Day by day

Today is yet another day. I spent yesterday reminiscing about time with Shadow and all the fun and love we shared. Turned the phones, answering machine off and set my cell phone to vibrate. No distractions. If I am to deeply grieve for only a day it needs to be deeply felt and taken seriously. There were times of great sadness and great happy memories. I kept my promise to Shadow and enrolled in college for fall. I am on two waiting lists but at least I took the step forward. I decided not to enroll for summer school at college to give myself some time to get my act together. This means getting back on track with my eating, exercising, emotional state, getting control on cleaning the house, and becoming happy again. Long story short.....getting back to me and taking care of ME! Something that I am very foreign with.

So today I had some emotional outbursts over missing her but was able to push them aside and think of the promise I made to her. I won't wallow in grief, she wouldn't want that. So once again I tried to eat something. Since I didn't feel like cooking, I took the easy way out and ate some cereal. WRONG IDEA!!!! I know better than this! Thankfully, I only ate a small bit about 1/4 of a cup and put it aside. An hour and a half later, decided on some chicken salad. That I am happy to say stayed down.

Part of my process of moving on was to continue with my blog. I was re-inspired after tuning into the movie Julie and Julia. As many of you know both are close to my heart....writing and cooking!!! Ha ha!! I have to admit to all of you that things are sort of shaky with the structure of the BLOG as of yet, but hoping soon to get it back to the fun, quirky, informative, and sometimes bizarre creature that it is. Oh wait....that was my mind I was talking about. :o)

So please bear with me and I hope continue to follow me through a very interesting journey of discovery, change, and just life transforming. I hope you enjoy this and will come back often.

Keeping promises to my baby

RIP Shadow 1/1/1999 - 5/14/2011

Everyone, this is my baby Shadow. Isn't she a sweetheart! She has been my love and my life for the last 12 years now. We were inseparable. Where there was one you would find the other. I even made my hubby's life hell with no vacations for 12 years because I couldn't stand to leave her. The only time that I EVER left her was for my lap band surgery in October of 2008. And that was for two and a half days! I think I was more sick over it than her. She was such a good girl. She could be a pill but I never minded. She would look up at me and I would melt. Yep she had me wrapped around her little toe.

You may be wondering why I am talking in the past tense. Well, it's because my baby is now gone. Hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Back in late August of 2010, she was having trouble going potty. Poor thing would squat for what felt like hours sometimes trying to go potty. We took her into the vet to see what was wrong (which she hadn't seen a vet for most of her life). Turns out she had a bladder infection that was really really bad. It was ECOLI of all things. But the vet said it was common just not so high. He gave us some medicine and we took her home.

About a week later she started having trouble with her back legs. It was hard for her to walk. Her back legs were wobbly and she was losing control over them. I took her to the vets office to see what was wrong. They ran some tests, took some x-rays and came up with that she had some swelling in her spine and the nerves were getting pinched. I was given some steroids (Prednazone) for her and she was back to normal in what seemed like hours!!! But a few days later she didn't want to eat. This for Shadow was very strange. My baby was always ready to eat! Back to the vet again. Turns out she was diabetic and her sugars were 527!!! The vet prescribed some animal insulin and we went home. We went through all of this trying to get her sugars down for about a month on the animal insulin. She got cataracts shortly after that and went completely blind. But that didn't seem to stop her. She stumbled her way through the house until she got the hang of it. She then got really bad and really didn't want to eat or drink at all. Back to the vet. The vet looked at us and said if she doesn't get better in a couple of days, I think I would put her down. Broke my heart!!! I sobbed uncontrollably. I held my baby tight and promised that I would fight for her life is she was willing to do the same. That night I went home and cooked her meals. I ground up chicken, vegetables, rice, you name it. If it was healthy and good for a diabetic (me being one as well) then I made it for her. She had gone from 50 pounds down to 32 pounds when we took her into the vet. I searched the web for better foods for her and combinations so she wouldn't get tired of the same old thing. She started eating again and eating good! We took her back to the vet and he was amazed! Since the animal insulin wasn't working the vet decided that it was time to try human insulin. We did human insulin for a couple of months until finally she got her sugars down to 70!!! The vet pulled us aside and asked what are you doing with her? Told him nothing just doing what we have always done. He said I'm amazed, keep it up her sugars had gone from 248 to 70! My baby was doing good!!!

