Last night, I had some emotional issues that I thought were resolved, obviously they haven't been. I have been told that I see everything in a negative way. Well let me explain that. When something doesn't go exactly right, I turn it into my fault, that it was something that I did wrong. Now, I personally don't see that I am like this, but I do know that I have some image issues. With all that being said I struggle with how I see things. Is it just my perception of how I see and react to a situation, or did it really happen that way.
I am a very sensitive person when it comes to emotions, and how I am perceived to others and vise versa. So last night was a real struggle for me.
Last night was my intermediate karate class. I was running a little bit late. I walked into class, and there were some people there that hadn't been there in a long time. I fell into line, and proceeded to participate in the class. Jay the normal instructor wasn't there so Adrian was teaching the class. Adrian is a good teacher, he goes slow, and makes sure you understand what it is he is asking of you. The two people that haven't been there are Gerald, he studies Mui Tay and is an advanced student. The other student is Doreen, she is a beginning student. Now the way things work at the gym are that men practice with men and women practice with women.
I am no where near an advanced student, but I have been going to almost every class since I started. I am having issues with the classes even before last night due to how the class is taught, and some tension between the instructors. When I started, Saturday was the self defense class and the Monday and Thursday classes were the Tang Soo Do karate. I was fine with that. Then things started to change. Some of the instructors wanted to learn some new form of karate and it started bleeding over into the karate classes. Not to mention, that everyone had their own style of teaching the moves in Tang Soo Do and everyone wanted you to do it their way and not the way of the other instructors. So Saturdays class was different than Monday's and Thursday's was different than Monday's and Saturday's. The classes started loosing people due to other things (I hope) rather than the style changes. I went with the flow of the classes, I learned the new things etc. I was getting really comfortable with the moves and what I was doing.
Then last night everything changed. I didn't think that Gerald intimidated me but I guess he does. As for Doreen, that is a whole other story. When I first started, she had already gone to a few classes before me. That was fine. When Spencer asked if I would like to join them in practice on Friday's, I felt things started to feel different. I am a very shy person and usually have to have people come up to me to start a conversation. In class I don't say much, and I stand quietly watching and listening. So I know that I tend to portray an array of arrogance. But that is really so not me. Anyway, I felt tension between Doreen and myself. Again, I don't know if this is my perception or if the tension was actually there. But it got to the point that if she was there, I really didn't want to be. I am also a perfectionist and a fast learner so once I learn something and get it down, I want to learn something else. Now we all learn at different levels. Since Doreen and I were the only women in the class, we were always paired together. Which is fine but there was a kind of competition between us, that to me started to feel nasty. It felt like a one up manship all of the time. I don't like that. I lived with that going up and I try and stay away from all of those feelings.
Well it wasn't long before Doreen stopped coming to class. The negative competition seemed to go away. I was doing good, at least the instructors said so. Then last night when I had to work with Doreen again, all of those feelings came rushing back. My self confidence was shot to hell, and I felt like I was a failure. Not to mention that we were doing moves that we haven't done in months, but that is no excuse. Why does this woman bring out these feelings in me. I can't stand to be around her. I would never be rude or ignore her because that is not my nature. I was seriously thinking about quiting the classes, but didn't want to feel like a failure in that I had to quit because of some stupid emotions.
I know I am not explaining this as well as I probably could, because it is an emotional issue for me. I probably sound like I am a royal princess and ego fanatic but I'm really not. I cried all the way home from the gym last night because I don't really want to quit the class but I can't concentrate and really learn when I feel like this. Not to mention, it throws my self esteem into the toilet, and I feel like I lose all of the work that I have done so far.
So what do I do? Do I just put these feelings aside and try and bury them to forget them? That's not healthy. Do I confront her with my feelings? That's not cool. What if I am the only one that feels this way, then I look like a real horses arse. Do I quit? Then I'm letting someone else run my life.
I know I have issues, but I thought that I had them handled. This makes me wonder if I am fooling myself. And yes, I guess that is a negative thought that makes things all about me. But if I continue to think like this, will I ever change? Will I ever be happy? Is it because I'm not happy with how I look? Is it because I'm not sure who I really am? I just don't know.
As it stands, I will be missing the self defense class Saturday, due to taking my mom and sister to a corn festival, but part of it is that I don't want to see Doreen. Is that wrong? It feels wrong, but it also feels like the only way to deal with it right now.
