some days it was easier and that I didn't have to think about what I am doing so much.  But if I don't think about it, that's when I get into trouble.  I start eating and not taking care of myself and that just makes things that much worse.  So today is yet another day, with more decisions to make.  I can make this change, but wow some days are just killers.  So my decision today is to stay busy and get through the weekend.  I'm not going to throw this weekend away, I will maintain trying to stay focused, but Monday, I hit the grind stone hot and heavy.  If I can't make the choices mentally then I will have to make them forcefully!!!  I will have to push, push, push myself to work through things and not use food to make the choices for me.

I can do this, and I will do this.....I just hope I make it through alive!!!!  LOL.  Here is to a stronger, healthier, happier me.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!!!!

Well I'm not Hispanic and I'm not drinking.....so what's the point of celebrating this holiday for me?!?!?  It's a chance to eat!!!!  Ok for me it's a chance to MAKE some good food!!!

Today I decided that instead of the regular old tacos for dinner, I was going to make my pure protein chicken enchiladas!!!  That's right!!!  No tortillas in this one.

I took some boneless, skinless chicken breasts and boiled them until they were just done.  I let them cool then shredded them with a couple of forks.  Then I took some cream of mushroom soup, sour cream, milk, shredded cheese, and chicken taco seasoning and mixed them all together with the chicken.  Oops, I guess I should tell you to save about a cup of the mushroom soup mixture (without the chicken) so you can pour it on top of the enchiladas after you have rolled them.  My bad....hee hee hee.

As you can see I poured some of the sauce in the bottom of the pan so I wouldn't have to use any cooking spray.  I took some chicken lunchmeat and put about 1/3 of a cup of filling on it and rolled it up. I filled them fairly full since I had a little more cheese in the mixture than normal....we're celebrating right?!?!?!  lol.

I told you I filled them full right?!?!?!  Yummm...  And yes, these are the ingredients that I used, I'm not just selling Land O Frost lunchmeat!!!  LOL.

After I got them all rolled up, I poured the rest of the sauce on top of them and sprinkled some more cheese on top.  I put it into a 350 degree oven and cooked it until the cheese browned.  Everything is already cooked before you put it in the oven so you are more or less just heating it through.  Be sure and let them cool for a little bit before you serve them, or your guests will burn their mouths!!!  I can tell you this from experience!!!

As far as serving sizes....it's up to you.  I personally can only eat one roll up with my tiny stomach.  But Jim, my hubby who is a eater, can usually only eat about 3 roll ups.  So they are very filling!!!!!  And oh sooooo good!!!!!  If any of you try this, please send me some pics or how you liked them.  I would love to add some chilies, onions, and other stuff, but Jim likes them this way.

So that is all we did for the holiday.  We ate then went to bed!!  LOL, we are such party animals!!!  Woot woot!!!!  I hope you all had a fantastic day today and I hope I've shared a new twist to an old favorite.

Until next time......

The weekend is over, a new week begins

This last weekend was one of new adventures for me.  Going to Holly's party was the biggest part, but overall it was a weekend of letting go.  I tried to not worry so much about everything that is happening in my life and live life.  I can't say that I was absolutely successful, but I did pretty good.

Now a new week is about to begin and I am going to strive towards letting go a little bit.  I want to take time for me.  I do however have to take my mom and sister out shopping sometime this week and then to Brown Bag, but other than that, the week is mine.  I have already started cleaning up the kitchen and throwing things away.  I would love to be able to say that I kicked my hoarding habits on my own!!!!  Besides, I am dying to have people come over.  I no longer want to be the one that has to go out to places to see friends.  I would love people to feel comfortable in my home.  Shoot, I would love to feel comfortable in my home.

I am going back to the gym this morning to get back into the swing of things after hurting my back.  These last few days of not going to the gym, have made me feel sluggish.  Not to mention that I can see my tendencies to start eating everything in the house starting up again.  Ugh, I was just conquering that hurdle.  I guess my training for hurdles is still in progress.  LOL.

I'm getting back to preparing a weekly menu and going to stick with it.  Eating out is so expensive now and it's pointless for me to even try anymore.  I am still having trouble eating reheated food, which I guess in a way is a good thing!!  However, it sort of bums me out that the ribs I BBQ'd last night are a one time eat!!!!  But that is ok, I KNOW Jim is going to enjoy them, again and again!!!  Hee hee hee.

I'm not sure what I am going to conquer this week, but I am keeping a positive attitude towards it.  It's time that I tell myself that I am worth it, and to start believing it.  I think it's time after 37 years of beating myself up mentally.  Time to keep my head high, heart hopeful, and life fulfilled!!!

It's my time and I'm going to seize it!!!

Let's get this party started!!!!

Well last night was a blast and a half for me.  Jim and I went to a party at a friends house.  Now for you to understand how tremendous this was, I have to tell you that I haven't been to a party or a friends house in over three years.  I would want to go, but by the time I found something that fit and got past my insecurities, I was so miserable that it wasn't worth going.  No matter how good of a friend it was.  I couldn't even go visit family in Oregon because I couldn't get over my insecurities.  How pathetic is that, that I couldn't even see family and they couldn't get me past my "head".

