The struggle is still there.

Now remember back when I told you that I was still able to eat a lot of food?  Well guess what....I am on a phase that I can hardly eat anything.  I don't think it is anything medical, but more emotional and stress.  I know me have stress...hahahaha!!!!  But here is an example for you.  I have been making a conscious effort to slow down my eating.  Good....the bites have been fairly small....still need to work on that.....it's very hard to feel like you are eating when the bite inside your mouth is the size of a nickle!!!!  That's nice a bite....that's a piece of food left in your tooth!!!!  LOL.  Anyway, so with all that in mind.....the food is not liking me.  I have tried everything from Eggbeaters to sloppy joes....and yes the sloppy joe meat was the worst!!!  But I was tired and it was quick.  The mornings are still the worst.  It took me 45 minutes the other day to eat a half a cup of just Eggbeaters!!!!  Now that stuff is like Jell-O!!!!  But nope, my little pathway to stomach land was not going to let it pass....not even with the password.....Oh lord please let it go down!!!!

Getting serious again..

I sit here once again at 2am in the morning, preparing myself to head off to the gym.  My horoscope all week has been dropping me hints that it's time to get back to my fitness.  I think it's time I listen to it.  I've been away from the gym for about two weeks for one reason or another and I can tell you that I haven't been me.  There is something about going that makes me feel really good.  Now don't get me wrong I have had a blast spending time with my new BFF's and taking time for me, but I really need to get back to ME in my fitness.  I am starting my program over once again.  I am going to weigh all of my food, log all of my food, and start tracking fitness.  I saw a photo that Lori had taken of me bowling the other night....and wow!!! Yeah, I've lost some weight...but baby got back!!!!  I'm still looking like a brick!!!  So I'm going to try and forget about the way I normally think of things like, I'm starting today and if I fail, then well I'll start tomorrow.  No more!!!  If I fail then, I start again the next meal, or next workout.  I have to be serious about getting this weight off.  I want to be able to go shopping with my friends, I want to go dancing and not worry about if anyone can hear my stomach slapping against my thighs, I want to be able to wear that sexy hot dress, I want to be fit!!!!  I don't want to be thin....those days are over....I am now a woman and I just want to be healthy and fit.  The thin will come from the plastic surgeon...LOL!!!  But in all seriousness, I don't ever want to be "thin" again.  I want to be comfortable!!!

I have found new support so maybe this time things will flow a little smoother.  Not to mention that I have gotten a taste for living life again, and I like it!!!  I didn't realize just how much I missed it.  Well it's now time to go get my sweat on!!  LOL

Well I quit waiting around....now what?

Well I took a week off from the gym not on purpose, I just didn't feel like going.  That happens sometimes.  I think I push so hard that my old fat thoughts rebel against me and send out bad chemicals to my brain that makes me lazy...lol.  No I just need some time away sometimes.  With everything that goes on  in my life, sometimes I just need to hide away. 

I haven't been on the computer as much but when I am watch out.  I have found some fantastic friends and I love them soo!!!  You all know who you are...Holly, Lori, and Valora!!!  I have found my new partners in crime.  I can't tell you how happy they have made me feel these last few weeks!!!  In fact we had all planned a night out on the town....watch out town!!!  But before I get ahead of myself, I should start at the beginning.

Here are my partners in crime!!!  Left to Right...Valora, Holly, Lori, and yep it's me!!!  This was taken the evening of our first Thursday night walk.  We all met up at Holly's house and then we walked around her block.  It was fun...I felt bad that Lori and I ended up walking ahead of Holly and Valora but we'll have to walk behind them and push next time!!!  LOL

These ladies have made me feel like myself again!!!  I can be myself and not have to worry about it.  I know that they don't see my size, they see me and I can't tell you just how good that makes me feel.  I could weigh a thousand  pounds and still feel good about myself with them.  I know that they are my true friends, and I'm going to keep them forever.....if they will let me...lol.

So after a super high of being with friends I was feeling pretty good about myself.  My very best friend, Wendy was coming down from Oregon for a visit and a funeral, and we were going to meet up on Memorial Day weekend for a couple of hours.  Wendy is another one of those special people in my life that I would do anything for.  She is my true soul mate....I think we were separated at birth!!!  Anyway, I had some other friends that wanted some updated photos of me...Ugh!!!!  I hate, no let me stress.....I HATE my photo taken!!!  But I though what the heck, I've lost some weight and I'm feeling good about myself, why not.  They had seen the dresses that I bought for the job fair on my so I thought that I would put on one of my dresses that "used" to fit!!!  I felt fantastic!!!! It was HUGE on me!!!  I mean 2 sizes too big!!!!  Woo hoo!!!!  I had to pin the back of it to help keep it on and it was still to big.  Here is the picture below.  By the way it took me two hours to figure out how to set the timer on my camera to take this photo!!!!  LOL  Don't you just love technology!!!!

Here is the dreaded photo!!!  LOL.  And yes, I had Shadow ther for support!!!  No one loves me more than my baby Shadow!!!!

Well I posted the two above photos to my Facebook page, and I got the shock of my life!!!  One of my new friends on Facebook, a  younger kid from out of the country, told me that I had to remove those photos right away!!!  And was very adamant about it.  His postings were the first postings on my photos.  I thought, what the heck....I asked him what is it about them that you don't like?  I know I didn't do my hair and make-up but I didn't look like Helga the witch!!!!  He said all of them!!!  They are terrible!!!!  Remove them please!!!  Well after feeling really good about myself and then with being hit with those kinds of comments...I started to shut down.  I started to cry.  I wrote back to him and told him that I was sorry that he felt that way about me.  I reminded him that I told him I was a big girl and I even told him how much I really weighed.  I had to get off of Facebook after that.  I told him that I would talk to him later....that I had to go.  I went to my profile page and posted that I was logging off for awhile that I needed to find some self worth.  I then logged off.  Almost as soon as I logged off I headed for the food.  I didn't care what it was, what it tasted like....I just wanted something in my face.  I tried to fight it but the more I fought it the more I cried and beat myself up.  I kept telling myself, see you should have worked harder, you don't really want to be thin do you....why would you ever have your photo taken anyway...who wants to see that.  The more I talked to myself the more I cried, the more I stuffed my face.  I was totally out of control!!!  It was like my panic button was hit and broken off!!!  I couldn't stop and after awhile....I didn't care.  I had lost myself in just one tiny comment from someone I have never even met!!!  What is wrong with me?  This had all happened before noon.  When Jim called me at his lunch time, I was still crying and eating.  I could barely talk.

I eventually logged back into Facebook but I was not going anywhere near his page or his messages.  He kept e-mailing me that he was so sorry and for me to forgive him that he didn't mean it, that I misunderstood him.  Well by the time I had logged back in my other friends had posted how great I had looked and were concerned with what was wrong with me.  Why was I so down.  It's not like me to show my pain publicly.  And here it was out there in the open for everyone to see.  I was hurt!!!  I started to regain some of my strength back from the positive comments from my friends but I was still hurt.  I was useless the rest of the day and the evening.  There was nothing that was going to make me snap out of it.  It's been a long time since I was that low!!!  My head was even over powering my depression meds.  I didn't talk to him until the next day, and even then I was hesitant.  But I figured that I had fallen off my horse and I needed to get back on!!!

I explained to him how much he really hurt me.  I don't think I have ever confronted someone with how I felt.  That was a new experience for me.  It felt good and bad all at the same time.  It felt good that I was able to let him know that I was upset and that he had done it to me, but at the same time, it still hurt that something like this upset me....I am stronger than this.  Or at least I like to lie to myself and tell myself I am.  We have since worked things out and understand each other now and we are good friends once again.  But the whole incident was a little unnerving for me.  I can see that I have not totally fought off my demons in my head.  I thought that I was not completely over my issues but at least had a better handle on them.  I guess it's still one day at a time.  But I have gained some new confidence and that is good!!!

