We are having a BBQ with friends and family on Memorial Day. Which for me is a fantastic way to spend a holiday. I get to cook like I like to cook, sit back and enjoy some quality time with people I love, and feel like I'm living a normal life.
The down side however, is that my own expectations of how things should appear is totally out of touch. Like I have said before, I am a horder. What that means is that I used to, and sometimes still do, buy things that make me momentarily happy but then never use them again. I do however still store, ok leave them lying around, until I can't take it anymore then I either box them up or give them away. But this doesn't happen very often.
So with that being said, you can imagine how my house looks. Well actually you probably can't, as to tell it doesn't even begin to get close to seeing it. Anyway, my head kicked in yesterday that I had to clean. Not just because Spencer has never seen my house, but because people were coming over. I hate to have service people come over because the house is such a mess. I know, you ask, if the house is in such disarray why not just clean it. You have to understand that most of these items, even though it was momentary happiness, still hold emotions for me. It's like giving up photos of loved ones. It is really a sickness, but I won't allow myself to get that bad. So in a way I guess I have it under control. Not to mention, that there is a ton of stuff to go through. I really don't know where to start. It's overwhelming.
Now it's time to clean. Where do I start? Okay, the necessary places first, the kitchen and the bathroom. Jim, bless his heart scrubbed the toilet for me without being asked. That shows you what kind of man I married!! I started on the kitchen. Wholly cow!!!! I haven't seen my kitchen table for years and now I expect to have my kitchen spotless?!?!?! But I continue to clean. Wash all of the dishes, countertops, etc. It took me all day and even though Jim says he can see a difference I can't. Because it is not done, it doesn't look any different in my eyes.
I had to take a break from cleaning, so I decided I'd do some laundry. Let the washer do some heavy lifting for awhile. LOL. But I couldn't stay away for long. I had to go back in and keep going.
Our meals yesterday were pathetic also. Since I was so focused on cleaning, I didn't want to think about eating. I didn't want to eat out either because that costs money that we don't need to spend. So breakfast was a bowl of cereal and a banana. Lunch was egg salad sandwiches, and dinner was leftover lemon chicken (which got better the longer it sat), and some leftover potatoes. Not very healthy, but I was working off the calories scrubbing.
I did however get some things done for the BBQ!! I made the potato salad, brownies, crystal light, iced tea, got the corn shucked, made the rub for the ribs and got the ribs defrosted!! Woo hoo. I actually felt like I was superwoman there for awhile. LOL. But I am bound and determined to be able to spend time with my company and not be like a 50's housewife that is always in the kitchen. Although I do have that same mentality. I am a people pleaser and if I don't think things are going to be just perfect for everyone else, I will work myself to the bone (and have done this many a time). But I digress. I had to quit at 8pm last night, I was just too tired.
I know my house is not going to turn people away. They are here to see us not my house. But still I can't get that thought out of my mind that they will be repulsed at how I live. The BBQ is going to be held outside even, but the thoughts are still there. I'm not sure if I will ever get over these feelings even after I lose the weight and have control of the house. I think I will always be over critical of myself and how I appear to others. Don't get me wrong, I never portray to be someone I'm not. That just isn't how I am. But I always want people to see the best of me and not the vulnerable, insecure me. It's like putting on a happy face because you don't want others around you to either notice or you don't want to bring them down either. So for now, I'm going to try and suppress these feelings and have a good time. I know I'll have a good time, I'm with the people I love.
