January 27, 2010
Dear Family and friends,
I hope the new year is treating you all well. I am sorry that it seems like the only time you hear from me is in these form letters. I will try and work on that, but until then I have some news for you all. I am going to apologize up front for this letter being so long. But here it goes.
Sunday, January 24th, mom and Kelly went over to the neighbors house to help build some shelters for the neighbors horses. This is what I understand to have happened.
There was a guy (David) who was carrying some t-stakes (that mom was letting the neighbor use) and while he was walking in front of mom, who was carrying a wrench, he slipped, tripped and fell next to a horse that was tied up. When he fell he spooked the horse and it started to turn it’s body to get away from David. While the horse was moving, mom noticed that the horses rump was turning toward her direction. Mom had turned her back to the horse to get out of the way, but the horse was faster than mom. The horses rump bumped mom’s backside and knocked her into the mud and muck. The mud that they were working in was a mixture of clay, straw, mud, and horse manure. Mom fell on her knees, then on her front side. To our best guess, mom fell with her left arm under her and the right arm (the one holding the wrench) out in front of her. She was covered from head to toe with muck. The neighbors jokingly asked her how it tasted, and of course mom replied that it tasted like shit!!! Once they cleaned her off, the neighbors had mom sit on a tire to make sure she was okay and for her to catch her breath. Mom didn’t remember, but the neighbor told me that mom was sort of out of it and looked spacey for just a moment, so she had someone walk mom and Kelly home.
When mom and Kelly returned home, mom called me to let me know that she had fallen. Mom called me about 2:30pm. I asked her how she felt and if she needed to go to the hospital. She didn’t think anything was broken and thought that she would wait it out. I told her that I’m going to call her back in two hours and see if she was still in pain. At that time she could wiggle her fingers, and there was no numbness that she felt, but her shoulder was hurting.
I called mom back in two hours and she thought that it was time to go to the hospital. She could still wiggle her fingers and there was still no numbness, but her shoulder was really hurting her. So Jim and I drove out to the house. It was about 5:30pm by the time we got mom to the emergency room. I checked her in, thank goodness I became her power of attorney, and had her sit down until the triage nurse called us up.
It wasn’t very long before they called mom up to take her information about what happened. It seemed to be taking forever for the nurse to take the information. Mom started feeling woozy, so she bent over in the chair to get some form of relief. Then while the nurse was taking her blood pressure mom became unresponsive. To me, it looked like mom was having a stroke. Her eyes got sort of glossy, her mouth hung open, her face was limp, and we couldn’t get her attention. I was tapping on her cheek and rubbing her hair calling mom and she wouldn’t respond. She wasn’t blinking or anything. The nurse was tapping on her chest and her arm and she couldn’t get any response either. This went on for a couple of minutes. The nurse took her blood sugar and never finished because we couldn’t snap mom out of it. Mom came too and didn’t remember any of it. So the nurse called for a gurney and they took mom right back into the ER. They immediately set her up and took an EKG and some blood work. Once mom was laying down she felt much better. We were never really told, but I am assuming that her EKG and blood work came out fine.
We were in the hospital for about four to four and a half hours. They took X-rays and determined that mom definitely had a broken shoulder and possibly a broken wrist. Here is where the fun begins. The left arm is the shoulder break. The way the doctor explained the break was that mom’s shoulder is like a ice cream cone and a scoop of ice cream. The break is right below the scoop of ice cream and above the cone. It is a straight across break which is a good break and will heal well. She also broke part of the “scoop” part of her shoulder but it’s not bad enough to worry about. When mom broke her shoulder it sort of jammed the cone part into the scoop part so it’s a very solid break. Then the right arm is the arm that the wrist is broken. It also is not a major break but it is a break. The break is right at the wrist where it bends.
After we are told all of this, they tell us that mom can go home, and that she has an appointment the next day to talk to a surgeon. I didn’t like the sound of the surgeon, but I liked the fact that mom could go home. A technician came in to wrap her up so she could go home. Well he acted like he didn’t know what he was doing. Not to mention that he didn’t speak very good English so he was hard to understand. He got mom put in a sling for her shoulder and wrapped her wrist up to the elbow. The discharge nurse came in and gave mom some milk of magnesia, Motrin, and a purkoset for her to go home on.
When we left the hospital, we were all starving, so we stopped at a Jack in the Box. We picked up some food and took it to mom’s house. Once we got there, I hate to say, but it was the funniest thing to watch mom try and eat these tiny burgers with two fingers and a broken wrist. She managed, but if we had video taped it, we may have made a ton of money on America’s funniest home videos. We got her set up in her recliner with some blankets and a fire and then Jim and I had to head home.
I arrived back at mom’s house around 7am the next morning. She slept ok but was freezing because the fire had gone out in the stove. I made a fire and mom and Kelly fell back asleep for a few hours before it was time to go back to the hospital.
Mom’s appointment was at 10:30am. When we got there we were a little late but luckily they still took her. When the doctor came in we got a little better news. Yes, mom’s shoulder was broken, and yes, her wrist was broken but she is not going to have to have surgery. Yeah!!! The doctor fixed mom’s sling (remember we thought that the technician didn’t know what he was doing, well he didn’t) so the sling took some of the pressure off of her shoulder. The only bad news was that for the broken wrist, mom was going to have to be in a cast up OVER her elbow. The reason the doctor decided to do this is to make sure that the wrist stayed separated so when it healed, she would still have good range of motion with it. As for her shoulder, they are not putting it in a cast but she has to keep in a sling and immobile for 6 weeks. We had to wait for someone to come and get mom to put the cast on. While we were waiting, mom felt woozy again. I told the doctor that this is what happened the night before in the ER. The doctor had mom lay down and had a nurse come in and take mom’s blood pressure laying down then sitting up. Then the nurse came in, mom’s blood pressure was 113/60, when she sat up her blood pressure went to 103/60. The doctor explained that her spacing out phases were due to being dehydrated. Once mom was given some water she felt fine and it hasn’t happened since. Then we headed over to get her cast and that went really fast and of curse, mom picked out the hot pink for her cast color.