A couple of days after that, Wendy had come into town.  I wanted to look my best.  I went out and bought a new pair of shoes...I was looking for some cute sandals but ended up with some platform heels....lol.  You can take the girl out of the shoe store but you can't keep her from buying the sexy shoes!!!!  LOL  Talk about feeling like a million bucks!!!  Jim thought I looked hot and I felt hot and not just sweaty either!!!  LOL

This is Wendy and myself.  Two peas in a pod!!!  Did I mention that we are joined at the hips...lol

This is Abigail, the baby...not anymore!!!  Wow she is already 4 almost 5!!!  Where did the time go?

And of course the three of us.  The other kids couldn't come on this trip, so I guess Jim and I are just going to have to take a trip to see them....hint hint....honey.....

Anyway after we spent a couple of hours with Wendy and her family, it was time for us to meet up with Spencer at the Fox and Goose bar.  We all ordered something, Jim had English sausage sandwich, Spencer had a really good looking hamburger, and I got the most amazing fish and chips!!!  The guys had a few beers, and we sat and chatted for another couple of hours.  The band that was playing was ok but the next band was so much fun.  I had the greatest time!!!  Catching up with Spencer, who is more like family than a friend is always a bright spot in my life!!!  We left tired but I was still full of the most tremendous energy and happiness that it is almost impossible to explain.  I felt 100 feet tall and it wasn't just because I was wearing heels!!!  LOL!!!

The next day we had to go out to my brother-in-laws to pick up mom's car.  Yeah it's finally fixed so she can drive it!!!  Well ok she can go to the store or other places that are close.  I don't really want her driving until after her other eye surgery.  But it is a load off my shoulders knowing that she at least has wheels that if she needs something that's close, she doesn't have to wait for me to get the time to go.  It will take a lot of pressure off of us both.  At least for now.  LOL.

We dropped mom's car off and headed home.  I went to bed the night before at 1am and woke up at 2am!!!  I know I'm insane!!!  So Jim and I needed some much needed rest.  I tried to sleep but it was hard because that night we were meeting some friends for dinner then out for drinks, dancing, and singing!!!!!  Yep I said singing!!!  LOL

That night I got all dressed up again...heels and mak-up!!!!  I was going to make my hubby proud!!!  I was going to show him that his wife is feeling good and looking good too!!!  I was even going to let myself have a few drinks!!!  We met Lori, Norm, Valora, and Kevin at Kool Hand Lukes for dinner!!!  Oh man the food was good, but the company was sooo much better!!!  I was having the time of my life!!!  I don't think I have laughed so much in a long time.  LOL.

We finally met up with Holly and Ron at Referee's bar.  The band was too loud...now you know I'm old!!!! LOL!!!!  We all sat and chatted tasted each others drinks, and had a blast!!!  Us girls ended up playing some darts...not well but it was fun..  We didn't have a clue what we were doing but it was fun.  The husbands were having fun watching us women be dorks...but it wall all good!!!  I didn't want the night to end, but I knew it had too.  Jim and I once again got in around 1am.  I again was up around 2am.  But I didn't care!!!  I have found my happiness!!!  I can hold these times close in my heart and over come anything.  I know I can....I have it in me...now that I have seen it, it is much easier to go back to those feelings.  So watch out world...I am fighting my demons one at a time...but I will win this fight!!!

With the love an support from all of my friends....I can overcome anything!!!  I want to thank all of you for that!!!  You have given me a gift that I can never say thank you enough for!!!  You have given me back my life!!

Stop waiting around...

My morning started early once again.  It was 2am and I was up calling a friend to make sure he was up.  Then I headed over to Facebook to see what my other friends were doing.  I read a few things and posted a few things and then I sat and stared at my computer.  I had sent a message to another friend who would be the only person awake at this hour.  I checked a friend request that I had sent to another friend.  The friend I sent a friend request to had apparently denied my request, which is fine.  But it dawned on me at this point....what are you doing?!?!  Why are you wasting your time waiting around for other people to contact you?!?!  I sit at my computer, waiting for acquaintances (my true friends are awesome) to contact me.  I guess that friend request denial is bothering me more than I thought.  But why am I wasting my energy on these people who obviously have better things to do?  It comes back to that needing acceptance again I guess.  Well no more!!!!  The phone calls work both ways. It's time someone starts chasing after me!!!  I'm worth it!!!  I'm going to no longer be tied to my computer waiting for someone to contact me.  If you catch me online than good for you.  Other than that....eat my dust!!!  LOL.  This woman is on the move!!!

Get off your butt and move!!!

After re-reading yesterdays post and of course living it, I decided that it is time for me to really do something about this.  I am never going to love myself as long as I stay heavy like this.  I know that I use my weight as a shield for many things.  Well today is a day to start stripping!!!

I am going to really focus on things that I want to do.  I know, how many times have you heard me say this....if I had a nickel kind of thing....  Well, I am really going to focus and focus hard on it. I am going to sort of start small so I don't get discouraged.  I know....me get discouraged?!?!?!  LOL.  In a heart beat!!!  But then it makes me want to try harder....me and my catch 22's!!!

So I am getting back to my gym routine, and I'm not going to let anything sway that!!!  Not even me!!!  I'm going to get my bike back in shape and I'm going to start taking Shadow outside too.  I think we could both use some sunshine.  It's going to be hard, but I'm coming first....at least once or twice a week for now!!  lol.

I need to feel my own self-worth.  And since I'm the type that seems to learn the hard way....there is no better way than to just get out there and do it.  So no more down time for me.  If I start to feel down again, then that means it's time to get off my butt and move.  It doesn't matter if it is just taking Shadow for a walk, or if it's just turning on the radio and dancing like a fool!!!!  Uh...sorry I won't be posting photos of that!!!!  LOL.  I don't want any YouTube craze going!!!!  LOL.

So bear with me as we get our buns in motion....wow you would not believe THAT motion....LOL!!!  I'm looking up for a better today, tomorrow, and future.  And you all are coming with me kicking and screaming....LOL.

Thanks to everyone who has been there for me, not just this past week, but always.  I used to think I was doing this all alone.  I know differently now.  You are all my strength and courage.  I love you all for that!!!  Now let's get off the couch and do something!!!!

Have a great day everyone!!!  You have made mine fantastic!!!

Emotional roller coaster....get on or get off?!?!?!

This last week for me has been an emotional roller coaster.  I have been really up and then I have fallen into the depths of below.  Other than my poor self image, I can't really focus on what is making me like this.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I know that but I usually wear a sweater over the shirt so no one can see.  But is it time for me to take that sweater off?

I have this issue where I need to be accepted and loved constantly.  Which I know I am by many but for some reason I can't seem to tell myself that.  I get so excited and happy when someone pays attention to me, but then I can't ever seem to get enough.  So when that person or persons don't pay constant attention to me daily, I feel like I have been forgotten or discarded.  I have a good idea where some of this comes from, but still shouldn't I be able to kick this.  I have a ton of fantastic friends on Facebook and some here in town, but I can never seem to get enough.  I feel like, you know I really don't know.  I know that I am insecure about myself, but shouldn't the love and friendship of others finally make me see that I am worth something?

My doctor would like me to try and get off my depression medicine, but right now, I don't see how I can.  If I'm feeling this up and down ON my meds Lord help Jim if I go off of them!!!  I hate to see what I put him through with all of this.  He loves me so unconditionally and yet, I still can't accept the love he shows me.  It never seems enough even from him.  I love him so much.  But yet I feel like I have to have all of this acceptance from others to make me feel like I am worth something.

I try and think of myself positively but I usually just end up ignoring myself.  I don't put myself down as much anymore, so that is good, but I don't think ignoring myself is healthy either.  It's no wonder why I look to make others happy.  Am I unable to actually be happy?  Jim sometimes teases me that I'm not happy unless my life is in complete turmoil.  Could this be right?  I don't want to sit down and dwell on the past, because the past is the past, but is my past still hurting me?  How do I let go of these demons?

