Here's how I train

Well I had a bright idea this morning, that I would take my camera to the gym and have Zach take a photo of what I do at my training sessions with him. Okay well it sounded like a good idea when it was in my head, but after seeing the photos....well I think I need to get back to the gym. No wonder people look at me....I would look at me too. Do I really look like this?! Oh lord!!

These are what Zach calls rows. I have any where from 140-160 pounds that I am pulling back to my chest. I do three sets of 15 of these.

This one I have no idea what it's called, but Zach is having me do these to help strengthen up my shoulders and equalize my arms. These will help a lot with my throws in karate too. The weight I usually have on these is 70-80 pounds on each arm. I also do three sets of 15 on these.

Next, are my favorites *sneer*. These are the squats. I have to keep my arms straight, sit down on that little red metal stand, then stand back up again. All of that right there is a count of one!!! Yes you can see the love I have for these on my face!!! Today I did one set of 15 at 80 pounds, another set of 12 at 70 pounds, and my last set of 15 at 60 pounds! I asked Zach why do I feel like throwing up, and he told me that's because I'm doing them right. LOVELY!!! At least I got through them.

Next are these 45 degree bending things. Funny they don't look really hard huh. Well after all of the other sets, these can feel darn right impossible. This photo is the start of the exercise. I stand like this. Notice that there are no strings holding me on, no weights counter balancing me...it's all me baby!

This is the second half of the exercise. I bend down and with the strength in my back, legs, and butt, I bring myself back up to an upright position. I do three sets of 10 of these.

The last exercise that I do Zach couldn't take a picture for me because we ran out of time. But it is another exercise to help strengthen my back and upper abs. I stand holding each end of a rope at either side of my neck. I then bend down as far as I can, and straighten up again keeping my stomach tight and not coming all the way straight up. These are actually the easiest of all the exercises that I do. I do two sets of 15 of these at 55 pounds.

Now on top of doing this three times a week, I am supposed to do cardio of 40 minutes at least 4-5 times a week. I also have karate three times a week. Although the karate is becoming less and less cardio and just something fun to go to. But I'm keeping up with my routine. I have to force myself sometimes to go, but if I'm going to reach 50 pounds down by October, I have to keep this up.

By the way the scale at the gym this morning read at 344. That's down 8 pounds since my cry for help. I even weighed after I ate breakfast. So all is well.

Time to start harvesting

I have been neglecting my veggies for awhile and Jim told me that I had to come look at them. So this morning before I headed off to the gym, I checked out my bounty! Wow!!! Time to eat some salads!! As you can tell they need some love and water, so that is next on the list of things to do today. But enough of that check these out!!!

These are my Roma tomatoes. I can't believe how many there are!!

These are my Jet tomatoes. These are supposed to be low in acid. Although I'm having some problems with these guys. Some of them seem to be rotting on the bottoms before they ripen. Not sure what is going on but I'll look into it.

And low and behold, my Sweet 100's. They are soooo good. And they are really thriving too!
My bell peppers. It's kind of hard to see but I actually have about 3-4 almost ready to be picked! Oh poor Jim....he hates bell peppers!!!

And finally, my cucumbers. I have two really nice big ones but I'm not sure when to pick them. Do I wait until they are all filled out like a tube, or can I pick them now? No worries though, Jim is the only one that likes these! Yuck. The things I do for a marriage. LOL.

So that is the drama of the veggies for today. I am going to go out an harvest them after I am done here, and see what kind of masterpieces I can create! Mmmmmm. Now off to the kitchen.

Thank you all for the support

I know that most of you looked at my cry for help and thought what in the world could I do? Well believe it or not, you all did it just by reading my blog.

Just to give you all a little insight to how my head works. I was in a super low point when I wrote my blog. It was the end of the month, and I felt like I had not accomplished anything. My weight was up, I was feeling guilty about not working out like I should have, and I kept catching myself eating things I would not normally eat (like a bag of white chocolate cooking chips). I was also catching myself buying junk, and eating it while Jim was not home, or wasn't looking. An advantage and disadvantage of not letting Jim in the kitchen while I cook. *wink*. I couldn't take it anymore. I normally don't bother anyone with my issues because I don't do well with others doting all over me. I am more comfortable dealing with things alone. When I have to ask for help, I feel weak and that I didn't have what it takes to get the job done. Now I know to most of you this kind of thinking is stupid. I'm sorry but it is the way I have always dealt with things. It has always been easier to work things out alone than to upset the balance of life. I also have a huge fear of failure. So for me having to ask for help is a failure on my part. There are many reasons why I have developed this kind of thinking and they are deep rooted in my past, but they tend to leak into how I deal with things today.

With that being said, I have to set the record straight that Jim is not the culprit of my eating issues. I know many of you read my blog thinking that Jim was the one that wanted the goodies and things and that I just ate them and didn't tell him about it. That is wrong. Jim very seldom actually wants sweets. I am the one that craves them. Jim wouldn't ask for the stuff, I would buy it because I thought that he should have it should he ever want it. Where deep down, I do realize that I bought it because I wanted it around for me not Jim. I was the one that would go to the store and buy ice cream and buy a flavor that I know Jim would like, but I was the one that got into it at every chance I could. The house really doesn't have that much junk in it except when I buy it. So please, everyone, don't take it out on Jim. Jim is one of my greatest supporters ever. He has stood by me through all of the ups and downs, and let me tell you there have been many!! Jim would never sabotage anything that I do.

Anyway, I didn't expect anyone to do anything for me really. I had just reached a point that I had to let it out. I couldn't take the pressure I was putting on myself. I guess it was also sort of a pity party and venting session. The only thing I can tell you of what I expected was in the movie "Good Will Hunting", there is a part where Robin Williams tells Matt Damon that it's not his fault. If you haven't seen the movie, it's hard to explain. But I think I just needed someone to hold me and let me know that I'll get through this, and to let me let some of my self made pressure go. I expect so much from myself, more so than others ever do.

I have to admit that I read a few e-mails and posts the night I posted my blog, and they brought a tear to my eye. I knew that you all supported me but never realized the impact that my blog would have on many of you. I really felt the love from all of you, love I very seldom give myself. So for that I thank you all so much.