I took mom and Kelly to Jimboy’s for some lunch to take home. Well when we got home we figured out that mom can’t feed herself at all! There is no way she can get her utensil to her mouth. I ended up cutting up moms lunch for her and feeding it to her. I now realized how much mom was not going to be able to do. Such simple things like talking on a phone, cleaning up after going to the bathroom, brushing her teeth, and scratching her nose are all but impossible. I stayed with mom and Kelly until about 3pm. I have not decided if I need to move in (which I think I’m going to have to) or not. Kelly is trying her hardest to do things for mom but there are just some things that she can’t do.
As for now, things are going good. If you call mom, Kelly will answer the phone but then ask for mom and Kelly will put the phone on speaker phone so mom can talk to you. Kelly is having a hard time explaining what has happened.
Mom is currently on Motrin and Vicodin for the pain and swelling. She is able to get up and move around, in fact I’m taking her shopping Thursday.
Mom has an appointment in two weeks to make sure her shoulder is healing like it should. In four weeks, the doctor will take the cast off of her arm and put on a shorter cast. The cast won’t go over her elbow so she will be able to use that arm somewhat again. Then hopefully after six weeks the sling will come off. Mom will have to do some physical therapy afterwards but the doctor thinks that that will be a breeze.
Then on March 9th, mom goes in to have cataract surgery on her left eye I believe. In April they will be working on her other eye so she will have decent eye sight again. Then hopefully mom will stay out of trouble and not break or bruise anything else.
So that is what’s going on as of now. I’m sorry this was a ton to read but I thought that it would be easier to read, then have me try to tell you all over the phone.
That’s all for now. I’ll try and keep you all up to date as I can.
Tristine
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Where has the month gone?
It's the 19th of the month already!!! Where did the first half of the month go?!?!?! I may have eaten it and not known it.....sadly that could be a possibility.
Today is my appointment for an ultrasound on my liver. I'm going to see if the mass in my liver has turned into an alien yet! To bad Halloween is so far away. I guess I could save it until then.....nawh.
The weather is windy and rainy so I don't think Shadow and I will be taking our walk today. Maybe we will play some tug-a-war to burn some energy. Since I have the car today...logic says that I should go to the gym and get some cardio in. Lazy arse says that I should snuggle up with Shadow and watch a movie. I guess I could compramise and go to the gym and work out while I'm watching a movie. LOL.
Not sure what the rest of this month has in store for me. I need to lose some weight or my surgeon is going to kill me. That hasn't been motivation yet. I see my surgeon in about 3 weeks, and I think I've gained weight!! I guess these next three weeks are going to be nothing but protein shakes, protein, and salads. I know there should be some exercise in there somewhere!! I'm just not sure how to get my buns motivated. Maybe I need to be like the rabbit that has the carrot on a string in front of his nose. Mine would have to be chocolate though!!!! All jokes aside, I have to get this weight off and I'm not sure if I can do it. I know I CAN do it, just not sure I guess if I want to do it. How sick is that!!??!! I've gone through this surgery and now I'm not sure if I want to lose the weight. AAARRRGGG!!! I'm making myself depressed so I'm going to stop for now. Let's hope my mind set changes after my appt.
Until then......
Today is my appointment for an ultrasound on my liver. I'm going to see if the mass in my liver has turned into an alien yet! To bad Halloween is so far away. I guess I could save it until then.....nawh.
The weather is windy and rainy so I don't think Shadow and I will be taking our walk today. Maybe we will play some tug-a-war to burn some energy. Since I have the car today...logic says that I should go to the gym and get some cardio in. Lazy arse says that I should snuggle up with Shadow and watch a movie. I guess I could compramise and go to the gym and work out while I'm watching a movie. LOL.
Not sure what the rest of this month has in store for me. I need to lose some weight or my surgeon is going to kill me. That hasn't been motivation yet. I see my surgeon in about 3 weeks, and I think I've gained weight!! I guess these next three weeks are going to be nothing but protein shakes, protein, and salads. I know there should be some exercise in there somewhere!! I'm just not sure how to get my buns motivated. Maybe I need to be like the rabbit that has the carrot on a string in front of his nose. Mine would have to be chocolate though!!!! All jokes aside, I have to get this weight off and I'm not sure if I can do it. I know I CAN do it, just not sure I guess if I want to do it. How sick is that!!??!! I've gone through this surgery and now I'm not sure if I want to lose the weight. AAARRRGGG!!! I'm making myself depressed so I'm going to stop for now. Let's hope my mind set changes after my appt.
Until then......
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Cesar Millan I am NOT!!!
To start this BLOG off right, I feel that I should first show you the e-mail that I sent to my hubby yesterday.
The walk started with me grabbing the shorter leash. I wanted to be able to have Shadow walk along side me not her pulling me down the street. Well the walking beside me was not working. How does Ceasar do it. I tried stopping and making her sit and get into a calm submissive state (which I don't think she ever really got to), I tried holding the leash behind my back to force her to walk behind me (that just made her walk between my legs and tangle me up with the leash), and lastly I tried putting my leg in front of her to block her from walking in front of me. As you can tell.....none of the tactics worked!!!!
Then how about working with her aggression towards other dogs. That actually went better than I had hoped. I now think that it's not aggression towards other dogs, she just doesn't know how to greet them. Since we think that she was used as a bait dog before we got her, I can understand why she has problems getting to know other dogs. I think I would too!!! We tried the sitting and letting the other dog sniff her, that didn't go to bad with the smaller dog down the street. But when we tried a larger dog on the other end of the street, well it didn't go as well. I think a lot of that was the neighbor came out and was learing at me for having my pit bull interact with the neighbors dog. Come on, I could feel her negative energy let alone what the dogs must have felt. So we abandoned that trial.