It wouldn't be so bad I guess if I didn't let my high's get so high.  That way when an everyday life occurrence happens, it doesn't feel so low.  But I like the feeling of being really happy and full of love and excitement!!!  Why is it that I can help others through times like this but I can not take my own advice.  I know what to do, sort of, but I just can't seem to put it in motion.  I've tried faking it till I make it happen but I know that it is false and to me it's like telling a lie.  It's not true. 

This makes me all so tired.  It's these times where I go to the fridge for comfort, but then that drops me down lower.  Why do I have to make life so hard?  It's not that hard is it?  It can't be....others live happy lives.  So do I choose to stay on this path of destruction or do I find a way to get off.  Naturally, the first thing out of my mouth is to get off....but can I really get off or have I super glued my butt to the seat?

It's time for me to go do something other than dwell on these thoughts.  I choose to change!!!  I just hope I can.

Just thinking

This morning, I retreated to the bathtub to soak and think a few things over.  I know why the tub, well it's a place where I can be alone, there are no outside influences like tv, the kitchen, the dirty house, etc.  I can slip down into the warm water have some white noise playing in the background, and just let my mind wander.  However, my mind has been racing lately.

By accident, I happened to come across a show called "Ruby" on the style channel.  Now I know who Ruby is, from my Myspace page, but I had never seen her show.  If you don't know who she is, she is a woman who weighed I think over or around seven hundred pounds and decided to lose weight and find out why she got to where she was in life.  It's a really amazing story.  I admire her for doing this.  She has lost like three hundred pounds so far, and it's all been by diet and exercise.  No surgery!!!!  Anyway, I happened to click on the show and the episode that was running was one on a six day intensive program.  What the program was is kind of like an addicts detox.  They went through emotions from the past of why they gained the weight and all kinds of things.  In a way that is something I would like to do, but in a way I wouldn't want to do it either.  My past is my past, and I try and keep it that way.  I learn from my mistakes (at least I hope I do) and move on.  Not to mention, that I don't really remember a lot of my childhood and past.  I just know that it was rough, painful, and traumatic.  That's really more than I would care to remember.  Anyway, at one point in the show, one of the women was setting up some pillows for another lady and the leader of the program asked her why she is doing that.  The woman said that she wanted to make sure that the other lady had pillows for when the session started.  The leader replied with did she ask you to do that?  The woman said no.  The leader said then stop it, put them back.  Well long story short, the leader basically told the woman that she does for others so she doesn't have to focus on herself and her issues.

Wow!!!!  Is that really true?  I have been a people pleaser and put everyone else's needs before mine for forever.  But I thought that I was being caring and polite.  Am I really that afraid to deal with my own issues that much?  Is that why it is so hard for me to put myself first?  I just thought it was hard for me to put myself first is because I never felt like I deserved it.  I have always felt like my job was to make everyone else happy around me.  You know....do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  Have I been missing the point all of these years?  Will I ever be strong enough to face my demons head on and get past all of my negative self talk, and belittling of myself?  Will I ever really love myself?  They say that you can not truly love someone until you love yourself.  Have I been short changing Jim all of these years?  Will I ever really be happy?  And have I EVER really been happy?

Well now you know just how screwed up my head is.  That is a lot of stuff to think about, and I got all of that from an hour show.  Huh.  I still can't answer those questions.  I think the worst part of it is that those questions gnaw on me bit by bit.  I still truck on through life, I have to, I have others in my life that need my strength.  Or do they?  Have I created a group of people to be around me that need me so I can feel better about myself, or do they truly need me.  Do I make sure that the people around me are able to enable my desires without knowing it so I don't have to make the tough decisions?  Am I not as strong as I thought I was?

So I guess it's time for me to really take a look at me for a change.  I guess I will have to look at how I do things and why a little closer.  That gets so tiring though.  But maybe it's what I need to get me back going.  No one ever told me that this was going to be an easy journey.  And here I thought that the losing weight was going to be the hardest part.  Maybe a lobotomy would come in handy eh?!?!?!  lol

Well I'm tired of thinking for now and I'm starting to look like a California Raisin!!!!  No the computer is not in the tub with me!!!!!  Stop it!!!  lol.  It's time to go take my blood sugar reading and drink some water.  It's still many hours before Jim and Shadow will ever wake up. 

I thank you for listening/reading my insecurities and ramblings.  I'll see you on the flip side....

Another day, another decision

I have had a lot on my mind lately.  Between worrying about a package I sent to a friend in England, some wonky things going on with my body, my sister getting a notice that her psychiatrist is dropping her, money ALWAYS being an issue, and many, many more things, my mind is all tied up in knots.

When I start to feel this way, the first thing I normally do is to either eat or hide somewhere from the world.  Since I am unable to totally break all of my habits, I decided to do some therapy cooking.  I am fine cooking as long as I don't let myself "dip into" the tasting habit.  So I decided that I had some chocolate chips hanging around that I knew I would start searching for to eat if I didn't do something with them.  So I made 4 dozen cookies.  Which I might add I have only had 4 of them in 2 days!!!!  Not bad for a girl that would have eaten 4 plates of them before they even hit the table!!!  Since I had started the cooking process, I decided that I needed to get back to my meal plans.  It makes life so much easier when I have already thought of what to eat for the day.  We eat better when I do that too!!  No throwing things together to make a meal, or eating out because food just doesn't sound appealing to fix.  Not to mention that I usually use my weekends to prepare a ton of food for the week, so if I have a hectic week, there is food ready to throw in the oven or whatever.

With that in mind, I made some hamburgers with cheese stuffed in them so they are ready to throw on the BBQ.  I cleaned out the refrigerator and put all of the food in containers so it's easy for Jim to take it for lunch.  I have created my weekly menu for all of the meals not just dinners.

I started picking up the kitchen and going through a ton of papers to throw away.  I was doing ok as long as I kept busy.  Once I started to stop and do nothing, the depression and thoughts of eating came rushing back.  This usually happens when I have too much on my mind and I don't let any frustration out.  I can usually get rid of a lot of this negative stuff by going to the gym.  But since I haven't been feeling up to par, I haven't been going to the gym this last week. Which is probably why my body is feeling wonky!!!  Oh it's such a catch 22 it's not funny!!  I do realize that most of the problems I encounter are of my own doing.  I don't think I'm happy unless I'm stressed or miserable.  That's pretty sad!!!

But I got through the day without too many issues or food stuffed into my mouth!!!  I wish that some days it was easier and that I didn't have to think about what I am doing so much.  But if I don't think about it, that's when I get into trouble.  I start eating and not taking care of myself and that just makes things that much worse.  So today is yet another day, with more decisions to make.  I can make this change, but wow some days are just killers.  So my decision today is to stay busy and get through the weekend.  I'm not going to throw this weekend away, I will maintain trying to stay focused, but Monday, I hit the grind stone hot and heavy.  If I can't make the choices mentally then I will have to make them forcefully!!!  I will have to push, push, push myself to work through things and not use food to make the choices for me.

I can do this, and I will do this.....I just hope I make it through alive!!!!  LOL.  Here is to a stronger, healthier, happier me.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!!!!

Well I'm not Hispanic and I'm not drinking.....so what's the point of celebrating this holiday for me?!?!?  It's a chance to eat!!!!  Ok for me it's a chance to MAKE some good food!!!

Today I decided that instead of the regular old tacos for dinner, I was going to make my pure protein chicken enchiladas!!!  That's right!!!  No tortillas in this one.

I took some boneless, skinless chicken breasts and boiled them until they were just done.  I let them cool then shredded them with a couple of forks.  Then I took some cream of mushroom soup, sour cream, milk, shredded cheese, and chicken taco seasoning and mixed them all together with the chicken.  Oops, I guess I should tell you to save about a cup of the mushroom soup mixture (without the chicken) so you can pour it on top of the enchiladas after you have rolled them.  My bad....hee hee hee.

