I normally like to title my blogs before I write them to stay focused on what it is I wanted to tell you all. But today, I don't think I am. I feel like rambling a bit today.
A lot of things have happened since my last blog, of what seems ages ago. There have been many ups and of course downs. I have found strength and lost it again for a time being, only to regain it again. My motivation and purpose are all over the scales once again. The only thing I can say about that, is that no matter what happens, I keep trying again and again. I used to think about that old saying fake it till you make it. I now think that I have played into that for far to long. I have been faking happiness, faking staying on track with my eating and exercise, and worst of all, I have been faking putting me first. Ugh, just re-read that last part and it just hit me hard again. My own self worth still stinks!
In February, I joined a 12 week challenge at my gym for a complete body make over. I even paid $50 to join it. Now I can't afford the trainer, or anything special, I thought that my own competitiveness would push me through. Well I guess my own competitiveness is having a tea party with my will power! I have lost a full month! For what?!?!?! I was wasting money, my life, and any self respect that I may have. I have been told that when the going gets tough, I run. I never thought I really did....but now it's right in front of me. I run and hide. I hide behind excuses that really have no bearing on why I didn't follow through. There is always something that can get in the way, and of course I can always blow things out of proportion especially if it conflicts with something I don't want to do.
So here it is March. I have gone back to the gym once. It felt really good, but I have let my head get in the way again. I have started something new that I have always wanted to do, but it puts me WAY out of my comfort zone. Not only am I a complete beginner at what I have chosen to do but it also puts me in a possition where I am with a large group of people. And these people are thin, feminine, and well self confident. All things I know I lack. But yet again, I wanted to do it so I signed up for it. I am a perfectionist and things normally come easy for me. But this is not and it frustrates me. I do not want to hold the class back. Even though I don't think I do, I feel like I do. I feel like the ugly duckling in it's teen years. In fact I went home from my class early last night crying because I couldn't take my own disappointment. Everything I did seemed wrong. I tried to be strong and keep going but I felt so alone. I have no friends there and I have a really hard time making new friends face to face. I am very shy and feel very cumbersome. Now to let you in on the reality of it all....last night was only my 4th class! My 4th time of doing something that I have never done before, and I am having crying fits because I can't get it. To write it here, I sound so pathetic. I have always prided myself on being a strong woman, but I do believe that somewhere along the line I lost her and that. Either that or I buried her under layers and layers of fat and self loathing.
I was watching "Fried Green Tomatoes" the other day. And I can really relate to Evelyn. I too hide food, am an emotional wreck, searching for things to make me happy, and never quite hitting the mark. There is a part in the movie where she is at a class and they are going to get in touch with that thing that makes them different than anyone. They are going to look at their vagina's. This horrifies Evelyn, as I suppose it would me too. I can not even bare to look at myself in a mirror with clothes on let alone naked!!! It would be nice if everything worked out the way it does in the movies. But gotta have a reality smack once and awhile. And believe me, mine is hitting me right smack in the face.
As the story of my life goes, I am trying once again. I bought some instructional things to help me with my new endeavor and well practice, practice, practice. I have always been horrific with myself and I really am working on letting up on myself. Once again, baby steps. I have been making baby steps for so long though. You'd think I'd learn to walk by now.
So here is to never giving up completely....