I did wake up the next morning with a bit of panic in my mind. Here is where I have my "stinkin thinkin" as most therapists would call it. I instantly thought, what am I going to do now. I have put out a cry for help, and now I'm going to get it. I am going to have all of my friends and family contacting me to see how I am doing and what they can do to help. Most people would think this as a good thing. Now don't get me wrong I love you all for wanting to do this, but in my head I turn it into that I am not strong enough to be able to lose this weight and change my life. I never want anyone to change their life or lifestyle to accommodate me. This was my idea to make this change, and I have to learn to live with it in the real world. So this is the thought of panic that came over me. I don't want any of you to think that I don't want your help, because that is not true. I just have to learn to change my way of thinking, accepting compliments, and asking and receiving help. Please bear with me, I am getting better, but this is something that isn't going to change over night. So please don't worry about me. Once I got my cry out, I was already picking myself up and starting the change.

I went to the gym on Friday and pushed my hardest with my trainer and it felt wonderful. I didn't eat junk on the 4th and have started to get back on the band wagon. I am feeling much better and that is from all of your love and support. So for this, again, I thank you all, and love you all so much.

A cry for help!!

It's 2:39pm on a Thursday afternoon, and 85 days until my best friend Wendy's wedding. I had set a goal of 50 pounds lost in 5 months. Now with my Lap Band it should be no problem. In fact it should be a total walk in the park. But no. I am having problems. I could make excuses on why I'm not losing weight, like I have too much stress, no time, I've been sick, I've hurt my shoulder (I really did), but they are just that, excuses. I have lost a bit of my drive and motivation. Yes, it's harder to get to the gym because Jim and I only have the one car now, but I have an exercise bike here at home. But there again, it's an excuse.

Exercise is not the only problem either. My eating has gotten out of control. I have gone back to my pre-surgery habits again. The sneaking food, this is the worst one because I'm only hurting myself. Jim doesn't care if he has that apple pie, or chocolate bar. But yet I feel like I have to hide it from him that I have eaten it. And I have been eating stupid things!! Like I get a craving for cheese. All in all the cheese is not that bad for me...except when I eat half of a cup of it!!! I start out okay in the mornings and sometimes even into lunch. It's the time after lunch that kills me. I eat without thinking. I sometimes eat as early as a half an hour after I have eaten lunch.

I STILL don't have any feeling of being full or hungry. I am back to eating because I'm bored, stressed, unhappy, or breathing. This has got to stop!! And it has to stop now!!! Another disgusting aspect of this bad habit, is that I am lying to myself. Sort of an out of site, out of mind. Except when I get on the scale at the gym or try and put on my Gi for karate, that it comes back into site and into mind. After it has come back into mind, I feel guilty, disgusted, and totally down on myself and yep you guessed it, I start eating again. The sad thing is that it doesn't comfort me anymore and yet I still do it.

I have to get this weight off, not just for the wedding but for my own sake and health. I haven't seen my surgeon for 4 months because I'm ashamed of the 25 pounds I have put back ON!!! I was 20 pounds away from 100 pounds lost until I put the pounds back on.

I am not sure how to get my head back into the game. I know what I have to do, but I am having a hard time actually doing it. So I am breaking down and asking all of you for help. Those of you who really know me, know that this is the hardest thing for me to ever do, is ask for help. But I have no other option.

4th of July pies for Jim's work

Last night I decided that I needed to make some pies for the guys at Jim's work. Since the Governor has decided that all state workers need to take another furlough day, some of the guys have to work on Friday before the 4th. So the guys don't get a three day weekend. I personally thought that it sucks, so I figured I would ease the pain with pie!!

I wanted all of the guys to be able to have some pie so I sent them with Jim today rather than taking them in on Friday. Now out of the guys that are working today, I needed to be watchful not to include any dairy, not to make stuff too sweet, and have enough for about 10 guys to have a piece of each. How do you make a red, white, and blue pie with no white?!? Ah ha! Make berry pies and send a carton of CoolWhip!!

I was up till 10:30pm last night making the pies, but it was well worth the effort!! The two pies I made were a mixed berry pie that had strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and blackberries. The other pie was a single crust blueberry pie. Here they are cooling on the table below.

This is a close up of the mixed berry pie. Mmmmmm!

And of course the blueberry pie.

I packaged them all up so Jim wouldn't have a hard time taking them in this morning, sent in some paper plates, forks, and serving utensils.

I got a call from Jim about an hour and a half later. Jim had to inform me of the status of the pies. Now I thought that they would all wait until lunch and scarf them down then. Nope. Jim told me that as soon as he put them down, they were observed and the boss came and took a slice, then the whole crew followed suit!! There was only one slice of blueberry left and only one piece taken out of the mixed berry. Wow!!

Jim called me before his lunch and the pies were still safe but not everyone had gone to lunch yet. Who knows if there will be any pie left for the guys tomorrow, but at least they enjoyed it today!!!

First glance...what is it?

Shadow wanted me to go outside with her this morning, so I did. Not that I really do anything out there but watch her run around, but I went out. Shadow was running around snooping in everything, and started looking disappointed. Her friend was not in his backyard yet. She had no one to play with. As I sat there, I decided to cut down some more trees by the fence. I grabbed my ratcheting clippers and off I went. I wanted to get at least the privets that were growing in the concrete by the pool. As I was cutting, I noticed something in a pile of wood. It gave me a startle at first until I really looked at it. I couldn't believe my eyes. Was it really what I thought it was?!? Judge for yourself. I had to take a photo of it! Can you tell what it is?Okay, now don't tell me that you didn't think it was a RAT!!!! I thought wow it's either dead or trapped because it never moved!! Now I know why. It was a piece of wood!

After I ran back inside to grab the camera and took the photo of my "rat", I sat back down and watched Shadow play. Her friend finally came outside and she waited so patiently for him to come to the fence.
They wiggled and chatted through the fence for a little bit and then you could tell that he went and got one of his toys. My heart sank and swelled at the same time. When Shadow's friend got his toy, Shadow ran over and grabbed one of her toys and took it to the fence. Man I'm tearing up just typing this. Did I do the right thing and not get her a friend, or not push more to socialize her. It's times like this that I feel like I have failed her as an owner. I know she has love, food, toys, and all of that, but does she have everything she really needs.