As you can see I poured some of the sauce in the bottom of the pan so I wouldn't have to use any cooking spray.  I took some chicken lunchmeat and put about 1/3 of a cup of filling on it and rolled it up. I filled them fairly full since I had a little more cheese in the mixture than normal....we're celebrating right?!?!?!  lol.

I told you I filled them full right?!?!?!  Yummm...  And yes, these are the ingredients that I used, I'm not just selling Land O Frost lunchmeat!!!  LOL.

After I got them all rolled up, I poured the rest of the sauce on top of them and sprinkled some more cheese on top.  I put it into a 350 degree oven and cooked it until the cheese browned.  Everything is already cooked before you put it in the oven so you are more or less just heating it through.  Be sure and let them cool for a little bit before you serve them, or your guests will burn their mouths!!!  I can tell you this from experience!!!

As far as serving sizes....it's up to you.  I personally can only eat one roll up with my tiny stomach.  But Jim, my hubby who is a eater, can usually only eat about 3 roll ups.  So they are very filling!!!!!  And oh sooooo good!!!!!  If any of you try this, please send me some pics or how you liked them.  I would love to add some chilies, onions, and other stuff, but Jim likes them this way.

So that is all we did for the holiday.  We ate then went to bed!!  LOL, we are such party animals!!!  Woot woot!!!!  I hope you all had a fantastic day today and I hope I've shared a new twist to an old favorite.

Until next time......

The weekend is over, a new week begins

This last weekend was one of new adventures for me.  Going to Holly's party was the biggest part, but overall it was a weekend of letting go.  I tried to not worry so much about everything that is happening in my life and live life.  I can't say that I was absolutely successful, but I did pretty good.

Now a new week is about to begin and I am going to strive towards letting go a little bit.  I want to take time for me.  I do however have to take my mom and sister out shopping sometime this week and then to Brown Bag, but other than that, the week is mine.  I have already started cleaning up the kitchen and throwing things away.  I would love to be able to say that I kicked my hoarding habits on my own!!!!  Besides, I am dying to have people come over.  I no longer want to be the one that has to go out to places to see friends.  I would love people to feel comfortable in my home.  Shoot, I would love to feel comfortable in my home.

I am going back to the gym this morning to get back into the swing of things after hurting my back.  These last few days of not going to the gym, have made me feel sluggish.  Not to mention that I can see my tendencies to start eating everything in the house starting up again.  Ugh, I was just conquering that hurdle.  I guess my training for hurdles is still in progress.  LOL.

I'm getting back to preparing a weekly menu and going to stick with it.  Eating out is so expensive now and it's pointless for me to even try anymore.  I am still having trouble eating reheated food, which I guess in a way is a good thing!!  However, it sort of bums me out that the ribs I BBQ'd last night are a one time eat!!!!  But that is ok, I KNOW Jim is going to enjoy them, again and again!!!  Hee hee hee.

I'm not sure what I am going to conquer this week, but I am keeping a positive attitude towards it.  It's time that I tell myself that I am worth it, and to start believing it.  I think it's time after 37 years of beating myself up mentally.  Time to keep my head high, heart hopeful, and life fulfilled!!!

It's my time and I'm going to seize it!!!

Let's get this party started!!!!

Well last night was a blast and a half for me.  Jim and I went to a party at a friends house.  Now for you to understand how tremendous this was, I have to tell you that I haven't been to a party or a friends house in over three years.  I would want to go, but by the time I found something that fit and got past my insecurities, I was so miserable that it wasn't worth going.  No matter how good of a friend it was.  I couldn't even go visit family in Oregon because I couldn't get over my insecurities.  How pathetic is that, that I couldn't even see family and they couldn't get me past my "head".

Well all of that vanished last night.  Now most of these people were friends of Jim's that he went to school with, but one lady in particular had become a good friend of mine.  That lady was Holly.  We had become friends through Facebook.  Holly had read my blog and then befriended me.  That was the start of me coming out of my shell among other things.

Jim and I had been invited to another party earlier in the year by another one of his friends, Randy.  We were unable to make that one, but I am so happy that we were able to make Holly's party last night.  Everyone made me feel so comfortable!!!  It was like I had known these people for years!!!  They didn't see that I was heavy, they saw me for me!!!  I didn't have to go hide in a corner being to afraid to talk to anyone for fear of being judged.  I was actually able to mingle and talk with people!!!  For the first time in a very long time, I didn't even think about my weight.  I could just be me.  The same quirky, fun-loving, smart arse me.  One of the best things about last night was that Jim and I actually got to spend some time out together having fun.  Jim has accepted the "mole" lifestyle I had become accustomed to.  We hadn't been out together on a date or just to hang out in many years.  We had gotten comfortable (well I had at least) with hiding in the house and hiding from the world.  I think I have made his life so dull and lifeless, but if you know Jim he would tell you otherwise.  He is such a support for me, I don't know if I could have done this without him.  Thank you honey, I love you!!!!  Anyway, I didn't have to stay by his side looking for comfort and support.  I was able to let him go off on his own while I met new people.

I can't explain to you in words just how empowering this is for me.  I can be the real me here on the computer, because I know you don't have to see me.  But for me to be able to be me and not hide is better than any drug I could ever find!!!

So I am looking forward to many more outings no matter what they may be.  This has been a long road to travel but I think that this path is starting to get paved and isn't so rocky.  The next thing I need to do is get those boots a walking and continue to put myself out there.  I'm worth it and I'm finally starting to see that.

Thanks everyone who has helped me get this far!!!  You don't know how much your love and support really means!!!  Now let's start getting together....lol

Things are looking up for me.

It's been awhile since I've been blogging, because there has really not been anything worth blogging about.  My life was kind of stale and I wasn't really doing anything.  That is going to change and has started changing!!!

I have gained a new gym partner and new motivation.  I had asked my Facebook and Myspace friends to help me stay accountable by making sure I post that I have worked out each day.  That has worked so far but by actually having a partner to work out with has helped tons.  I don't want to let him down, especially since he asked if I could help him with his strength training.

I have now revamped my exercise schedule to every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I do cardio twice a day, and strength training twice a day.  On Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays I just do cardio twice a day.  I take time to rest on Sunday....very needed rest I might add!!!  LOL.  Oh how could I forget....I am going to take a belly dancing class for an hour every Friday night!!!  I have the belly....I might as well put it to use!!  LOL!!!!

I am continuing my journey of getting back to me.  It has been hard putting myself first when I have put others before me all my life.  But I am feeling fantastic and I'm regaining my self esteem and confidence.  I haven't really seen or felt a very happy Tristine for a long time.  She's back now, and is looking to play and make up for some lost times.  I want to experience everything!!!!  I want to go back dancing, riding roller coasters, rock climbing, you name it, I want to try it!!!

So that's it for today....so far, the day is young and so am I!!  I've finished my protein shake and now it's time to get ready for the gym.  I hope to see you back here again.  Enjoy life every chance you can!!  Hugs all.

The Monday after...

LOL!!!!  My title sounds like a bad B movie!!!  Well the Monday after Easter has come and gone.  Easter was good except for the fact that I ate some real sugar in the form of a piece of chocolate cake with ice cream, and had 3 cookies, all before 10 am!!!!  Oh did my tummy feel it!!  I felt so yucky!!!  We didn't eat dinner until almost 4pm.  Then we had Taco Bell and that didn't sit well either!!  So, I guess it's back to eating the right way!!!  It is getting harder and harder to eat fast food, which is a good thing, but it makes it hard to grab something quick.  But that's ok, because I am losing weight and feeling good!!!

