Groundhog Day!!

Last night I went to a BBQ at a friends house for Memorial day. A few days before I had made up my mind to go back to 2 protein shakes a day and a healthy meal for the third. By doing this I am allowing my mind to take a bit of a rest to recharge and refocus. Being at home all alone is my worst enemy. Since Shadow passed I no longer have someone to look after and take care of. So I promised her that I would look after and take care of myself. Which I want you to know seems harder than trying to get blood out of a turnip!

Now what does all of that have to do with going to a BBQ? Well let me try and explain. I have recently been trying to get some clothes that look more femine and fit better than the 5X men's T-Shirts I've been wearing for the last 5 years. Yes I said 5 years!!! If you look back at any photo ever taken of me (that is if you can ever find any, I run from the camera quicker than flash lightning) I am always in shorts/jeans and a huge baggy T-Shirt. Now finding clothes to fit me like I like them to seems also next to impossible. I am 6 feet tall with a long torso and long legs. I do have a belly skirt that is the dark spot of my existence. So since I don't like my belly skirt to show I prefer longer shirts than what most stores consider long. Even in the tall section or the tunic section the shirts are usually 30 inches long. Well ladies and gentleman, 30 inches hits me right in the middle of my belly skirt. There is no covering up that baby with that length. I gathered my wits and told myself, you can do it. As long as you look nice and you are confident, you can do it. So I bought the clothing. Let me tell you now....I must not have my wits about me....because I am still very very very self conscious about it. But I keep trying. Hence coming back to the BBQ. I had bought a mauve (and no it's not PINK, blech) tank top that had a hanky hem to it so the corners are a bit longer than the main length. I also bought some new stretch denim shorts to go with it. Since I have more fit legs I buy the shorts to fit my legs and be a bit tighter on my tummy since it's usually covered anyway.

So here is how I went to the BBQ. And no you can not have a larger photo to look at. *Cringing* Ok so first glance and head on, I don't look so bad right? Even with the camera adding 10 pounds....Well if any of you really know me, you know that I am soooo unhappy with how I look. It doesn't matter if you tell me I look amazing, my head is going to say "What!! you need brain surgery!!" But my friends are more important than being a bit uncomfortable....especially because I know they love me and could care less....that and we were all going to be heavily drinking...lol.

As I knew I would, I had a fantastic time! We laughed all night and it was as soon as I walked in the door my insecurities were greatly diminished. As usual, I am the photographer of the evening. It's actually a smart tactic for me. If I have the camera....then there are no photos of me. Except darn Kevin has decided to start taking photos at our gatherings!!! LOL. I took some silly photos and some really great group shots. Well I relinquished the rights to the camera while the guys were taking photos of us ladies all huddled together. I saw the photos from on the camera, but doesn't everyone look fairly good when you are on a 2 inch screen? It wasn't until this morning downloading the photos and sending them to everyone that....ugh.....yeah I saw myself. I was smiling and happy....but the after affects are always the worst aren't they? All I could see was this fleshy mound of mauve!! E-Gads....Barney washed out and fat! But I sent the photos anyway, knowing that they would be posted on everyone's Facebook page with all of us tagged in them.

Left to right: In back, Valora, Lori, me, Cara, Lindsay, and in front Holly.

So again here is the photo I saw, well one of many of them but this is one I know they won't kill me for posting on here...lol. I was crushed. Even though I had a fantastic time the only thing that I could think of was just how heavy I am. I don't feel like I am this big! I really and honestly don't. It's times like this when the depression takes over because I have let myself go like this. And even after having Lap Band surgery, I still did not possess the will, desire, drive, want, whatever you want to call it to succeed. I thought by having this BLOG it would help and it has, it's a place for me to come and reassure myself, and hopefully help others. But I haven't even been able to maintain a daily thought here either.

So once again, I start or should say try again. My friends found out that next year I will be 40, and were already pondering what we can do to celebrate it! Now turning 40 has no effect on me at all! But another year at 349 pounds does!!! So I thought ok, I have a year and a half from this point on till November 20, 2012 to lose 195 pounds. That will put me at my goal weight of 165 pounds. That roughly works out to 2 pounds a week to lose! Doable right??? Well I'm going to say yes! Although a very good friend of mine has just made me look at how I am seeing things. That if I try for 2 pounds a week, there are going to be weeks when I plateau and I can not afford to let myself get down on myself. Which is what would have happened and my Groundhog Day would have begun again. So I am going to push myself for a pound a week and to look at my progress as a monthly thing rather than a weekly thing. And I know that I have the power within me to push for more, as long as I don't listen to myself. Yes that dreaded negative self talk. I am one who wants instant results, but when it comes to weight who doesn't right? I need to stay focused on that force within me that drives me to do more, be more, want more from myself to reach that goal.

