Groundhog Day!!

Last night I went to a BBQ at a friends house for Memorial day. A few days before I had made up my mind to go back to 2 protein shakes a day and a healthy meal for the third. By doing this I am allowing my mind to take a bit of a rest to recharge and refocus. Being at home all alone is my worst enemy. Since Shadow passed I no longer have someone to look after and take care of. So I promised her that I would look after and take care of myself. Which I want you to know seems harder than trying to get blood out of a turnip!

Now what does all of that have to do with going to a BBQ? Well let me try and explain. I have recently been trying to get some clothes that look more femine and fit better than the 5X men's T-Shirts I've been wearing for the last 5 years. Yes I said 5 years!!! If you look back at any photo ever taken of me (that is if you can ever find any, I run from the camera quicker than flash lightning) I am always in shorts/jeans and a huge baggy T-Shirt. Now finding clothes to fit me like I like them to seems also next to impossible. I am 6 feet tall with a long torso and long legs. I do have a belly skirt that is the dark spot of my existence. So since I don't like my belly skirt to show I prefer longer shirts than what most stores consider long. Even in the tall section or the tunic section the shirts are usually 30 inches long. Well ladies and gentleman, 30 inches hits me right in the middle of my belly skirt. There is no covering up that baby with that length. I gathered my wits and told myself, you can do it. As long as you look nice and you are confident, you can do it. So I bought the clothing. Let me tell you now....I must not have my wits about me....because I am still very very very self conscious about it. But I keep trying. Hence coming back to the BBQ. I had bought a mauve (and no it's not PINK, blech) tank top that had a hanky hem to it so the corners are a bit longer than the main length. I also bought some new stretch denim shorts to go with it. Since I have more fit legs I buy the shorts to fit my legs and be a bit tighter on my tummy since it's usually covered anyway.

So here is how I went to the BBQ. And no you can not have a larger photo to look at. *Cringing* Ok so first glance and head on, I don't look so bad right? Even with the camera adding 10 pounds....Well if any of you really know me, you know that I am soooo unhappy with how I look. It doesn't matter if you tell me I look amazing, my head is going to say "What!! you need brain surgery!!" But my friends are more important than being a bit uncomfortable....especially because I know they love me and could care less....that and we were all going to be heavily drinking...lol.

As I knew I would, I had a fantastic time! We laughed all night and it was as soon as I walked in the door my insecurities were greatly diminished. As usual, I am the photographer of the evening. It's actually a smart tactic for me. If I have the camera....then there are no photos of me. Except darn Kevin has decided to start taking photos at our gatherings!!! LOL. I took some silly photos and some really great group shots. Well I relinquished the rights to the camera while the guys were taking photos of us ladies all huddled together. I saw the photos from on the camera, but doesn't everyone look fairly good when you are on a 2 inch screen? It wasn't until this morning downloading the photos and sending them to everyone that....ugh.....yeah I saw myself. I was smiling and happy....but the after affects are always the worst aren't they? All I could see was this fleshy mound of mauve!! E-Gads....Barney washed out and fat! But I sent the photos anyway, knowing that they would be posted on everyone's Facebook page with all of us tagged in them.

Left to right: In back, Valora, Lori, me, Cara, Lindsay, and in front Holly.

So again here is the photo I saw, well one of many of them but this is one I know they won't kill me for posting on here...lol. I was crushed. Even though I had a fantastic time the only thing that I could think of was just how heavy I am. I don't feel like I am this big! I really and honestly don't. It's times like this when the depression takes over because I have let myself go like this. And even after having Lap Band surgery, I still did not possess the will, desire, drive, want, whatever you want to call it to succeed. I thought by having this BLOG it would help and it has, it's a place for me to come and reassure myself, and hopefully help others. But I haven't even been able to maintain a daily thought here either.

So once again, I start or should say try again. My friends found out that next year I will be 40, and were already pondering what we can do to celebrate it! Now turning 40 has no effect on me at all! But another year at 349 pounds does!!! So I thought ok, I have a year and a half from this point on till November 20, 2012 to lose 195 pounds. That will put me at my goal weight of 165 pounds. That roughly works out to 2 pounds a week to lose! Doable right??? Well I'm going to say yes! Although a very good friend of mine has just made me look at how I am seeing things. That if I try for 2 pounds a week, there are going to be weeks when I plateau and I can not afford to let myself get down on myself. Which is what would have happened and my Groundhog Day would have begun again. So I am going to push myself for a pound a week and to look at my progress as a monthly thing rather than a weekly thing. And I know that I have the power within me to push for more, as long as I don't listen to myself. Yes that dreaded negative self talk. I am one who wants instant results, but when it comes to weight who doesn't right? I need to stay focused on that force within me that drives me to do more, be more, want more from myself to reach that goal.

