This last week for me has been an emotional roller coaster. I have been really up and then I have fallen into the depths of below. Other than my poor self image, I can't really focus on what is making me like this. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I know that but I usually wear a sweater over the shirt so no one can see. But is it time for me to take that sweater off?
I have this issue where I need to be accepted and loved constantly. Which I know I am by many but for some reason I can't seem to tell myself that. I get so excited and happy when someone pays attention to me, but then I can't ever seem to get enough. So when that person or persons don't pay constant attention to me daily, I feel like I have been forgotten or discarded. I have a good idea where some of this comes from, but still shouldn't I be able to kick this. I have a ton of fantastic friends on Facebook and some here in town, but I can never seem to get enough. I feel like, you know I really don't know. I know that I am insecure about myself, but shouldn't the love and friendship of others finally make me see that I am worth something?
My doctor would like me to try and get off my depression medicine, but right now, I don't see how I can. If I'm feeling this up and down ON my meds Lord help Jim if I go off of them!!! I hate to see what I put him through with all of this. He loves me so unconditionally and yet, I still can't accept the love he shows me. It never seems enough even from him. I love him so much. But yet I feel like I have to have all of this acceptance from others to make me feel like I am worth something.
I try and think of myself positively but I usually just end up ignoring myself. I don't put myself down as much anymore, so that is good, but I don't think ignoring myself is healthy either. It's no wonder why I look to make others happy. Am I unable to actually be happy? Jim sometimes teases me that I'm not happy unless my life is in complete turmoil. Could this be right? I don't want to sit down and dwell on the past, because the past is the past, but is my past still hurting me? How do I let go of these demons?
It wouldn't be so bad I guess if I didn't let my high's get so high. That way when an everyday life occurrence happens, it doesn't feel so low. But I like the feeling of being really happy and full of love and excitement!!! Why is it that I can help others through times like this but I can not take my own advice. I know what to do, sort of, but I just can't seem to put it in motion. I've tried faking it till I make it happen but I know that it is false and to me it's like telling a lie. It's not true.
This makes me all so tired. It's these times where I go to the fridge for comfort, but then that drops me down lower. Why do I have to make life so hard? It's not that hard is it? It can't be....others live happy lives. So do I choose to stay on this path of destruction or do I find a way to get off. Naturally, the first thing out of my mouth is to get off....but can I really get off or have I super glued my butt to the seat?
It's time for me to go do something other than dwell on these thoughts. I choose to change!!! I just hope I can.