So yesterday, it took me almost half and hour to talk myself into going to the gym.  I hadn't gone in three days and I knew I had to get back.  Especially after Easter!!!  After I drug myself out of bed, I had to eat some form of protein so I could do my strength training.  I didn't have time to drink a protein shake, and I didn't want a cup of fluid in my stomach while I was on the treadmill.  I opted for some thin sliced chicken lunchmeat.  I either ate it too fast or didn't chew it up good enough because I only got through about three slices and was done!!!!  So off to the gym I went.  Oh, I didn't want to leave the house.  After really dragging my feet, I arrived at the gym around 4:05am.  I climbed up the stairs, would have loved to take the elevator but didn't, and headed towards the dreaded scale.  I was almost afraid to look!!!  But I have to know how much so I can program the treadmill.  I was pleasantly surprised when the scale read that I had LOST three pounds!!!!  Wholly cow!!!!!  That means that I am only seven pounds away from 100 pounds lost!!!!  I was instantly energized.   Well at least for a minute.  I started the treadmill....my feet felt like lead weights.  Every step seemed to just drag on and on.  It took me a good fifteen minutes again before I had hit my stride and the time sort of flew after that.  The only problem is now that I have to start kicking up the speed.  I am having a hard time getting my heart rate up again.  Darn it!!!  I know, no pain, no gain.  Sheeze, who ever thought that statement up needs to be slapped!!!!  LOL

I got through the workout, didn't do any strength training, I was running out of time.  Got home, and got Jim off to work.  When I came back home, it felt sooo good to get in the shower!!!  Oh I could have stayed in there for hours.  Sigh.....Shadow convinced me to go lay down for a minute in bed with her and the next thing I know, we have fallen asleep for an hour!!!!  But hey, we all need some cuddle time with our pets/kids right!!!  I thought so!!!  LOL.  I got a call from a friend of mine who is still in England.  Wow he's been there for a month now!!!  Anyway, it was nice to hear from him and of course he showered me with well wishes and happy thoughts.  He sent some prayers my way for the job fair today.  We talked for just a few minutes, then I had to go.  I had to go take mom to her physical therapy again.

The gentleman that does mom's physical therapy is a kick in the pants!!!  He is sooo funny.  Mom bought him a chocolate bunny last week for Easter and he was thrilled.  We got talking about how mom and Kelly were eating gummy bears in front of me and he said that he would work mom extra hard for me to make up for it!!!  LOL.  So yesterday, I brought him some gummy coke bottles.  He had mentioned that he really liked them, so I thought I would return the favor for putting mom through the paces.  I know I'm evil, but hey turn around is fair play right?!?!?!  LOL.  We spent the whole half hour joking and laughing while mom had to do her physical therapy.  It was a fun morning!!!

After mom's appointment, they were dying to go to the dollar store.  Hours later....not really just seems like that.  Mom and Kelly were hungry, and I had brought some coupons to go out to eat.  Well they decided they wanted Carl's Jr.s.  Well that would have been fine but we got there at 1pm and it was packed!!!!  So I took them to Jimboys instead.  I ordered two chicken tacos.  I ate three quarters of one taco, lost about a quarter of it and was done!!!  The other taco went home for Jim!!  Once again, fast food is not my friend.  You would think I'd learn or something huh!!!  I finally took mom and Kelly home then off to meet Jim at work.  I had bought Jeffrey and Sann some onion garlic cashews and wanted to make sure they got them.  Oh Jim is going to kill me.  He hates the smell of those things!!!  Muwahahahaha!!!!!  Did I mention, I think I'm evil!!!!

I got some much needed support from Jeffrey about todays job fair, as Jim relaxed with a beer.  What more could you want out of life?  We headed home.

A Happy Easter indeed!!

Happy Easter everyone!!!  Well this year, I am feeling good about who and what I am.  However, I do not like this photo!!!  Sheeze!!!  Anyway, this is one of my new dresses for my new size me.  In the photo it looks like it just hangs but really there is a waist and some boobs in there!!!  LOL

I couldn't tell you why I am leaning though.  Ha ha ha.  Maybe there was some hip action that I was unaware of!!  lol.

This morning, Jim and I picked up mom and Kelly and took them out to breakfast at the Golden Corrall.  It is the end of my Lent promise and I had every intention of eating something bad!!!!  Well first thing this morning, when I got up, I ate a piece of Jim's Pot of Gold candy.  I thought I was going to hurl!!!  It was sooo sickening sweet.  Yuck!!  Hey wait a minute....did I just say yuck to chocolate?!?!?!  OMG where is the pod.  Yep that's right.  It was too sweet for me.

So when we got to the resturant, I got some eggs, ham, sausage, hashbrowns and some mushrooms.  I couldn't eat the sausage, it wouldn't break down enough even chewing it 30 times!!!!  I was able to eat the scrambled eggs with the mushrooms mixed in with them, but the ham and the hasbrowns...took another journey.  Yep, I couldn't keep those guys down.  That's ok though.  I then had some cottage cheese with pears, some apples, and something else that I can't remember right now.  Wow must have made a lasting impression on me.  Welll that stuff went down ok.

Then it was time for dessert!!!!  Oh the joy...chocolate cake!!!!  I had a piece of cake with some vanilla ice cream on it, two chocolate chip cookies and a peanut butter cookie.  They all grossed me out.  I ate them...but I know I won't do that again!!!  Have I finally gotten over my obsession with sweets?!?!   Wow that would be nice!!!  Let's see how I do with the bread, pasta, and rice thing.  I am continuing with not eating those things from here on out.  Naturally I won't be as strick as I was for Lent but I am going to be pretty close!!!  I don't want to lose what I have started.  The losing weight and feeling good about myself is fantastic!!!  I don't want to lose this feeling again!!!  Now if I can stay away from cameras I'll be ok.  I still hate the way I look in photos!!!  I never feel like I look like me!!  ARG!!!!!

Anyway, I didn't eat too much except for the sweets and now we are home.  Time to get a move on my resume for Tuesday.  Who knows I may actually push hard for a job!!!  I'm not going to get my hopes up too high.  I don't want to be let down, but I have to try right?!?!!  RIGHT!!!

So I hope you all had a great Easter!!!  I did.  Hugs to you all!!!!

Something unexpected

A lot has happened this week.  I know, get off your can and write about it and not leave us guessing.  Sorry, I will trya nd get better.

To start the week off, I had to take mom in for some physical therapy.  She is doing really good too.  However, she made the mistake of telling her PT that Kelly and her were eating gummy worms under my nose!!!!  So he promised me that he would work her hard...lol!!!!  After I took them back home, I had talked to a friend of mine who is still looking for a job.  I found an e-mail that there is a job fair being held Tuesday April 6th at 10am.  Well he has an appointment with EDD (unemployment) and can't make it.  So I told him that I would go and check it out for him to see who is hiring and what is out there.  Then I got thinking....this would be a good time for me to look to see what is out there for me.  It's been seven years since I have been in the work force and I need to see what I am up against.  Not to mention that I am feeling really good about myself right now and would be able to carry myself professionally.  I'm not, but I am, looking for a job.  I'm not taking any resume's with me because mine really needs to be worked over.  I am the same person as before but the wording is not right for me now.  But should I talk with someone that would like to talk to me further....I'm not against it.

I was going to wear the same outfit I wore last Easter.  It's a little frilly for job searching but I didn't want to buy new clothes for something I wasn't serious about.  I felt good in it and looked fairly good too.  So that's that.  I had made my decision.

Tuesday comes along and I have to take Kelly into get some lab work done, then mom to the doctor to see about her eye sugery.  Yep the surgery is still on for April 13th.  Sigh.  But she needs to get it done.  Well time got away from us and I wasn't able to take them shopping.  So I told mom that I would come back out the next day to take them shopping.  I'm glad I did!!!

