Doing it my way

The alarm rings on my phone. Groggily I roll over and turn it off. I lay there staring at the clock snug under the covers, Bo curled up behind my legs. My mind races to find a reason not to go to the gym. Yesterday was so disappointing. I close my eyes and lay there.

Every excuse my mind came up with today, it also had a reason why I needed to go. I laid in bed for about half an hour until I drug my buns out of bed. I had made sure to make my protein shakes last night so my meal is ready to grab and guzzle down. It may not seem like much, but when you are searching for a way to get out of something, having to fix something to eat can seem like a HUGE obstacle.  I got dressed and had to force myself to go but I went.

I decided that I am going to keep a lower speed with my walk but I'm not going to seriously baby my heel. I stretched before I started. I was about 15 minutes in when 3 other women came in. Normally I don't have an issue with this but that's because I'm working hard. But when they came in, and yes they are all thin, and started on the machines every insecurity that I have ever had flooded over me. I actually wanted to stop. Not a single person was looking at me, but it didn't matter. What is with me??? Well I know that since I was walking like a snail I made myself feel fat and useless. I fought my thoughts and continued. I know that I need to push this out of my mind or I will really hurt my heel. I will think of nothing other than competing to make myself feel better that I will end up amping the speed and will pay for it later. So I turned up my music a bit louder and refocused myself. I got through a total of 30 minutes as I still had strength training to go. I left the upper level with my head down.

Once downstairs with the weights I just started my routine. I started my leg presses. I can feel my spirit start to rise again. I lowered the weight as to not put too much pressure on my heel but was still able to do 3 sets of 15 at 220 pounds!! That made me feel really good. I didn't get the burn that I usually strive for but I don't want to push too fast. I'm already doing much more than I should. I put on my weight gloves and headed over to where I do standing crunches. The grips that I normally use, another guy was using them. So I grabbed another set but they didn't fit the hook. I look up and the guy that was using the grips asks me if I need them. I nodded yes, as my headphones were still in. He walks them over to me and looks at me smiles and starts to talk to me. I take out my earbuds, and he smiles and says it's good to see you back again. My heart soared!!!! I smiled and thanked him and replied it's good to be back. Now I am the only woman at this hour that works out with these guys, there are about 6 total. I started my crunches with 80 pounds and had no problem with my first set. I let the weights go and they made a loud thunk. A new guy standing next to me jumped and looked at me like what an amazon!!! I loved it!!!! I am in my element!!!! I finished out my routine with the same weights I had stopped with about a month ago. That made me really happy. But what made me the happiest is that I was able to get my heart rate up with my weights and get a good sweat going and feel like I did something!! Still not happy with the cardio but all in all a good workout.

As for why my insecurities came back, I will have to work on that. I have grown so much from those days that I don't want that poison to seep back into me. It has no place in me anymore!!! My heel was killing me but I made sure to stretch it out again after the workout. The anti-inflammatory meds are my new best friend for awhile. I will take it easy over the weekend a bit but back at it on Monday. I could feel my heel start to hurt but as usual worked through it and dealt with it afterwards. As long as I maintain it and take care of it, I'm going to push forward and a bit harder every day. I will make this happen. I am strong enough and determined enough.

The struggle between mind and body

Well as you know I have not been around for a very long time. There has been no journey to the center of a fat woman, I have just been a fat woman. There are many reasons for this but I must say that most of them are excuses rather than actual hinderences. But there has been one actual reason that has troubled and stopped me from my journey a bit. That thorn in my side is my injured Achilles tendon. Achilles tendinitis to be exact. The doctor told me months ago to stay off of it and stretch it 5 times a day. Ok I have to admit that I have not stayed off of it and usually push it too far and too hard and well the stretching is more like 3 times a day rather than 5. I explained to him that I had just gotten into a really good workout routine that I really don't want to stop. I was told that I can continue to exercise but if I feel the slightest pain or throbbing in my heel back it off or stop. Well I thought I could do that. But when I exercise I tend to get into a mindset sort of like tunnel vision and focus on reaching the goal rather than what my body is telling me. Doesn't help that I have a HUGE tolerance for pain. So I will be exercising and by the time I notice that my heel hurts it's too late and I am off my feet for 3 days at least! I don't really want to explode my heel but I'm sort of at the point that maybe I should. Now don't get excited on me and rush to tell me how bad that would be. I won't actually do this as I am not a very good patient and I can't stand the down time. It's just the frustration is killing me!!

I went back to the gym this morning for some cardio. My weight has been a yo yo of 6-8 pounds for months. I gain and lose and gain all in the same month only to end up with no loss at all. My mental state with this is getting worse and worse. I have to fight myself to eat because nothing even sounds good to eat and everything has a ton of calories at least in my eyes right now. But back to the gym this morning. I stretched before I started the treadmill until I felt like my heel was loosened up. Turns out it wasn't. I started my walk slow and leisure for the first 5 minutes to help stretch my heel. I started to turn up the speed a bit trying to stay focused on my heel rather than my goal. I made it to about 8 minutes when I could feel my heel start to pound and the start of that sharp pain again. Ok turn down the speed. Now I'm not jogging or anything like that....I'm WALKING!!!!! In fact I feel like I am walking slower than my normal stride!!! But my heel hurts so I back off. It still hurts. I stop the treadmill and stretch out my heel. It starts to feel a bit better so I get back at it. Here we go again walking like a snail but I'm walking. My heart rate is only at about 133! That's not even enough to work up a sweat on me. I try and bump the speed again to about 2.8 on the treadmill. Now anyone that knows me knows that this speed is killing me. I don't even feel like I am working out!! I normally keep my heart rate at very least 145-157! But I stayed focused on my heel. I would push it a bit to see if maybe just walking faster might stretch it out and I can continue. No!! I ended up with only 30 minutes of cardio and didn't feel anything as far as benefits from it!! I mean come on....I didn't even work off the calories of my protein shake this morning for breakfast!! 260 calories how hard would that be to work off!!! I could do that by walking Bo! But I would come home with a sore heel and off my feet again.

So what do I do? Do I maintain trying to pay attention to my heel and have to starve myself to get the calories off? Or do I push hard like I love to do and my body needs and take the chances of my heel exploding? The whole time working out today my mind and body wanted and needed to push SOOO much harder than what I was doing but my heel thought otherwise. I have tried other forms of working out to try and not hurt my heel but again, I don't get the level of intensity that my body and mind need and crave. Being 300+ pounds there is not much that I do that doesn't put a strain on my heel. Sitting and getting up, bending over, reaching tall, and even laying on the floor to do planks, crunches, bicycle it all hurts it! And if I go by my doctors recommendations of when it hurts stop or back off I might as well do nothing!!! And I am not satisfied or happy with that!

Tomorrow is cardio and weights. I'm going to focus on my goal and try and stay in tune with how I am feeling with my heel, but I need to get my heart rate up and feel my workout. If I don't I lose interest and revert back to that old fat me again that. I really don't want that!! I am still trying for my goal weight by my birthday next year! 40 years old on Nov. 20!!! I think that would be the best 40th birthday gift ever!!!

On with the day, and trying to keep my spirits up. My fear of failure is lurking around the corner and I don't want it to catch up with me! I will not fail at this. I can't!!!!