Keeping promises to my baby

RIP Shadow 1/1/1999 - 5/14/2011

Everyone, this is my baby Shadow. Isn't she a sweetheart! She has been my love and my life for the last 12 years now. We were inseparable. Where there was one you would find the other. I even made my hubby's life hell with no vacations for 12 years because I couldn't stand to leave her. The only time that I EVER left her was for my lap band surgery in October of 2008. And that was for two and a half days! I think I was more sick over it than her. She was such a good girl. She could be a pill but I never minded. She would look up at me and I would melt. Yep she had me wrapped around her little toe.

You may be wondering why I am talking in the past tense. Well, it's because my baby is now gone. Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Back in late August of 2010, she was having trouble going potty. Poor thing would squat for what felt like hours sometimes trying to go potty. We took her into the vet to see what was wrong (which she hadn't seen a vet for most of her life). Turns out she had a bladder infection that was really really bad. It was ECOLI of all things. But the vet said it was common just not so high. He gave us some medicine and we took her home.

About a week later she started having trouble with her back legs. It was hard for her to walk. Her back legs were wobbly and she was losing control over them. I took her to the vets office to see what was wrong. They ran some tests, took some x-rays and came up with that she had some swelling in her spine and the nerves were getting pinched. I was given some steroids (Prednazone) for her and she was back to normal in what seemed like hours!!! But a few days later she didn't want to eat. This for Shadow was very strange. My baby was always ready to eat! Back to the vet again. Turns out she was diabetic and her sugars were 527!!! The vet prescribed some animal insulin and we went home. We went through all of this trying to get her sugars down for about a month on the animal insulin. She got cataracts shortly after that and went completely blind. But that didn't seem to stop her. She stumbled her way through the house until she got the hang of it. She then got really bad and really didn't want to eat or drink at all. Back to the vet. The vet looked at us and said if she doesn't get better in a couple of days, I think I would put her down. Broke my heart!!! I sobbed uncontrollably. I held my baby tight and promised that I would fight for her life is she was willing to do the same. That night I went home and cooked her meals. I ground up chicken, vegetables, rice, you name it. If it was healthy and good for a diabetic (me being one as well) then I made it for her. She had gone from 50 pounds down to 32 pounds when we took her into the vet. I searched the web for better foods for her and combinations so she wouldn't get tired of the same old thing. She started eating again and eating good! We took her back to the vet and he was amazed! Since the animal insulin wasn't working the vet decided that it was time to try human insulin. We did human insulin for a couple of months until finally she got her sugars down to 70!!! The vet pulled us aside and asked what are you doing with her? Told him nothing just doing what we have always done. He said I'm amazed, keep it up her sugars had gone from 248 to 70! My baby was doing good!!!

About a month and a half ago, she got another bladder infection. Or it could have been that we never really got rid of the first one. Either way, I wanted her to go back in. We again got the medicine for the ECOLI infection. About a week after that, she got a sore on her gum right where her lower canine is. Me being the ever so worrisome mother....back to the vet. They did blood work and all sorts of things. Silly me, I thought that they were doing the biopsy on the mass on her gum. No turns out the blood work was for it but since the biopsy was another $523 and we didn't say ok (not that we were even asked...we were there for that) We went home $300 later that day waiting for the results of everything. About 3-4 days later, I call about the results of the biopsy. That's when they told us, they never did one that it would cost extra. But the blood work for it was still good for the rest of the month so we wouldn't have to do that again. I was miffed to say the least. By this time, we are rapidly approaching no money. I keep an eye on her mouth to make sure it doesn't get worse.  A couple of weeks after that, she starts loosing control of her back legs again. I take her back into the vet but our normal vet is not there. I see someone different again! The vet runs xrays, tests and keeps her all day with an iv and pain medicine. Again I am away from my baby and it is killing me! The vet calls and says that it's neurological. Well doesn't that mean the brain? I was beside myself. I told her that it had happened before and the vet gave us steroids and she was fine. Well after all was said and done I ended up with the steroids, pain medicine, and a $800 vet bill. But the medicine wasn't working like it did the time before. She kept getting weaker and weaker until Mother's Day (of all days) she has a horrible seizure in the morning. Both Jim and I thought we had lost her. I have never seen anything like what she went through. All I could do was to hold her and tell her its ok...mommy's here. She came out of it and I called the vets office. Damn vet...never told me that a side effect of the pain medicine was seizures. I took her off of them and the vet said if she needs pain medicine they would search for something else. That day she was ok. Spent the day here at home with mom and sister over for a BBQ (the idea was for a stress-free day, never was). But she was feeling better and mom and sister got to spend some time with her (didn't know it would be the last time). 