In the back of my mind, I am thinking about this job fair.  I am starting to get excited about going, even if I don't really get a job.  I have been doing some writting for a friend of mine and it's bringing out the old me.  The over achiever, administrative me.  It feels good!!!  I feel good about me!!!!  Yep, you heard me....I FEEL GOOD ABOUT ME!!!!  So we are walking around WalMart and I happen to see this cute blouse that is on clearance.  The blouse is a size 4x.  I know a 4x will come close to fitting because that is the size of the outfit I was going to wear.  Not to mention, I had gone through my closet and all of my old dress clothes are huge!!!  No way could I look professional in those!!!  Sigh....some of those outfits, I had only worn once or twice, and they were nice outfits too.  Anyway, looking a little further, I found a blue and white dress, also in a 4x.  I thought, what the hey, at least try it on.  Well I went and grabbed my mom and made her come with me for support.  I tried on the blouse, too tight around the belly for me to be comfortable.  Then I tried on the dress, OMG it fits and looks really nice on me!!!!  I couldn't believe it!!!  The best part is that I can't really see how big my belly is!!!!  I look hot!!!!  So I grab the dress and we finish out our day.  I go home and show Jim what I found.  Not to mention, it was only eighteen dollars!!!!  My clothes usually cost like fifty to sixty at least!!!  I tried it on for him and he was amazed and so happy for me.

The next day, Jim took me to Catherine's to look for a suit for the job fair.  When we got there, I found two outfits that fit and looked really nice on me too.  I can't believe this.  I have never been so happy shopping.  I also found three bras that I liked and they fit really well too!!!  It was such a joy to go shopping again and feel like a woman again.

The next couple of days was spent looking for the right shoes out of my closet, the right jewelry to wear, and as all women know...the right purse to carry.  The only thing that was eluding me was a pair of control panties.  I wore them with my outfit last Easter to help keep the belly tight but now I can't find them.  UGH!!!  I will feel much more confident if I have them on.  Even though I always hold my tummy in, I get tired, that's a lot of weight to be holding up.  So with the panties on I can relax every once and a while.  Well as of today I couldn't find them.  I didn't want to go buy a pair because who knows when I will ever need them again.  So as I'm doing laundry, I look around to some of the old clothes that I have saved from when I was thinner.  I found the girdle that I wore for my wedding 13 years ago!!!  Now, my dress was a size 30 but I only weighed 260 pounds.  I am currently weighing in at 325!!!  Now that is a difference of 65 pounds!!!  I have to admit, I didn't think I could even get it over my hips let alone over my belly.  But I hooked it all up and zippered the side and pulled them on.  It took a little arranging but I was in them and they were not uncomfortable!!!  The legs were even big!!!!  OMG!!!!!  I can't be any more excited!!!  This is SO empowering to me that I'm not even sure I could explain it to you!!!

My outfit for Tuesday is a white jacket with black trim, a black and white plaid A-line skirt that hits about my knees, black and white platform heels (about 4 inches tall), and a gold necklace and earrings.  And let me tell you, I feel hot!!!  I know I am still quite large but I feel really good about myself.  Oh you don't know how long I have waited to say that and really mean it!!

I have also done really good with my Lent sacrifice, and have not eaten any rice, bread, pasta, or sugar.  In fact it's going so good that I am going to keep it up even after Easter.  Yep, I said after Easter, I have to have some sugar....ok chocolate!!!  LOL.  But then it's back to being good.

Well that is all for now.  Jim and I are taking mom and Kelly out for breakfast tomorrow for Easter, then it's home to relax with the hubby.  I'll post some pictures of me in my new clothes as I get them taken.

I hope you all have a fantastic Easter and that all your dreams and wishes come true.  It really can happen!!!!

Thinking too much...

There have been a lot of things going through my mind lately that I wasn't sure I was ready to share.  I probably should have as these are things that I deal with on a daily basis.

I have gone back to the gym.  It feels fantastic.  I feel like I am home.  I am also starting to feel like I belong there.  Slowly I am starting not to wonder what people are thinking of me.  It helps that I keep my headphones on too, but I am finally there for me.  I can't say as if I enjoy what I look like when I am working out but hey, unless you look like Ms. Universe who really does.  And the fact that the weight is coming off really helps too.  I am embarrased to say that it was not totally my doing to get back at the gym, I had a little bit of help.  As many of you may know, I have a terrible self image of myself.  In my minds eye, I don't feel as heavy as I am, until I see myself in a photo, mirror, or window.  I try to wear clothes that don't show how big I really am, which in turn probably makes me look heavier.  But I refuse to wear clothes that fit tight so I can wear a size 28!!!

Anyway, it wasn't until a few guys started to notice me.  Sorry Jim but there is something about when someone who doesn't know you and love you takes a notice of you.  I actually felt like a woman!  I know Jim loves me deeply and I him, but the fact that total strangers were taking notice, felt awesome!!  Not to mention, I don't have a lot of friends, so I stay mostly hidden in my house.  Most of my interface with people is online.  So when these guys started to notice and want to spend time with me, of course that makes me feel even better!!!  But they have become my friends.  I would like to think that they like me for who and what I am, but in the back of my mind, I have this little voice that says, they think you are weak and that they can get into your pants.  Which then leads into my head thinking, why would they ever want to get into my pants...I'm too fat!!!  Well any other girl that might work but for me, it won't.  I am happily married and would never do anything to hurt my husband.  My only fear is that, it's going to hurt me.  I so badly want friends and acceptance that sometimes my judgement is not always the best.  I don't think I would ever do anything out of character, but I have to admit, I can get lost in the game.

All of this has come to mind when one of the guys that I have become friends with, is in England.  I enjoy talking with him and we are able sometimes to chat online, but mostly I call him.  Now here is where my judgement gets fuzzy.  Money is tight with Jim and I.  In fact we are really having some issues with making sure everything gets paid.  So what do I do....I end up calling England almost everyday to talk with my friend.  I knew it was costly, but the sheer excitement was overwhelming.  It was almost addicting.

Well with all of this on my mind along with money issues, family issues, and the regular stressors of being human, I am having trouble keeping my mind on me.  I have to admit, I still have not eaten any of my Lent sacrifices, bread, pasta, rice, and sugar.  But I am flip flopping from eating too much to not eating at all.  I'm not sleeping good and with all of this happening, I can't tell if it's my mind or my training that is draining me.  I so don't want to quit my gym training, and I don't want to go back to living in a hole, but something has to change.  Maybe if I felt better about myself, but I don't know how I'm going to get there.

All of this brings me to my self esteem issues.  Since I am so wanting human interaction, I have a tendency to beat myself up when I don't hear from people every day.  I know that sounds stupid, but for as long as I can remember, I have called my mother everyday to check in.  I guess it has now become a habit, but I sort of feel like I need to do it to everyone else.  I know people are busy, and that I stay at home (and should be busy too) but I have this need to feel wanted and needed.  So when I can't get a hold of someone, or they say that they will call and they don't I start thinking what did I do.  Even though I really know (or at least I think I really know) that I didn't do anything, I can't help but to think that it was my doing.   Then I beat myself up about being too needy or pushy, or just everything.  Usually that starts the eating process.  But lately it's just been making me revert into myself.  I am becoming more needy from my husband and I know this drives him insane.  I don't know what to do.  Why do I have this compulsion to be liked, needed, and wanted.  I do have some childhood issues that could stem from this, but for awhile before I got really heavy, I wasn't this bad.  So why is it now that I am trying to get myself fit and back in shape that it is coming up?  I don't like the fact that I have to have someone constantly telling me what a good job I'm doing, or that I'm pretty, or that I worth it.  But unless I hear that in some form, I turn on myself like there is no tomorrow.  I know it can't be healthy.  But I don't know how to change it.  Not to mention, I don't like bringing up my insecurities with others because I feel like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill.  These are issues that I should be able to deal with on my own.  So why can't I.

Well I'm bring myself down with all of this so I think I'm going to stop for now.

Happy, happy, joy, joy!!!!

Well things have been going ok for me the last couple of days.  I have made a new friend, gone on a hike, went back to my weight loss support group, went out with a friend dressed up, and now, I've actually been happy with myself!!!

