Still struggling

Why must it be so hard to put myself first and do what needs to be done for my weight loss health?!? I feel like I keep starting over every week or sometimes, every day! I make up my mind that I'm getting back to the gym and eating right, then something happens and I've fallen off track again. I would love to say that it's someone else's fault, but it's my own.

I am either eating food when I shouldn't or skipping my exercise. I was doing so good. I have been trying to keep a positive attitude, but it's been really hard when at every turn something is becoming a new and harder hurdle for me to jump.

I didn't think I was afraid of what I would become when I got skinny and healthy, so why is there such sabotage?

I have had to take my mom and sister out for errands a couple of times where they had to eat a meal out. I have been really good and have taken my lunch with me. I even sit in the restaurant with them and eat my lunch. It doesn't bother me that they are eating something else. When I get home though it's like I HAVE to eat everything bad for me. I'm not hungry, I'm not bored, but I am exhausted. Maybe deep down I'm feeling deprived. But I'm not deprived really. I take things that I like to eat. I just don't know what's going on with me.

I have tried thinking about how I feel and how to change this behavior, and it all comes down to just do it. Well if it was that easy, I wouldn't be 10 months after surgery and have only lost 22 pounds!

There is sort of a bright side to things, and that is that money is really short, so I can't go and buy that candy bar or chips for added hidden calories. I am AGAIN going back to starting over again. My mom and sister are going to be in Texas visiting my brother and his family. Maybe their vacation is going to be the helping hand that I need to get back on track. I really hope so.

Now I don't want anyone to think that I am blaming my mom and sister for why I can't stay on track. They just add additional time restraints to the day. I still have time to eat right, exercise, and do what I have to do. I just don't do it.

Getting back to me

Two months ago I had set a goal of losing 50 pounds in 5 months. Well 2 months have gone by and I have only lost 10 pounds. What a disgrace. But it's my own fault. I haven't been working out and I haven't been eating right. So today I decided it's time to get back to me.

I had to drag myself out of bed this morning to get to the gym, but I knew I HAD to GO. I started upstairs at the cardio room to get my 10 minutes of warm up before I met with Zach for strength training.

This is my trainer Zach and his wife. I'm sorry to say that I don't know her name. But I thought you all would like to put a face with a name, since I talk about what Zach is doing to kill me most of the time.

Then it was time to meet with Zach. I showed him the results of the 5 Day pouch test and what my calorie/nutrient intake was. He looked it over and we talked about having bigger breakfasts if at all possible to help with my body getting out of power saver mode. Having the bigger breakfast will speed up my metabolism more than just the exercise. He was also concerned about the low amount of calories that I eat. I try and maintain anywhere between 700-900 calories a day. It usually ends up on the higher end, towards 900 but that's because I still like to eat. Zach was concerned that I work out harder than the calories I eat. He was concerned that I will sacrifice muscle if I continue training this hard. I told him that if it starts to become too much of an issue, that I will contact my surgeon and see if the calories can be added. I don't think that my surgeon will mind as long as the weight is coming off at a timely manner and I'm maintaining a healthy lifestyle. We also discussed me doing cardio twice a day as per my 45 minutes once a day for 4-5 times a week. Now, I haven't been doing ANY cardio for awhile now, so I'm glad we talked about it. I was thinking (the over achiever that I am) that I would do 45 minutes twice a day. Zach told me no. He said I will do better if I do half an hour twice a day for 4-5 times a week. I will get the benefits of it but I won't wear myself out too much. Which is actually easier for me because I tend to hit a wall at about 20 minutes and have to push myself past that barrier for any more time.


Lastly, I asked him to really push me. I have a tendency to make excuses if I don't want to do something. Now with strength training, not so much because it's something that I can excel at, but there are always times that I don't want to work that hard. I told Zach that I need him to kind of not take any crud from me and to make me push to the limit. That's what I'm paying him for anyway, right. He agreed with a little sheepish grin on his face. I knew I was in trouble then.


We are keeping with my full body work out for now since I haven't made a complete week in....weeks. So we did the rows and the single arm presses, then it was time for the squats. Oh the squats are where I'm going to really put up some excuses. They are soooo hard. I usually do sitting squats, but since the stool that we usually use was being used, Zach decided that I would do some freestyle standing squats. That means no chair to sit on, I have to squat and lift myself back up. Ugh! I was still at the 80 pounds but I was only able to do one set of 15 and another set of 10. I was squatting deeper than sitting on the chair. But I did it. I got a little light headed for a minute but I think that was because I didn't eat breakfast this morning. I rested for a little bit but then continued. I had to do my body lifts and the rope bends by myself, because we ran out of time this morning. But I'm ok with that. I need Zach's help more on the rows and squats than anything else.


By the time I was done this morning, I was tired. Whew....note to self...DON'T MISS STRENGTH TRAINING SESSIONS EVER AGAIN!!! LOL. I drove home and was ready to eat something. I wasn't hungry, I was more drained than anything. So I had a piece of leftover fish and a chicken patty and felt much better. I cooled off for awhile and decided that since it's going to be in the 100's today, I would mow the lawn for Jim. It didn't take that long, about 20 minutes or so. It gets easier every time I do it. I worked up another sweat but it felt good to get it done.


I have a lot on my plate for the next couple of months. I have a ton of Halloween stuff to build, sew, paint, and create. All this and making sure I get ALL of my exercise in too. I can do it and I will feel better for doing it. It's just going to take a lot of focus on my part. The biggest part is to make sure that I take care of me first, that's also the hardest part. But if I'm to accomplish everything that I want I have to do this.

5 Day pouch test - Day 5

The final day of the pouch test. Oh man am I glad that this is over. It was really tougher than I thought.

The day started off sort of hard. Jim (my hubby) had to do a fasting blood work and I didn't want to eat in front of him. So I drank some water to help curb the growling monster in my belly and off to the hospital we went.

I was happy to see that it was the farmers market at Kaiser that morning. Last time I was at the farmers market, I was able to get some fantastic garlic olive oil and some orange olive oil. Oh wow, they made fish and chicken fantastic just with it on them. Anyway, I sniffed so much going into the hospital that I thought that I was going to hyperventilate. LOL.

We got in, got the blood work done, and the stress test. Turns out Jim's fairly healthy. Go figure. Hee hee. We got out of there a good hour earlier than I expected. So naturally as we are leaving, I had to stop at the market to see what they had out there. There were fantastic looking veggies and fruit. I ended up with 3 baskets of strawberries, about 8 plouts, and some garlic and artichoke spread. I have been dying to try some new types of food and there was a guy there selling some Indian food. So I thought what the hey I'll give it a try. They were Samosas. I got a chicken one and a potato one. The chicken one was fantastic but the dough was trying to get stuck. I should have known, no carbs!! But luckily I didn't have any trouble. The potato one was good too but was a little dry for me and I just ate the filling not the dough this time. They were good enough, and Jim liked them that later on I looked up some recipes for them on the Internet.

Anyway, Jim was starving, and I hadn't really eaten either other than the few bites of the samosas. So we head off to Waffle Square. I really have to be careful here because they have the best food. But I was good. I got a mushroom omelet and I only ate half of it, which would be 2 eggs but it had cheese on top so I stayed within my 3 ounces of protein. I didn't even eat all my hash browns! I had a couple of tiny bites of the real crunchy tops but that was it. I did however eat the crunchy parts of my sourdough toast with some strawberry jam. Ok, so I didn't do as good as I would have liked, but I didn't over eat!

We headed off to Barnes and Nobel afterwards to look at their book sale. I picked up a couple of appetizer magazines to help spark some inspiration for meals. Luckily I love to cook and I can redo some of the unhealthier recipes to something that I can eat. After the bookstore we headed home. Jim was so tired and I have to admit, it felt good to just lounge around!

It was about 2:30-3pm before we decided to eat lunch. Jim, bless his heart was trying to find something healthy for me to eat. Oh, I long for the days of fast food again. Days when I didn't have to dissect my food before I could eat it. But I knew what I was getting into with the surgery so no complaining. Well maybe a little complaining....hee hee. We ended up at Sizzlers. I got the salad bar, and Jim got a huge burger! Wow did it look good! I stuck with my salad and fruit and only ate 2 chicken wings. The rest of my protein for the meal was cottage cheese. I stayed within what I should and could eat and stopped when I got that feeling that something was in my stomach. When we got home, I logged the food that I ate and I was still within my 900 calories! Woo hoo! I was even up on my water intake, and I didn't even have to add the Crystal Light.

