Stop waiting around...

My morning started early once again.  It was 2am and I was up calling a friend to make sure he was up.  Then I headed over to Facebook to see what my other friends were doing.  I read a few things and posted a few things and then I sat and stared at my computer.  I had sent a message to another friend who would be the only person awake at this hour.  I checked a friend request that I had sent to another friend.  The friend I sent a friend request to had apparently denied my request, which is fine.  But it dawned on me at this point....what are you doing?!?!  Why are you wasting your time waiting around for other people to contact you?!?!  I sit at my computer, waiting for acquaintances (my true friends are awesome) to contact me.  I guess that friend request denial is bothering me more than I thought.  But why am I wasting my energy on these people who obviously have better things to do?  It comes back to that needing acceptance again I guess.  Well no more!!!!  The phone calls work both ways. It's time someone starts chasing after me!!!  I'm worth it!!!  I'm going to no longer be tied to my computer waiting for someone to contact me.  If you catch me online than good for you.  Other than that....eat my dust!!!  LOL.  This woman is on the move!!!

Get off your butt and move!!!

After re-reading yesterdays post and of course living it, I decided that it is time for me to really do something about this.  I am never going to love myself as long as I stay heavy like this.  I know that I use my weight as a shield for many things.  Well today is a day to start stripping!!!

I am going to really focus on things that I want to do.  I know, how many times have you heard me say this....if I had a nickel kind of thing....  Well, I am really going to focus and focus hard on it. I am going to sort of start small so I don't get discouraged.  I know....me get discouraged?!?!?!  LOL.  In a heart beat!!!  But then it makes me want to try harder....me and my catch 22's!!!

So I am getting back to my gym routine, and I'm not going to let anything sway that!!!  Not even me!!!  I'm going to get my bike back in shape and I'm going to start taking Shadow outside too.  I think we could both use some sunshine.  It's going to be hard, but I'm coming first....at least once or twice a week for now!!  lol.

I need to feel my own self-worth.  And since I'm the type that seems to learn the hard way....there is no better way than to just get out there and do it.  So no more down time for me.  If I start to feel down again, then that means it's time to get off my butt and move.  It doesn't matter if it is just taking Shadow for a walk, or if it's just turning on the radio and dancing like a fool!!!!  Uh...sorry I won't be posting photos of that!!!!  LOL.  I don't want any YouTube craze going!!!!  LOL.

So bear with me as we get our buns in motion....wow you would not believe THAT motion....LOL!!!  I'm looking up for a better today, tomorrow, and future.  And you all are coming with me kicking and screaming....LOL.

Thanks to everyone who has been there for me, not just this past week, but always.  I used to think I was doing this all alone.  I know differently now.  You are all my strength and courage.  I love you all for that!!!  Now let's get off the couch and do something!!!!

Have a great day everyone!!!  You have made mine fantastic!!!

Emotional roller coaster....get on or get off?!?!?!

This last week for me has been an emotional roller coaster.  I have been really up and then I have fallen into the depths of below.  Other than my poor self image, I can't really focus on what is making me like this.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I know that but I usually wear a sweater over the shirt so no one can see.  But is it time for me to take that sweater off?

I have this issue where I need to be accepted and loved constantly.  Which I know I am by many but for some reason I can't seem to tell myself that.  I get so excited and happy when someone pays attention to me, but then I can't ever seem to get enough.  So when that person or persons don't pay constant attention to me daily, I feel like I have been forgotten or discarded.  I have a good idea where some of this comes from, but still shouldn't I be able to kick this.  I have a ton of fantastic friends on Facebook and some here in town, but I can never seem to get enough.  I feel like, you know I really don't know.  I know that I am insecure about myself, but shouldn't the love and friendship of others finally make me see that I am worth something?

My doctor would like me to try and get off my depression medicine, but right now, I don't see how I can.  If I'm feeling this up and down ON my meds Lord help Jim if I go off of them!!!  I hate to see what I put him through with all of this.  He loves me so unconditionally and yet, I still can't accept the love he shows me.  It never seems enough even from him.  I love him so much.  But yet I feel like I have to have all of this acceptance from others to make me feel like I am worth something.

I try and think of myself positively but I usually just end up ignoring myself.  I don't put myself down as much anymore, so that is good, but I don't think ignoring myself is healthy either.  It's no wonder why I look to make others happy.  Am I unable to actually be happy?  Jim sometimes teases me that I'm not happy unless my life is in complete turmoil.  Could this be right?  I don't want to sit down and dwell on the past, because the past is the past, but is my past still hurting me?  How do I let go of these demons?