The whole walk took us about 45 minutes to an hour to do, and it was only a block!!!! Needless to say, Shadow's walks from now on will be her pulling me down the street for awhile. I went out and bought Cesar's book, hopefully that will help. But until then, I think I'm going to go lay down awhile. All of that bending over, tention, and leadership wore me out!!!! I guess I failed at being the calm assertive pack leader. LOL.
Well I am no Cesar Millan!!!!! Took Shadow for a walk....uh...drag...uh.....sit....uh....bark fest....uh.....I couldn't tell you what it was, but I am tired!!!!
Wholy cow !!! My head is pounding, my chest wants to launch both lungs at the same time, and my nose is like a leaky faucet!!!Yep, that's right, I decided to take Shadow for a walk yesterday. I have been watching the Dog Whisperer for awhile now and I was feeling bad that I don't take Shadow out for any exercise. I thought this would be a huge help to both of us to get in some cardio. I think I got the cardio!!!!
I'm sweating like crazy and I'm ready to die!!! So don't be alarmed if you find me dead on the floor with Shadow laying by me.
You dearly departed wife,
momma
The walk started with me grabbing the shorter leash. I wanted to be able to have Shadow walk along side me not her pulling me down the street. Well the walking beside me was not working. How does Ceasar do it. I tried stopping and making her sit and get into a calm submissive state (which I don't think she ever really got to), I tried holding the leash behind my back to force her to walk behind me (that just made her walk between my legs and tangle me up with the leash), and lastly I tried putting my leg in front of her to block her from walking in front of me. As you can tell.....none of the tactics worked!!!!
Then how about working with her aggression towards other dogs. That actually went better than I had hoped. I now think that it's not aggression towards other dogs, she just doesn't know how to greet them. Since we think that she was used as a bait dog before we got her, I can understand why she has problems getting to know other dogs. I think I would too!!! We tried the sitting and letting the other dog sniff her, that didn't go to bad with the smaller dog down the street. But when we tried a larger dog on the other end of the street, well it didn't go as well. I think a lot of that was the neighbor came out and was learing at me for having my pit bull interact with the neighbors dog. Come on, I could feel her negative energy let alone what the dogs must have felt. So we abandoned that trial.
The whole walk took us about 45 minutes to an hour to do, and it was only a block!!!! Needless to say, Shadow's walks from now on will be her pulling me down the street for awhile. I went out and bought Cesar's book, hopefully that will help. But until then, I think I'm going to go lay down awhile. All of that bending over, tention, and leadership wore me out!!!! I guess I failed at being the calm assertive pack leader. LOL.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Doing better
Well this morning was a little easier to swallow...breakfast that is. I almost went for the same old cottage cheese but then I thought, if I screw up around lunch time (the hardest time of the day for my eating binges) I need to have a carb, fat, and sugar free meal. So I whipped up some chopped canadian bacon, bell pepper, onion, one mushroom, with one quarter cup of Egg Beaters. Yumm. The best thing about the whole meal was that it was only 101 calories!!!
I then decided to watch a movie with Shadow while I was doing some laundry. Well the laundry came first because I didn't want to keep stopping the movie. I know that's why there is a pause button, but you lose some of the flow when you do that. Anyway, by the time Shadow and I sat down to watch a movie, "Angels and Demons" I was hooked. I almost forgot to eat!!! Either that or I just ignored myself. lol. The later is probably more the truth than anything.
So lunch time....what to eat. I can't just make a sandwich, no bread, I don't want any soup, I don't want to mess with making up a salad, AAARRRGGGG!!! Oh hey!!.....I have some veggie bites, Spinach and Artichoke (Morning Star). Yummm. They are a little bigger than chicken nuggets but they are all veggie. I had five left, and a serving size is 4. What the heck, I cooked them all. Eighteen minutes later...ding...they were done. But.....why must there always be a but, while I was cleaning the kitchen, I found the old Halloween stash of Whoppers, Almond Joy, Rocky Road, etc. Without even thinking, I grabbed a few, and yes I ate them!!!! I did log that I ate them though, so it's not like I was just eating them and denying it. With the candy bars, I went over my fat and carb alotment. I didn't however go over my calories yet!!! As for the fifth veggie bite....well Shadow got that one...sorry Jim (now both his wife and his dog are going to gas him out of the room tonight).
I have decided not to go to the gym tonight. I'm going to give myself a day's break. I also found out yesterday that my trainer (who I haven't seen in months) is leaving for Chicago in three weeks!!!! Great now what. I have a decision for that too. I'm going to drop my trainer account for awhile and save some money. I have the workouts that Zach and I did and I will just follow them for awhile. The gym will have another chance to get a deal on trainers again and I will sign up then. I have only been back to the gym for two days. I feel by letting go of the stress of trying to make the $200 monthly payments for the trainer, it will help with getting my head back in the game. I really am a great pusher when it comes to me working out, I just have to get motivated to get there. Getting there is sometimes the hugest battle. Trust me, I've been there. LOL.
So thankfully, today has been a better day. I am still struggling with getting in all of my water, and not replacing it with food, but I am at least aware of what I am doing. One more small step towards getting back to me. You know for a tall girl, I sure make small steps. I always did learn the hard way...lol.
I then decided to watch a movie with Shadow while I was doing some laundry. Well the laundry came first because I didn't want to keep stopping the movie. I know that's why there is a pause button, but you lose some of the flow when you do that. Anyway, by the time Shadow and I sat down to watch a movie, "Angels and Demons" I was hooked. I almost forgot to eat!!! Either that or I just ignored myself. lol. The later is probably more the truth than anything.