We came back in after awhile and Shadow came up and nestled down next to me. Almost in saying, mommy it's ok, I have what I need. What I need is you.

Father's Day

We didn't do a whole lot on Father's Day. I got up and made Jim breakfast of biscuits and gravy with smoked sausage and eggs, while Shadow gave papa his card and gift. We sat around most of the morning just relaxing. It was kind of nice for a change.

A couple of days before, we had just gone out and bought me a new grill. My old grill, the rack was all rusty and gross. Hee hee, a new Halloween prop eh?!?!?! Anyway, Father's day was the day I broke in the grill.

I had made myself some turkey slider patty's that actually weren't that bad. Of course my portion size was four of them!! LOL.Yep I ate them with no bun, mayo, nothing. Surprisingly they weren't dry either.

But here is papa's dinner!!! Yep you can see my mini turkey burger down on the coals basking in the fat and juices of Jim's steak. This was actually a beautiful piece of meat. I got this for our anniversary dinner but then ended up not cooking it. So I used my foodsaver and froze it. There was no freezer burn or anything on this wonderful rib eye. I didn't do anything fancy with it either, just salt, pepper, garlic, and onion powder.As you can see the steak came out fantastic!! And of course, I had to throw in a lobster tail too. Not like Jim was complaining at all!!! I got a couple of bites of the steak just to taste it, I didn't want any more than that. Honest!!! It was very good. Tender, and juicy. All in all I think it was a good Father's day for all, especially Jim. He deserves a day at least once a year! LOL

6/20/09 At the gym with Mom & Kelly

Kelly had a dentist appointment on Saturday, and I had my self defense class to go to. So I thought to myself, how am I going to get all of this done. Then it came to me. If I take mom and Kelly to the gym with me, they could work out while I go to my self defense class. I got them a one day pass and here they are proudly showing them off in front of Gold's Gym.

Kelly has that wild eyed look of I'm going to do this! The funny part of all of this is that she is lifting 5 pound weights. Hee hee. She didn't want to work out with the 17.5 pound weights I use.

I know it's hard to tell, but Kelly really isn't falling asleep on this....at least I don't think she was. LOL. I had both her and mom set up on pushing 40 pounds on these leg presses. Mom was surprised that she could do these and it not hurt her hip. That's a good thing. If she breaks her hip one more time, I'm going to have to kill her.

Here mom and Kelly are working on the backs of their arms and shoulders. I had them set up at 10 pounds, and they couldn't believe how hard it was. We only did about one set of these before it was time for my class to start.

This had to be the funniest photo of all!! I set both of them up on just a flat surface going at about a 40 minute mile. Mom keeps saying that she would like a treadmill but after walking on this one for awhile, I think she may change her mind. I don't know how long they actually stayed on the treadmills because I was in class, but they were huffing nicely. Hee hee. They sat and watched me finish out my class and I introduced them to my instructors Carl and Adrian.

Mom was so proud that she worked off 86 calories!!! I didn't have the heart to tell her that 86 calories is barely her coffee. LOL.

They seemed to have a lot of fun, and I was able to get them to Kelly's appointment on time. They got to see what I go through for strength training and what one of my karate classes looks like.

By the way, I haven't heard anymore about working out or wanting a treadmill or exercise tapes...hummm. LOL.

When will I get it through my head

Last night I went in early to the gym to make sure I got in my strength training, cardio, and karate. I was able to do it all but boy was I tired.

This morning, I was feeling good but my left shoulder was killing me. I couldn't move it without some sort of pain. But the day had to go on. Since I had gone to the gym last night, I covered my training for today.

I got up and didn't want to make anything, and didn't really want to eat cottage cheese. I remembered that I made some mini quiches. I grabbed four of them and heated them up in the toaster oven. I grabbed about a tablespoon of ranch dressing and a bottle of water with Crystal Light in it and that was breakfast. I wasn't hungry afterwards, but I wasn't really full either. But I didn't want to eat anymore. When I was at the gym last night I weighed myself and I had gained another two pounds since I saw Zach, my trainer, last week.

Four hours later, it was lunch time. Again, I didn't feel like fixing anything. I really didn't care if I ate or not. But I knew I had to eat. I got out some leftover chicken meat from the tortilla-less chicken enchiladas I made last week. I heated up the chicken, added about an ounce of cheese, and a half a cup of lettuce to equal my cup of food. Well it was a little to hot to eat, and while I was waiting for it to cool down, I decided to have a spoonful of ice cream. That spoonful ended up to the rest of the carton. Now granted that only added up to about two cups of ice cream but it was still totally gluttonous. I didn't even really want the ice cream but the one spoonful but once I got started, it was like I couldn't stop. The worst part of all of this is that after the ice cream, I ate the salad I made too. Then about an hour later I ate a snack size bag of chips. Another hour later I ate another snack size bag of carmel popcorn, 100 calorie, but by this time it didn't matter.

What is wrong with me. When am I going to be able to get back on track. What is it going to take. I wanted to lose 50 pounds by Wendy's wedding, but I'll never make it like this. I'll be lucky if I don't put on 50 pounds. The sad thing is that I don't think I was overly stressed, depressed, sad, or bored. So why did I just stuff my face. This is something that I'm really going to have to watch. It's going to be hard, but I have to get back into only a cup of food a meal, good choices, no carbs, and logging every little thing that goes into my mouth. I may have to resort to getting rid of all of the sweets in the house until I can get myself under control. I hate to do that because then I feel like I am depriving Jim of his snacks because I can't quit eating. But I have to do something.

I'm going to bake some fish tonight for dinner, but starting tomorrow morning, I'm going back to my two protein shakes a day and one meal with actual food. Something has to happen, and I don't like the way it's going now.

Not bad for an hours worth of work

I got up this morning and decided that it was time to do some more yard work. It was a fantastic morning. There was a nice breeze blowing, and it was nice and cool in the shade. So I drug out the lawnmower and headed to it. The lawn only took me about half an hour to mow, and since I had more energy I headed out to the back yard. This is what I did with the other half hour this morning. Not bad eh?!

