Wow, what a week!!! Let's see, the friend I had come over in my last post was Arlind. I met him while I was out at my mom's house. Then I met Williams online, actually he found me, when I was out at mom's house and we talk and/or chat daily. It is so nice to have friends again. Although both of these guys are just chatting friends, Arlind is trying to find work, and Williams is in England now but lives in LA, they make me feel really good about myself. There is something about someone else noticing you. Now my wonderful hubby tells me I'm beautiful and wonderful all the time, but I'm sorry to say, he has been sort of put into the catagory of family. You know they have to love you and say nice things about you. Which I don't know how he got put there, but hopefully that will change very soon. Anyway, on with my story....
Ok, it started last Saturday actually. After Arlind had left, I was playing online at Facebook. While I was online, I happened to notice that a friend of mine, Paula, was online too. I started an online chat with her to see how she was doing. It turns out that she had gained some weight and needed some intervention. I was only teasing with her when I told her to get off her butt and we need to go for a hike. Well, she called my bluff!!! Oh no, now what do I do?!?! Think, Tristine, ok when do we want to go? I perked up with how about tomorrow which was Sunday. Paula thought that was great!!! Darn it!!! She called my bluff again!!!! Well I was actually happy. I have hidden myself in the house for far too long. I ran around the house like a crazy woman...I know not a stretch for me...because I was so happy that I was going out. Even though, I wasn't sure how well I would be able to hike. At this point, I haven't been to the gym in MONTHS!!!
Sunday rolls around. I get up do some laundry, fix breakfast for Jim, and clean house for a little bit. Can you tell I was procrastinating? LOL. Finally around 11am I decided to call Paula. She hadn't called me, and secretly I really did want to go on that hike. So I called her to see if she was up for the hike too. She said she was and the funny thing about it was she was hoping that I wouldn't call too!!! Even though she wanted to go for the hike, neither one of us really wanted to get off our buns and go! LOL. So we decided to meet at noon. I looked at my watch and noticed that it was only 25 minutes away. So I jumped into the van and off I went to her house.
When I got there she looked so surprised to see me. Well turns out she hadn't set her clocks ahead, so to her I was an hour early!!! LOL. She got ready and we headed for the American River trail. We had a blast!!! We started off on a trail. Oh by the way, it was Paula, her son Corwin, and myself on this trip. Anyway, we really wern't paying any attention to where we were going, we were just enjoying the fact that we both were out in the sunshine and walking!! It was good to catch up with Paula. I hadn't talked to her in ages. So as we just wandered around we sort of let Corwin pick which way to go, not paying any attention, and we ended up in the thick of things. LOL. We were really trail blazing!!! We came to heavy brush, and rockbeds, you name it, we walked it. The whole time enjoying ourselves. We ended up walking for about an hour and a half. Good times. When we got back, Paula asked if I would like to do this every Sunday, and if I thought that anyone from our support group would like to go too. I told her that I was up for it no matter what. It must have been that fresh air that made me lose my mind! LOL.
The next day was sort of a hard day for me. I was so excited about the day before, and then Arlind was supposed to come over to visit with me Monday. I was running around cleaning the house, and just enjoying life over all. Until....yep the shoe dropped and I think fell on my head!!! It was around noon or so and I still hadn't heard from Arlind. Now I know he's kind of flaky but he is trying to find work and well, he's a guy. The other thing that was getting to me was I hadn't heard from Williams all weekend. I started to feel alone. My head started to go into that dark place of nothingness again, and the depression really kicked in. I had been off of my depression medicine for about a week because I just didn't find the time to go pick up my perscription. Well I should have made time. The later it got and I didn't hear from anyone, the deeper in darkness I fell. I was back to crying uncontrollably again. Later that night we were supposed to meet up with Spencer at DeVeer's for his head shaving and at the time I didn't even want to do that!!! Which if you know me and know how I feel about Spencer, you would know that this was really deep depression.