Well all of that vanished last night.  Now most of these people were friends of Jim's that he went to school with, but one lady in particular had become a good friend of mine.  That lady was Holly.  We had become friends through Facebook.  Holly had read my blog and then befriended me.  That was the start of me coming out of my shell among other things.

Jim and I had been invited to another party earlier in the year by another one of his friends, Randy.  We were unable to make that one, but I am so happy that we were able to make Holly's party last night.  Everyone made me feel so comfortable!!!  It was like I had known these people for years!!!  They didn't see that I was heavy, they saw me for me!!!  I didn't have to go hide in a corner being to afraid to talk to anyone for fear of being judged.  I was actually able to mingle and talk with people!!!  For the first time in a very long time, I didn't even think about my weight.  I could just be me.  The same quirky, fun-loving, smart arse me.  One of the best things about last night was that Jim and I actually got to spend some time out together having fun.  Jim has accepted the "mole" lifestyle I had become accustomed to.  We hadn't been out together on a date or just to hang out in many years.  We had gotten comfortable (well I had at least) with hiding in the house and hiding from the world.  I think I have made his life so dull and lifeless, but if you know Jim he would tell you otherwise.  He is such a support for me, I don't know if I could have done this without him.  Thank you honey, I love you!!!!  Anyway, I didn't have to stay by his side looking for comfort and support.  I was able to let him go off on his own while I met new people.

I can't explain to you in words just how empowering this is for me.  I can be the real me here on the computer, because I know you don't have to see me.  But for me to be able to be me and not hide is better than any drug I could ever find!!!

So I am looking forward to many more outings no matter what they may be.  This has been a long road to travel but I think that this path is starting to get paved and isn't so rocky.  The next thing I need to do is get those boots a walking and continue to put myself out there.  I'm worth it and I'm finally starting to see that.

Thanks everyone who has helped me get this far!!!  You don't know how much your love and support really means!!!  Now let's start getting together....lol

Things are looking up for me.

It's been awhile since I've been blogging, because there has really not been anything worth blogging about.  My life was kind of stale and I wasn't really doing anything.  That is going to change and has started changing!!!

I have gained a new gym partner and new motivation.  I had asked my Facebook and Myspace friends to help me stay accountable by making sure I post that I have worked out each day.  That has worked so far but by actually having a partner to work out with has helped tons.  I don't want to let him down, especially since he asked if I could help him with his strength training.

I have now revamped my exercise schedule to every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I do cardio twice a day, and strength training twice a day.  On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays I just do cardio twice a day.  I take time to rest on Sunday....very needed rest I might add!!!  LOL.  Oh how could I forget....I am going to take a belly dancing class for an hour every Friday night!!!  I have the belly....I might as well put it to use!!  LOL!!!!

I am continuing my journey of getting back to me.  It has been hard putting myself first when I have put others before me all my life.  But I am feeling fantastic and I'm regaining my self esteem and confidence.  I haven't really seen or felt a very happy Tristine for a long time.  She's back now, and is looking to play and make up for some lost times.  I want to experience everything!!!!  I want to go back dancing, riding roller coasters, rock climbing, you name it, I want to try it!!!

So that's it for today....so far, the day is young and so am I!!  I've finished my protein shake and now it's time to get ready for the gym.  I hope to see you back here again.  Enjoy life every chance you can!!  Hugs all.

The Monday after...

LOL!!!!  My title sounds like a bad B movie!!!  Well the Monday after Easter has come and gone.  Easter was good except for the fact that I ate some real sugar in the form of a piece of chocolate cake with ice cream, and had 3 cookies, all before 10 am!!!!  Oh did my tummy feel it!!  I felt so yucky!!!  We didn't eat dinner until almost 4pm.  Then we had Taco Bell and that didn't sit well either!!  So, I guess it's back to eating the right way!!!  It is getting harder and harder to eat fast food, which is a good thing, but it makes it hard to grab something quick.  But that's ok, because I am losing weight and feeling good!!!

So yesterday, it took me almost half and hour to talk myself into going to the gym.  I hadn't gone in three days and I knew I had to get back.  Especially after Easter!!!  After I drug myself out of bed, I had to eat some form of protein so I could do my strength training.  I didn't have time to drink a protein shake, and I didn't want a cup of fluid in my stomach while I was on the treadmill.  I opted for some thin sliced chicken lunchmeat.  I either ate it too fast or didn't chew it up good enough because I only got through about three slices and was done!!!!  So off to the gym I went.  Oh, I didn't want to leave the house.  After really dragging my feet, I arrived at the gym around 4:05am.  I climbed up the stairs, would have loved to take the elevator but didn't, and headed towards the dreaded scale.  I was almost afraid to look!!!  But I have to know how much so I can program the treadmill.  I was pleasantly surprised when the scale read that I had LOST three pounds!!!!  Wholly cow!!!!!  That means that I am only seven pounds away from 100 pounds lost!!!!  I was instantly energized.   Well at least for a minute.  I started the treadmill....my feet felt like lead weights.  Every step seemed to just drag on and on.  It took me a good fifteen minutes again before I had hit my stride and the time sort of flew after that.  The only problem is now that I have to start kicking up the speed.  I am having a hard time getting my heart rate up again.  Darn it!!!  I know, no pain, no gain.  Sheeze, who ever thought that statement up needs to be slapped!!!!  LOL