I came back in the house for a little while to pay some bills, and log my food for the morning. This morning I only had cottage cheese, banana, and 2 ounces of yogurt. So when I came in the house, I wanted something to nibble on. NO!!!! Stop that kind of thinking!!! I grabbed a water and started to blog about last weekend.

After being in the house, I started to sit down to watch television again. I watched an hour show called I want to save your life. Then it dawned on me that I was sitting on my butt again, and there is no show good enough to burn calories without doing something. So I turned off the t.v. and went back outside. I got a lot more done, and was able to use my favorite tool, the chipper!!! So if Jim ever comes up missing....LOL. I still haven't reached my goal for Father's Day, but I am well on my way. I finally got tired and came back in. It was only 12:30pm!! I couldn't believe I did as much as I did in that little of time. WOW! I'm feeling really great now.

I don't know if I will go back out again tonight, but I know that I will sure sleep good!! I've got dinner ready to BBQ when Jim gets home, and then I think it's a relaxing evening.

Weekend of June 12-14

Here's a little inside to the craziness that lives inside my head. It's the weekend and I have made an appointment with my trainer at the gym for Monday morning. We had just gotten rid of two lawnmowers which left a nice big, fairly clean area on the patio. So I decide that Jim and I should go to Home Depot and get some bolts for my new punching bag stand. I have every intention to set it up on the back patio. We head off to Home Depot and get the bolts and come home. Then I take another look at the patio and decide that it needs to be cleaned up some more before I set up the bag. I have to have room to move around to hit the bag right?! Well Jim grabs a broom and his gloves and is going to help me clean the patio. Well by that time I didn't want to do it. I wasn't sure where I really wanted the bag. Okay, project one, abandoned.

Then I get this wild hair to tighten the chain on the chainsaw. I drag it into the house, look at it, and go ask Jim for some assistance. I have tightened chains before, but this one looked different and I didn't want to break the saw. He got it tightened for me, and off I go. The first victim is the Camellia out front. I cut it down as far as I can. Jim takes the pieces out to the street for me. Okay what's next?!?!?! Ahh...the hibiscus tree out back. Jim HATES that tree and now it's getting in the way of things. So off I head for the back yard with chainsaw in hand.

Now I know you may be wondering what this photo has to do with me and my chainsaw experiences, but trust me it's relevant. The above photo is that of the shallow end of our pool. Those fish you see in the photo are mosquito fish put in there about, oh, four or five years ago. Yep we did the responsible thing and had the fish put in. Now when we had them put in, you couldn't hardly see them. These are the size of them now! Anyway, the hibiscus tree is right next to the pool. Hence the reason Jim hates the tree. However, we haven't swam in the pool for years!! It was time now to go and start hacking away at the tree.


Now this is the tree after I hacked on it for a few minutes. You notice that the limbs are hanging over our neighbors yard. That wooden shed looking thing is his bird aviary, where he sells birds. I had to be real careful not to let the limbs drag or fall on the roof. That would be disastrous!! But I got it done. It was past lunch and I was ready to stop for awhile anyways. We headed out and grabbed something to eat at McDonald's. I know, how is that food good for me. Well I did get a fruit salad, a grilled snack wrap, and some chicken tenders. Shadow got most of the tortilla on the wrap, a bite of every chicken tender, and a little bit of apple. So I actually only ate my one cup. But I realize that I just made an excuse for eating poorly. Anyway we got back home, ate, and I went back to take the limbs out to the street for Wednesday's pickup.

Here is the pile that I ended up with. Jim was surprised that I was able to get all of that out to the street. I had only worked on it for a couple of hours, with cutting and then dragging and carrying it out front. It really wasn't that bad. Of course until I really felt it on Monday!!

So here are the plans for the up and coming weeks ahead. This area is hopefully to be done by Father's Day. What I mean by done is cut down and all the limbs out to the street. This is going to be a job within its self.

This is the next weeks project. This section is not going to be fun. There is a small area between the fence and the pool. Not much room to be moving around. Not to mention that there is a huge holly tree in that mess and I think a rose bush too. Ouch. As you can see there are grape vines running through it all. This is going to be the week of major calories, water, and probably brain cells lost!!

Then this is the week after that. Which will hopefully take me to the 4th of July, so we can enjoy being outside. We will see though. This section has bamboo that has been left to run ramped for many many years.

Now all of this came about because I decided to go back to the trainer at the gym. So what possess me to kill myself before the trainer? That I'm not sure I can answer. The only thing that I can tell you is that I felt fantastic that I was able to do this, and felt even better when I saw Zach on Monday. I am still dealing with food issues and eating right. But at least for this time, I'm getting back on the wagon and getting my exercise in. Not to mention the pride and self confidence I'm building by being able to say that "I did this!!!"

Sidetracked by the television

This morning I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I should clean out the refrigerator, the patio, the kitchen, the garage, the bedrooms, and the bathroom. Nah, I don't feel like it today. That doesn't mean that I won't do it, I just don't want to do it.

I decided that I would take Shadow for a drive this morning to the store. I got a few items to help with the food menu for the next week, and (hangs her head in shame) got a tub of Dibs. My heart told me not to but my head said, just this once. It is never just once!!

We got home and I put all the groceries away, and sat down for a minute. Well that minute turned into hours. I got hooked on Deadliest Warrior. I couldn't get enough. Okay so now you know my guilty pleasures, food and destruction. LOL. While sitting there watching tv, I ate the whole tub of Dibs. Wholly cow that is 680 calories!!! That is almost my whole days worth of calories. But I rationalized it to myself that Monday I start my new regime. How stupid is that?!?! Okay, I'm going to gorge myself so I can starve myself for the rest of my life. I know better than this. I thought that I was over this. I guess not.

I did however, get out both lawnmowers from the backyard, and cleaned up the BBQ I got for mom. Now I just have to get my punching bag and stand out of the van so I can get rid of the lawnmowers. So I actually did something, just nothing productive.

I need to break my habit of sitting and watching tv to avoid doing actual work around the house. I'm not going to get skinny by watching other people get skinny, (ok killed today). LOL.