I was done with food for the day or so I thought. Jim was getting hungry later on during the night and was itching for some KFC. We headed up to the restaurant and got a bucket of fried, yep I said fried chicken. I don't like their grilled chicken. The grilled chicken is too dry and doesn't have that much flavor to me. We got home with the coleslaw, potato and gravy, biscuits, and chicken. The coleslaw had too much vinegar in it and didn't taste good, and I don't like the gravy so I don't eat the potatoes. I did try a biscuit and paid for it. It got stuck and made me very uncomfortable. It didn't come back up but I wasn't able to eat anything else. I had to wait until it passed through before I could eat my piece of chicken breast. So there weren't may calories eaten there.

All in all, I'm glad that I did the pouch test. It put me back in touch with paying attention to what my body is telling me, not just stuffing it full of food. It is still really hard for me to stop eating when there is good food around, but with portion sizes (I'm going to have to weigh everything for awhile), and paying attention to that feeling like there is food in my stomach, I think I can do ok. I still have to get back to the gym and start exercising again. I have to admit that I didn't really stick to the 5 day pouch test after day 3, but I think I got what I needed from the test anyway. So here I go eating healthy and exercising again, I hope.

5 Day pouch test - day 4

Okay, today is the test of all tests. Today is Kelly's dentist appt. I have told mom and Kelly that I didn't want to eat out today, so they should eat breakfast before I get to their house, and I would fix us something at my house for lunch.

The day started early, as Jim wanted to get to work early to save some parking spots for the guys that ride bikes. The parking lot at Jim's work was being repaired so they all had to park on the street. I had agreed to take the van and park it on the street to save some spaces for the other guys. Well as it stands we were too late and there were not to many spaces left available. So I continued on to mom's house.

I got to mom's house and Kelly and her were not ready. They haven't even eaten breakfast. I waited for them to eat because I wanted to stick with not eating out. We finally got out on the road and the tire on the van needed to be replaced. The tire was really feeling bad like the tread was separating or that it had a bubble in it. So I had to replace it today!!! The shop didn't open until 9am so we headed on to my house and I prepared the chicken for lunch.

I had found an awesome recipe for some chicken that was marinaded in olive oil, garlic, allspice, cinnamon, and onion. It was sort of like a Greek or Mediterranean flavor. I let Kelly and mom take a taste of some veggie lasagna that I had made previously. Oh man did it smell good, but no carbs for me, so I just had to let them eat it. *pout* I did fix myself some canned chicken with just a smell of mayonnaise for breakfast.

I got the chicken all prepared so we were off to get the tire replaced. After we got the tire done, I took mom and Kelly to the Enteman's store. Oh the bread and donuts and cookies oh my!!! I got some bread and some donuts for Jim. They were donuts that are not really my favorites so I can use my will power to stay out of them. We then headed out to the grocery store for a few things for mom. By the time we were done there, it was time to go to the dentist appointment.

We got to Kelly's appt about half an hour early. I was hoping that it would maybe get us in a little faster....well it was Western Dental....what was I thinking?!?!?! We sat there for almost an hour before they took Kelly. Right after Kelly went into the back, she came back out and told mom that they needed her in the back too. So mom went back and left me with all of the purses to watch. An hour and a half has gone by and still no word from either of them. I had to go outside because the only thing that they had on tv in the waiting room was Sponge Bob. OMG!!! I never want to watch cartoons again....okay just not Sponge Bob!!! I came back in about 40 minutes later, and they were still back there. By this time, it has been 5 hours since I have eaten breakfast. The 3 ounces of chicken that I ate at breakfast was GONE!!! I had no choice. I was getting light headed and I was getting a headache. The only food I had with me were the donuts that I got for Jim or the bread I bought with some onion mayonnaise. So the donut won the toss. I couldn't leave to go get something because I had mom and Kelly's purses. If they needed Kelly's insurance papers, or mom's bank account, I had them. So I ate ONE donut and a bottle of water a half an hour later.

By 2:45pm mom came out to ask me if I could wait for them to put another crown on Kelly then she would be done. The only other option was for her to come back again for another appointment. So you know my answer was put it on now. They said it would only take about 40 minutes. An hour later we were done.

At this point I have eaten 3 ounces of chicken and a donut. I wasn't hungry or starving but my body was telling me that something needed to change. Since Jim got off work at 4pm, I had to call him and see if he wanted to go out for dinner because we ran so late.

We all met at the house and then went to BJ's for dinner. I got an appetizer of chicken lettuce wraps and ate 4 lettuce leaves. I have to admit that I splurged and got a pomegranate margarita with no salt and on the rocks. Now I haven't had any alcohol in....I can't remember. Since I hadn't really eaten anything all day, my stomach was empty and the alcohol hit me. I could feel my cheeks flushing. Wow what a feeling. But it went away after I ate the appetizer. Too bad, I have been teasing Jim about getting me drunk and taking advantage of me since we were married 12 years ago. Maybe next time. LOL.

It was time to order, I ordered the Parmesan crusted chicken with a small bowl of clam chowder. I had every intention of taking the chicken home. You know what....I did too!!! After I ate the bowl of soup, I was done. I did however finish my drink!!! No dessert either!

We finally got mom and Kelly home, did a few things for mom, then headed home. Boy was I tired. It was well past time for me to go to karate, so Jim and I snuggled up and relaxed at home watching the tv.

All in all I stayed within what I should have eaten except of the donut, but that was a necessity and there was no way around it. So day 4 I am going to call a success for the most part.

The 5 day pouch test - Day 3

This morning I didn't get out of bed until 8am! I don't know what was going on. Shadow woke me up at 6am wanting some attention. I petted her for awhile and then fell back asleep. I woke up again around 7am, pulled the covers over my shoulders and went back to sleep. I finally really woke up at 7:44am but laid in bed until 8am snuggling with Shadow. Now if that isn't laziness I don't know what is. There is no reason for me to be like that this morning. I didn't work out yesterday so I'm not tired from that, I didn't do any hard yard work, or spend long amounts of time outside, so what made me tired. Well I'm not going to dwell on it, it's time to get off my can and get some things done!!


So this morning my blood sugar was 99! Woo Hoo!! Those are the numbers I like seeing. Today I can eat soft protein. Yeah, I couldn't believe how much I missed really chewing food. I thought that I would try some new things in my EggBeaters this morning. So I put in some cottage cheese and Mrs. Dash. Okay, well putting the cottage cheese in the eggs, wrong mistake! It turned my eggs into soggy scrambled eggs, yuck! It didn't hold up like Ricotta does. The Mrs. Dash...well lets just say we have a difference of opinion of what tastes good. So breakfast was not my best feat today. I had to eat it within 15 minutes which was no problem because it sort of slid down, yuck. The only good part of it was that I got that same feeling of something in my pouch. So I stopped eating. If you have been following my blog, you will know that I am using this feeling like a full feeling since I don't get the sensation of being full or hungry. By the way I was not hungry this morning even though I didn't wake up until 8am.


Now it's time to wait 30 minutes until I can drink some water and take my medicine. I am surprised that I have been able to drink 64 ounces of water a day. I normally don't get anywhere near that. I have to admit though, Crystal Light has been helping me a lot! The flavors make it easier to think that you are not drinking water for a diet, but more for, do I dare say....fun?!?! LOL.


I never made it to my 4am cardio this morning, so I am going to have to make it up some way else. I'm thinking that some yard work might do the trick but we'll see if the heat keeps me from it. If nothing else, I'm going to mow the lawn.


Oh, I almost forgot, I haven't really had any cravings for anything other than the first day. Now there are things that I would love to eat, like some peanut butter and chocolate cookies I have in the freezer, or some JellyBelly jell-o, but I have to be good. It's almost the end of July and I think that I have only lost maybe 10 pounds. That puts me at 40 pounds in 3 months. If I don't start getting serious, I'm never going to make my goal. If I don't make my goal, that will make me very unhappy and I don't need those thoughts right now.


12:56pm - Lunch was sort of hard to come up with. I didn't want to eat eggs again, and trust me neither would my hubby. *grin* I didn't want to eat tuna, because I can't eat that without a ton of mayonnaise and sweet pickle relish. So I ended up with some canned chicken. For a 12 ounce can of chicken I only used 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise. Chew, chew, chew, because it was fairly dry. I also ate with the chicken 4 cherry tomatoes (from my garden) and 3 sweet pickles, I needed a little flavor to the mix. I totaled up the whole thing and for a cup of food it came to about 250 calories. I had that feeling of something in my stomach again, so yes I took that as a full feeling, even though I could have still eaten the whole kitchen!!! I'm not hungry, it's just that food looks so good. What's that old saying, you don't want it until you can't have it! Well that's where I'm at now.