So lunch time....what to eat. I can't just make a sandwich, no bread, I don't want any soup, I don't want to mess with making up a salad, AAARRRGGGG!!! Oh hey!!.....I have some veggie bites, Spinach and Artichoke (Morning Star). Yummm. They are a little bigger than chicken nuggets but they are all veggie. I had five left, and a serving size is 4. What the heck, I cooked them all. Eighteen minutes later...ding...they were done. But.....why must there always be a but, while I was cleaning the kitchen, I found the old Halloween stash of Whoppers, Almond Joy, Rocky Road, etc. Without even thinking, I grabbed a few, and yes I ate them!!!! I did log that I ate them though, so it's not like I was just eating them and denying it. With the candy bars, I went over my fat and carb alotment. I didn't however go over my calories yet!!! As for the fifth veggie bite....well Shadow got that one...sorry Jim (now both his wife and his dog are going to gas him out of the room tonight).
I have decided not to go to the gym tonight. I'm going to give myself a day's break. I also found out yesterday that my trainer (who I haven't seen in months) is leaving for Chicago in three weeks!!!! Great now what. I have a decision for that too. I'm going to drop my trainer account for awhile and save some money. I have the workouts that Zach and I did and I will just follow them for awhile. The gym will have another chance to get a deal on trainers again and I will sign up then. I have only been back to the gym for two days. I feel by letting go of the stress of trying to make the $200 monthly payments for the trainer, it will help with getting my head back in the game. I really am a great pusher when it comes to me working out, I just have to get motivated to get there. Getting there is sometimes the hugest battle. Trust me, I've been there. LOL.
So thankfully, today has been a better day. I am still struggling with getting in all of my water, and not replacing it with food, but I am at least aware of what I am doing. One more small step towards getting back to me. You know for a tall girl, I sure make small steps. I always did learn the hard way...lol.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Back to the gym
Yep, you read it right....this afternoon I went back to the gym for some cardio. After talking to my mom and reading her my BLOG, I couldn't take it anymore. Jim was sleeping with Shadow on the couch and I figured this is going to be the time to go back to the gym. By the time I got ready to go, Jim had woken up and offered to take me.
I hate having him sit out in the parking lot while I sweat away the calories but today I wasn't going to pass it up. I was surprised that I was able to do 30 minutes at 3.1 mph. That equals a 19 minute mile. I burned off 278 calories and my heart rate maintained at about 154 on average. I'm not too sore yet....although my hips are going to be the first to argue with me. I didn't get my normal adrenaline rush but I'm still not in the perfect mind set yet.
But I did it. Now keeping it up....I'm going to try hard. Oh I weighed in, and this is after we had eaten breakfast 2 hrs earlier, but I still weighed in at 353. That doesn't make me happy but being able to push through to the 30 minutes when I wanted to quit at 15 did.
I hate having him sit out in the parking lot while I sweat away the calories but today I wasn't going to pass it up. I was surprised that I was able to do 30 minutes at 3.1 mph. That equals a 19 minute mile. I burned off 278 calories and my heart rate maintained at about 154 on average. I'm not too sore yet....although my hips are going to be the first to argue with me. I didn't get my normal adrenaline rush but I'm still not in the perfect mind set yet.
But I did it. Now keeping it up....I'm going to try hard. Oh I weighed in, and this is after we had eaten breakfast 2 hrs earlier, but I still weighed in at 353. That doesn't make me happy but being able to push through to the 30 minutes when I wanted to quit at 15 did.
Friday, January 8, 2010
One small step at a time
Morning everyone. It is now time for me to face the facts. I went to the support group last night and it was a room full of people I really don't know. There were a few people that I was comfortable with but the energy that I was hoping for was not there. Jim and I stayed for about an hour and then I felt it was time to go. I was starting to revert inward and felt really uncomfortable. So we said good bye and excused ourselves.
We hadn't eaten yet and it was 8pm. We stopped at a place called Lumberjacks. The food was ok but let's face it, I was in no mood to make right choices or to even care last night. I ate some fried zuchinni, mushroom, and a couple of onion rings. Nothing really got stuck but I ate them anyway. My meal was a BBQ chicken wrap. I did only eat half of that.
We went home and I crashed. Zzzzzzzz!!!!
This morning I am trying to stay focused on what I need to do. I took my blood sugar this morning and it was 126 at 6:30am!!!! Darn it. That was the one thing I felt I had under control. So breakfast this morning was just some cottage cheese. I had promised Jim this morning not to make or bake anything. I will not break my word to him, so now what do I do.
I have decided to do some cleaning. Maybe if I clean the house, I can clean my head. Lord knows there is a ton of junk in both!!! So that is where I'm leaving things this morning.
One step at a time is all I can ask of myself right now.
We hadn't eaten yet and it was 8pm. We stopped at a place called Lumberjacks. The food was ok but let's face it, I was in no mood to make right choices or to even care last night. I ate some fried zuchinni, mushroom, and a couple of onion rings. Nothing really got stuck but I ate them anyway. My meal was a BBQ chicken wrap. I did only eat half of that.
We went home and I crashed. Zzzzzzzz!!!!
This morning I am trying to stay focused on what I need to do. I took my blood sugar this morning and it was 126 at 6:30am!!!! Darn it. That was the one thing I felt I had under control. So breakfast this morning was just some cottage cheese. I had promised Jim this morning not to make or bake anything. I will not break my word to him, so now what do I do.
I have decided to do some cleaning. Maybe if I clean the house, I can clean my head. Lord knows there is a ton of junk in both!!! So that is where I'm leaving things this morning.
One step at a time is all I can ask of myself right now.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Surrender
After a long up and down day today, I have decided that I have to go back to my support group for the weight loss surgery. I have been having uncontrolable highs and lows again with crying at a drop of a hat. My eating is out of control again and it doesn't seem to be fazing me. I need help. I'm not sure that I am going to be able to ask for the help tonight but I think just the fact that I'm going is going to help. I don't realize how isolated I keep my feelings and things from all of my friends and family until I have a melt down and everyone comes to me with words of support and care.
Why is this process so hard for me? I'm hoping that tonight will spark something in me to get back on track. The phone call I received from Wendy last night helped get my mind working, but I think I need some more push. So I am going to surrender myself to the group and let down my gaurd, I hope.