A couple of days later, I call the vet and ask for some different pain medicine, her legs were getting weaker. It was hard for her to squat and get up and down the steps on the porch, and to the bed (one of her favorite places). That evening Jim and I went to go pick up the new medicine. Right when we got home, I instantly researched it to see what all the side effects and such were with it. When I felt halfway comfortable with giving it to her, she got it that night. But the pain medicine was doing no good and wasn't helping. My baby never complained not once. But I could see that she was getting worse by the day. Thursday the 12th I called Jim and work just crying my eyes out, telling him that I needed the car Saturday that I need to talk to the vet. OUR vet about Shadow. I could see her starting to suffer and I couldn't let it happen. I told Jim that if she's not better on Saturday and the vet says nothing more can be done then I'm going to have to put her down. I can't ever let her suffer. Those next few days were hell on earth!!!! I could see her getting worse by the day but never did she complain. She was by my side every minute of the day no matter what I was doing. It killed me that rather than laying on the couch while I was in the kitchen, she wanted me to bring her bed in the kitchen so she could be with me. I knew she knew the time was getting close. I tried so hard to keep my tears and pain from her. I never wanted her to see me sad or in pain. Ever since I got her she KNEW that her job was to protect mommy. I had to make sure that she knew I was ok. On Friday, I had left her sleeping on the bed and went to take a shower. I left the door open a crack so she could hear where I was. When I opened the shower curtain when I was done, she was standing there beside the tub just waiting for me. She had dragged herself off the bed and stood waiting for me to finish my shower for who knows how long. That's just how strong my baby was. Saturday came and I knew it was time. No matter how much it made me sick, both physically and mentally, I couldn't let her suffer any more. She was so tired. So Saturday I had a special day planned for her and I.

This is what we did: (I wrote this as a note on Facebook and I'm reposting so I don't have to write it all over again, this BLOG is hurting enough now)

Saturday we woke up and got ready to take Jim to work. She was so excited to go for a ride! Her favorite thing!! I gave her the front seat (actually she would allow me to sit there every once and awhile but that seat was hers!) while I sat behind her with my arms wrapped around the front seat petting and keeping her warm. We dropped Jim off and came home to snuggle under the covers for awhile. She snuggled up close to me and started to snore. :o) It was time to head to the vets to talk to him about her. Again she was ready to go and was jolly on the spot at the front door. We headed out as I could see the huge smile on her face as she sniffed at the wind. I asked her to wait for mommy in the car, that I would be right back. I went into the vets stand in line to see the dr., turn around and Shadow had crawled from the passengers side to the drivers side waiting for me. A huge smile came over my face knowing how hard that was for her but she didn't mind....she was out for a ride with her mommy. I talked to the vet and agreed that nothing more could be done. I cried all the way back to the car but didn't want her to see me like that. Not my strong little girl. She didn't need to see her mommy grieve. I let her out to walk around and go potty, oh all the smells at the vets. She could walk around and sniff for hours if you would let her. I got back to the car and helped her back into her seat again, and we headed off. I had brought her insulin and medicine with us and we were off to the park. I could see the smile on her face as we walked through the park. Didn't matter that she was blind and had trouble walking, she was happy. We found a sunny place to sit for just a minute so I could give her the insulin. She wanted nothing to do with the hot dogs that had the medicine, she wanted to walk and sniff some more. So I put them away and we went on. I saw she was getting very tired (and only after about 10 minutes) so I said to her come on baby lets go home. She reluctantly came back to the car but I could tell she was exhausted. I picked her up and we headed home again. Once home we crawled up on the bed....we couldn't forget those hot dogs!!! I gave her the hot dogs and she laid down and wanted me to lay next to her. She kept looking up at me like why are you sitting there....come lay down mommy. We took a little nap and it was time to get ready to go see Jim for lunch. I had made a tri tip the night before and was cutting it up for Jim and Shadow to share. She came into the kitchen and laid on her bed right at my feet waiting for me. And you know that a few slices just happened to get picked off the board and given to her. We got back in the car and again she was ready to go. I stopped off at Del Taco for something for me (even though I knew I couldn't and wouldn't eat with them). Shadow barked at the homeless shuffling by. She didn't care that she couldn't see them....she knew they were there!!! And it was her job to scare them away!! We got to Jim's work and she was so excited. She told Jim that he had to take her out to go potty before they could eat. She could be a bit pushy that way. :o) They came back to eat what she KNEW was her tri tip!!! She sat there just waiting for every bite so patiently. She is such a good girl. We told Jim good bye and it was time to go home and rest. She was getting very tired and so was I. I had kept it together for many days now but as I saw the clock it was getting harder and harder to keep it from her. We got home and her poor legs were so tired that I had to help her up after she had sat to pee. Even now she would let me help her but she still wanted to do it on her own. My tough little baby. We went to the bedroom and laid down. It was hard for her to find a comfortable spot to stay laid down at. Until I offered her my pillow. Of course my princess accepted!!! She was finally comfortable and we were close. I wrapped the blanket around us and we laid there watching tv and dosing on and off. It was then time to go pick up Jim at work and then off to the vets. Even though she was so tired, still she was ready to go! We picked up Jim and I held her in my arms all the way to the vets. She loved that! Didn't have to worry about wobbling or keeping her balance. Mommy had her and she could do whatever she wanted. Still smiling and being happy. We got to the vets.....and all I'm going to say is that I held her in my arms as she peacefully went to sleep. She was calm and comfortable in my arms.