I am picking mom and Kelly up for a dentist appt tomorrow, and the first thing mom asked me is should they eat before I pick them up. Yep! Then she asked if I am able to go out to eat for lunch should Kelly be able (she's having deep cleaning done). I thought about it and thought, well maybe I could do it, then I thought, no, I have come this far and not slipped don't start now. So I told my mom no on eating out. I feel bad because that is one of their forms of enjoyment in going out places but this time I have to think of myself. Oh wait....did I just say that?!?!?! Did I just put myself first?!?!?! Everyone better take note, I don't think this has ever happened before AND it's in WRITING!!! LOL.


So now it's time to think about what to fix for dinner, and what I'm going to eat all day tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be a biggie for me, I will really have to focus on what goes into my mouth. Things get kind of jumbled when I have to spend all day with mom and Kelly.

I made some killer baked fish and some okay tasting green beans. The only problem was that by doing this 5 day pouch test, it has my insides all messed up. I started having diarrhea a little bit after lunch. I'm hoping that this isn't going to be the norm for the rest of the test.

I was only able to eat my fish and then I felt like there was something in my stomach so I quit eating. I haven't done any exercise this week and I'm starting to feel the effects of it. I am getting tired and it's not just because I have been eating less calories. At least I don't think so, I hope not.

The 5 day pouch test - Day 2

Well I survived yesterday without eating the house down, and I stayed within the plan of the test. Today is another liquid day. To bad it's not liquor eh? Just kidding. My blood sugar reading was 101 this morning and I didn't wake up starving. Not that I ever do but I was eating far less calories than I normally do since I wasn't snacking. I ate a total of 837 calories for the entire day, and that was with a snack!

I had to take Jim to the doctor's this morning for a check up so I didn't make time for making me a shake. I grabbed a sugar free pudding and was out the door. The pudding only had 60 calories but I figured that it would last me until I was able to get home. I think the hardest part of this whole test so far is the timing of everything. I can't drink 30 minutes before eating or after. So it comes down to do I want to eat, or do I want to make sure I get in all of my 64 ounces of water. Strangely enough, it's been the water winning out.

10:20am I am home and I fixed myself some soup for brunch. It was a can of Campbell's clunky clam chowder with 210 calories. I figured that that would be enough to get me through till dinner with maybe a snack in between. I'm only on my first bottle of water, so it's time to start picking up the pace. I've had too much to do this morning to worry about eating, so that is a huge plus. I did however feel something after eating the soup. It wasn't a full feeling but I knew that something was in my belly. Granted, I could have eaten many more bowls of soup but I stopped at the one cup. I guess that is what I'm going to have to take as my full feeling. Tomorrow will be the real test, I'll be able to eat semi soft food. The key so far is measure, measure, measure! I can tell you that my portion size sight is a little off. Well I shouldn't say my sight is off, it's my head wanting more, more, more. I feel like I'm starting all over again, but I guess this is what I needed.

I made it to dinner time without any snacking. I had half a cup of cream of chicken soup and a sugar free chocolate pudding. I knew my calories were low because I didn't really eat breakfast but when I entered them into my page at Sparkpeople.com, I had only consumed 442 calories. There is no way that I could get my cardio done with that little calories not to mention that I would totally crash my blood sugar in the middle of the night. So I decided to make myself a protein shake. With my shake, I was able to get in 832 calories. I was able to get in all of my 64 ounces of water again today.

The only regrets that I have as of 6:09pm tonight is that I haven't gotten any cardio in. I am thinking that I will go to the gym tomorrow morning at 4am and get some cardio then, and then when Jim comes home from work, I will go back to the gym and get another 40 minutes of cardio and my strength training in. Besides I will be on solid food tomorrow and will be able to break down the calories better. Who knows, the twice a day cardio may turn into a habit. We'll see how I feel.

The 5 day pouch test - Day 1

Today is day one of me trying the 5 day pouch test. I am trying to see where I am at with my stomach. Here is an expert from the website that I am following.

The first two days are all liquids. You can have as many low-carb protein shakes
as you like to satisfy hunger or cravings. In addition drink at least six 8-ounce glasses of water each day. The purpose of all liquids is to break any snacking, grazing or processed carbohydrate habits. In addition the liquids will work to cleanse your system and prepare you for the following three days.
Try to reduce your caffeine intake as well, but do not stop caffeine cold turkey or
you will feel sick and frustrated potentially losing the desire to continue with
the pouch test.
It is very important to drink a minimum of 64 ounces of water each day. This will prevent dehydration, will help curb cravings and will flush your body of toxins and fat. Sufficient water intake improves kidney function and cell processes.

10:36am - Breakfast was fine, I had one of my protein shakes. I drank it around 6am. I still don't have that feeling of being full or hungry that I know of. It could be that I just have never really experienced it so I don't know what to look for. A couple hours after breakfast, as I was picking up the house to do laundry etc., I saw the jar of peanuts on the floor. I instantly went to grab them. I wasn't hungry, they were just there. I was good and didn't have any. A little later I was sitting on the couch watching a little tv with Shadow, and again, I looked at those peanuts. I almost grabbed them, then told myself no. Then like a spoiled child, I started looking around for something else. I had some chips by the couch from last night. I wanted so bad to just pop a few in my mouth. No, darn it!! Today is only liquids. What is wrong with me! AARRGGG!!! So I walked away. Out of sight out of mind right? Wrong. I still kept thinking about them. So I figured it was time for a bottle of water. I grabbed a bottle of water, put a crystal light flavor in it and I seem to be better. I had to put the peanuts and chips away out of sight or I was going to still think about them. Wow I didn't think this was going to be so hard. Now I know that I had really fallen off the band wagon. Time to turn my head around. I can eat lunch at 11am let's see if the cravings subside after that.

2:49pm - Lunch was good, I had some creamy spinach and artichoke soup. It was thick enough that my head thought that I actually ate something. I still wasn't full because I could have eaten another 5 gallons of that soup. Yummm. Anyway, I had to wait for half an hour before I could resume drinking my water again. I had a sweet craving, so I had to wait another half an hour before I could eat some sugar free Jell-O. If you are wondering what is going on, I have to stop drinking fluids a half an hour before I eat, and can't resume until a half an hour after I eat. AAARRRGGG!! What a pain...but I'm not eating. But boy do I have to really pay attention to what I'm doing. I can't just go through the day picking as I go. I have to be aware of time frames. By the way, I still want those peanuts and chips!!!

Well dinner went well. I opted to have some soup rather than my protein shake. I still didn't feel hungry or full but I did notice that other than the chips and peanuts, I didn't crave food too much. I was able to get all my 64 ounces of water in. In the website, they said that I may have carb cravings. I never got nauseous or have any stomach pains, so I'm thinking, I'm okay on the carb situation. I normally don't eat that may carbs anymore anyway. So that was a plus. I'll let ya know how tomorrow goes.

Corn Festival at Sloughouse

Saturday, Davis Farm in Sloughouse was having a corn festival. I thought that it would be something fun to check out, and mom and Kelly would have a nice outing. We got there at 9am and people were already starting to show up. We decided to do some shopping at the market before we headed over to see what was up at the festival.
Kelly asked me how to pick a good cantaloupe so I showed her. Then mom decided that it would make a good photo. Okay mom doesn't have the best plans. LOL.

Here is just a quick shot of the stand at Sloughouse. Oh man the produce looked so good! It was so hard not to buy everything in sight.
I saw these great bunches of flowers for sale and thought that mom and I needed some color in our lives. They were great prices too. The bunches were only 8-10 dollars. As we were walking through the festival, I couldn't help but be amazed at these. I'm not sure if they are bird houses or not but I loved the wood! I talked to the artist and he told me that it was 80-100 year old grape vines that he put through a tumbling process to make them look like drift wood. They were amazing!! I would have bought one if I could have afforded it but where would I put it. So reality came over me and I took a photo instead.
I had to get a photo of this lady. She makes these cute little tutu's. She has little skull and crossbones on it that naturally caught my eye. Unfortunately, she didn't have any like the one she was wearing but we got her card. I see a tutu in my future.....