This picture says it all...

Jim sent me this in an e-mail this morning. When he sent it, I thought, ha ha how funny. Then my day continued.

This morning I contacted my trainer about getting back into the strength training circuit. He agreed. I had told my mom yesterday that I HAVE to get back to the gym, and not just for karate either. Things were looking up. Jim has a friend that is going to help him fix the carburetors on the bike, I got my strength training back on track, and we are getting some financial help.

I was going to put together the punching bag out on the patio but I had to move some things around first. So I thought that I would go to the store first so I could focus on cleaning. Shadow was all excited and ready to go with me to the store. She went potty, and we hopped in the van. I put the key in the ignition....and nothing. It won't start. The battery is fine, it has good oil pressure, it just won't start. I text Jim to let him know.

Jim called the mechanic we take our cars to, and he said to bring it in. So I call AAA, which by the way is my last free tow until September. They were here quickly. The only problem is that the tow truck driver remembered me and what we had the van towed for the last time. This is NOT the way I want to be remembered.

Hopefully they can find out what is wrong with it. I would hate to have to cancel all the plans that we've made. Not like there were a ton of them, but come on!

I thought about eating everything in the house. I ended up just eating a fiber one bar and started blogging. Thank goodness I have taken all of the temptation foods out of the house. I am still fighting the urge to eat, but after gaining 20 pounds, I have to fight with everything I have. So be warned, you may see up to 20 blogs a day. LOL.

I hope you enjoyed at least the picture, and that your day is going better than that.

Who let the dogs out

It was 5:40am and I couldn't stay in bed any longer. I thought about it for awhile, and decided that Shadow and I needed to go for a walk. I threw on my shorts and a t-shirt, grabbed my phone, the camera, and Shadow knew something was up. I tried to be quiet so we didn't wake Jim up, and we headed to the front room. As I am putting on my shoes, Shadow is jumping around the house like a monkey. She knows she gets to go.

6:06am we head out the door. There is a cool breeze blowing and the streets are free of people. Shadow starts to pull. I can just picture what we look like. A 45 pound dog dragging a 340 pound woman down the street. LOL. We kept up a fairly good pace. Not a pace that is going to kill me, but definitely not a pace that I would have done at the gym. In fact, other than walking up to the Chinese restaurant the other day, this is the only other time that I have done some real exercise. I have my pedometer on my hip, and down the sidewalk we go. Shadow sniffing, tinkling the whole way.

There are not a whole lot of places that I can really take Shadow for walks. Since she is not really socialized, I have to be careful around people and other animals. So this morning I thought about the new bike trail that was put in last summer. I have been meaning to ride my bike on it, but sadly never have. I figured that at 6am in the morning, I wouldn't have to worry about too many people out on the trail, especially on a Sunday.

Finally we reach the bike trail. I had to take a photo to show Jim just how far we actually walked. I wasn't out of breath, and sweating like crazy which is a good sign. It's about a quarter mile to the trail. I let Shadow have the full 25 feet of leash while I walked. When she stopped to sniff or piddle, I kept walking. Sometimes I had to walk back to her, but I kept moving. There were benches along the way, but I didn't want to stop while I had momentum.

There was not a whole lot to look at while walking. This is what the trail looked like most of the way. Shadow was having the time of her life. We normally just walk up and down the street close to home. Today, she could fill her nose with smells all around.

We kept walking and walking and walking. My hips were starting hurt and my dogs (feet) were starting to bark. We continued on. I couldn't stop Shadow now, she was having too much fun, and I was still feeling okay. I kept thinking where am I going to find a good turn around spot. We came to a nice little green grass area, and I thought about turning around there. Then I saw a little path off to the side that led to a gravel path. Huh, that looks different we'll walk a little while here and see what we find. Well we found another park like area. This trail let to streets beside a school. Since I couldn't see what school it was, I decided that this was going to be our turn around point.

We sat down on a bench for a little while to give my back and feet a little breather. I tried to take a photo of Shadow and how happy she looked, but she was too interested to see what was all around her. So this is the best photo I could get. LOL. You notice I had to hold her collar just to get this photo.

After about 5 minutes, we started off again. I was really getting tired by this time. Not exhaustion tired, but knew that I did something, tired. My ankles were starting to ache a little bit and my back was getting tired of Shadow dragging me along. Thankfully, Shadow was getting tired too. We come to a bench, and I have to sit down just for a little bit. Not more than maybe 3 minutes or so, and we're off again. I couldn't believe how long it felt to get to where we were and how fast it felt coming back the other way. Before I knew it, we were back at the sign to the bike trail.

A little further, we were home. Shadow was really ready to be home. She waited patiently at the door while I took the leash off. Once inside, the feeling of it's over came welling over me. I was glad I did the walk but I was ready to be home. I instantly kicked off my shoes, changed out of my sweaty clothes and was off to prepare breakfast.

Breakfast for Jim was bacon, country potatoes with onions, and two eggs. I actually ate one slice of bacon, not quite quarter of a cup of potatoes, and 2 ounces of leftover steak. That's it. Everything went down fine, and nothing got stuck. I can't say that I was full, but I wasn't going to eat any more either. Now that I sit here typing, my head is thinking about what else I can eat. So I guess it's time for some more water and another activity. Maybe if I think about cleaning house, it will subside my urge to eat. LOL.

Anyway that was the start to my day. I can't wait to see what the rest of the day has in store for me.

Going back to the beginning

Yesterday I got my Gi (karate uniform) in the mail. I was so excited!! I have been waiting to be able to order and wear this for months!! I quickly took it out of the package and threw it on. Well the shirt sort of fits. I'm going to have to lengthen the ties on it and shorten the arms but all in all it fits. Then I tried on the pants. No way!!! They don't even go over my belly. Well let me take that back...they will either go over my belly or my butt but not both!! My heart sank. The weight I have put back on is keeping me from wearing my new Gi.

Last night for dinner, Jim and I walked up to the Chinese restaurant. I know what do I think I'm doing eating Chinese after my Gi won't fit. Honestly it didn't cross my mind. Well it sort of did but not enough to change my mind. We got the lantern special for two. It was a lot of food so we ended up bringing half of it home. I felt fine after the walk. It actually felt good to be moving again.