It wouldn't be so bad I guess if I didn't let my high's get so high.  That way when an everyday life occurrence happens, it doesn't feel so low.  But I like the feeling of being really happy and full of love and excitement!!!  Why is it that I can help others through times like this but I can not take my own advice.  I know what to do, sort of, but I just can't seem to put it in motion.  I've tried faking it till I make it happen but I know that it is false and to me it's like telling a lie.  It's not true. 

This makes me all so tired.  It's these times where I go to the fridge for comfort, but then that drops me down lower.  Why do I have to make life so hard?  It's not that hard is it?  It can't be....others live happy lives.  So do I choose to stay on this path of destruction or do I find a way to get off.  Naturally, the first thing out of my mouth is to get off....but can I really get off or have I super glued my butt to the seat?

It's time for me to go do something other than dwell on these thoughts.  I choose to change!!!  I just hope I can.

Just thinking

This morning, I retreated to the bathtub to soak and think a few things over.  I know why the tub, well it's a place where I can be alone, there are no outside influences like tv, the kitchen, the dirty house, etc.  I can slip down into the warm water have some white noise playing in the background, and just let my mind wander.  However, my mind has been racing lately.

By accident, I happened to come across a show called "Ruby" on the style channel.  Now I know who Ruby is, from my Myspace page, but I had never seen her show.  If you don't know who she is, she is a woman who weighed I think over or around seven hundred pounds and decided to lose weight and find out why she got to where she was in life.  It's a really amazing story.  I admire her for doing this.  She has lost like three hundred pounds so far, and it's all been by diet and exercise.  No surgery!!!!  Anyway, I happened to click on the show and the episode that was running was one on a six day intensive program.  What the program was is kind of like an addicts detox.  They went through emotions from the past of why they gained the weight and all kinds of things.  In a way that is something I would like to do, but in a way I wouldn't want to do it either.  My past is my past, and I try and keep it that way.  I learn from my mistakes (at least I hope I do) and move on.  Not to mention, that I don't really remember a lot of my childhood and past.  I just know that it was rough, painful, and traumatic.  That's really more than I would care to remember.  Anyway, at one point in the show, one of the women was setting up some pillows for another lady and the leader of the program asked her why she is doing that.  The woman said that she wanted to make sure that the other lady had pillows for when the session started.  The leader replied with did she ask you to do that?  The woman said no.  The leader said then stop it, put them back.  Well long story short, the leader basically told the woman that she does for others so she doesn't have to focus on herself and her issues.

Wow!!!!  Is that really true?  I have been a people pleaser and put everyone else's needs before mine for forever.  But I thought that I was being caring and polite.  Am I really that afraid to deal with my own issues that much?  Is that why it is so hard for me to put myself first?  I just thought it was hard for me to put myself first is because I never felt like I deserved it.  I have always felt like my job was to make everyone else happy around me.  You know....do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Have I been missing the point all of these years?  Will I ever be strong enough to face my demons head on and get past all of my negative self talk, and belittling of myself?  Will I ever really love myself?  They say that you can not truly love someone until you love yourself.  Have I been short changing Jim all of these years?  Will I ever really be happy?  And have I EVER really been happy?

Well now you know just how screwed up my head is.  That is a lot of stuff to think about, and I got all of that from an hour show.  Huh.  I still can't answer those questions.  I think the worst part of it is that those questions gnaw on me bit by bit.  I still truck on through life, I have to, I have others in my life that need my strength.  Or do they?  Have I created a group of people to be around me that need me so I can feel better about myself, or do they truly need me.  Do I make sure that the people around me are able to enable my desires without knowing it so I don't have to make the tough decisions?  Am I not as strong as I thought I was?

So I guess it's time for me to really take a look at me for a change.  I guess I will have to look at how I do things and why a little closer.  That gets so tiring though.  But maybe it's what I need to get me back going.  No one ever told me that this was going to be an easy journey.  And here I thought that the losing weight was going to be the hardest part.  Maybe a lobotomy would come in handy eh?!?!?!  lol

Well I'm tired of thinking for now and I'm starting to look like a California Raisin!!!!  No the computer is not in the tub with me!!!!!  Stop it!!!  lol.  It's time to go take my blood sugar reading and drink some water.  It's still many hours before Jim and Shadow will ever wake up. 

I thank you for listening/reading my insecurities and ramblings.  I'll see you on the flip side....

Another day, another decision

I have had a lot on my mind lately.  Between worrying about a package I sent to a friend in England, some wonky things going on with my body, my sister getting a notice that her psychiatrist is dropping her, money ALWAYS being an issue, and many, many more things, my mind is all tied up in knots.