We had a fun time but I was glad when it was over. The day was hot, and I was ready to head home. So I now have some corn, melons, apples, squash, and ginger. The only problem is that I can't eat any of it this week. That's ok, read this blog to find out why.

The 5 day pouch test

I have been having some trouble with eating the right portions and eating the right foods. A fellow weight loss patient, from my support group, had mentioned this site in an e-mail, and I thought that I would give it a try.

If you are interested in reading more detail about what I am doing, click here to go to the web page.

There are a few things that are going to be hard to get used to, and that is eating in 15 minutes. I have just trained myself to eat slower. But since the portion sizes will be smaller, maybe it won't make that much of a difference.

I plan on starting this Monday the 20th. I will also be going to all of my strength training sessions, 3 times a week, karate classes on Mon. and Thurs., and lastly cardio every day! Wholly cow...did I say cardio every day. Well this weight has to come off some how. I am still sticking to my 50 pounds gone by Halloween. I would love to be able to fit into a plus size costume this Halloween.

I have no reason for excuses, Jim has the bike back on the road, Kelly has a dentist appt. but it's not until later in the afternoon, and finally, I HAVE to do this for MYSELF!! I'm not going to let anything get in my way this time. It's my way or the highway this week. I'm going to regain my self confidence even if it means I'm a little selfish this week. So watch out world....I'm coming through and you better step aside!!!

Perception or actuality?

Last night, I had some emotional issues that I thought were resolved, obviously they haven't been. I have been told that I see everything in a negative way. Well let me explain that. When something doesn't go exactly right, I turn it into my fault, that it was something that I did wrong. Now, I personally don't see that I am like this, but I do know that I have some image issues. With all that being said I struggle with how I see things. Is it just my perception of how I see and react to a situation, or did it really happen that way.

I am a very sensitive person when it comes to emotions, and how I am perceived to others and vise versa. So last night was a real struggle for me.

Last night was my intermediate karate class. I was running a little bit late. I walked into class, and there were some people there that hadn't been there in a long time. I fell into line, and proceeded to participate in the class. Jay the normal instructor wasn't there so Adrian was teaching the class. Adrian is a good teacher, he goes slow, and makes sure you understand what it is he is asking of you. The two people that haven't been there are Gerald, he studies Mui Tay and is an advanced student. The other student is Doreen, she is a beginning student. Now the way things work at the gym are that men practice with men and women practice with women.

I am no where near an advanced student, but I have been going to almost every class since I started. I am having issues with the classes even before last night due to how the class is taught, and some tension between the instructors. When I started, Saturday was the self defense class and the Monday and Thursday classes were the Tang Soo Do karate. I was fine with that. Then things started to change. Some of the instructors wanted to learn some new form of karate and it started bleeding over into the karate classes. Not to mention, that everyone had their own style of teaching the moves in Tang Soo Do and everyone wanted you to do it their way and not the way of the other instructors. So Saturdays class was different than Monday's and Thursday's was different than Monday's and Saturday's. The classes started loosing people due to other things (I hope) rather than the style changes. I went with the flow of the classes, I learned the new things etc. I was getting really comfortable with the moves and what I was doing.

Then last night everything changed. I didn't think that Gerald intimidated me but I guess he does. As for Doreen, that is a whole other story. When I first started, she had already gone to a few classes before me. That was fine. When Spencer asked if I would like to join them in practice on Friday's, I felt things started to feel different. I am a very shy person and usually have to have people come up to me to start a conversation. In class I don't say much, and I stand quietly watching and listening. So I know that I tend to portray an array of arrogance. But that is really so not me. Anyway, I felt tension between Doreen and myself. Again, I don't know if this is my perception or if the tension was actually there. But it got to the point that if she was there, I really didn't want to be. I am also a perfectionist and a fast learner so once I learn something and get it down, I want to learn something else. Now we all learn at different levels. Since Doreen and I were the only women in the class, we were always paired together. Which is fine but there was a kind of competition between us, that to me started to feel nasty. It felt like a one up manship all of the time. I don't like that. I lived with that going up and I try and stay away from all of those feelings.

Well it wasn't long before Doreen stopped coming to class. The negative competition seemed to go away. I was doing good, at least the instructors said so. Then last night when I had to work with Doreen again, all of those feelings came rushing back. My self confidence was shot to hell, and I felt like I was a failure. Not to mention that we were doing moves that we haven't done in months, but that is no excuse. Why does this woman bring out these feelings in me. I can't stand to be around her. I would never be rude or ignore her because that is not my nature. I was seriously thinking about quiting the classes, but didn't want to feel like a failure in that I had to quit because of some stupid emotions.

I know I am not explaining this as well as I probably could, because it is an emotional issue for me. I probably sound like I am a royal princess and ego fanatic but I'm really not. I cried all the way home from the gym last night because I don't really want to quit the class but I can't concentrate and really learn when I feel like this. Not to mention, it throws my self esteem into the toilet, and I feel like I lose all of the work that I have done so far.

So what do I do? Do I just put these feelings aside and try and bury them to forget them? That's not healthy. Do I confront her with my feelings? That's not cool. What if I am the only one that feels this way, then I look like a real horses arse. Do I quit? Then I'm letting someone else run my life.

I know I have issues, but I thought that I had them handled. This makes me wonder if I am fooling myself. And yes, I guess that is a negative thought that makes things all about me. But if I continue to think like this, will I ever change? Will I ever be happy? Is it because I'm not happy with how I look? Is it because I'm not sure who I really am? I just don't know.

As it stands, I will be missing the self defense class Saturday, due to taking my mom and sister to a corn festival, but part of it is that I don't want to see Doreen. Is that wrong? It feels wrong, but it also feels like the only way to deal with it right now.

A new Tuesday ritual?

Tuesday's temperatures were going to be into the triple digits, and since mom and Kelly don't have air conditioning, I thought that I would take them out to some places that were cool. It turns out that mom and Kelly thought that they were cool in more ways than one!!

I picked them up around 7am to get an early start. Mom knew where I was planning on taking them for breakfast but Kelly didn't. I thought it was going to kill my sister not knowing where we were going. Oh course, mom and I kept telling her it was either some tofu place or someplace like McDonald's. I know I am so evil. But what can I say, it's in my nature. LOL.

We finally got to downtown and found a place to park in front of Crepeville. I have taken mom there a few times before, but this was Kelly's first time. Kelly is a real sucker for crepes and I thought that this would be a nice surprise. Not to mention that they have FANTASTIC food!!!

I sat them down at a table to look over the menu. I thought for sure we would be there by lunch time before they figured out what they wanted to order.
Kelly looked a little disappointed when she opened the menu and found all kinds of savory crepes and no sweet ones. Oh course mom and I had to tease her about it, but then we showed her the back of the menu with all of the dessert crepes. You can see the joy she found when she read that part!
Naturally we all ordered something different. I was trying to stay within my healthy eating if you can actually do that at a place that sells crepes. Luckily, I knew from before that you can get a plate of fresh fruit as a side or instead of your potatoes. Uh hum....I added mine as a side with my potatoes. Since Kelly got a dessert crepe, she ordered a side of potatoes. You can see how big the portions are! But trust me they are well worth it.
Here is my order. You notice that there is a couple of bites out of it before I took the picture!! LOL. I ordered the Canneloni crepe. There were others that had more veggies and stuff but oh it tasted sooo good. I only ate about a quarter of it and took the rest home. You can't imagine how hard it was to take it home. But I was good.
Mom ordered the Californian crepe. It was full of veggies, and avocado with sour cream. Yep, there are a few bites out of that one too!!

And last but definitely not least, was Kelly's order. She ordered a dessert crepe that was a Raspberry Blintz. Man it looked good. The crepe was surrounded with applesauce. Mmmm.

If you would like to know a little bit more about Crepeville, I found a site that has there menu and some great reviews. Just click here to check it out.

After we had stuffed ourselves with food, we walked across the street to the Buckhorn to see what they offered for lunch. Hey, hey, now, off my back, it was for Jim's lunch not mine. LOL. We looked over the menu there and then did some window shopping at the bead store, and a pottery store. It was a good thing that they weren't open yet, they had some fantastic stuff to look at. But since they weren't open....no money was spent....at least at that trip.

I was trying to think of things that weren't that costly to do and I thought of the farmers market. It had been awhile since any of us had gone to one, and I thought it would be a blast. Besides, there are always some free samples!!