This morning I took my blood sugar and it was 98!!! How can it be that good after eating Chinese food?!?!?! It's supposed to be the other way around. But I was happy with the result anyway.

I made some pan fried pork loin medallions for breakfast. I made Jim some eggs and toast to go with it while I had a yogurt. I only ate 3 1/2 ounces of pork. I took small bites and chewed them slowly. I thought that I was eating slow enough but I guess I wasn't. Part of my breakfast came up. So I really only ate 2 ounces of meat. But that's ok. I didn't eat anything else.

Lunch came around and I made some rotisserie chicken sandwiches. Once again I tried it and once again, part of it came up. But I still didn't eat anything else.

Now it's dinner time and I'm going to have a protein shake. Jim is having the leftover Chinese, and I don't even envy him. I am tired of things coming back up. So I am now going back to the beginning of how I'm supposed to eat. I think I will do some protein shakes for awhile until I can get my portion sizes back to normal. I'm going back to using my baby spoon so I can see what a bite is, and I'm going back to eating and chewing slow. It's going to be hard but I have to do this for myself. I am not willing to screw up the surgery I've had.

So it's now back to the scale for food, and back to eating protein first, then veggies, and if there is room enough in the cup, maybe some carbs. I'm giving up carbs except for potatoes again to see if that will help too. We'll see. Tomorrow is another day.

The veggies are coming....the veggies are coming!!

First of all...I have to let you know that today is....

NATIONAL DONUT DAY!!!

Oh what sweet temptation....No don't do it....Walk away from the donut....

Sorry I had to get that out of my system. Whew, that was close. I was almost licking my computer screen!

Hee hee, I caught Jim watering my veggies! I'm surprised that he's not out there putting poison on them. Let's just say that Jim is not a huge veggie fan.

Oh look...I'm getting tomatoes!!! These are my low acid tomatoes for Jim. Aren't they cute?!?!?

Okay, now here are my "Mama Mia" tomatoes. These are like Roma tomatoes. Look closely...can you count how many there are?!?! I'll give you a hint...there are 5!!!

The zucchini are out growing their pot!! LOL. Just the way I like em!! This is my second zucchini so far. I picked my first one on Memorial Day!!

My bell peppers are going wild too! To bad for Jim, these are one of my favorites and one of his least favorites!! Look at all the baby's growing!! This is only one plant too! I have 3 total plants!!!

Here's my cucumbers. They are blooming but I don't see any little cuc's yet. This is Jim's only revenge in the veggie world. He loves them and I can't stand them. I can't even have them in a salad, then taken out. I can still taste them!! Yuck. So, yep I'm growing them for him. Anyone want some cucumbers?!?!?!

My spinach is starting off slow, but that's ok. They were almost dead before I put them in the pot. Oh Popeye would be proud!!

And lastly, my parsley. It was another almost dead plant that I thought I would save it's life. She still has a ways to go before it's really abundant. But I can wait.

So now you have seen my veggies what do ya think? I can't wait till they are ready for picking! Hee hee, my veggies are still out growing my moms. LOL!!

Our moto...bad things happen to good people

AAARRGGG!!! I'm still posting a day behind. Well maybe today will be my changing point. Now on to our regularly scheduled program.

Yesterday was my scheduled phone appointment with a credit counselor to see what could be done with our finances. Jim had tried to wake me up to let me know he was leaving for work, but I think all I gave him was an I love you grunt. I finally got out of bed, (not sure I was wake yet) and grabbed something to eat for breakfast. Breakfast couldn't have been that good, because I couldn't tell you what I actually ate.

I was a little anxious before the phone call. I am not really one to dabble with money. I don't like to gamble, I don't dabble in the stock market, and I'm not really fond of loans, consolidating etc. To me, doing any of these things is an opening for disaster. But I had to do this. We would not make it many more months if I don't talk to these people.

8:30am. I called the phone number for the appointment. I was taken to the gentleman's voicemail. Okay, I wait for him to return my call. It wasn't that long of a wait, and the phone rang. I let the answering machine pick it up since we are getting swamped with creditors calling. A nice gentle soft voice starts to leave a message. It was Mr. Jiru the consultant. He apologized for having to call me back. I assured him that it was no problem, as I understand that many people are in our position. He asked me how we got into the situation, and how could he help us. I explained everything that has happened, and he told me that he could really help us. He first explained what the difference is between the ads on tv and a credit counselor. This is how he described it to me:

The ads on tv are called debt settlements. The way they work is they tell you to first of all cut all contact with your creditors. Then you pay this company a monthly amount. The first 6 months that you are paying this company, is basically their fee. They have not yet even contacted your creditors! Then once their fee is paid, they will contact one of your creditors that has the least amount due and make them a deal. Naturally the creditor is going to accept the money, they haven't heard from you in months! This whole time you are still paying this debt settlement company. When you have built up enough money for the next creditor, then they contact the next lowest debt. This goes on until all of your debt is paid. What they don't tell you is that since there is no contact with the creditor they can send you on to collections, keep accruing interest, and finally seek legal action. Once the debt is paid, it is reported to the credit bureau as a settled amount and is not a positive addition to your credit report. On top of that, say the debt was $2000. and they settled for $1000, you will be taxed on that other $1000 for you yearly taxes.

A credit counselor is different. First off, most of them are non-profit. They contact your creditors right away, and their set up fee is added into your monthly payment amount. Since they contact your creditors, there is no bad feelings or negative credit reports. They set up a freeze on all of the credit accounts that you are dealing with. Now with this freeze, not only can we not charge on the accounts, but the credit companies can not add late fees, over the limit fees, or interest on the accounts. The credit counselor negotiates with the creditors to drop your amounts down to almost a third of what you owe. The debt is usually paid off within a 5 year period. But the best part is that your credit rating is not damaged.

While I was talking with Mr. Jiru, he told me not to close my accounts but to leave them open while we are paying them off. It will show that we have a positive debt to income ratio. He also told me not to close any other accounts that we have that we are not using, as they also show that we are not just out to rack up credit and not pay. Mr. Jiru told me too, that if I contact the credit counselor today and tell them that I would like to start my payment plan in July, I can get things going right away. That means no annoying phone calls!! Woo hoo!!