Why is this process so hard for me? I'm hoping that tonight will spark something in me to get back on track. The phone call I received from Wendy last night helped get my mind working, but I think I need some more push. So I am going to surrender myself to the group and let down my gaurd, I hope.
Excuses....are they real or denial?
I received a call from my best friend last night. Wendy is actually more than my best friend, she is my soul sister. We have gone through a lot together and we know each other like a book.
Wendy and I have both been heavy ever since we have known each other. Our weight never stopped us from being us. As we get older, we are both traveling the journey of losing weight. Her phone call last night sparked a light in me that hasn't been turned on for awhile.
We talked about all sorts of things, and one of the topics was getting back to us. Doing things for ourselves. We both have families that need us, and I more than Wendy, give way to letting family push me around. Wendy told me last night that it's been almost a year and a half since my surgery and I am no where NEAR where I should be. She told me that everytime she talks to me, I am letting my mom and sister get in the way of my progress.
Here is where the lightbulb came a flickering. Yes, mom and Kelly take a lot of my time, but how much of that is actually their doing and how much of it is me making excuses and using them as scapegoats. I can't believe how hard this is to admit. I spend a lot of time home alone not doing anything. I have exercise DVD's, I can take Shadow for a walk, I CAN exercise I just don't. My eating, I know I shouldn't eat things and amounts that I do, but I am in denial. My actions do not fit my words. That makes me sad to think that I am killing myself. When am I going to quit hiding behind the excuses and face up to me.
I am so afraid of failing, but by staying the way I am now...I'm failing!!! I have a hard time asking for help, weather it's because I don't know what kind of help to ask for, or just that I don't want pitty and asking for help to me feels like I can't do it on my own...that makes me pitiful.
I have been thinking about the current excuses....I have to take mom and Kelly somewhere, I don't have my own car, we don't have the money to pay for my trainer, I have a chest cold. How stupid. FACE yourself!!! I spend my time making busy work but not getting anything done. I need to look in the mirror and find out who and what I am. I used to be more confident, happy, fulfilled. I want that me back, but I'm not sure how to find her again.
Wendy and I have both been heavy ever since we have known each other. Our weight never stopped us from being us. As we get older, we are both traveling the journey of losing weight. Her phone call last night sparked a light in me that hasn't been turned on for awhile.
We talked about all sorts of things, and one of the topics was getting back to us. Doing things for ourselves. We both have families that need us, and I more than Wendy, give way to letting family push me around. Wendy told me last night that it's been almost a year and a half since my surgery and I am no where NEAR where I should be. She told me that everytime she talks to me, I am letting my mom and sister get in the way of my progress.
Here is where the lightbulb came a flickering. Yes, mom and Kelly take a lot of my time, but how much of that is actually their doing and how much of it is me making excuses and using them as scapegoats. I can't believe how hard this is to admit. I spend a lot of time home alone not doing anything. I have exercise DVD's, I can take Shadow for a walk, I CAN exercise I just don't. My eating, I know I shouldn't eat things and amounts that I do, but I am in denial. My actions do not fit my words. That makes me sad to think that I am killing myself. When am I going to quit hiding behind the excuses and face up to me.
I am so afraid of failing, but by staying the way I am now...I'm failing!!! I have a hard time asking for help, weather it's because I don't know what kind of help to ask for, or just that I don't want pitty and asking for help to me feels like I can't do it on my own...that makes me pitiful.
I have been thinking about the current excuses....I have to take mom and Kelly somewhere, I don't have my own car, we don't have the money to pay for my trainer, I have a chest cold. How stupid. FACE yourself!!! I spend my time making busy work but not getting anything done. I need to look in the mirror and find out who and what I am. I used to be more confident, happy, fulfilled. I want that me back, but I'm not sure how to find her again.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Making choices
This morning I was not feeling like cooking anything for breakfast. Cottage cheese didn't sound good to me at all, so the only thing left for me to eat was either a protein shake or the hard boiled eggs I bought yesterday. How cool is that, WalMart in their deli section had a bag of hard boiled eggs, 6 total, for $1.98!! Woo hoo. Anyway, back on track. I normally only eat 4 large eggs for egg salad but these were small. Now hold on a minute, just because I said 4 eggs doesn't mean that I eat the yolks of all of them. I eat one whole egg and 3 egg whites. The mayo is what kills me in the end. This morning I didn't even feel like dealing with getting rid of the yolks. So I cut up all six eggs and added *lowering my head* 3 Tablespoons of mayo. Not low fat or fat free mayo, the real stuff. I took one taste and it had no flavor, so I heated it up in the microwave for 15 seconds on medium heat to see if I could bring out the egg flavor. Nope, no luck there. Where is that sweet pickle relish?....found it! In goes about 3 Tablespoons of that. Much better. I had added too much mayo since I heated the eggs. Normally I use fresh boiled and only need about a tablespoon of mayo since the heat makes it mix better. I tried to push aside all of the extra mayo and eat breakfast. I had no problem with it going down since it was really slick with all the mayo. Can you tell that I am a little obsessed with the amout of mayo I used?!?! LOL.
Okay, breakfast was prepared and eaten by 6:30am. No more eating until at LEAST 11am. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! What was I thinking? Honestly, I couldn't tell you. I had found a slice of frozen key lime pie in the freezer when I was putting food away yesterday. I thought that it wouldn't be a problem, since it had been in there for awhile anyway. Nooooo!!!!!! It sat out there in the freezer and kept calling my name!! Tristine.......Tristine......Hey You........You know you want me........I'm so yummy.........What's a little piece of pie going to hurt?...........You can work it off later........ *Lowering my head even further..* I caved to the pressure. It was too much. I hate peer pressure from myself. Bad self, bad self. But oh it tasted sooooo good. But then it was gone and what do I have to show for it? 350 EXTRA CALORIES!!!!! Wholly cow that's a meal!!!! Bread and water for lunch for me...oh wait, I can't eat bread.....just water it is. Sigh. The worst part about this is that I ate the pie at 8:30am!!!