The farmers market didn't open until 10am which was going to give us plenty of time to check it out, get back to the Buckhorn to get Jim's lunch, and then deliver it to him by noon. Whew. By the time we found a parking place downtown at 9th and P street, we were cutting it really close. The only parking place I could find was a 30 minute only. I told mom and Kelly that we are going to have to really hoof it today. They were up for the challenge. The very first table we came to had some blackberries. Oh man, the lady let us sample them. I could have eaten at least a bushel of them right then and there. But we walked on. We promised to come back before we left though.

There weren't a ton of people there but enough that it was hard for me to get too many pictures. Not to mention I was too busy sampling all of the great produce. But here is mom and Kelly pondering over whether or not to buy this tomato. Ok, this photo is staged, since mom and I both planted three tomato plants at home, but it's a good photo!! LOL.
Now you know that this photo isn't staged...mom and Kelly would kill me if they knew that I took a photo of their backsides!! We saw some absolutely beautiful flowers there. If I was going straight home, I might have bought some.

Before we left the market, we found a table that was selling some cheese. OMG, this cheese was excellent! Mom bought some for us to share....she conveniently forgot to give me some when I went home. Just kidding, I had to leave quickly to go get Jim, and didn't get to take any home. But I had to give her some grief anyway. We did stop back at the blackberries and I bought 3 small baskets of them. They actually made it home. But not for long!!!

We finished off our day by getting a free Baja fish taco from Long John Silvers and having lunch. Once again I have told my mom about something good, and until I take her to it or make her eat it, she waits forever to try it. Turns out she really likes them. Go figure. LOL.

We stopped off at the drug store and the grocery store, then I took them home. It was a long hot day, but it was a fun day. The whole day, mom and Kelly kept asking if we are going to do this again next Tuesday. Well we may do the farmers market but all of the eating out is not going to happen. But it was fun non the less.

We'll see what is in store for me next Tuesday.

Here's how I train

Well I had a bright idea this morning, that I would take my camera to the gym and have Zach take a photo of what I do at my training sessions with him. Okay well it sounded like a good idea when it was in my head, but after seeing the photos....well I think I need to get back to the gym. No wonder people look at me....I would look at me too. Do I really look like this?! Oh lord!!

These are what Zach calls rows. I have any where from 140-160 pounds that I am pulling back to my chest. I do three sets of 15 of these.

This one I have no idea what it's called, but Zach is having me do these to help strengthen up my shoulders and equalize my arms. These will help a lot with my throws in karate too. The weight I usually have on these is 70-80 pounds on each arm. I also do three sets of 15 on these.

Next, are my favorites *sneer*. These are the squats. I have to keep my arms straight, sit down on that little red metal stand, then stand back up again. All of that right there is a count of one!!! Yes you can see the love I have for these on my face!!! Today I did one set of 15 at 80 pounds, another set of 12 at 70 pounds, and my last set of 15 at 60 pounds! I asked Zach why do I feel like throwing up, and he told me that's because I'm doing them right. LOVELY!!! At least I got through them.

Next are these 45 degree bending things. Funny they don't look really hard huh. Well after all of the other sets, these can feel darn right impossible. This photo is the start of the exercise. I stand like this. Notice that there are no strings holding me on, no weights counter balancing me...it's all me baby!

This is the second half of the exercise. I bend down and with the strength in my back, legs, and butt, I bring myself back up to an upright position. I do three sets of 10 of these.

The last exercise that I do Zach couldn't take a picture for me because we ran out of time. But it is another exercise to help strengthen my back and upper abs. I stand holding each end of a rope at either side of my neck. I then bend down as far as I can, and straighten up again keeping my stomach tight and not coming all the way straight up. These are actually the easiest of all the exercises that I do. I do two sets of 15 of these at 55 pounds.

Now on top of doing this three times a week, I am supposed to do cardio of 40 minutes at least 4-5 times a week. I also have karate three times a week. Although the karate is becoming less and less cardio and just something fun to go to. But I'm keeping up with my routine. I have to force myself sometimes to go, but if I'm going to reach 50 pounds down by October, I have to keep this up.

By the way the scale at the gym this morning read at 344. That's down 8 pounds since my cry for help. I even weighed after I ate breakfast. So all is well.

Time to start harvesting

I have been neglecting my veggies for awhile and Jim told me that I had to come look at them. So this morning before I headed off to the gym, I checked out my bounty! Wow!!! Time to eat some salads!! As you can tell they need some love and water, so that is next on the list of things to do today. But enough of that check these out!!!

These are my Roma tomatoes. I can't believe how many there are!!

These are my Jet tomatoes. These are supposed to be low in acid. Although I'm having some problems with these guys. Some of them seem to be rotting on the bottoms before they ripen. Not sure what is going on but I'll look into it.

And low and behold, my Sweet 100's. They are soooo good. And they are really thriving too!
My bell peppers. It's kind of hard to see but I actually have about 3-4 almost ready to be picked! Oh poor Jim....he hates bell peppers!!!

And finally, my cucumbers. I have two really nice big ones but I'm not sure when to pick them. Do I wait until they are all filled out like a tube, or can I pick them now? No worries though, Jim is the only one that likes these! Yuck. The things I do for a marriage. LOL.

So that is the drama of the veggies for today. I am going to go out an harvest them after I am done here, and see what kind of masterpieces I can create! Mmmmmm. Now off to the kitchen.

Thank you all for the support

I know that most of you looked at my cry for help and thought what in the world could I do? Well believe it or not, you all did it just by reading my blog.

Just to give you all a little insight to how my head works. I was in a super low point when I wrote my blog. It was the end of the month, and I felt like I had not accomplished anything. My weight was up, I was feeling guilty about not working out like I should have, and I kept catching myself eating things I would not normally eat (like a bag of white chocolate cooking chips). I was also catching myself buying junk, and eating it while Jim was not home, or wasn't looking. An advantage and disadvantage of not letting Jim in the kitchen while I cook. *wink*. I couldn't take it anymore. I normally don't bother anyone with my issues because I don't do well with others doting all over me. I am more comfortable dealing with things alone. When I have to ask for help, I feel weak and that I didn't have what it takes to get the job done. Now I know to most of you this kind of thinking is stupid. I'm sorry but it is the way I have always dealt with things. It has always been easier to work things out alone than to upset the balance of life. I also have a huge fear of failure. So for me having to ask for help is a failure on my part. There are many reasons why I have developed this kind of thinking and they are deep rooted in my past, but they tend to leak into how I deal with things today.

With that being said, I have to set the record straight that Jim is not the culprit of my eating issues. I know many of you read my blog thinking that Jim was the one that wanted the goodies and things and that I just ate them and didn't tell him about it. That is wrong. Jim very seldom actually wants sweets. I am the one that craves them. Jim wouldn't ask for the stuff, I would buy it because I thought that he should have it should he ever want it. Where deep down, I do realize that I bought it because I wanted it around for me not Jim. I was the one that would go to the store and buy ice cream and buy a flavor that I know Jim would like, but I was the one that got into it at every chance I could. The house really doesn't have that much junk in it except when I buy it. So please, everyone, don't take it out on Jim. Jim is one of my greatest supporters ever. He has stood by me through all of the ups and downs, and let me tell you there have been many!! Jim would never sabotage anything that I do.

Anyway, I didn't expect anyone to do anything for me really. I had just reached a point that I had to let it out. I couldn't take the pressure I was putting on myself. I guess it was also sort of a pity party and venting session. The only thing I can tell you of what I expected was in the movie "Good Will Hunting", there is a part where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon that it's not his fault. If you haven't seen the movie, it's hard to explain. But I think I just needed someone to hold me and let me know that I'll get through this, and to let me let some of my self made pressure go. I expect so much from myself, more so than others ever do.

I have to admit that I read a few e-mails and posts the night I posted my blog, and they brought a tear to my eye. I knew that you all supported me but never realized the impact that my blog would have on many of you. I really felt the love from all of you, love I very seldom give myself. So for that I thank you all so much.

I did wake up the next morning with a bit of panic in my mind. Here is where I have my "stinkin thinkin" as most therapists would call it. I instantly thought, what am I going to do now. I have put out a cry for help, and now I'm going to get it. I am going to have all of my friends and family contacting me to see how I am doing and what they can do to help. Most people would think this as a good thing. Now don't get me wrong I love you all for wanting to do this, but in my head I turn it into that I am not strong enough to be able to lose this weight and change my life. I never want anyone to change their life or lifestyle to accommodate me. This was my idea to make this change, and I have to learn to live with it in the real world. So this is the thought of panic that came over me. I don't want any of you to think that I don't want your help, because that is not true. I just have to learn to change my way of thinking, accepting compliments, and asking and receiving help. Please bear with me, I am getting better, but this is something that isn't going to change over night. So please don't worry about me. Once I got my cry out, I was already picking myself up and starting the change.

