After a long up and down day today, I have decided that I have to go back to my support group for the weight loss surgery. I have been having uncontrolable highs and lows again with crying at a drop of a hat. My eating is out of control again and it doesn't seem to be fazing me. I need help. I'm not sure that I am going to be able to ask for the help tonight but I think just the fact that I'm going is going to help. I don't realize how isolated I keep my feelings and things from all of my friends and family until I have a melt down and everyone comes to me with words of support and care.
Why is this process so hard for me? I'm hoping that tonight will spark something in me to get back on track. The phone call I received from Wendy last night helped get my mind working, but I think I need some more push. So I am going to surrender myself to the group and let down my gaurd, I hope.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Excuses....are they real or denial?
I received a call from my best friend last night. Wendy is actually more than my best friend, she is my soul sister. We have gone through a lot together and we know each other like a book.
Wendy and I have both been heavy ever since we have known each other. Our weight never stopped us from being us. As we get older, we are both traveling the journey of losing weight. Her phone call last night sparked a light in me that hasn't been turned on for awhile.
We talked about all sorts of things, and one of the topics was getting back to us. Doing things for ourselves. We both have families that need us, and I more than Wendy, give way to letting family push me around. Wendy told me last night that it's been almost a year and a half since my surgery and I am no where NEAR where I should be. She told me that everytime she talks to me, I am letting my mom and sister get in the way of my progress.
Here is where the lightbulb came a flickering. Yes, mom and Kelly take a lot of my time, but how much of that is actually their doing and how much of it is me making excuses and using them as scapegoats. I can't believe how hard this is to admit. I spend a lot of time home alone not doing anything. I have exercise DVD's, I can take Shadow for a walk, I CAN exercise I just don't. My eating, I know I shouldn't eat things and amounts that I do, but I am in denial. My actions do not fit my words. That makes me sad to think that I am killing myself. When am I going to quit hiding behind the excuses and face up to me.
I am so afraid of failing, but by staying the way I am now...I'm failing!!! I have a hard time asking for help, weather it's because I don't know what kind of help to ask for, or just that I don't want pitty and asking for help to me feels like I can't do it on my own...that makes me pitiful.
I have been thinking about the current excuses....I have to take mom and Kelly somewhere, I don't have my own car, we don't have the money to pay for my trainer, I have a chest cold. How stupid. FACE yourself!!! I spend my time making busy work but not getting anything done. I need to look in the mirror and find out who and what I am. I used to be more confident, happy, fulfilled. I want that me back, but I'm not sure how to find her again.
Wendy and I have both been heavy ever since we have known each other. Our weight never stopped us from being us. As we get older, we are both traveling the journey of losing weight. Her phone call last night sparked a light in me that hasn't been turned on for awhile.
We talked about all sorts of things, and one of the topics was getting back to us. Doing things for ourselves. We both have families that need us, and I more than Wendy, give way to letting family push me around. Wendy told me last night that it's been almost a year and a half since my surgery and I am no where NEAR where I should be. She told me that everytime she talks to me, I am letting my mom and sister get in the way of my progress.
Here is where the lightbulb came a flickering. Yes, mom and Kelly take a lot of my time, but how much of that is actually their doing and how much of it is me making excuses and using them as scapegoats. I can't believe how hard this is to admit. I spend a lot of time home alone not doing anything. I have exercise DVD's, I can take Shadow for a walk, I CAN exercise I just don't. My eating, I know I shouldn't eat things and amounts that I do, but I am in denial. My actions do not fit my words. That makes me sad to think that I am killing myself. When am I going to quit hiding behind the excuses and face up to me.
I am so afraid of failing, but by staying the way I am now...I'm failing!!! I have a hard time asking for help, weather it's because I don't know what kind of help to ask for, or just that I don't want pitty and asking for help to me feels like I can't do it on my own...that makes me pitiful.
I have been thinking about the current excuses....I have to take mom and Kelly somewhere, I don't have my own car, we don't have the money to pay for my trainer, I have a chest cold. How stupid. FACE yourself!!! I spend my time making busy work but not getting anything done. I need to look in the mirror and find out who and what I am. I used to be more confident, happy, fulfilled. I want that me back, but I'm not sure how to find her again.
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