I wasn't hungry, I wasn't really bored (had a ton of laundry to do), and I wasn't feeling overly emotional (at least I didn't think I was). So why did I eat it. That seems to be the question of my life. I have no reason to feel deprived, I haven't been keeping goodies out of my life (even though I'm supposed to). I can whip up anything any time I want. I didn't have to go to Brown Bag with my mom and sister today. I'm feeling a little better with my cold, even though the coughs still feel like I'm going to lose a lung. I don't really have anyone that has expectations of me that I have to fulfill other than my surgeon, and eating the pie would NOT make him happy. So what is wrong with me?!?!!
The positive aspect of this whole situation is that I didn't eat again until noon!! I drank a bottle of water and just didn't think about eating. For lunch I had 5 slices of canadian bacon, and a Campbell's Soup at Hand Veggie with noodles. Lunch totaled a whole 175 calories!!! But with the 694 for breakfast, the 350 for pie, and then 175 for lunch, that puts me 200 calories over my daily intake!!! I still have to eat dinner tonight!!! I have decided to make some fish for dinner to cut down on the calories. I don't want to get into that mind set of well I blew that meal.....let's just forget the whole day. I can't do that!!!
So now it's back to laundry and drinking more water. Maybe if I concentrate on drinking my 4 bottles of water, I won't think about food so much. One can hope right. Well there were some hard choices that I have to deal with today. I can't get down on myself or that will defeat the whole process. I can't linger on the situation because that will lead to more eating. AARRRRGGG!!!
Ohmmmm, ohmmmmmm, ohmmmmm, if only this really worked for me. Well another day, another choice, another step down my journey. No one said my path was going to be paved.
Okay, breakfast was prepared and eaten by 6:30am. No more eating until at LEAST 11am. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! What was I thinking? Honestly, I couldn't tell you. I had found a slice of frozen key lime pie in the freezer when I was putting food away yesterday. I thought that it wouldn't be a problem, since it had been in there for awhile anyway. Nooooo!!!!!! It sat out there in the freezer and kept calling my name!! Tristine.......Tristine......Hey You........You know you want me........I'm so yummy.........What's a little piece of pie going to hurt?...........You can work it off later........ *Lowering my head even further..* I caved to the pressure. It was too much. I hate peer pressure from myself. Bad self, bad self. But oh it tasted sooooo good. But then it was gone and what do I have to show for it? 350 EXTRA CALORIES!!!!! Wholly cow that's a meal!!!! Bread and water for lunch for me...oh wait, I can't eat bread.....just water it is. Sigh. The worst part about this is that I ate the pie at 8:30am!!!
I wasn't hungry, I wasn't really bored (had a ton of laundry to do), and I wasn't feeling overly emotional (at least I didn't think I was). So why did I eat it. That seems to be the question of my life. I have no reason to feel deprived, I haven't been keeping goodies out of my life (even though I'm supposed to). I can whip up anything any time I want. I didn't have to go to Brown Bag with my mom and sister today. I'm feeling a little better with my cold, even though the coughs still feel like I'm going to lose a lung. I don't really have anyone that has expectations of me that I have to fulfill other than my surgeon, and eating the pie would NOT make him happy. So what is wrong with me?!?!!
The positive aspect of this whole situation is that I didn't eat again until noon!! I drank a bottle of water and just didn't think about eating. For lunch I had 5 slices of canadian bacon, and a Campbell's Soup at Hand Veggie with noodles. Lunch totaled a whole 175 calories!!! But with the 694 for breakfast, the 350 for pie, and then 175 for lunch, that puts me 200 calories over my daily intake!!! I still have to eat dinner tonight!!! I have decided to make some fish for dinner to cut down on the calories. I don't want to get into that mind set of well I blew that meal.....let's just forget the whole day. I can't do that!!!
So now it's back to laundry and drinking more water. Maybe if I concentrate on drinking my 4 bottles of water, I won't think about food so much. One can hope right. Well there were some hard choices that I have to deal with today. I can't get down on myself or that will defeat the whole process. I can't linger on the situation because that will lead to more eating. AARRRRGGG!!!
Ohmmmm, ohmmmmmm, ohmmmmm, if only this really worked for me. Well another day, another choice, another step down my journey. No one said my path was going to be paved.
Coughin' to coffin...
Well I never made it to the gym Monday morning. Thankfully it wasn't because I didn't want to get out of bed, but because I have a nasty chest cold that kept me asleep.
I thought that I was going to grab on of my many aerobic DVD's and get some cardio in. I thought wrong!! This cold is really being a pain in my.....chest!!!!
I wish I could say that I was good and didn't eat a ton of food these last couple of days.....oh to wish for things. Monday I ate 2 cups of Honey Nut Chex dry, and made myself a cheese pizza out of a flour tortilla. Yesterday, I ate about half a cup of ice cream, 3 taco supremes, and a grande soft taco from Taco Bell, 4 cookies, and a candy bar. All of this food was on top of my normal food....well except for the tacos...they were last nights dinner. But 4 TACO's?!?!?!?! OMG!!!!
I have to do some cholesterol blood work this Saturday, so I have to be good. Not just for that, I have to be good for me. Time to start struggling with portion sizes and emotional eating AGAIN. Man, I hate the fact that it seems like every month I am struggling with these same issues!!! When am I going to get it?!?!?!
Well for now, I'm dealing with the chest cold and not eating everything in the house. One day at a time. Sigh.
I thought that I was going to grab on of my many aerobic DVD's and get some cardio in. I thought wrong!! This cold is really being a pain in my.....chest!!!!
I wish I could say that I was good and didn't eat a ton of food these last couple of days.....oh to wish for things. Monday I ate 2 cups of Honey Nut Chex dry, and made myself a cheese pizza out of a flour tortilla. Yesterday, I ate about half a cup of ice cream, 3 taco supremes, and a grande soft taco from Taco Bell, 4 cookies, and a candy bar. All of this food was on top of my normal food....well except for the tacos...they were last nights dinner. But 4 TACO's?!?!?!?! OMG!!!!