I went to the gym on Friday and pushed my hardest with my trainer and it felt wonderful. I didn't eat junk on the 4th and have started to get back on the band wagon. I am feeling much better and that is from all of your love and support. So for this, again, I thank you all, and love you all so much.

A cry for help!!

It's 2:39pm on a Thursday afternoon, and 85 days until my best friend Wendy's wedding. I had set a goal of 50 pounds lost in 5 months. Now with my Lap Band it should be no problem. In fact it should be a total walk in the park. But no. I am having problems. I could make excuses on why I'm not losing weight, like I have too much stress, no time, I've been sick, I've hurt my shoulder (I really did), but they are just that, excuses. I have lost a bit of my drive and motivation. Yes, it's harder to get to the gym because Jim and I only have the one car now, but I have an exercise bike here at home. But there again, it's an excuse.

Exercise is not the only problem either. My eating has gotten out of control. I have gone back to my pre-surgery habits again. The sneaking food, this is the worst one because I'm only hurting myself. Jim doesn't care if he has that apple pie, or chocolate bar. But yet I feel like I have to hide it from him that I have eaten it. And I have been eating stupid things!! Like I get a craving for cheese. All in all the cheese is not that bad for me...except when I eat half of a cup of it!!! I start out okay in the mornings and sometimes even into lunch. It's the time after lunch that kills me. I eat without thinking. I sometimes eat as early as a half an hour after I have eaten lunch.

I STILL don't have any feeling of being full or hungry. I am back to eating because I'm bored, stressed, unhappy, or breathing. This has got to stop!! And it has to stop now!!! Another disgusting aspect of this bad habit, is that I am lying to myself. Sort of an out of site, out of mind. Except when I get on the scale at the gym or try and put on my Gi for karate, that it comes back into site and into mind. After it has come back into mind, I feel guilty, disgusted, and totally down on myself and yep you guessed it, I start eating again. The sad thing is that it doesn't comfort me anymore and yet I still do it.

I have to get this weight off, not just for the wedding but for my own sake and health. I haven't seen my surgeon for 4 months because I'm ashamed of the 25 pounds I have put back ON!!! I was 20 pounds away from 100 pounds lost until I put the pounds back on.

I am not sure how to get my head back into the game. I know what I have to do, but I am having a hard time actually doing it. So I am breaking down and asking all of you for help. Those of you who really know me, know that this is the hardest thing for me to ever do, is ask for help. But I have no other option.

4th of July pies for Jim's work

Last night I decided that I needed to make some pies for the guys at Jim's work. Since the Governor has decided that all state workers need to take another furlough day, some of the guys have to work on Friday before the 4th. So the guys don't get a three day weekend. I personally thought that it sucks, so I figured I would ease the pain with pie!!

I wanted all of the guys to be able to have some pie so I sent them with Jim today rather than taking them in on Friday. Now out of the guys that are working today, I needed to be watchful not to include any dairy, not to make stuff too sweet, and have enough for about 10 guys to have a piece of each. How do you make a red, white, and blue pie with no white?!? Ah ha! Make berry pies and send a carton of CoolWhip!!

I was up till 10:30pm last night making the pies, but it was well worth the effort!! The two pies I made were a mixed berry pie that had strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and blackberries. The other pie was a single crust blueberry pie. Here they are cooling on the table below.

This is a close up of the mixed berry pie. Mmmmmm!

And of course the blueberry pie.

I packaged them all up so Jim wouldn't have a hard time taking them in this morning, sent in some paper plates, forks, and serving utensils.

I got a call from Jim about an hour and a half later. Jim had to inform me of the status of the pies. Now I thought that they would all wait until lunch and scarf them down then. Nope. Jim told me that as soon as he put them down, they were observed and the boss came and took a slice, then the whole crew followed suit!! There was only one slice of blueberry left and only one piece taken out of the mixed berry. Wow!!

Jim called me before his lunch and the pies were still safe but not everyone had gone to lunch yet. Who knows if there will be any pie left for the guys tomorrow, but at least they enjoyed it today!!!

First glance...what is it?

Shadow wanted me to go outside with her this morning, so I did. Not that I really do anything out there but watch her run around, but I went out. Shadow was running around snooping in everything, and started looking disappointed. Her friend was not in his backyard yet. She had no one to play with. As I sat there, I decided to cut down some more trees by the fence. I grabbed my ratcheting clippers and off I went. I wanted to get at least the privets that were growing in the concrete by the pool. As I was cutting, I noticed something in a pile of wood. It gave me a startle at first until I really looked at it. I couldn't believe my eyes. Was it really what I thought it was?!? Judge for yourself. I had to take a photo of it! Can you tell what it is?Okay, now don't tell me that you didn't think it was a RAT!!!! I thought wow it's either dead or trapped because it never moved!! Now I know why. It was a piece of wood!

After I ran back inside to grab the camera and took the photo of my "rat", I sat back down and watched Shadow play. Her friend finally came outside and she waited so patiently for him to come to the fence.
They wiggled and chatted through the fence for a little bit and then you could tell that he went and got one of his toys. My heart sank and swelled at the same time. When Shadow's friend got his toy, Shadow ran over and grabbed one of her toys and took it to the fence. Man I'm tearing up just typing this. Did I do the right thing and not get her a friend, or not push more to socialize her. It's times like this that I feel like I have failed her as an owner. I know she has love, food, toys, and all of that, but does she have everything she really needs.

We came back in after awhile and Shadow came up and nestled down next to me. Almost in saying, mommy it's ok, I have what I need. What I need is you.

Father's Day

We didn't do a whole lot on Father's Day. I got up and made Jim breakfast of biscuits and gravy with smoked sausage and eggs, while Shadow gave papa his card and gift. We sat around most of the morning just relaxing. It was kind of nice for a change.

A couple of days before, we had just gone out and bought me a new grill. My old grill, the rack was all rusty and gross. Hee hee, a new Halloween prop eh?!?!?! Anyway, Father's day was the day I broke in the grill.

I had made myself some turkey slider patty's that actually weren't that bad. Of course my portion size was four of them!! LOL.Yep I ate them with no bun, mayo, nothing. Surprisingly they weren't dry either.

But here is papa's dinner!!! Yep you can see my mini turkey burger down on the coals basking in the fat and juices of Jim's steak. This was actually a beautiful piece of meat. I got this for our anniversary dinner but then ended up not cooking it. So I used my foodsaver and froze it. There was no freezer burn or anything on this wonderful rib eye. I didn't do anything fancy with it either, just salt, pepper, garlic, and onion powder.As you can see the steak came out fantastic!! And of course, I had to throw in a lobster tail too. Not like Jim was complaining at all!!! I got a couple of bites of the steak just to taste it, I didn't want any more than that. Honest!!! It was very good. Tender, and juicy. All in all I think it was a good Father's day for all, especially Jim. He deserves a day at least once a year! LOL

6/20/09 At the gym with Mom & Kelly

Kelly had a dentist appointment on Saturday, and I had my self defense class to go to. So I thought to myself, how am I going to get all of this done. Then it came to me. If I take mom and Kelly to the gym with me, they could work out while I go to my self defense class. I got them a one day pass and here they are proudly showing them off in front of Gold's Gym.

Kelly has that wild eyed look of I'm going to do this! The funny part of all of this is that she is lifting 5 pound weights. Hee hee. She didn't want to work out with the 17.5 pound weights I use.

I know it's hard to tell, but Kelly really isn't falling asleep on this....at least I don't think she was. LOL. I had both her and mom set up on pushing 40 pounds on these leg presses. Mom was surprised that she could do these and it not hurt her hip. That's a good thing. If she breaks her hip one more time, I'm going to have to kill her.

Here mom and Kelly are working on the backs of their arms and shoulders. I had them set up at 10 pounds, and they couldn't believe how hard it was. We only did about one set of these before it was time for my class to start.

This had to be the funniest photo of all!! I set both of them up on just a flat surface going at about a 40 minute mile. Mom keeps saying that she would like a treadmill but after walking on this one for awhile, I think she may change her mind. I don't know how long they actually stayed on the treadmills because I was in class, but they were huffing nicely. Hee hee. They sat and watched me finish out my class and I introduced them to my instructors Carl and Adrian.