It's not going to be easy and I'm going to fight kicking and screaming to overcome some pretty hefty goals, thoughts, and obstacles. But somewhere in me is still that woman who can stand up to any man and hold her own. That is proud, confident, and loves herself. It's just going to take some very hard work, but I'm worth it aren't I? No matter how much I may fight thinking I am....I know that my baby Shadow thought I was, and I know that family and friends think I am. It's about time that I think I am!!!

Making choices

This morning I was not feeling like cooking anything for breakfast.  Cottage cheese didn't sound good to me at all, so the only thing left for me to eat was either a protein shake or the hard boiled eggs I bought yesterday.  How cool is that, WalMart in their deli section had a bag of hard boiled eggs, 6 total, for $1.98!!  Woo hoo.  Anyway, back on track.  I normally only eat 4 large eggs for egg salad but these were small.  Now hold on a minute, just because I said 4 eggs doesn't mean that I eat the yolks of all of them.  I eat one whole egg and 3 egg whites.  The mayo is what kills me in the end.  This morning I didn't even feel like dealing with getting rid of the yolks.  So I cut up all six eggs and added *lowering my head* 3 Tablespoons of mayo.  Not low fat or fat free mayo, the real stuff.  I took one taste and it had no flavor, so I heated it up in the microwave for 15 seconds on medium heat to see if I could bring out the egg flavor.  Nope, no luck there.  Where is that sweet pickle relish?....found it!  In goes about 3 Tablespoons of that.  Much better.  I had added too much mayo since I heated the eggs.  Normally I use fresh boiled and only need about a tablespoon of mayo since the heat makes it mix better.  I tried to push aside all of the extra mayo and eat breakfast.  I had no problem with it going down since it was really slick with all the mayo.  Can you tell that I am a little obsessed with the amout of mayo I used?!?!  LOL.

Okay, breakfast was prepared and eaten by 6:30am.  No more eating until at LEAST 11am.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!  What was I thinking?  Honestly, I couldn't tell you.  I had found a slice of frozen key lime pie in the freezer when I was putting food away yesterday.  I thought that it wouldn't be a problem, since it had been in there for awhile anyway.  Nooooo!!!!!!  It sat out there in the freezer and kept calling my name!!  Tristine.......Tristine......Hey You........You know you want me........I'm so yummy.........What's a little piece of pie going to hurt?...........You can work it off later........  *Lowering my head even further..* I caved to the pressure.  It was too much.  I hate peer pressure from myself.  Bad self, bad self.  But oh it tasted sooooo good.  But then it was gone and what do I have to show for it?  350 EXTRA CALORIES!!!!!  Wholly cow that's a meal!!!!  Bread and water for lunch for me...oh wait, I can't eat bread.....just water it is.  Sigh.  The worst part about this is that I ate the pie at 8:30am!!! 

I wasn't hungry, I wasn't really bored (had a ton of laundry to do), and I wasn't feeling overly emotional (at least I didn't think I was).  So why did I eat it.  That seems to be the question of my life.  I have no reason to feel deprived, I haven't been keeping goodies out of my life (even though I'm supposed to).  I can whip up anything any time I want.  I didn't have to go to Brown Bag with my mom and sister today.  I'm feeling a little better with my cold, even though the coughs still feel like I'm going to lose a lung.  I don't really have anyone that has expectations of me that I have to fulfill other than my surgeon, and eating the pie would NOT make him happy.  So what is wrong with me?!?!!

The positive aspect of this whole situation is that I didn't eat again until noon!!  I drank a bottle of water and just didn't think about eating.  For lunch I had 5 slices of canadian bacon, and a Campbell's Soup at Hand Veggie with noodles.  Lunch totaled a whole 175 calories!!!  But with the 694 for breakfast, the 350 for pie, and then 175 for lunch, that puts me 200 calories over my daily intake!!!  I still have to eat dinner tonight!!!  I have decided to make some fish for dinner to cut down on the calories.  I don't want to get into that mind set of well I blew that meal.....let's just forget the whole day.  I can't do that!!!