Wow, what a week!!!  Let's see, the friend I had come over in my last post was Arlind.  I met him while I was out at my mom's house.  Then I met Williams online, actually he found me, when I was out at mom's house and we talk and/or chat daily.  It is so nice to have friends again.  Although both of these guys are just chatting friends, Arlind is trying to find work, and Williams is in England now but lives in LA, they make me feel really good about myself.  There is something about someone else noticing you.  Now my wonderful hubby tells me I'm beautiful and wonderful all the time, but I'm sorry to say, he has been sort of put into the catagory of family.  You know they have to love you and say nice things about you.  Which I don't know how he got put there, but hopefully that will change very soon.  Anyway, on with my story....

Ok, it started last Saturday actually.  After Arlind had left, I was playing online at Facebook.  While I was online, I happened to notice that a friend of mine, Paula, was online too.  I started an online chat with her to see how she was doing.  It turns out that she had gained some weight and needed some intervention.  I was only teasing with her when I told her to get off her butt and we need to go for a hike.  Well, she called my bluff!!!  Oh no, now what do I do?!?!  Think, Tristine, ok when do we want to go?  I perked up with how about tomorrow which was Sunday.  Paula thought that was great!!!  Darn it!!!  She called my bluff again!!!!  Well I was actually happy.  I have hidden myself in the house for far too long.  I ran around the house like a crazy woman...I know not a stretch for me...because I was so happy that I was going out.  Even though, I wasn't sure how well I would be able to hike.  At this point, I haven't been to the gym in MONTHS!!!

Sunday rolls around.  I get up do some laundry, fix breakfast for Jim, and clean house for a little bit.  Can you tell I was procrastinating?  LOL.  Finally around 11am I decided to call Paula.  She hadn't called me, and secretly I really did want to go on that hike.  So I called her to see if she was up for the hike too.  She said she was and the funny thing about it was she was hoping that I wouldn't call too!!!  Even though she wanted to go for the hike, neither one of us really wanted to get off our buns and go!  LOL.  So we decided to meet at noon.  I looked at my watch and noticed that it was only 25 minutes away.  So I jumped into the van and off I went to her house.

When I got there she looked so surprised to see me.  Well turns out she hadn't set her clocks ahead, so to her I was an hour early!!!  LOL.  She got ready and we headed for the American River trail.  We had a blast!!!  We started off on a trail.  Oh by the way, it was Paula, her son Corwin, and myself on this trip.  Anyway, we really wern't paying any attention to where we were going, we were just enjoying the fact that we both were out in the sunshine and walking!!  It was good to catch up with Paula.  I hadn't talked to her in ages.  So as we just wandered around we sort of let Corwin pick which way to go, not paying any attention, and we ended up in the thick of things.  LOL.  We were really trail blazing!!!  We came to heavy brush, and rockbeds, you name it, we walked it. The whole time enjoying ourselves.  We ended up walking for about an hour and a half.  Good times.  When we got back, Paula asked if I would like to do this every Sunday, and if I thought that anyone from our support group would like to go too.  I told her that I was up for it no matter what.  It must have been that fresh air that made me lose my mind!  LOL.

When I got home, I felt so alive!!!  This was the Tristine I've been missing!!!  I couldn't contain myself.  I felt like I could go for hours. I didn't even feel drained at all.  I was so surprised!!!  Jim and I ate lunch, and THEN I died and fell alseep!  LOL.

The next day was sort of a hard day for me.  I was so excited about the day before, and then Arlind was supposed to come over to visit with me Monday.  I was running around cleaning the house, and just enjoying life over all.  Until....yep the shoe dropped and I think fell on my head!!!  It was around noon or so and I still hadn't heard from Arlind.  Now I know he's kind of flaky but he is trying to find work and well, he's a guy.  The other thing that was getting to me was I hadn't heard from Williams all weekend.  I started to feel alone.  My head started to go into that dark place of nothingness again, and the depression really kicked in.  I had been off of my depression medicine for about a week because I just didn't find the time to go pick up my perscription.  Well I should have made time.  The later it got and I didn't hear from anyone, the deeper in darkness I fell.  I was back to crying uncontrollably again.  Later that night we were supposed to meet up with Spencer at DeVeer's for his head shaving and at the time I didn't even want to do that!!!  Which if you know me and know how I feel about Spencer, you would know that this was really deep depression.

Jim came home early and just held me for awhile.  I feel so sorry for Jim when I'm like this.  There is no consoling me.  I want closeness but I want everyone to leave me alone.  It's a wonder he's stayed with me so long.  I am truely greatfull and thankfull for him!!!  Anyway, it was getting late and I had told Spencer that we would absolutly be there!!!  So I started dinner.  I didn't want to eat anything, which in it's self is a wonder.  Usually when I am depressed, I eat for about 20 men!!!  I made some pork steak and broccoli for Jim and I.  Then Spencer called and wanted to know if we would meet him at PF Chang's downtown.  We agreed.  now it's time to get ready.  I had bought a new blouse that I was so excited about.  It was a girly blouse, not a dull old t-shirt!!!!  I felt so good about buying it!!!  So I thought, ok, I need to feel good I'll wear that.  I got all dressed up with my new blouse, black jeans (the skinny ones), and my combat boots.  I even spent time and put on make up and curled my hair.  Now you can see how much Spencer means to me.  He's like a brother to me and I want to feel my best when I am with him, because we always have such a good time together.

By the time I got all dressed up and looked at myself in the mirror, I was feeling much better.  I actually felt pretty and not like a huge blob of whatever.  Of course, Jim told me how beatuiful I looked and I said yeah, yeah, yeah.  LOL.  So off we went.  I took my camera because I wanted to have pictures of Spencer getting his head shaved.  He was raising money for cancer.  His grandmother is battling cancer right now.  So we get at the resturaunt and we are a little bit early.  So I asked Jim if he would take my picture, remember I was feeling pretty.  He took a couple of shots of me and then went to show me the pictures.  I asked him not to because I was feeling good about myself and I didn't want to ruin it!  At least I know my limitations right?!?!  So we finally met up with Spencer and as always, he told me I looked beautiful which makes my heart soar!!!  We met up with his mom and her husband, and one of Spencer's friends Vera.  We all sat around and chatted, shared some appetizers, and had a great time.  When it was time for Spencer to go to check in for his shaving, I had the waiter take our photo.  The first photo he took looked ok but had a glare to it from the window.  The next photo...well....I wasn't happy with it, but it wasn't for me, it was for Spencer.

This is the dreaded photo.  But like I said, it was for Spencer and I would have done it all again no matter how uncomfortable I was.  Anyway I didn't see any of the photos until we got home, so at this point, I am still having a FANTASTIC time!!!  Jim, Spencer, and I all walked over to DeVeer's for Spencer to check in.  I snapped a few photos of him there and then we went inside to have a beer.  Man were they ever crowded!!!  But it didn't seem to bother me much.  We bought Spencer a beer since he bought our appetizer but more because we wanted to.  We stood around waiting for his mom and everyone to arrive.  When they got there we headed out to the front of the bar to watch Spencer lose his hair.  It was a blast and a half!!!  After it was all done, Spencer said goodbye to his mom and friend then came back in the bar to spend time with us.  Low and behold, in walks the Mayor of Sacramento...Kevin Johnson!!!  We had to get a photo of Spencer with him!!!  We weren't sure we would be able to but we were determined to try.  Wahoo!!!  We did it!!  Now I can say that I know someone who has met the Mayor!!!!  Yes, I am going to live vicariously through Spencer at this point.  LOL!!!!

We all started to walk back to our cars.  What a night!!!  I had totally forgotten about how bad I felt and was on cloud nine!!!

Jim and I arrive back home.  I couldn't wait to get the photos up on Facebook for Spencer!!!  In fact I even took a photo of me while at the computer to show how happy I was!!!

This was how I really felt!!  Then the shoe dropped again.  It's a good thing I only have two shoes or I would have been really bad off.  lol.  I saw the photos.  I couldn't believe my eyes!!!  I didn't look like that did I?  I felt prettier than that.  I felt skinnier than that!!!  I felt happier than that!!!  What  happened?  Why is it that I can take a photo of myself at the computer (the above photo) and feel that that is what I look like, but when someone else takes my photo, I feel like I look horendous!!!! 