Mom was so proud that she worked off 86 calories!!! I didn't have the heart to tell her that 86 calories is barely her coffee. LOL.

They seemed to have a lot of fun, and I was able to get them to Kelly's appointment on time. They got to see what I go through for strength training and what one of my karate classes looks like.

By the way, I haven't heard anymore about working out or wanting a treadmill or exercise tapes...hummm. LOL.

When will I get it through my head

Last night I went in early to the gym to make sure I got in my strength training, cardio, and karate. I was able to do it all but boy was I tired.

This morning, I was feeling good but my left shoulder was killing me. I couldn't move it without some sort of pain. But the day had to go on. Since I had gone to the gym last night, I covered my training for today.

I got up and didn't want to make anything, and didn't really want to eat cottage cheese. I remembered that I made some mini quiches. I grabbed four of them and heated them up in the toaster oven. I grabbed about a tablespoon of ranch dressing and a bottle of water with Crystal Light in it and that was breakfast. I wasn't hungry afterwards, but I wasn't really full either. But I didn't want to eat anymore. When I was at the gym last night I weighed myself and I had gained another two pounds since I saw Zach, my trainer, last week.

Four hours later, it was lunch time. Again, I didn't feel like fixing anything. I really didn't care if I ate or not. But I knew I had to eat. I got out some leftover chicken meat from the tortilla-less chicken enchiladas I made last week. I heated up the chicken, added about an ounce of cheese, and a half a cup of lettuce to equal my cup of food. Well it was a little to hot to eat, and while I was waiting for it to cool down, I decided to have a spoonful of ice cream. That spoonful ended up to the rest of the carton. Now granted that only added up to about two cups of ice cream but it was still totally gluttonous. I didn't even really want the ice cream but the one spoonful but once I got started, it was like I couldn't stop. The worst part of all of this is that after the ice cream, I ate the salad I made too. Then about an hour later I ate a snack size bag of chips. Another hour later I ate another snack size bag of carmel popcorn, 100 calorie, but by this time it didn't matter.

What is wrong with me. When am I going to be able to get back on track. What is it going to take. I wanted to lose 50 pounds by Wendy's wedding, but I'll never make it like this. I'll be lucky if I don't put on 50 pounds. The sad thing is that I don't think I was overly stressed, depressed, sad, or bored. So why did I just stuff my face. This is something that I'm really going to have to watch. It's going to be hard, but I have to get back into only a cup of food a meal, good choices, no carbs, and logging every little thing that goes into my mouth. I may have to resort to getting rid of all of the sweets in the house until I can get myself under control. I hate to do that because then I feel like I am depriving Jim of his snacks because I can't quit eating. But I have to do something.

I'm going to bake some fish tonight for dinner, but starting tomorrow morning, I'm going back to my two protein shakes a day and one meal with actual food. Something has to happen, and I don't like the way it's going now.

Not bad for an hours worth of work

I got up this morning and decided that it was time to do some more yard work. It was a fantastic morning. There was a nice breeze blowing, and it was nice and cool in the shade. So I drug out the lawnmower and headed to it. The lawn only took me about half an hour to mow, and since I had more energy I headed out to the back yard. This is what I did with the other half hour this morning. Not bad eh?!

I came back in the house for a little while to pay some bills, and log my food for the morning. This morning I only had cottage cheese, banana, and 2 ounces of yogurt. So when I came in the house, I wanted something to nibble on. NO!!!! Stop that kind of thinking!!! I grabbed a water and started to blog about last weekend.

After being in the house, I started to sit down to watch television again. I watched an hour show called I want to save your life. Then it dawned on me that I was sitting on my butt again, and there is no show good enough to burn calories without doing something. So I turned off the t.v. and went back outside. I got a lot more done, and was able to use my favorite tool, the chipper!!! So if Jim ever comes up missing....LOL. I still haven't reached my goal for Father's Day, but I am well on my way. I finally got tired and came back in. It was only 12:30pm!! I couldn't believe I did as much as I did in that little of time. WOW! I'm feeling really great now.

I don't know if I will go back out again tonight, but I know that I will sure sleep good!! I've got dinner ready to BBQ when Jim gets home, and then I think it's a relaxing evening.

Weekend of June 12-14

Here's a little inside to the craziness that lives inside my head. It's the weekend and I have made an appointment with my trainer at the gym for Monday morning. We had just gotten rid of two lawnmowers which left a nice big, fairly clean area on the patio. So I decide that Jim and I should go to Home Depot and get some bolts for my new punching bag stand. I have every intention to set it up on the back patio. We head off to Home Depot and get the bolts and come home. Then I take another look at the patio and decide that it needs to be cleaned up some more before I set up the bag. I have to have room to move around to hit the bag right?! Well Jim grabs a broom and his gloves and is going to help me clean the patio. Well by that time I didn't want to do it. I wasn't sure where I really wanted the bag. Okay, project one, abandoned.

Then I get this wild hair to tighten the chain on the chainsaw. I drag it into the house, look at it, and go ask Jim for some assistance. I have tightened chains before, but this one looked different and I didn't want to break the saw. He got it tightened for me, and off I go. The first victim is the Camellia out front. I cut it down as far as I can. Jim takes the pieces out to the street for me. Okay what's next?!?!?! Ahh...the hibiscus tree out back. Jim HATES that tree and now it's getting in the way of things. So off I head for the back yard with chainsaw in hand.

Now I know you may be wondering what this photo has to do with me and my chainsaw experiences, but trust me it's relevant. The above photo is that of the shallow end of our pool. Those fish you see in the photo are mosquito fish put in there about, oh, four or five years ago. Yep we did the responsible thing and had the fish put in. Now when we had them put in, you couldn't hardly see them. These are the size of them now! Anyway, the hibiscus tree is right next to the pool. Hence the reason Jim hates the tree. However, we haven't swam in the pool for years!! It was time now to go and start hacking away at the tree.


Now this is the tree after I hacked on it for a few minutes. You notice that the limbs are hanging over our neighbors yard. That wooden shed looking thing is his bird aviary, where he sells birds. I had to be real careful not to let the limbs drag or fall on the roof. That would be disastrous!! But I got it done. It was past lunch and I was ready to stop for awhile anyways. We headed out and grabbed something to eat at McDonald's. I know, how is that food good for me. Well I did get a fruit salad, a grilled snack wrap, and some chicken tenders. Shadow got most of the tortilla on the wrap, a bite of every chicken tender, and a little bit of apple. So I actually only ate my one cup. But I realize that I just made an excuse for eating poorly. Anyway we got back home, ate, and I went back to take the limbs out to the street for Wednesday's pickup.

Here is the pile that I ended up with. Jim was surprised that I was able to get all of that out to the street. I had only worked on it for a couple of hours, with cutting and then dragging and carrying it out front. It really wasn't that bad. Of course until I really felt it on Monday!!

So here are the plans for the up and coming weeks ahead. This area is hopefully to be done by Father's Day. What I mean by done is cut down and all the limbs out to the street. This is going to be a job within its self.

This is the next weeks project. This section is not going to be fun. There is a small area between the fence and the pool. Not much room to be moving around. Not to mention that there is a huge holly tree in that mess and I think a rose bush too. Ouch. As you can see there are grape vines running through it all. This is going to be the week of major calories, water, and probably brain cells lost!!

Then this is the week after that. Which will hopefully take me to the 4th of July, so we can enjoy being outside. We will see though. This section has bamboo that has been left to run ramped for many many years.

Now all of this came about because I decided to go back to the trainer at the gym. So what possess me to kill myself before the trainer? That I'm not sure I can answer. The only thing that I can tell you is that I felt fantastic that I was able to do this, and felt even better when I saw Zach on Monday. I am still dealing with food issues and eating right. But at least for this time, I'm getting back on the wagon and getting my exercise in. Not to mention the pride and self confidence I'm building by being able to say that "I did this!!!"

Sidetracked by the television

This morning I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I should clean out the refrigerator, the patio, the kitchen, the garage, the bedrooms, and the bathroom. Nah, I don't feel like it today. That doesn't mean that I won't do it, I just don't want to do it.

I decided that I would take Shadow for a drive this morning to the store. I got a few items to help with the food menu for the next week, and (hangs her head in shame) got a tub of Dibs. My heart told me not to but my head said, just this once. It is never just once!!

