It has been forever since I posted only because I have not felt worthy of anything to post. Life is continuing to be a struggle for me. I am constantly caught between what I feel and what I know. With this being said I feel I must explain. I have been feeling lonely. Not that I really am, but that I feel like I am. I chat with friends online and by phone but I still seem to feel alone. Maybe because I am not happy with myself. A good friend told me that you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself. Well I'm not sure if I believe that. I do to a point....but I feel that I love those I love truly and deeply. I guess it goes to more of being able to give of yourself. But there again, I feel like I give myself freely to those I love. Or maybe it's that I analyze things too much....lol...me?!?!?! What ever the cause...I am having a hard time finding the solution. I am struggling with getting back to the gym too. Another thing that I love that I have pushed away. I can feel myself crawling back into my safe dark hole again. I can use an excuse that I hurt my back...but it's been healed for a week now. I can say that it's costly and that the gas is too expensive, but I have a bicycle, there is no reason I can't ride there. I can't say as I enjoy being at home all the time, but I am finding it hard to get out anymore. I don't want to be seen. I am ashamed of myself and don't want people to see that I am failing.
I have never really been afraid of anything in my life but one thing, and that is failure. I can't allow myself to fail, or more than that...I can't allow anyone else to see me fail. Now before you jump to my defense and say that I have accomplished so much in my life and that I should be happy, I need to let you into my mind a little bit. I don't like to think that I have any mental issues but I do believe I have. I do suffer from depression and take medicine for it but I think it is more me than a chemical imbalance. I could be wrong....but that is how I feel. I have admitted that I am a Hoarder. I have been strong enough to be able to slowly try and get over it on my own. My self esteem is always in the toilet!! I have a problem accepting compliments. I have however grown to learn how to fake accepting them, but they never really reach my head. But most of all I'm not sure if I know how to be happy. I have always worried about making sure that everyone around me was taken care of. I have heard that that is a way of not thinking about myself. I can see that. If I am involved doing something for someone else, I don't have to see what I think are failures in my own life. I can show all of you my wonderful traits and accomplishments but they are only things. It's like the difference of wanting something and needing something. I want and like all of the kudos I get from all the things I do, but I need for myself to really believe that I am worth those kudos.
I tried my hand at smoking some beef ribs last night. I was so excited that I posted all over Facebook about how I was doing them and what they looked like and smelt like while they were cooking. Many of my friends were telling me how wonderful a cook I was and that they couldn't wait to see them. It was down to the last couple of hours of them cooking. They were looking really good and juicy!!! Now I know that at this point in cooking, you never get distracted. Well I did. It's not important with what distracted me but that I wasn't watching my cooking. I went out to pull them off of the BBQ and they were ruined!!! The had turned into beef jerky on a bone! My heart exploded and instantly vanished. I brought them in the house and told Jim that they were ruined. He couldn't believe me...until he saw them. All that hard work and boasting, maybe that is what I'm to learn, how to be humble. Anyway, they were ruined. My head instantly clicked off...there was no reasoning with me. Jim tried to tell me it was ok, but that infuriated me even more. I don't like pity and that is what it felt like even though I know, logically, that it was far from pity. I wanted to be left alone, completely alone. I couldn't keep myself from crying, even now it is bringing tears to my eyes. I went to bed at 5:30pm and didn't wake up until 5am this morning. I still couldn't face my friends on Facebook that they were ruined. But I didn't want a ton of messages on my phone asking what the FAIL message was on my page. Why did I find it sooo necessary to post just a simple FAIL if I don't want anyone to know that I failed. Do I secretly want or need pity or consoling? But once I posted it, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I am forever crying for help but then pushing it away and not accepting it.
Even as I write this, I am thinking that I need to tell my close friends to read it, but do I really want them to know just how messed up I am? I know that they will love me even if they don't understand, and still love me even if they do understand. I have always been my own worst enemy but I am finding that my fighting style with myself is turning into gorilla warfare. I'm not sure what it is I need to do to change and I hate having to constantly post it here. I don't want all of you to think that I am a sniveling, pathetic, human. But I find that when I need to let it out, it comes here. So please understand that I just need to let it out. I don't expect any of you to do anything, I just need to see what I am thinking on paper so to speak. I am hoping that one day I will see all of this writing as silly dribble, but until then.....well It's me.
So I thank you all for reading, and you all bring such good things to my life. I do appreciate it even if I can't really show it. Love you guys!