So now it's back to laundry and drinking more water.  Maybe if I concentrate on drinking my 4 bottles of water, I won't think about food so much.  One can hope right.  Well there were some hard choices that I have to deal with today.  I can't get down on myself or that will defeat the whole process.  I can't linger on the situation because that will lead to more eating.  AARRRRGGG!!!

Ohmmmm, ohmmmmmm, ohmmmmm, if only this really worked for me.  Well another day, another choice, another step down my journey.  No one said my path was going to be paved.

A day of cooking and cleaning

This book is my new best friend!!! This is what I have been cooking out of. Most of the recipes I can eat, but there are some that I have to tweak so I can eat them. But I have nothing but success with all of the recipes in here. This is volume #2. Volume #1 is fantastic also!!!!

After being bed bound with some type of bug, I am finally up and on my feet again. Since I've been sick, we haven't been eating really good. So today I am making it a day of cooking, freezing, and cleaning. I have two recipes right off the bat that I want to make. One is "Cajun Style Chicken Leg Quarters" and the other is "Broccoli Rice Casserole".

By 10:30am I had the chicken all done and starting to freeze in the freezer! Wahoo!!!

Here's the recipe for that. Not to mention....it's low calorie and good for you too!!! Such a bonus deal!!!

Cajun Stule Chicken Leg Quarters

4 chicken leg quarters

14.5 ounce can diced tomatoes, undrained

1/2 cup vegetable oil

1/4 cup onion, finely chopped

1/4 cup green bell pepper, finely chopped (I left this out since the hubby doesn't like it)

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 teaspoon brown sugar

1/2 teaspoon hot pepper sauce (I used a full teaspoon...I like things with a bite)

1/2 teaspoon dried basil

1/2 teaspoon dried oregano

1 bay leaf, crumbled

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper

1/2 teaspoon black pepper

Cooking day

Combine all ingredients except chicken. Place chicken quarters in a freezer bag and pour marinade over chicken. Freeze

Serving day

Thaw completely. Brush chicken with marinade and grill over medium heat, until chicken is tender and cooked through.

(per serving): 184 calories, 15g total fat, 31mg cholesterol, 143mg sodium, 4g total carbs, 1g dietary fiber. 8g protein.

This is the finished product ready to go into the freezer. The way I freeze mine is to line a dish with non-stick foil. Put everything in it and stick it in the freezer. When it is frozen (depends on what it is weather it's hours or a day) then I take it out of the dish and vacuum seal it in my FoodSaver machine. That way there is no air to make ice crystals or freezer burn.

Now it's time to make the Broccoli Casserole. Here is the recipe for that one:

Broccoli Rice Casserole

4 cups fresh broccoli florets
1/2 cup butter, melted
1/4 cup onion, chopped
10 ounce can cream of mushroom soup
8 ounces Velveeta cheese, cubed
1 cup cooked rice

Cooking day
In a large, covered saucepan, cook broccoli in a small amount of boiling water for 6-8 minutes, until crisp tender. Drain well. In a large skillet, saute onion in melted butter over medium heat for 2-3 minutes. Add soup, then cheese, stirring until cheese is melted and well blended. Add broccoli and rice to soup mixture. Place in a lined 9 x 13 baking dish and freeze.

Serving day
Unwrap, return to original baking dish, and thaw completely. Bake uncovered at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes or until heated through.

Ok so this one is not so figure friendly but the hubby will like it and I can get some veggies in just a little scoop. I used minute rice instead of regular rice because it tends no to get as sticky and clumpy. Since this dish is fairly high in calories, I froze it in smaller batches. The picture above is for tonight's dinner. The rest I froze in a bread loaf size pan.

Well now that I have a couple of dishes under my belt, it's time to wash the dishes so I can fix dinner. Some days I wish for a dishwasher. I've heard if you have kids it's cheaper, lol. But for now, it's me and the sink. *sigh*

I hope you enjoyed today's dishes. Off to another day.....

Four cheese Italian Minestrone

I see my surgeon's assistant tomorrow to see how my last fill has been doing. I'm a little anxious about it, as I have been stressing over other things and still eating chocolate. *Sigh* My portion sizes however, have been considerately smaller and I have been eating better, other than the chocolate.

So with that in mind, I decided that I need to get back to making a meal plan for every week, and fixing meals that can be easily fixed or heated for those days when I am gone all day. Today was one of those "cooking" days. I was going to make some other soup but realized that I didn't have enough corn. Then I was going to make some Cajun chicken, and I didn't have enough diced tomatoes. What is this?!?!?! Is the world against me?!?!? Ha ha!!! I shall over come!!!