Good bye my sweet baby....go play and have fun now. Mommy will be ok, I promise.

 Going home was the hardest part. Neither Jim or I wanted to walk into the house and not see her wiggling bounding body waiting for us. I couldn't lay on the bed without knowing that she would be climbing up ready to take her half of the bed right out of the middle. Shadow and I always shared my pillow as she snuggle up to the back side of me until I started to sleep then she wanted under the covers. That night I don't think Jim and I slept at all. I kept waking up when she would normally need to go out and go potty. I would reach down to pet her and she wasn't there. I couldn't stay in the house yesterday. But going out in the car (her favorite thing...going for a ride) again made me miss her even more.

I did have some time with her yesterday morning, just her and I. I got up and I could feel her with me by my side as we walked into the kitchen to start Jim's coffee, into the bathroom as I sat to go potty, I could feel her rubbing against my legs wanting her butt scratched. To taking out the garbage while she waited for me at the front door. We sat on the couch and I promised her that mommy would be ok. She doesn't have to protect mommy anymore. I will be strong for her and not be sad for too long. She hated it when I was sad. She would do everything in her power to make me happy. She was the only one. Not even my poor hubby can do that. I felt at ease and knew that I couldn't let her down. I would go  back to school, get my weight off, and most of all be happy again. She knew I would be lost without her to take care of, and I can't have her unhappy for anything. So I will keep my promise to her and keep on with life.

This morning I knew was going to be my test. The days were our time, while Jim was at work. I tried to maintain my regular routine, get up make Jim his breakfast and lunch and get him off to work. Then I tried to stay strong. I went into the bedroom where Shadow and I would lay for another 20 minutes or more depending on her mood. I grabbed her collar and held it tight. Told her I loved her and missed her greatly. Promised again that I wouldn't just lay around today. I would keep busy and do the things that needed to be done. Life continues on even though I'm not here I could hear her say to me. So I got up went in and was getting ready to take my shower when I looked down and Jim had put the toilet seat down. I stated to ball my eyes out. NEVER did we leave the seat down. Shadow wouldn't drink from anywhere else! I lifted the seat and turned on the water. I noticed that I still left the door open for her to come in. Took my shower crying the whole time thinking that she would be standing there waiting for me to finish again. Opened the curtain and she wasn't there. Took a deep breath and started getting ready. Came out to the kitchen opened my laptop with her face on my screen so I could see her and made a sorry excuse for breakfast (1 EggBeater and a sausage). I knew I wouldn't be able to eat any more than that. I turned the screen so I could see it from the front room and spent breakfast with my baby. Talking with her but mostly just staring at her photo. I finished the egg and had to force myself to eat the sausage. The last bit of my breakfast was ALWAYS hers. No matter what it was. And she usually got the largest portion of it! Just as I picked up the sausage, the screen saver came on, almost as if she was saying eat it mommy, I'm not here and you need it. I finally was able to eat it after awhile. I got up and put some clothes on and turned off all of the phones and the answering machine. Called my mom and Jim and told them. I needed time, just some quiet for me to spend saying good bye and getting closure with Shadow. I went out and mowed the lawn, she hated when the lawn was too tall, especially if it was wet. And the lawn was too tall and was going to be very wet soon. So it had to be done. She used to come out and stand at the porch watching me until I came close to the house again and she would come run out for me to give her a kiss and some petting before I went around again. Every time, so she would get at least 10-15 kisses and pets with me mowing the lawn. And in true tough fashion....mowing over her poopies did nothing. The withstood the force of the lawnmower, which made me cry even more. Silly how simple stupid things like that mean so much after the fact. I got it all done and looking nice for her. Came back in the house and the way for me to cope with anything is for me to write. So I thought that writing this BLOG would release some emotion for me, and it has. I have a pile of tissues to prove it. But I know that she will live on in these words and thoughts of mine forever. I know she will always live on in my heart and mind but now I have shared her with you.

Once again I have promised her only a few days of sadness and my time is running out. Today is my last day to mourn no matter how I may want to for longer. The days to come are for celebrating her life and the time we spent together. So I will do my regular house duties and everything that I did with her and cry until I am dry today. For tomorrow I must be strong and keep my promise. She was strong for me, I have to do the same for her.

I love and miss you very much my sweet girl. You were and still are mommy's world. I will see you again and it will be as though we have never parted. You will always hold that special place in my heart baby. You don't have to be strong anymore little one, go and play and have fun. Mommy is ok now. Good bye but never forgotten!! <3