I was feeling better after the phone call. So I jumped on the phone again and called the credit counselor. They were able to help right away. They took down all of the credit cards that we were dealing with, and their amounts owed. I was asked how much do I normally pay a month to the creditors and I told them about $1,500. I was put on hold for just a few moments, and the counselor came back and told me that they could bring my payments down to $642 a month!!! And that we will have them all paid within about 4 years!! I said sign us up! They were going to e-mail me a form to fill out and they would start the process right away.

I was feeling really good after that. I called Jim and let him know. He was excited as much as I was. Finally! We could get our life back into order again. I putted around the house picking up and cleaning. I blogged a little bit and was getting stuff ready to defrost for dinner. I was also getting excited to go to karate. I had purchased some sparring gear from a lady on Craigslist for $25. So I was going to take them to class and really beat on the instructors. LOL.

About 4pm I got a phone call from Jim. The van won't start. It started once but then died and won't start again. Great!! That's the last of our vehicles other than Jim's motorcycle. I can't really take mom and Kelly shopping on a motorcycle! So Jim called AAA for them to tow it to a shop we deal with. A friend brought Jim home. Now we wait. Now what?!?! We had just had a new fuel pump put in about a month ago, and it's acting like it's not working again. Needless to say, Jim was in a foul mood. Now we have to have the van fixed and we don't really have the money for that. If it is the fuel pump it's guaranteed but if it's not, I don't know what we are going to do.

Dinner consisted of pizza pretzels and chicken nuggets with ranch sauce. Not the healthiest of meals but I didn't want to cook after the news. So I am still dealing with my emotional eating. It gets so I don't even think about it if too much is going on. I HAVE to get my life back in order or I'm going to destroy everything I've worked so for.

To many stressors, or just too tired?

The day started at 5am, again. Since we now only have one car between Jim, mom, and myself, my days have become VERY long and stressful.

I had to put together Jim's breakfast and lunch, take a shower, dry and style my hair, get together all of mom's paperwork for Brown Bag, and get out of the house in just under an hour. Miraculously, I actually got everything done. I drove Jim to work, and then off to mom's house I go.

The chauffeuring bit for me has been going on since January of this year. My mom lives a good 45 minutes away from me, and whenever I have to take her and my sister somewhere, it usually takes all day. I can't leave her house any later than 3:15pm or I will be late to pick up Jim at work. The days I run late, he has to sit at the bar across the street until I get there. I know, geez what a burden that must be for Jim to undertake right?! Well it is really. When Jim has to wait at the bar, not only does it usually cost around 10+ dollars, but then either we eat dinner really late because I haven't been home to prepare something, or we end up eating out. Neither eating out or eating late is good for either of us, or our pocket book!!

However, I have promised to take care of my mom and now my sister when they need it. They live way out in the country, and with no car, they are stuck. Little things like going to the store, or just getting out of the house are a huge ordeal now because mom doesn't want to burden me. But I digress.

So I'm on my way to mom's house early in the morning with the radio blasting to try and drown out the thoughts running through my head. I normally don't mind, too much, about having to take them somewhere, but I am getting awful tired of trying to manage two households at a time. Not to mention, try and keep my weight loss journey heading in the right path. Sadly, the weight loss has been the first to be subsided.

As I walk in the door at mom's house, I am greeted by my sister, Kelly. Kelly is really amped up this morning. She is getting anxious about going to Brown Bag and then to see the doctor. When she is like this, mom has a hard time focusing on things that need to get done, and overall just thinking. To understand what it's like, try to imagine someone with A.D.D. that talks a thousand miles a minute, and none of the sentences make sense. On top of that you never know if she is going to burst into tears or have a fit of rage.

They finally finish getting ready, and we can now leave the house. About three quarters of the way to the church for Brown Bag, mom asks me to stop at the bank to check her balance. I checked and it was dangerously low. She was planning on eating out somewhere between Brown Bag and Kelly's doctor appointment. Mom started to panic a little bit. She doesn't want to borrow any more money from us, but she has no cash. I told her not to worry, I will take care of it and we will work it out later. Still in a state of frustration, mom is tearing her purse apart looking for some form of cash. We get half way through the parking lot and she finds some money. The atmosphere is calm again, or is it.

We pull into the parking lot of the church, and there are already people there for Brown Bag. Now we have arrived at the church at about 7:15am and the Brown Bag program doesn't start until 9am!! I told mom to just get in the church then lock the door so we could do the necessary paperwork for the days program. Okay that part done. Mom opens the door but can't remember the alarm code. She starts to panic again. Thankfully I remember the code and we were able to get inside before the alarm was set off. We finish up our paperwork, and now we can open the doors.

The Brown Bag program is a program for senior citizens to get food. They must be at least 60 years old, low income, and not more in a household of 2-3. They get some government food like canned tomatoes, rice, beans, and even sometimes meat like chicken or pork. Then they get some food from other places that have donated food to the FOODLINK program. It's really a nice program for those who need it. However, there are those that try and cheat the system. Anyway, the people that come to this are all different ethnicity's. My mom calls it her own little United Nations. LOL. But all in all everyone gets along. They all help put the food in the bags, set up the tables and chairs, and anything else that needs to be done. These are the elderly!!! I haven't seen many people my age do any of that!!

There were some church volunteers that couldn't make it for this month, so mom asked if I could help out. She had me doing the sign it portion. This is where they hand me their card and I have them sign a roster for both the FoodLink part and for the government part. I can normally do them on my own with no problem, but another church member showed up and was helping me. I was unfortunately a little faster than her so the lines got sort of long. But it all worked out for the time being. Then since the sign in's were slowing down, mom asked me to fill out the applications for the new people joining. Okay, so now I'm jumping back and forth between the sign in's and the applications. Whatever. If that wasn't bad enough, mom then asked me to update and make new applications for some people that hadn't been at the program for 6 months. I'm glad I'm good at multi-tasking.