Jim came home early and just held me for awhile. I feel so sorry for Jim when I'm like this. There is no consoling me. I want closeness but I want everyone to leave me alone. It's a wonder he's stayed with me so long. I am truely greatfull and thankfull for him!!! Anyway, it was getting late and I had told Spencer that we would absolutly be there!!! So I started dinner. I didn't want to eat anything, which in it's self is a wonder. Usually when I am depressed, I eat for about 20 men!!! I made some pork steak and broccoli for Jim and I. Then Spencer called and wanted to know if we would meet him at PF Chang's downtown. We agreed. now it's time to get ready. I had bought a new blouse that I was so excited about. It was a girly blouse, not a dull old t-shirt!!!! I felt so good about buying it!!! So I thought, ok, I need to feel good I'll wear that. I got all dressed up with my new blouse, black jeans (the skinny ones), and my combat boots. I even spent time and put on make up and curled my hair. Now you can see how much Spencer means to me. He's like a brother to me and I want to feel my best when I am with him, because we always have such a good time together.
By the time I got all dressed up and looked at myself in the mirror, I was feeling much better. I actually felt pretty and not like a huge blob of whatever. Of course, Jim told me how beatuiful I looked and I said yeah, yeah, yeah. LOL. So off we went. I took my camera because I wanted to have pictures of Spencer getting his head shaved. He was raising money for cancer. His grandmother is battling cancer right now. So we get at the resturaunt and we are a little bit early. So I asked Jim if he would take my picture, remember I was feeling pretty. He took a couple of shots of me and then went to show me the pictures. I asked him not to because I was feeling good about myself and I didn't want to ruin it! At least I know my limitations right?!?! So we finally met up with Spencer and as always, he told me I looked beautiful which makes my heart soar!!! We met up with his mom and her husband, and one of Spencer's friends Vera. We all sat around and chatted, shared some appetizers, and had a great time. When it was time for Spencer to go to check in for his shaving, I had the waiter take our photo. The first photo he took looked ok but had a glare to it from the window. The next photo...well....I wasn't happy with it, but it wasn't for me, it was for Spencer.
This is the dreaded photo. But like I said, it was for Spencer and I would have done it all again no matter how uncomfortable I was. Anyway I didn't see any of the photos until we got home, so at this point, I am still having a FANTASTIC time!!! Jim, Spencer, and I all walked over to DeVeer's for Spencer to check in. I snapped a few photos of him there and then we went inside to have a beer. Man were they ever crowded!!! But it didn't seem to bother me much. We bought Spencer a beer since he bought our appetizer but more because we wanted to. We stood around waiting for his mom and everyone to arrive. When they got there we headed out to the front of the bar to watch Spencer lose his hair. It was a blast and a half!!! After it was all done, Spencer said goodbye to his mom and friend then came back in the bar to spend time with us. Low and behold, in walks the Mayor of Sacramento...Kevin Johnson!!! We had to get a photo of Spencer with him!!! We weren't sure we would be able to but we were determined to try. Wahoo!!! We did it!! Now I can say that I know someone who has met the Mayor!!!! Yes, I am going to live vicariously through Spencer at this point. LOL!!!!
We all started to walk back to our cars. What a night!!! I had totally forgotten about how bad I felt and was on cloud nine!!!
Jim and I arrive back home. I couldn't wait to get the photos up on Facebook for Spencer!!! In fact I even took a photo of me while at the computer to show how happy I was!!!
This was how I really felt!! Then the shoe dropped again. It's a good thing I only have two shoes or I would have been really bad off. lol. I saw the photos. I couldn't believe my eyes!!! I didn't look like that did I? I felt prettier than that. I felt skinnier than that!!! I felt happier than that!!! What happened? Why is it that I can take a photo of myself at the computer (the above photo) and feel that that is what I look like, but when someone else takes my photo, I feel like I look horendous!!!!
Well the darkness came back. Even through all of the joy I had felt before, the darkness won over. I ended up crying myself to sleep.
The next day I had to take Kelly to her doctor's appointment. I still was not feeling myself. I had told mom and Kelly that I wanted to make this a short trip, I wanted to get home. For a change it actually happened!!! When I got home, there was an e-mail waiting for me from Williams. He said that he was sorry for not being able to get in touch with me. He had a really bad weekend, a friend was in a car accident, and Williams had some trouble getting things in order for his England trip. Ok so now I feel like a heal but I am super excited that I heard from him. Not to mention, when I got home and was online, he was online too. So we got to chat online for two hours!!! Yes, I said two hours!!! He gave me his phone number so we can talk to each other while he's there. That was a new experience to me. I had never called international before. In fact Williams had to walk me through how to even dial the number!! LOL. The phone number had a + in it that you had to dial. Anyway, I talked with him on the phone for a minute, then it was time to go pick up Jim at work.