When I start to feel this way, the first thing I normally do is to either eat or hide somewhere from the world.  Since I am unable to totally break all of my habits, I decided to do some therapy cooking.  I am fine cooking as long as I don't let myself "dip into" the tasting habit.  So I decided that I had some chocolate chips hanging around that I knew I would start searching for to eat if I didn't do something with them.  So I made 4 dozen cookies.  Which I might add I have only had 4 of them in 2 days!!!!  Not bad for a girl that would have eaten 4 plates of them before they even hit the table!!!  Since I had started the cooking process, I decided that I needed to get back to my meal plans.  It makes life so much easier when I have already thought of what to eat for the day.  We eat better when I do that too!!  No throwing things together to make a meal, or eating out because food just doesn't sound appealing to fix.  Not to mention that I usually use my weekends to prepare a ton of food for the week, so if I have a hectic week, there is food ready to throw in the oven or whatever.

With that in mind, I made some hamburgers with cheese stuffed in them so they are ready to throw on the BBQ.  I cleaned out the refrigerator and put all of the food in containers so it's easy for Jim to take it for lunch.  I have created my weekly menu for all of the meals not just dinners.

I started picking up the kitchen and going through a ton of papers to throw away.  I was doing ok as long as I kept busy.  Once I started to stop and do nothing, the depression and thoughts of eating came rushing back.  This usually happens when I have too much on my mind and I don't let any frustration out.  I can usually get rid of a lot of this negative stuff by going to the gym.  But since I haven't been feeling up to par, I haven't been going to the gym this last week. Which is probably why my body is feeling wonky!!!  Oh it's such a catch 22 it's not funny!!  I do realize that most of the problems I encounter are of my own doing.  I don't think I'm happy unless I'm stressed or miserable.  That's pretty sad!!!

But I got through the day without too many issues or food stuffed into my mouth!!!  I wish that some days it was easier and that I didn't have to think about what I am doing so much.  But if I don't think about it, that's when I get into trouble.  I start eating and not taking care of myself and that just makes things that much worse.  So today is yet another day, with more decisions to make.  I can make this change, but wow some days are just killers.  So my decision today is to stay busy and get through the weekend.  I'm not going to throw this weekend away, I will maintain trying to stay focused, but Monday, I hit the grind stone hot and heavy.  If I can't make the choices mentally then I will have to make them forcefully!!!  I will have to push, push, push myself to work through things and not use food to make the choices for me.

I can do this, and I will do this.....I just hope I make it through alive!!!!  LOL.  Here is to a stronger, healthier, happier me.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!!!!

Well I'm not Hispanic and I'm not drinking.....so what's the point of celebrating this holiday for me?!?!?  It's a chance to eat!!!!  Ok for me it's a chance to MAKE some good food!!!

Today I decided that instead of the regular old tacos for dinner, I was going to make my pure protein chicken enchiladas!!!  That's right!!!  No tortillas in this one.

I took some boneless, skinless chicken breasts and boiled them until they were just done.  I let them cool then shredded them with a couple of forks.  Then I took some cream of mushroom soup, sour cream, milk, shredded cheese, and chicken taco seasoning and mixed them all together with the chicken.  Oops, I guess I should tell you to save about a cup of the mushroom soup mixture (without the chicken) so you can pour it on top of the enchiladas after you have rolled them.  My bad....hee hee hee.

As you can see I poured some of the sauce in the bottom of the pan so I wouldn't have to use any cooking spray.  I took some chicken lunchmeat and put about 1/3 of a cup of filling on it and rolled it up. I filled them fairly full since I had a little more cheese in the mixture than normal....we're celebrating right?!?!?!  lol.

I told you I filled them full right?!?!?!  Yummm...  And yes, these are the ingredients that I used, I'm not just selling Land O Frost lunchmeat!!!  LOL.

After I got them all rolled up, I poured the rest of the sauce on top of them and sprinkled some more cheese on top.  I put it into a 350 degree oven and cooked it until the cheese browned.  Everything is already cooked before you put it in the oven so you are more or less just heating it through.  Be sure and let them cool for a little bit before you serve them, or your guests will burn their mouths!!!  I can tell you this from experience!!!

As far as serving sizes....it's up to you.  I personally can only eat one roll up with my tiny stomach.  But Jim, my hubby who is a eater, can usually only eat about 3 roll ups.  So they are very filling!!!!!  And oh sooooo good!!!!!  If any of you try this, please send me some pics or how you liked them.  I would love to add some chilies, onions, and other stuff, but Jim likes them this way.