I have to do some cholesterol blood work this Saturday, so I have to be good. Not just for that, I have to be good for me. Time to start struggling with portion sizes and emotional eating AGAIN. Man, I hate the fact that it seems like every month I am struggling with these same issues!!! When am I going to get it?!?!?!
Well for now, I'm dealing with the chest cold and not eating everything in the house. One day at a time. Sigh.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
What works one day, may not work today!!
Not much going on here at the homestead. After all of the excitement of the New Year, I have gotten lazy. And with getting lazy, that means that food choices are all screwy again.
I had to go to the store the other day for some milk and mushrooms. Well I ended up finding some slow cooked ribs, full racks, two for $12.99!!!! Steal!!! Ok now I don't have to cook. Actually it wasn't so much as not having to cook, it was not wanting to wash dishes!!!
So yesterday, Jim and I shared a rack of ribs. They went down with no problem. I could have even finished off the other rack!!! Jim, who made me sick, was full after 4 ribs. What is this, I am the one that had the surgery. I'm the one with a stomach the size of an egg!!! Why is it that I still crave and can eat HUGE amounts of food?!?!!!?! I DON'T eat huge amounts, but the desire and ability IS there!!! *Sigh*
I have been very good about not eating out. Our meals....have been very....well....eclectic lately. I have eaten hard boiled egg whites with some mayo for breakfast for two days now. Jim really hates my decision on this but......or should I say butt.....lol!!!! The eggs have been easy to swallow and they are quick to fix.
For lunch today we had the other rack of ribs. Since they went down so easy yesterday, I figured that today would be a breeze too. NOT!!!! I don't think I was eating faster than yesterday, the ribs weren't any greasier, the only difference was that they were not staying down. It probably didn't help that I have a chest cold and had taken medicine earlier to loosen up some of the phlegm. No matter what the case, I lost part of my lunch. I let my throat settle down again, and was able to eat 2 more ribs.
I have really got to get back on track with paying attention to eating, and I have to get back to the gym. I need to lose 36 pounds by Feb. and I don't see any way of reaching it, but I'm going to try. I know this is not a healthy act for normal people, but I'm not normal. By cutting down my portion sizes, and getting exercise in, I should be able to easily lose at least 20 pounds. Trust me, I will not starve myself by no means, so please no lectures. Hee hee.
I'm going to try and get to the gym tomorrow morning before Jim goes off to work. That means....ugh....I'll be at the gym by 4am!!!! Just me and my tunes sweating through the holiday cheer of 2009/2010!!!
I'll let ya know who wins out tomorrow, the bed or the gym....I have my bet on the bed, but I've never been a good gambler anyway!!!
I had to go to the store the other day for some milk and mushrooms. Well I ended up finding some slow cooked ribs, full racks, two for $12.99!!!! Steal!!! Ok now I don't have to cook. Actually it wasn't so much as not having to cook, it was not wanting to wash dishes!!!
So yesterday, Jim and I shared a rack of ribs. They went down with no problem. I could have even finished off the other rack!!! Jim, who made me sick, was full after 4 ribs. What is this, I am the one that had the surgery. I'm the one with a stomach the size of an egg!!! Why is it that I still crave and can eat HUGE amounts of food?!?!!!?! I DON'T eat huge amounts, but the desire and ability IS there!!! *Sigh*
I have been very good about not eating out. Our meals....have been very....well....eclectic lately. I have eaten hard boiled egg whites with some mayo for breakfast for two days now. Jim really hates my decision on this but......or should I say butt.....lol!!!! The eggs have been easy to swallow and they are quick to fix.
For lunch today we had the other rack of ribs. Since they went down so easy yesterday, I figured that today would be a breeze too. NOT!!!! I don't think I was eating faster than yesterday, the ribs weren't any greasier, the only difference was that they were not staying down. It probably didn't help that I have a chest cold and had taken medicine earlier to loosen up some of the phlegm. No matter what the case, I lost part of my lunch. I let my throat settle down again, and was able to eat 2 more ribs.
I have really got to get back on track with paying attention to eating, and I have to get back to the gym. I need to lose 36 pounds by Feb. and I don't see any way of reaching it, but I'm going to try. I know this is not a healthy act for normal people, but I'm not normal. By cutting down my portion sizes, and getting exercise in, I should be able to easily lose at least 20 pounds. Trust me, I will not starve myself by no means, so please no lectures. Hee hee.
I'm going to try and get to the gym tomorrow morning before Jim goes off to work. That means....ugh....I'll be at the gym by 4am!!!! Just me and my tunes sweating through the holiday cheer of 2009/2010!!!
I'll let ya know who wins out tomorrow, the bed or the gym....I have my bet on the bed, but I've never been a good gambler anyway!!!
Friday, January 1, 2010
A fantastic start to 2010!!!
January 1, 2010!!!!
Well we made it guys and gals!!! It's the new year!!! Jim and I arrived safely and without stress into this new year. Now what to do....
Last night I texted our good friend Spencer to see if he would like to meet us for breakfast this morning. Since we were out all day and night, we weren't sure if we could make contact with each other. When we got home last night, there were some messages from Spencer. Yeah, he would like to meet up with us!!! Now just connecting this morning is the issue.
Jim and I woke up around 7:30am. Let's call Spencer, and meet for breakfast. I called and got his answering machines. That's ok we're not ready to walk out the door anyway. We get ready slowly, as I'm not sure we are really awake yet. Finally around 8:30am it's time to eat!! lol. I call Spencer again and I was able to get a hold of him. Yeah!!!! 20 minutes we'll meet up at Waffle Square.
