Triggers....they can be more than just food

If you have listened to as many self help, diet tips, doctor recommends as I have you will know that they all talk about triggers.  No I don't mean the horse or the gun...however it leans closer to the gun part rather than the horse..lol.  Triggers are that something that you smell, see, hear, taste that makes you lose control and want to eat.  Well in my life, I have found that I have more triggers than just food issued ones.  Since I am, still, an emotional eater, different things are triggering my need to stuff my face.

For instance, my family is a huge trigger for me.  I am finding lately that the more I am regaining my life back and having fun, my family is becoming a bigger trigger for me.  Maybe it's because I can usually never say no, or maybe it's the years of guilt unconsciously put on me.  Whatever the reason, it is there.  My mom and sister, I realize feel helpless out in the country with no car and no real outlet for interaction with anyone.  But I am trying to break away from the pity party that I used to live in.  So when my mom calls with when can you come out again, or when can you have the car fixed, or I need your help with the mower, or just her frustration, it is starting to get to me.  I find that after I talk to them, I head straight for the food!!  It doesn't matter what it is....it's usually something that I could really care less if I eat it...but my head is on autopilot and the food must enter the mouth.  I think the worst part of it all is that it doesn't even phase me anymore.  It no longer brings comfort to my mind.  Great!!!!  Now what?  So if it's not comforting me anymore why do I still feel the need to do it?  That is a question I'm not sure if I will ever be able to answer.

I have a lot of issues with my past,  most of them I have pushed down so deep that I don't even remember my childhood.  This may be a good thing, but I know that some of my issues are from those times.  But I don't want to go back there.  So is there a point where I can just say....ok the past is the past....move on...make your life count now!!!!  I don't know.  Being a caretaker of family for so long is wearing on me.  I have the responsibility to do this, but I'm getting resentful that the people I take care of have had a life, good or bad, they have actually gotten to do some of the things that "they" wanted to do.  I have never had that opportunity.  I haven't been able to live my life.  I love my hubby dearly, but I find that even he gets put aside when it comes to having to take care of family.  That is not right!!!!  Darn it!!!

I am even having a hard time with other people too.  It's not just family.  I have made some friends online and I am a caring and supportive person, but lately when it comes to people not doing for themselves and looking to me for all their support, I am finding that I am shutting down.  When I shut down I run for food.  Maybe it's selfishness on my part, or maybe I'm finally getting fed up, but either way, I have to retrain something!!!  Either my head or my stomach needs to get an overhaul!!!  Oh wait the stomach got the overhaul....so I guess it's my head.  Why does emotion have to play such a big part in all of this?  I know if it didn't we would all be thin or serial killers right!!!  I need to work on turning my care and support that I normally give freely to others back onto myself.  UGH!!!!  This is a task that I'm going to have a hard time with.  I have been programmed like this for 38 years, how am I going to do it in two years or less, preferably less!!!  I know that all of the support that I am now getting is going to help but it has to start with me.  Why does it always have to start with me?!?!?!  Couldn't I just slip in somewhere along the timeline and just fit in?  Of course not!!!  That would not be my style.  LOL.

So lately, I have returned to previous habits of hiding and ignoring my triggers.  Sort of the out of sight out of mind mentality.  Trust me it doesn't work but it gives me a least a few minutes to try and focus on myself.  Which leads to focusing on someone else, but I'm working on that too.  So if you see me backing away please don't feel ignored, it's my way of rebooting my brain so it doesn't tell my hand to feed my face.

The struggle is still there.

Now remember back when I told you that I was still able to eat a lot of food?  Well guess what....I am on a phase that I can hardly eat anything.  I don't think it is anything medical, but more emotional and stress.  I know me have stress...hahahaha!!!!  But here is an example for you.  I have been making a conscious effort to slow down my eating.  Good....the bites have been fairly small....still need to work on that.....it's very hard to feel like you are eating when the bite inside your mouth is the size of a nickle!!!!  That's nice a bite....that's a piece of food left in your tooth!!!!  LOL.  Anyway, so with all that in mind.....the food is not liking me.  I have tried everything from Eggbeaters to sloppy joes....and yes the sloppy joe meat was the worst!!!  But I was tired and it was quick.  The mornings are still the worst.  It took me 45 minutes the other day to eat a half a cup of just Eggbeaters!!!!  Now that stuff is like Jell-O!!!!  But nope, my little pathway to stomach land was not going to let it pass....not even with the password.....Oh lord please let it go down!!!!