Wednesday morning, I was still feeling really good. So I decided that I was going back to the gym!!! I got up at 3:30am and got ready and actually WENT to the gym!!! Oh it felt so good to be back!!! I started out slow and only did about 12 minutes on the treadmill. I had the speed up so it wasn't like I was just strolling, I was really walking!!! Then I put in about 20 minutes of strength training. Oh that is what I miss the most. I wasn't able to start at the weight that I left off on but I'm still up there with the pounds that I'm lifting!!! Once again, I felt like I could rule the world!!!
Then it was time for me to go out to mom's house again for her physical therapy. I again wanted to get home early because I wanted to talk with Williams. Since he is in England, when it's 12:30 here it's 7pm there!!! So we don't get to chat much unless it's before I go to the gym or sometime during lunch. I took mom and Kelly out shopping and to Long John Silvers for lunch. Which I am finding that eating out is totally pointless for me now!! I got two pieces of fish and took all the breading off of one piece and ate it. Then I was done!!! I couldn't even think about eating anything else. I was afraid as it was that the piece I ate was going to come back up!! Anyway, I got them home and I was able to be home in time to chat online.
Thursday, I did absolutely nothing and it felt wonderful. I didn't do dishes, laundry, nothing!!! I just lounged around the house with Shadow. I didn't even go to the gym!!!! But I was still feeling good about myself and at this point, that's all that matters. I did however make a corned beef for Jim in the oven. I wanted to be able to eat before we went to the support group meeting that night. He ate wonderful smelling corned beef and I ate cottage cheese!!! LOL. But I didn't want to take a chance that it would get stuck or worse, I know what could be worse....it comes back up and I can't eat until my throat calms down. So I didn't eat any and didn't have to worry.
Before the meeting, we stopped by to see Liz my sister-in-law. We visited for awhile and had a nice time. I am really digging this hanging out with people again!!! I must say it is quite nice!!! We stayed for about an hour then we were off to the meeting. All of my favorite people were there!! It was so good to connect with them again. I really missed them all. Paula brought up going out for our hike and I think we actually got a few takers to go with us!!! When we left the meeting, I was amped once again. Made it kind of hard to go to sleep but once I put on my CPAP.....it was all over...Zzzzzzzz
Which brings me to yesterday. Are you tired of reading yet?!?! Sorry, no really I am but if you had as much happiness flowing through you as I do right now.....wow I could put the energizer bunny out of business!!!! LOL. I once again got up and went to the gym. Only this time, I was too excited and got there too early!!! So I had to rock out in the parking lot until they opened. It was only half an hour so it wasn't that bad. I hopped on the treadmill again and went for my normal thirty minutes. I did it with no problem My heart rate was at a constant 150 bpm and I wasn't breathing too heavy!!! Yeah!!!! Then I went downstairs and put in some more strength training!!!
When I got home, I was tired but to excited too!!!! I ended up taking a little nap then Jim and I had to go run some errands. We stopped for lunch and I got the shock of a lifetime!!! I had ordered a salad and Jim and I were talking waiting for our order, when it hit me. I was sort of bummed that I had only lost a pound this week, when I thought hey, I am only 5 pounds away from my lowest weight since surgery!!! Then I got thinking some more and figured out that I am only 17 pounds away from having lost 100 pounds!!!! OMG!!!! I couldn't have been happier!!!! I was flying in the clouds AGAIN!!!!! When we got home, I had to e-mail everyone I know and post on Myspace and Facebook what just happened. I was still feeling so good that I told Jim that I would mow the lawn so he wouldn't have to put stress on his knee. I went flying through that lawn like there was no tomorrow. It was tall too!!! Anyway, my day ended just as high as could be.
Now I am waiting for my clothes to dry so I can go off to the gym again!!! Oh what a wonderful feeling!!! I think this time, I've got it!!! I think that this time my head is under control. By the way, I STILL have NOT eaten any rice, pasta, bread, or sugar!!!! I think that I'm going to just keep it up even past Easter. I have sort of lost most of the cravings and I don't want them back!!! I want to be under 300 pounds by October. I think I can do it, and if life keeps going the way it is, I KNOW I can do it!!!!