We got home and I put all the groceries away, and sat down for a minute. Well that minute turned into hours. I got hooked on Deadliest Warrior. I couldn't get enough. Okay so now you know my guilty pleasures, food and destruction. LOL. While sitting there watching tv, I ate the whole tub of Dibs. Wholly cow that is 680 calories!!! That is almost my whole days worth of calories. But I rationalized it to myself that Monday I start my new regime. How stupid is that?!?! Okay, I'm going to gorge myself so I can starve myself for the rest of my life. I know better than this. I thought that I was over this. I guess not.

I did however, get out both lawnmowers from the backyard, and cleaned up the BBQ I got for mom. Now I just have to get my punching bag and stand out of the van so I can get rid of the lawnmowers. So I actually did something, just nothing productive.

I need to break my habit of sitting and watching tv to avoid doing actual work around the house. I'm not going to get skinny by watching other people get skinny, (ok killed today). LOL.

This picture says it all...

Jim sent me this in an e-mail this morning. When he sent it, I thought, ha ha how funny. Then my day continued.

This morning I contacted my trainer about getting back into the strength training circuit. He agreed. I had told my mom yesterday that I HAVE to get back to the gym, and not just for karate either. Things were looking up. Jim has a friend that is going to help him fix the carburetors on the bike, I got my strength training back on track, and we are getting some financial help.

I was going to put together the punching bag out on the patio but I had to move some things around first. So I thought that I would go to the store first so I could focus on cleaning. Shadow was all excited and ready to go with me to the store. She went potty, and we hopped in the van. I put the key in the ignition....and nothing. It won't start. The battery is fine, it has good oil pressure, it just won't start. I text Jim to let him know.

Jim called the mechanic we take our cars to, and he said to bring it in. So I call AAA, which by the way is my last free tow until September. They were here quickly. The only problem is that the tow truck driver remembered me and what we had the van towed for the last time. This is NOT the way I want to be remembered.

Hopefully they can find out what is wrong with it. I would hate to have to cancel all the plans that we've made. Not like there were a ton of them, but come on!

I thought about eating everything in the house. I ended up just eating a fiber one bar and started blogging. Thank goodness I have taken all of the temptation foods out of the house. I am still fighting the urge to eat, but after gaining 20 pounds, I have to fight with everything I have. So be warned, you may see up to 20 blogs a day. LOL.

I hope you enjoyed at least the picture, and that your day is going better than that.

Who let the dogs out

It was 5:40am and I couldn't stay in bed any longer. I thought about it for awhile, and decided that Shadow and I needed to go for a walk. I threw on my shorts and a t-shirt, grabbed my phone, the camera, and Shadow knew something was up. I tried to be quiet so we didn't wake Jim up, and we headed to the front room. As I am putting on my shoes, Shadow is jumping around the house like a monkey. She knows she gets to go.

6:06am we head out the door. There is a cool breeze blowing and the streets are free of people. Shadow starts to pull. I can just picture what we look like. A 45 pound dog dragging a 340 pound woman down the street. LOL. We kept up a fairly good pace. Not a pace that is going to kill me, but definitely not a pace that I would have done at the gym. In fact, other than walking up to the Chinese restaurant the other day, this is the only other time that I have done some real exercise. I have my pedometer on my hip, and down the sidewalk we go. Shadow sniffing, tinkling the whole way.

There are not a whole lot of places that I can really take Shadow for walks. Since she is not really socialized, I have to be careful around people and other animals. So this morning I thought about the new bike trail that was put in last summer. I have been meaning to ride my bike on it, but sadly never have. I figured that at 6am in the morning, I wouldn't have to worry about too many people out on the trail, especially on a Sunday.

Finally we reach the bike trail. I had to take a photo to show Jim just how far we actually walked. I wasn't out of breath, and sweating like crazy which is a good sign. It's about a quarter mile to the trail. I let Shadow have the full 25 feet of leash while I walked. When she stopped to sniff or piddle, I kept walking. Sometimes I had to walk back to her, but I kept moving. There were benches along the way, but I didn't want to stop while I had momentum.

There was not a whole lot to look at while walking. This is what the trail looked like most of the way. Shadow was having the time of her life. We normally just walk up and down the street close to home. Today, she could fill her nose with smells all around.

We kept walking and walking and walking. My hips were starting hurt and my dogs (feet) were starting to bark. We continued on. I couldn't stop Shadow now, she was having too much fun, and I was still feeling okay. I kept thinking where am I going to find a good turn around spot. We came to a nice little green grass area, and I thought about turning around there. Then I saw a little path off to the side that led to a gravel path. Huh, that looks different we'll walk a little while here and see what we find. Well we found another park like area. This trail let to streets beside a school. Since I couldn't see what school it was, I decided that this was going to be our turn around point.

We sat down on a bench for a little while to give my back and feet a little breather. I tried to take a photo of Shadow and how happy she looked, but she was too interested to see what was all around her. So this is the best photo I could get. LOL. You notice I had to hold her collar just to get this photo.

After about 5 minutes, we started off again. I was really getting tired by this time. Not exhaustion tired, but knew that I did something, tired. My ankles were starting to ache a little bit and my back was getting tired of Shadow dragging me along. Thankfully, Shadow was getting tired too. We come to a bench, and I have to sit down just for a little bit. Not more than maybe 3 minutes or so, and we're off again. I couldn't believe how long it felt to get to where we were and how fast it felt coming back the other way. Before I knew it, we were back at the sign to the bike trail.

A little further, we were home. Shadow was really ready to be home. She waited patiently at the door while I took the leash off. Once inside, the feeling of it's over came welling over me. I was glad I did the walk but I was ready to be home. I instantly kicked off my shoes, changed out of my sweaty clothes and was off to prepare breakfast.

Breakfast for Jim was bacon, country potatoes with onions, and two eggs. I actually ate one slice of bacon, not quite quarter of a cup of potatoes, and 2 ounces of leftover steak. That's it. Everything went down fine, and nothing got stuck. I can't say that I was full, but I wasn't going to eat any more either. Now that I sit here typing, my head is thinking about what else I can eat. So I guess it's time for some more water and another activity. Maybe if I think about cleaning house, it will subside my urge to eat. LOL.

Anyway that was the start to my day. I can't wait to see what the rest of the day has in store for me.

Going back to the beginning

Yesterday I got my Gi (karate uniform) in the mail. I was so excited!! I have been waiting to be able to order and wear this for months!! I quickly took it out of the package and threw it on. Well the shirt sort of fits. I'm going to have to lengthen the ties on it and shorten the arms but all in all it fits. Then I tried on the pants. No way!!! They don't even go over my belly. Well let me take that back...they will either go over my belly or my butt but not both!! My heart sank. The weight I have put back on is keeping me from wearing my new Gi.

Last night for dinner, Jim and I walked up to the Chinese restaurant. I know what do I think I'm doing eating Chinese after my Gi won't fit. Honestly it didn't cross my mind. Well it sort of did but not enough to change my mind. We got the lantern special for two. It was a lot of food so we ended up bringing half of it home. I felt fine after the walk. It actually felt good to be moving again.

This morning I took my blood sugar and it was 98!!! How can it be that good after eating Chinese food?!?!?! It's supposed to be the other way around. But I was happy with the result anyway.

I made some pan fried pork loin medallions for breakfast. I made Jim some eggs and toast to go with it while I had a yogurt. I only ate 3 1/2 ounces of pork. I took small bites and chewed them slowly. I thought that I was eating slow enough but I guess I wasn't. Part of my breakfast came up. So I really only ate 2 ounces of meat. But that's ok. I didn't eat anything else.

Lunch came around and I made some rotisserie chicken sandwiches. Once again I tried it and once again, part of it came up. But I still didn't eat anything else.

Now it's dinner time and I'm going to have a protein shake. Jim is having the leftover Chinese, and I don't even envy him. I am tired of things coming back up. So I am now going back to the beginning of how I'm supposed to eat. I think I will do some protein shakes for awhile until I can get my portion sizes back to normal. I'm going back to using my baby spoon so I can see what a bite is, and I'm going back to eating and chewing slow. It's going to be hard but I have to do this for myself. I am not willing to screw up the surgery I've had.

So it's now back to the scale for food, and back to eating protein first, then veggies, and if there is room enough in the cup, maybe some carbs. I'm giving up carbs except for potatoes again to see if that will help too. We'll see. Tomorrow is another day.