Well the darkness came back.  Even through all of the joy I had felt before, the darkness won over.  I ended up crying myself to sleep.

The next day I had to take Kelly to her doctor's appointment.  I still was not feeling myself.  I had told mom and Kelly that I wanted to make this a short trip, I wanted to get home.  For a change it actually happened!!!  When I got home, there was an e-mail waiting for me from Williams.  He said that he was sorry for not being able to get in touch with me.  He had a really bad weekend, a friend was in a car accident, and Williams had some trouble getting things in order for his England trip.  Ok so now I feel like a heal but I am super excited that I heard from him.  Not to mention, when I got home and was online, he was online too.  So we got to chat online for two hours!!!  Yes, I said two hours!!!  He gave me his phone number so we can talk to each other while he's there.  That was a new experience to me.  I had never called international before.  In fact Williams had to walk me through how to even dial the number!!  LOL.  The phone number had a + in it that you had to dial.  Anyway, I talked with him on the phone for a minute, then it was time to go pick up Jim at work.

Wednesday morning, I was still feeling really good.  So I decided that I was going back to the gym!!!  I got up at 3:30am and got ready and actually WENT to the gym!!!  Oh it felt so good to be back!!!  I started out slow and only did about 12 minutes on the treadmill.  I had the speed up so it wasn't like I was just strolling, I was really walking!!!  Then I  put in about 20 minutes of strength training.  Oh that is what I miss the most.  I wasn't able to start at the weight that I left off on but I'm still up there with the pounds that I'm lifting!!!  Once again, I felt like I could rule the world!!!

Then it was time for me to go out to mom's house again for her physical therapy.  I again wanted to get home early because I wanted to talk with Williams.  Since he is in England, when it's 12:30 here it's 7pm there!!!  So we don't get to chat much unless it's before I go to the gym or sometime during lunch.  I took mom and Kelly out shopping and to Long John Silvers for lunch.  Which I am finding that eating out is totally pointless for me now!!  I got two pieces of fish and took all the breading off of one piece and ate it.  Then I was done!!!  I couldn't even think about eating anything else.  I was afraid as it was that the piece I ate was going to come back up!!  Anyway, I got them home and I was able to be home in time to chat online.

Thursday, I did absolutely nothing and it felt wonderful.  I didn't do dishes, laundry, nothing!!!  I just lounged around the house with Shadow.  I didn't even go to the gym!!!! But I was still feeling good about myself and at this point, that's all that matters.  I did however make a corned beef for Jim in the oven.  I wanted to be able to eat before we went to the support group meeting that night.  He ate wonderful smelling corned beef and I ate cottage cheese!!!  LOL.  But I didn't want to take a chance that it would get stuck or worse, I know what could be worse....it comes back up and I can't eat until my throat calms down.  So I didn't eat any and didn't have to worry.

Before the meeting, we stopped by to see Liz my sister-in-law.  We visited for awhile and had a nice time.  I am really digging this hanging out with people again!!!  I must say it is quite nice!!!  We stayed for about an hour then we were off to the meeting.  All of my favorite people were there!!  It was so good to connect with them again.  I really missed them all.  Paula brought up going out for our hike and I think we actually got a few takers to go with us!!!  When we left the meeting, I was amped once again.  Made it kind of hard to go to sleep but once I put on my CPAP.....it was all over...Zzzzzzzz

Which brings me to yesterday.  Are you tired of reading yet?!?!  Sorry, no really I am but if you had as much happiness flowing through you as I do right now.....wow I could put the energizer bunny out of business!!!!  LOL.  I once again got up and went to the gym.  Only this time, I was too excited and got there too early!!!  So I had to rock out in the parking lot until they opened.  It was only half an hour so it wasn't that bad.  I hopped on the treadmill again and went for my normal thirty minutes.  I did it with no problem  My heart rate was at a constant 150 bpm and I wasn't breathing too heavy!!!  Yeah!!!!  Then I went downstairs and  put in some more strength training!!!

When I got home, I was tired but to excited too!!!!  I ended up taking a little nap then Jim and I had to go run some errands.  We stopped for lunch and I got the shock of a lifetime!!!  I had ordered a salad and Jim and I were talking waiting for our order, when it hit me.  I was sort of bummed that I had only lost a pound this week, when I thought hey, I am only 5 pounds away from my lowest weight since surgery!!!  Then I got thinking some more and figured out that I am only 17 pounds away from having lost 100 pounds!!!!  OMG!!!!  I couldn't have been happier!!!!  I was flying in the clouds AGAIN!!!!!  When we got home, I had to e-mail everyone I know and post on Myspace and Facebook what just happened.  I was still feeling so good that I told Jim that I would mow the lawn so he wouldn't have to put stress on his knee.  I went flying through that lawn like there was no tomorrow.  It was tall too!!!  Anyway, my day ended just as high as could be.

Now I am waiting for my clothes to dry so I can go off to the gym again!!!  Oh what a wonderful feeling!!!  I think this time, I've got it!!!  I think that this time my head is under control.  By the way, I STILL have NOT eaten any rice, pasta, bread, or sugar!!!!  I think that I'm going to just keep it up even past Easter.  I have sort of lost most of the cravings and I don't want them back!!!  I want to be under 300 pounds by October.  I think I can do it, and if life keeps going the way it is, I KNOW I can do it!!!!

Another great day

Well so far this week has been pretty good.  I was able to paint the bathroom by myself, we haven't eaten out, although part of that is because we are broke, today I had a friend over to the house, and yes I let him IN the house, and finally I have just made plans to go hiking with another friend on the river tomorrow.

Everything seems to be falling into place, and it feels FANTASTIC!!!!  Each day I can feel myself feeling better and better about who and what I am.  I am no longer that lost, hidden, and fat woman, I am becoming that fun loving, get out there, confident woman that was hidden inside that fat me.  I can't even begin to tell you the joy I am feeling right now.  I am beyond cloud nine!!!  I am in.....wait for it....ZANADU!!!!!!

In fact, tonight I am making BLT's and I decided that I was going to have cottage cheese rather than the bacon.  Oh that bacon smelled soooo good though.  But I am not unhappy with the choice I made.  Did I really say that?  Did I just put my feelings before FOOD!?!?!?!?!  Who am I and where is my pod?!?!  LOL

The feelings I have right now, are feelings that I can do anything!!!  Life is mine for the taking.  In fact my very best friend is going to have a couple of babies in October, and I am GOING to make time to go and spend some time with her!!!  I am no longer going to stay cooped up in this house.  I refuse to let my house become my prison.  I am going to defeat my hoarding and have the lifestyle that I want and deserve!!!

Watch out world...I'm coming back!!!!

The painting is done....

Today I finally finished painting the bathroom!  What an acomplishment!!! The best part was that I did it all myself.  I made up my mind that I was going to do it, and I did.  I had a few snags along the way with some eating out of frustration but by the second day that had subsided.

Now that I finished the bathroom, my eyes have been opened to just how insane my reality is.  I want to have people over for Easter for a BBQ, but it took me almost a week to just paint the bathroom.  I would still like to have my friends over, but I'm not sure I can realisticly get the house cleaned to my satisfaction in time.  I am feeling so good about what I've done, I would hate to completely beat myself up by not being able to get the house clean.

This doesn't mean that I am going to abandon my dream of having people over, I just have to face what I can do within the time alloted.  No more sabatoging myself by unrealistic goals.  Little steps.  I will get there, but I want to get there happy not neurotic!!!

So for today...it's a great day!!!  I am feeling on top of the world, and want to hold on to that feeling.  It's funny, it's been the little things lately that have gotten me feeling like my old self.  So I guess the saying, don't sweat the small stuff, really has meaning to it.  I'm not going to sweat the small stuff, I worth more than that.  It feels good to say that and to actually feel that.  Who knows....maybe I will be ok after all!!!