New fill whole new beginning!

First I am sorry for dropping off of the face of the Earth for the last month. January was a very hard beginning of the year for me but I don't want to go into all of the trials and tribulations of family, finance, emotions, and stressors of the month because I am really trying to move past that and to be more focused on me. I wanted a better me, a better life, a new start this  year. With January being so up and down I didn't want to wait any longer to finally get my head on straight.

It was hard to look at everything that needed to be done and to not get overwhelmed! I am the type to take on everything all at once and drive myself insane trying to accomplish it all. Then when I am unable to get everything done or it is not up to my standards I beat myself up, cry, isolate myself, and always eat! Even if I can't eat because of the unnecessary stress I have just put on myself I will still eat and then upchuck it then try and eat some more. I usually end up with some form or candy bar or sugar something as it dissolves and will slide down to my stomach and let's face it....it's chocolate what wouldn't make you feel better right??? Well sadly it did for a second until it was gone and then I was back at beating myself up for eating the chocolate or junk. Vicious cycle!!!

I was encouraged by a very dear friend to just take on a few things at a time and do them and do them well. Not to take on every one's problems as my own and not to let things get to me. Keep a positive attitude and keep moving forward. Now for those that know me will think well shoot she always has a positive attitude. I used have a positive attitude for everyone but me. Life seemed so daunting and just overwhelming with everything that I could be encouraging for everyone around me but when it came to me I was on the verge of doom and gloom. It was hard for me to be happy, truly happy.

So my friend helped me to think of the big issues at hand and start from there. Finances, and my health were top of the list! I can not be strong of mind and body if I am not healthy. I can't beat myself up if I am eating healthier choices. I can't be happy if I don't feel healthy and for me to be thinner. Weight has always been that monkey on my back...if only that monkey would jump off I could probably lose a good 20 pounds although that monkey feels like it weighs 120 pounds...lol. Then the finances...well who doesn't have issues with finances even if you are stinking rich. I needed to live within my means and stop buying things to make me momentarily happy but added to the stress of financial hardship and trying to find a place to store all of it. I sat down and drew up a budget the best I could knowing that it's going to be a work in progress until things are back to basics and normal again. Absolutely no spending on anything that is not needed and yes that means candy bars too!!! Secondly it was time for my health. I contacted my doctors for various things that needed to be addressed and caught up on appointments that I had been putting off. One of those appointments I had been putting off was getting another fill in my band. I had gotten my band checked a year ago this month and all of my 10cc's were still in there but I didn't feel any restriction..I could still eat far too much! I could eat things that I wasn't supposed to be able to eat like bread and cookies and rice among other things. I had no problem eating anything unless I was stressed or super emotional and then I couldn't keep anything down. My Esophagus felt like it closed up and anything I ate came back up. Except the sweets which sometimes even they did too.

I made the appointment for a fill as I had gone from 305 pounds in late August to 362 in January. Ugh now if that isn't depressing!!! I currently weighed in at 352 yesterday when I went in for my fill. I had asked my doctor if he would give me a 2cc fill rather than just 1 as I had been at 10cc's for over 4 years and have never felt any restriction and would really like to feel some so that this tool I have had placed in my body is finally put to work for me. He agreed with the stipulation that if it feels too tight or that if I have problems that I not wait another year to get it fixed. I agreed with a smile.

With every fill there is the standard consume only fluids for 24 hours. Me being sort of a hard head I pushed the limit a bit, sort of. I had some clam chowder for lunch, only tried a very little bit of the potato and solids, tried two small squares of Jell-O and a couple of spoonfuls of pudding. Most of it stayed down but some came up when I felt like I had eaten too much which I probably did. It wasn't violent like some of my PB (productive burps the bariatric community like to call it) but more like I had just overfilled a pitcher and it was spilling out. I ended up consuming about a half of a cup of food. Last night I had some chinese egg flower soup mostly broth and was able to consume a good healthy cup, cup and a half of it! The kicker was this morning! Breakfast! Always the hardest meal for me as everything has tightened up and is hard to eat and keep down even if I am not stressed.

I made two scrambled eggs for me as I don't like runny yolks. I made breakfast at around 8am....at around 11:45 I lost some of those eggs in a PB. I had only been able to get one egg eaten before I upchucked. I then tried some applesauce, it went down easier but still took forever! I was able to finish eating my other egg after I had put it in my Magic Bullet and made it mush and added a bit of mayonnaise so it would slide down. Everything finally felt like it had moved to my stomach by about 1:30pm!!! Wholly cow!!! Breakfast from 8am-1:30pm to eat 2 eggs and 1/2 a cup of applesauce! Now that will keep me from grazing for sure!!!

I can only imagine this is how my band was SUPPOSED to feel when I first had my surgery back in 2008! I had never felt restriction and any weight I lost was all on my own determination and will, which does say something about me. I had the surgery for it to be used as a tool even though it never has been. So I have dug out my binder from my original surgery to follow the plan there to see if I can keep my fill this tight or not. The first few weeks are liquids and soft foods, so plenty of protein shakes for me! I am hoping to see the weight start dropping off like it should have from the beginning. Meals for me can not be any bigger than about 1/2-3/4 cup of solid food before my pouch feels too full. My only worry is that I am able to maintain enough food to support my heavy workouts with my strength training. That too will have to be adjusted....the food not the training! I am very excited to get back to my really hard heavy training and feeling good with and about myself and soon to see that thinner, healthier, happier, more energetic me!!!!

Fingers crossed this goes as planned but rather than getting down if it needs adjusting I need to keep my spirits high and positive and just adjust it and keep pushing forward! Good thing about all of this is our food bill will shrink to nothing!!! Which helps my financial issues even more. A win win situation if you ask me. If you follow my other food BLOG you will see that food changes will be happening but all the good stuff I cook for the hubby will still be there!!

I have tomorrow to work on timing it will take for my protein shakes to move through my body before I hit the gym again on Monday. I really am excited! There is going to be a lot of changes and bad habits that I will have to make with this...but this is what I wanted from the beginning! Carpe Diem!!!! I'm going to seize the day!!!