I got through the workout, didn't do any strength training, I was running out of time.  Got home, and got Jim off to work.  When I came back home, it felt sooo good to get in the shower!!!  Oh I could have stayed in there for hours.  Sigh.....Shadow convinced me to go lay down for a minute in bed with her and the next thing I know, we have fallen asleep for an hour!!!!  But hey, we all need some cuddle time with our pets/kids right!!!  I thought so!!!  LOL.  I got a call from a friend of mine who is still in England.  Wow he's been there for a month now!!!  Anyway, it was nice to hear from him and of course he showered me with well wishes and happy thoughts.  He sent some prayers my way for the job fair today.  We talked for just a few minutes, then I had to go.  I had to go take mom to her physical therapy again.

The gentleman that does mom's physical therapy is a kick in the pants!!!  He is sooo funny.  Mom bought him a chocolate bunny last week for Easter and he was thrilled.  We got talking about how mom and Kelly were eating gummy bears in front of me and he said that he would work mom extra hard for me to make up for it!!!  LOL.  So yesterday, I brought him some gummy coke bottles.  He had mentioned that he really liked them, so I thought I would return the favor for putting mom through the paces.  I know I'm evil, but hey turn around is fair play right?!?!?!  LOL.  We spent the whole half hour joking and laughing while mom had to do her physical therapy.  It was a fun morning!!!

After mom's appointment, they were dying to go to the dollar store.  Hours later....not really just seems like that.  Mom and Kelly were hungry, and I had brought some coupons to go out to eat.  Well they decided they wanted Carl's Jr.s.  Well that would have been fine but we got there at 1pm and it was packed!!!!  So I took them to Jimboys instead.  I ordered two chicken tacos.  I ate three quarters of one taco, lost about a quarter of it and was done!!!  The other taco went home for Jim!!  Once again, fast food is not my friend.  You would think I'd learn or something huh!!!  I finally took mom and Kelly home then off to meet Jim at work.  I had bought Jeffrey and Sann some onion garlic cashews and wanted to make sure they got them.  Oh Jim is going to kill me.  He hates the smell of those things!!!  Muwahahahaha!!!!!  Did I mention, I think I'm evil!!!!

I got some much needed support from Jeffrey about todays job fair, as Jim relaxed with a beer.  What more could you want out of life?  We headed home.

A Happy Easter indeed!!

Happy Easter everyone!!!  Well this year, I am feeling good about who and what I am.  However, I do not like this photo!!!  Sheeze!!!  Anyway, this is one of my new dresses for my new size me.  In the photo it looks like it just hangs but really there is a waist and some boobs in there!!!  LOL

I couldn't tell you why I am leaning though.  Ha ha ha.  Maybe there was some hip action that I was unaware of!!  lol.

This morning, Jim and I picked up mom and Kelly and took them out to breakfast at the Golden Corrall.  It is the end of my Lent promise and I had every intention of eating something bad!!!!  Well first thing this morning, when I got up, I ate a piece of Jim's Pot of Gold candy.  I thought I was going to hurl!!!  It was sooo sickening sweet.  Yuck!!  Hey wait a minute....did I just say yuck to chocolate?!?!?!  OMG where is the pod.  Yep that's right.  It was too sweet for me.

So when we got to the resturant, I got some eggs, ham, sausage, hashbrowns and some mushrooms.  I couldn't eat the sausage, it wouldn't break down enough even chewing it 30 times!!!!  I was able to eat the scrambled eggs with the mushrooms mixed in with them, but the ham and the hasbrowns...took another journey.  Yep, I couldn't keep those guys down.  That's ok though.  I then had some cottage cheese with pears, some apples, and something else that I can't remember right now.  Wow must have made a lasting impression on me.  Welll that stuff went down ok.

Then it was time for dessert!!!!  Oh the joy...chocolate cake!!!!  I had a piece of cake with some vanilla ice cream on it, two chocolate chip cookies and a peanut butter cookie.  They all grossed me out.  I ate them...but I know I won't do that again!!!  Have I finally gotten over my obsession with sweets?!?!   Wow that would be nice!!!  Let's see how I do with the bread, pasta, and rice thing.  I am continuing with not eating those things from here on out.  Naturally I won't be as strick as I was for Lent but I am going to be pretty close!!!  I don't want to lose what I have started.  The losing weight and feeling good about myself is fantastic!!!  I don't want to lose this feeling again!!!  Now if I can stay away from cameras I'll be ok.  I still hate the way I look in photos!!!  I never feel like I look like me!!  ARG!!!!!

Anyway, I didn't eat too much except for the sweets and now we are home.  Time to get a move on my resume for Tuesday.  Who knows I may actually push hard for a job!!!  I'm not going to get my hopes up too high.  I don't want to be let down, but I have to try right?!?!!  RIGHT!!!

So I hope you all had a great Easter!!!  I did.  Hugs to you all!!!!