It's not going to be easy and I'm going to fight kicking and screaming to overcome some pretty hefty goals, thoughts, and obstacles. But somewhere in me is still that woman who can stand up to any man and hold her own. That is proud, confident, and loves herself. It's just going to take some very hard work, but I'm worth it aren't I? No matter how much I may fight thinking I am....I know that my baby Shadow thought I was, and I know that family and friends think I am. It's about time that I think I am!!!

Making choices

This morning I was not feeling like cooking anything for breakfast.  Cottage cheese didn't sound good to me at all, so the only thing left for me to eat was either a protein shake or the hard boiled eggs I bought yesterday.  How cool is that, WalMart in their deli section had a bag of hard boiled eggs, 6 total, for $1.98!!  Woo hoo.  Anyway, back on track.  I normally only eat 4 large eggs for egg salad but these were small.  Now hold on a minute, just because I said 4 eggs doesn't mean that I eat the yolks of all of them.  I eat one whole egg and 3 egg whites.  The mayo is what kills me in the end.  This morning I didn't even feel like dealing with getting rid of the yolks.  So I cut up all six eggs and added *lowering my head* 3 Tablespoons of mayo.  Not low fat or fat free mayo, the real stuff.  I took one taste and it had no flavor, so I heated it up in the microwave for 15 seconds on medium heat to see if I could bring out the egg flavor.  Nope, no luck there.  Where is that sweet pickle relish?....found it!  In goes about 3 Tablespoons of that.  Much better.  I had added too much mayo since I heated the eggs.  Normally I use fresh boiled and only need about a tablespoon of mayo since the heat makes it mix better.  I tried to push aside all of the extra mayo and eat breakfast.  I had no problem with it going down since it was really slick with all the mayo.  Can you tell that I am a little obsessed with the amout of mayo I used?!?!  LOL.

Okay, breakfast was prepared and eaten by 6:30am.  No more eating until at LEAST 11am.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!  What was I thinking?  Honestly, I couldn't tell you.  I had found a slice of frozen key lime pie in the freezer when I was putting food away yesterday.  I thought that it wouldn't be a problem, since it had been in there for awhile anyway.  Nooooo!!!!!!  It sat out there in the freezer and kept calling my name!!  Tristine.......Tristine......Hey You........You know you want me........I'm so yummy.........What's a little piece of pie going to hurt?...........You can work it off later........  *Lowering my head even further..* I caved to the pressure.  It was too much.  I hate peer pressure from myself.  Bad self, bad self.  But oh it tasted sooooo good.  But then it was gone and what do I have to show for it?  350 EXTRA CALORIES!!!!!  Wholly cow that's a meal!!!!  Bread and water for lunch for me...oh wait, I can't eat bread.....just water it is.  Sigh.  The worst part about this is that I ate the pie at 8:30am!!! 

I wasn't hungry, I wasn't really bored (had a ton of laundry to do), and I wasn't feeling overly emotional (at least I didn't think I was).  So why did I eat it.  That seems to be the question of my life.  I have no reason to feel deprived, I haven't been keeping goodies out of my life (even though I'm supposed to).  I can whip up anything any time I want.  I didn't have to go to Brown Bag with my mom and sister today.  I'm feeling a little better with my cold, even though the coughs still feel like I'm going to lose a lung.  I don't really have anyone that has expectations of me that I have to fulfill other than my surgeon, and eating the pie would NOT make him happy.  So what is wrong with me?!?!!

The positive aspect of this whole situation is that I didn't eat again until noon!!  I drank a bottle of water and just didn't think about eating.  For lunch I had 5 slices of canadian bacon, and a Campbell's Soup at Hand Veggie with noodles.  Lunch totaled a whole 175 calories!!!  But with the 694 for breakfast, the 350 for pie, and then 175 for lunch, that puts me 200 calories over my daily intake!!!  I still have to eat dinner tonight!!!  I have decided to make some fish for dinner to cut down on the calories.  I don't want to get into that mind set of well I blew that meal.....let's just forget the whole day.  I can't do that!!!

So now it's back to laundry and drinking more water.  Maybe if I concentrate on drinking my 4 bottles of water, I won't think about food so much.  One can hope right.  Well there were some hard choices that I have to deal with today.  I can't get down on myself or that will defeat the whole process.  I can't linger on the situation because that will lead to more eating.  AARRRRGGG!!!

Ohmmmm, ohmmmmmm, ohmmmmm, if only this really worked for me.  Well another day, another choice, another step down my journey.  No one said my path was going to be paved.