The food truck was late bringing the food, so the whole bagging process was delayed. Brown Bag is supposed to end by 11am. That means that the food is all bagged, given out, and the church is cleaned up and locked up. The food truck didn't get there until 10:15am. We ran out of food to give away and had to make up some bags from stored surplus from other months. By the time we were all done it was 12:30pm.

This is a photo of mom handing out the bags to the people at Brown Bag.

Kelly's appointment is at 2:15 in Elk Grove, and we were in South Sacramento. Not to mention that we still had to eat. Trying to decide on where to eat took awhile since mom didn't want to eat to much and they wanted to make sure that we went someplace where I could eat healthy. That is all very nice, but that means a sit down restaurant. I mentioned BJ's, as they have a killer bowl of clam chowder and salad, all you can eat for $7.99. But I turned the wrong way off the freeway. So then we thought about Mimi's Cafe, they have this new portion of their menu that's called Just Enough. It is smaller and more healthy portions. Well on the way there, we saw Sizzler's. Perfect. I could get the salad bar, and a steak to take home to Jim for just under ten dollars. Mom got the same thing as I did only she ate her steak. We had to send mom's steak back because it was tough. I couldn't find our waitress so I took mom's steak back towards the kitchen. I found a waitress and asked if we could get another steak. No problem. Well with that then the staff and managers were all over us to make sure everything was okay. I would have never done that, however, when I was heavier. Kelly opted for the third pound burger with no salad bar.

We finished with lunch, and were off to the doctor. We got there a good fifty minutes early, so I took mom and Kelly to the Dollar Tree store. The Dollar Tree store is one of Kelly's favorite places to go. She can get almost anything there for just a little bit of money. I found her some soft instrumental music CD's and a large bottle of caffeine free root beer and she was happy as a clam. It was approaching time to go, and all of a sudden mom had to use the restroom. The Dollar Tree doesn't have a public restroom. Great! Mom hoofed it about five stores down to a La Bou to use the restroom. Well since Kelly didn't know where mom was she was starting to get anxious. I told her that there is no problem we'll find where she went. I called mom's cell phone and we found her. We finally get to the doctor's and we were actually a few minutes early. Kelly signed in and then we wait.

And we wait. And wait. And wait. Two hours later, the doctor finally sees Kelly. In the meantime, Kelly is getting more argumentative, angry, emotional, and anxious. When I say angry, it's not that she is angry at the doctor for being late. She's angry at the world! Everything bad that has ever happened in her life comes to the surface and she starts getting loud and vocal about it. The waiting room was full of patients too. Which makes Kelly that much more anxious. She thinks that everyone is looking at her and talking about her. Well the sad thing is that sometimes they are. To try and calm her down is pointless too, it just makes her worse. When you try and calm her down she thinks that you are picking on her and it makes her more argumentative and angry. So all we can do is to sit and try and bear it.

Since the doctor was so late, that puts me late for getting Jim. The doctor didn't even see Kelly until after 4:05pm. What is the point of having or making appointments when you don't get anywhere near the appointment time!!! When the doctor did see her it was only about a 7 minute appointment. So then I had to take mom and Kelly home which is about a half an hour away from the doctor. I get them home, unpacked from the shopping, and speed off to go pick Jim up at the bar. Now remember what I said about the bar? Well I had a soda with Jim and with tip the tab was almost twenty dollars.

By this time I am really tired and don't want to think about cooking anything. We head over to Logan's Roadhouse. Every time we have gone there, I always get something other than a steak. Yesterday, I got a steak!! I had eaten good and healthy all day long with a protein shake for breakfast, and a salad for lunch. It was time to eat some comfort food. I know this is not good for me, but if I watch it and eat sensibly I'll be ok. I was good and ordered water to drink, and no appetizer. I did however eat a yeast roll with a little bit of margarine, and it didn't get stuck!!! Not that I will gauge this as okay to do. I ordered a 10 oz steak with sauteed mushrooms and onion petals. Okay the onion petals were not good for me either. But I only ate like three of them. I also only ate about 4 oz of steak but I did eat the quarter of a cup of mushrooms. Yumm!! As Jim and I sat and winded down the day was taking a toll on me. I was thinking about the appointment I had for the next day to see what we could do with our finances, and it started to make me cry. Jim was trying his best to make me smile. He even licked the bowl that had his mac and cheese in. Before we left, Jim was going to have a balloon guy make me a flower from balloons to pick up my spirits. But the guy was busy so we went home.

I was feeling a little better, now that I was home but I still had to go out to deposit Kelly's check into the bank. She didn't get her check until after I brought them home, so I told mom I would put it in the bank for her. Jim and I left for the bank around 8pm I think. On the way home we saw a fantastic lightning storm. It was beautiful!! When we got home, I put on my CPAP machine, crawled under the covers and died. The day was over, finally.

Oh what a day!!!

How is that for a teaser photo?!?!?!

Saturday, Jim and I spent a wonderful day with some friends at a fundraiser. The fundraiser was for a high school athletic program. The cars that were there were absolutely beautiful!!! Half of the cars that were there, were guys that work with Jim at Cal Trans. The other half of the cars were people from a car club. To top it all off, Jim's boss, John Cassie, brought his dragster. Cassie still runs races with his dragster too, and he's really good. Should you like to go check him out with a lot of other awesome dragsters, you'll have to check out this race in Bakersfield.
Anyway it was a beautiful day, sunny with a nice breeze. We all sat around and watched the people go by. It was funny to watch. Most of the kids, (kids, I mean teenagers) didn't even pay any attention to the cars at all. It was most of their parents that were oohing and ahhing over the cars. Wow times have changed. When I was a kid, I would have sold my soul just to be around those cars!!! I'm now an adult and I think I would still sell my soul!!! LOL.

We were out at the high school from 8am till about 2pm. For the most part people were really respectful of the cars and didn't touch them. However there was a few that were leaning on the cars while they were looking at them. A couple of people and myself had to walk away before we rung their necks. YOU LOOK, DON'T TOUCH!!!

Jim and I had a blast talking to everyone on what they did to the cars, how long they have had them, what they put in them, etc. But I think the most fun was watching Cassie let the kids sit in the dragster.

Well without blabbing any further here's some photos of the cars!!