So that is all we did for the holiday.  We ate then went to bed!!  LOL, we are such party animals!!!  Woot woot!!!!  I hope you all had a fantastic day today and I hope I've shared a new twist to an old favorite.

Until next time......

The weekend is over, a new week begins

This last weekend was one of new adventures for me.  Going to Holly's party was the biggest part, but overall it was a weekend of letting go.  I tried to not worry so much about everything that is happening in my life and live life.  I can't say that I was absolutely successful, but I did pretty good.

Now a new week is about to begin and I am going to strive towards letting go a little bit.  I want to take time for me.  I do however have to take my mom and sister out shopping sometime this week and then to Brown Bag, but other than that, the week is mine.  I have already started cleaning up the kitchen and throwing things away.  I would love to be able to say that I kicked my hoarding habits on my own!!!!  Besides, I am dying to have people come over.  I no longer want to be the one that has to go out to places to see friends.  I would love people to feel comfortable in my home.  Shoot, I would love to feel comfortable in my home.

I am going back to the gym this morning to get back into the swing of things after hurting my back.  These last few days of not going to the gym, have made me feel sluggish.  Not to mention that I can see my tendencies to start eating everything in the house starting up again.  Ugh, I was just conquering that hurdle.  I guess my training for hurdles is still in progress.  LOL.

I'm getting back to preparing a weekly menu and going to stick with it.  Eating out is so expensive now and it's pointless for me to even try anymore.  I am still having trouble eating reheated food, which I guess in a way is a good thing!!  However, it sort of bums me out that the ribs I BBQ'd last night are a one time eat!!!!  But that is ok, I KNOW Jim is going to enjoy them, again and again!!!  Hee hee hee.

I'm not sure what I am going to conquer this week, but I am keeping a positive attitude towards it.  It's time that I tell myself that I am worth it, and to start believing it.  I think it's time after 37 years of beating myself up mentally.  Time to keep my head high, heart hopeful, and life fulfilled!!!

It's my time and I'm going to seize it!!!

Let's get this party started!!!!

Well last night was a blast and a half for me.  Jim and I went to a party at a friends house.  Now for you to understand how tremendous this was, I have to tell you that I haven't been to a party or a friends house in over three years.  I would want to go, but by the time I found something that fit and got past my insecurities, I was so miserable that it wasn't worth going.  No matter how good of a friend it was.  I couldn't even go visit family in Oregon because I couldn't get over my insecurities.  How pathetic is that, that I couldn't even see family and they couldn't get me past my "head".

Well all of that vanished last night.  Now most of these people were friends of Jim's that he went to school with, but one lady in particular had become a good friend of mine.  That lady was Holly.  We had become friends through Facebook.  Holly had read my blog and then befriended me.  That was the start of me coming out of my shell among other things.

Jim and I had been invited to another party earlier in the year by another one of his friends, Randy.  We were unable to make that one, but I am so happy that we were able to make Holly's party last night.  Everyone made me feel so comfortable!!!  It was like I had known these people for years!!!  They didn't see that I was heavy, they saw me for me!!!  I didn't have to go hide in a corner being to afraid to talk to anyone for fear of being judged.  I was actually able to mingle and talk with people!!!  For the first time in a very long time, I didn't even think about my weight.  I could just be me.  The same quirky, fun-loving, smart arse me.  One of the best things about last night was that Jim and I actually got to spend some time out together having fun.  Jim has accepted the "mole" lifestyle I had become accustomed to.  We hadn't been out together on a date or just to hang out in many years.  We had gotten comfortable (well I had at least) with hiding in the house and hiding from the world.  I think I have made his life so dull and lifeless, but if you know Jim he would tell you otherwise.  He is such a support for me, I don't know if I could have done this without him.  Thank you honey, I love you!!!!  Anyway, I didn't have to stay by his side looking for comfort and support.  I was able to let him go off on his own while I met new people.

I can't explain to you in words just how empowering this is for me.  I can be the real me here on the computer, because I know you don't have to see me.  But for me to be able to be me and not hide is better than any drug I could ever find!!!

So I am looking forward to many more outings no matter what they may be.  This has been a long road to travel but I think that this path is starting to get paved and isn't so rocky.  The next thing I need to do is get those boots a walking and continue to put myself out there.  I'm worth it and I'm finally starting to see that.

Thanks everyone who has helped me get this far!!!  You don't know how much your love and support really means!!!  Now let's start getting together....lol