Breakfast was fantastic as usual. Spencer liked the place which is good, because it's close to both of us and it's not that expensive, a good place to meet up. We must have talked for a good couple of hours. It was nice. We haven't been able to connect with friends that much this year and it was a wonderful way to bring in the new year. What could be better than friends and food 'eh?!?! lol.
Once breakfast was over, we headed to our car and I was finally able to give Spencer his Halloween goodies I had made for him. I carved him a foam pumpkin, made a goodie bag (full of chocolate), and I gave him some of my homemade caramel crabapple jelly. We talked for awhile longer and finally parted with hugs and well wishes. My heart was full!!!
Once we came back home, we didn't know what we wanted to do. We had to go to the store and to Sam's club so we started there. Guess what....Sam's was closed. Oh well off to the grocery store then. We picked up a few things.....two racks of ribs, already cooked for $12.99, woot woot, I don't have to cook a meal or two!!!! Then while we were looking at the magazines, the store had some previously viewed DVD's on sale. Jim and I debated on weather it was a good idea to get them or not. We could go over to Hollywood Video and maybe pay a little more, but they are guaranteed. If the movies don't work for any reason, we can take them back and get another. Not sure we would have the same offer at the store. Next stop the video store.
I was like a kid in a candy store. I love movies and they were having a huge sale!!!! Movies from $2.99 to $7.99!!! We grabbed up a bunch of movies....ok, I grabbed up a bunch of movies and we headed home. I played on the computer for awhile and Jim watched some football. A little later we decided to pop in a movie.
Night at the Museum the Smithsonian!! That was so cute. I think the first one was better, but this one was very entertaining. What's next....another movie...Julie and Julia. I have been dying to see this movie since it came out. I can so associate with the movie's concept that it's almost not funny. It was a fantastic movie. I think I got more out of it then Jim, but hey it was a chick flick anyway. I LOVED IT!!!
Jim and I had sat around just nibbling here and there and decided that it was time to really eat. There is a chinese restaurant down the street from us, "The Lantern" that has fantastic food. I didn't want anything heavy so we went for a bowl of their soup. It's egg flower soup with chicken and corn....Yummmm....we also got an appetizer of egg rolls, wontons, foil wrapped chicken, and brandy fried chicken. There were only one for each of us on these and I let Jim have the brandy fried chicken. There was no way I was getting food stuck tonight!!!
We went home happy and full and spent the rest of the evening just kicking back. I had forgotten how comfortable it is to just spend time with Jim and Shadow. No worries, just us time. I missed that. Not any more though. I am staying committed to my family comes first this year.
I hope your year is starting out as wonderful as mine has. Enjoy the simple things in life.
Well we made it guys and gals!!! It's the new year!!! Jim and I arrived safely and without stress into this new year. Now what to do....
Last night I texted our good friend Spencer to see if he would like to meet us for breakfast this morning. Since we were out all day and night, we weren't sure if we could make contact with each other. When we got home last night, there were some messages from Spencer. Yeah, he would like to meet up with us!!! Now just connecting this morning is the issue.
Jim and I woke up around 7:30am. Let's call Spencer, and meet for breakfast. I called and got his answering machines. That's ok we're not ready to walk out the door anyway. We get ready slowly, as I'm not sure we are really awake yet. Finally around 8:30am it's time to eat!! lol. I call Spencer again and I was able to get a hold of him. Yeah!!!! 20 minutes we'll meet up at Waffle Square.
Breakfast was fantastic as usual. Spencer liked the place which is good, because it's close to both of us and it's not that expensive, a good place to meet up. We must have talked for a good couple of hours. It was nice. We haven't been able to connect with friends that much this year and it was a wonderful way to bring in the new year. What could be better than friends and food 'eh?!?! lol.
Once breakfast was over, we headed to our car and I was finally able to give Spencer his Halloween goodies I had made for him. I carved him a foam pumpkin, made a goodie bag (full of chocolate), and I gave him some of my homemade caramel crabapple jelly. We talked for awhile longer and finally parted with hugs and well wishes. My heart was full!!!
Once we came back home, we didn't know what we wanted to do. We had to go to the store and to Sam's club so we started there. Guess what....Sam's was closed. Oh well off to the grocery store then. We picked up a few things.....two racks of ribs, already cooked for $12.99, woot woot, I don't have to cook a meal or two!!!! Then while we were looking at the magazines, the store had some previously viewed DVD's on sale. Jim and I debated on weather it was a good idea to get them or not. We could go over to Hollywood Video and maybe pay a little more, but they are guaranteed. If the movies don't work for any reason, we can take them back and get another. Not sure we would have the same offer at the store. Next stop the video store.
I was like a kid in a candy store. I love movies and they were having a huge sale!!!! Movies from $2.99 to $7.99!!! We grabbed up a bunch of movies....ok, I grabbed up a bunch of movies and we headed home. I played on the computer for awhile and Jim watched some football. A little later we decided to pop in a movie.
Night at the Museum the Smithsonian!! That was so cute. I think the first one was better, but this one was very entertaining. What's next....another movie...Julie and Julia. I have been dying to see this movie since it came out. I can so associate with the movie's concept that it's almost not funny. It was a fantastic movie. I think I got more out of it then Jim, but hey it was a chick flick anyway. I LOVED IT!!!
Jim and I had sat around just nibbling here and there and decided that it was time to really eat. There is a chinese restaurant down the street from us, "The Lantern" that has fantastic food. I didn't want anything heavy so we went for a bowl of their soup. It's egg flower soup with chicken and corn....Yummmm....we also got an appetizer of egg rolls, wontons, foil wrapped chicken, and brandy fried chicken. There were only one for each of us on these and I let Jim have the brandy fried chicken. There was no way I was getting food stuck tonight!!!
We went home happy and full and spent the rest of the evening just kicking back. I had forgotten how comfortable it is to just spend time with Jim and Shadow. No worries, just us time. I missed that. Not any more though. I am staying committed to my family comes first this year.
I hope your year is starting out as wonderful as mine has. Enjoy the simple things in life.
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