Ok, so I decided to make some Minestrone instead. A while ago I had found this awesome cookbook called "Don't Panic, Dinner is in the Freezer". It has some fantastic recipes in it and I can tweak them to fit my dietary needs. Since Fall is here and Winter is on the way, I thought that some soups in the freezer would be wonderful. So before I rattle on any further, here is the recipe and how I tweaked it for us.

Four cheese Italian Minestrone

1/4 cup olive oil
1 cup onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
4 sprigs flat leaf parsley, chopped ( I used dried parsley)
2 stalks celery, finely chopped (I used celery seed @ 1/4 teaspoon)
3 carrots, sliced (I used baby carrots sliced)
8 oz fresh mushrooms, sliced
5 cups canned tomatoes (diced or pureed) (I used 2 cans of diced tomatoes and some fresh tomatoes pureed to make up the 5 cups)
2 cups beef broth
1 teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon basil
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
15 oz can green beans, undrained
15 oz can cannelloni or great northern beans, undrained (I didn't use these, I don't like beans)
1/2 pound sweet Italian turkey sausage, cooked, crumbled, and drained, {optional} (I used a 1 pound chub of ground turkey and added some Italian seasoning to it when I cooked it)

Serving day ~
I cup small tube or elbow pasta

Cooking day ~
In a stockpot, heat olive oil on medium heat and saute onions, garlic, parsley, celery, carrots, and mushrooms until crisp tender. Place tomatoes in a blender and blend until fairly smooth. Add tomato puree, beef broth, oregano, basil, salt, pepper, green beans, cannelloni/northern beans, and seasonings according to personal taste. Add Italian cheese and stir until just melted. Cool completely. Freeze.

Serving day ~
Thaw soup to a slushy consistency. Reheat, simmering, for 20-30 minutes. Meanwhile, cook pasta in water according to package directions. Drain and add to simmering soup. Ladle into bowls and top with additional Italian cheese as desired.

I browned the turkey until it was no longer pink. I didn't want it to dry out and get tough. I added the dried Italian seasoning to the start of cooking the turkey, so the flavor permeated all of the meat.

You can see that I used the baby carrots instead of regular carrots. This way they cook more evenly and they are smaller bites so it is easier for me to chew. I also cut my mushrooms really thick. This way the mushrooms retain their shape and you get a good bite and not some shrivled up little piece.

And the finished product in a tuperware getting ready to be frozen. The way that I freeze soups and things are by freezing them in a tuperware that will fit into my soup pot. Once they are frozen enough to be taken out of the tupperware, I then seal it in one of my FoodSaver bags and take out all of the air so it lasts longer. When it's time to eat it, I can cut open the FoodSaver bag, put the soup in the pot, let it defrost, then simmer to hot. Yumm!!!!

I hope you give this a try and let me know if you like it and how you may have changed the recipe. Photos of your handywork is great too!!!

Enjoy!!!

Mmmmmm, grilled chicken!!!

I have been on a grilling quest for a few days now. It all started when the hubby says...."you know what sounds good....fajitas". Well the marinade I use has to sit overnight at least. So while that was soaking up the goodness the other day, I marinaded some chicken thighs (bone in with skin for the hubby) and boneless, skinless breasts for me. I also happen to make enough chicken breasts that there is enough for a sandwich for hubby and some salads for me!! I would love to show you some photos of the chicken....but it disappeared too quickly for me to do that, so here is the marinade recipe.

Marinade for chicken

2 cups water
4 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons pepper
1 garlic clove (of course I used two!!)
2 Tablespoons pineapple juice
1 teaspoon lime juice
Chicken (I used three thighs and six 5 ounce breasts)

In a blender, combine the water, salt, pepper, garlic. Blend on high for 15 seconds. Add pineapple juice and lime juice and blend for another 5 seconds. Marinade chicken on one side for 45 min. turn over and marinade for 30 min. more. Cook however you like.

I grilled mine on the BBQ (make sure you spray the grill with cooking spray first, there is sugar in the pineapple juice and you don't want them to stick. Or you could broil, bake, or even pan fry. However if you pan fry, you loose a little bit of the flavor, I think.

I hope you enjoy this as much as Jim and I did. In fact he's having it for a sandwich today at lunch. Mmmmm. If you make this and have any photos, go ahead and share. I would love to see them.