About a month and a half ago, she got another bladder infection. Or it could have been that we never really got rid of the first one. Either way, I wanted her to go back in. We again got the medicine for the ECOLI infection. About a week after that, she got a sore on her gum right where her lower canine is. Me being the ever so worrisome mother....back to the vet. They did blood work and all sorts of things. Silly me, I thought that they were doing the biopsy on the mass on her gum. No turns out the blood work was for it but since the biopsy was another $523 and we didn't say ok (not that we were even asked...we were there for that) We went home $300 later that day waiting for the results of everything. About 3-4 days later, I call about the results of the biopsy. That's when they told us, they never did one that it would cost extra. But the blood work for it was still good for the rest of the month so we wouldn't have to do that again. I was miffed to say the least. By this time, we are rapidly approaching no money. I keep an eye on her mouth to make sure it doesn't get worse.  A couple of weeks after that, she starts loosing control of her back legs again. I take her back into the vet but our normal vet is not there. I see someone different again! The vet runs xrays, tests and keeps her all day with an iv and pain medicine. Again I am away from my baby and it is killing me! The vet calls and says that it's neurological. Well doesn't that mean the brain? I was beside myself. I told her that it had happened before and the vet gave us steroids and she was fine. Well after all was said and done I ended up with the steroids, pain medicine, and a $800 vet bill. But the medicine wasn't working like it did the time before. She kept getting weaker and weaker until Mother's Day (of all days) she has a horrible seizure in the morning. Both Jim and I thought we had lost her. I have never seen anything like what she went through. All I could do was to hold her and tell her its ok...mommy's here. She came out of it and I called the vets office. Damn vet...never told me that a side effect of the pain medicine was seizures. I took her off of them and the vet said if she needs pain medicine they would search for something else. That day she was ok. Spent the day here at home with mom and sister over for a BBQ (the idea was for a stress-free day, never was). But she was feeling better and mom and sister got to spend some time with her (didn't know it would be the last time). 

A couple of days later, I call the vet and ask for some different pain medicine, her legs were getting weaker. It was hard for her to squat and get up and down the steps on the porch, and to the bed (one of her favorite places). That evening Jim and I went to go pick up the new medicine. Right when we got home, I instantly researched it to see what all the side effects and such were with it. When I felt halfway comfortable with giving it to her, she got it that night. But the pain medicine was doing no good and wasn't helping. My baby never complained not once. But I could see that she was getting worse by the day. Thursday the 12th I called Jim and work just crying my eyes out, telling him that I needed the car Saturday that I need to talk to the vet. OUR vet about Shadow. I could see her starting to suffer and I couldn't let it happen. I told Jim that if she's not better on Saturday and the vet says nothing more can be done then I'm going to have to put her down. I can't ever let her suffer. Those next few days were hell on earth!!!! I could see her getting worse by the day but never did she complain. She was by my side every minute of the day no matter what I was doing. It killed me that rather than laying on the couch while I was in the kitchen, she wanted me to bring her bed in the kitchen so she could be with me. I knew she knew the time was getting close. I tried so hard to keep my tears and pain from her. I never wanted her to see me sad or in pain. Ever since I got her she KNEW that her job was to protect mommy. I had to make sure that she knew I was ok. On Friday, I had left her sleeping on the bed and went to take a shower. I left the door open a crack so she could hear where I was. When I opened the shower curtain when I was done, she was standing there beside the tub just waiting for me. She had dragged herself off the bed and stood waiting for me to finish my shower for who knows how long. That's just how strong my baby was. Saturday came and I knew it was time. No matter how much it made me sick, both physically and mentally, I couldn't let her suffer any more. She was so tired. So Saturday I had a special day planned for her and I.

This is what we did: (I wrote this as a note on Facebook and I'm reposting so I don't have to write it all over again, this BLOG is hurting enough now)

Saturday we woke up and got ready to take Jim to work. She was so excited to go for a ride! Her favorite thing!! I gave her the front seat (actually she would allow me to sit there every once and awhile but that seat was hers!) while I sat behind her with my arms wrapped around the front seat petting and keeping her warm. We dropped Jim off and came home to snuggle under the covers for awhile. She snuggled up close to me and started to snore. :o) It was time to head to the vets to talk to him about her. Again she was ready to go and was jolly on the spot at the front door. We headed out as I could see the huge smile on her face as she sniffed at the wind. I asked her to wait for mommy in the car, that I would be right back. I went into the vets stand in line to see the dr., turn around and Shadow had crawled from the passengers side to the drivers side waiting for me. A huge smile came over my face knowing how hard that was for her but she didn't mind....she was out for a ride with her mommy. I talked to the vet and agreed that nothing more could be done. I cried all the way back to the car but didn't want her to see me like that. Not my strong little girl. She didn't need to see her mommy grieve. I let her out to walk around and go potty, oh all the smells at the vets. She could walk around and sniff for hours if you would let her. I got back to the car and helped her back into her seat again, and we headed off. I had brought her insulin and medicine with us and we were off to the park. I could see the smile on her face as we walked through the park. Didn't matter that she was blind and had trouble walking, she was happy. We found a sunny place to sit for just a minute so I could give her the insulin. She wanted nothing to do with the hot dogs that had the medicine, she wanted to walk and sniff some more. So I put them away and we went on. I saw she was getting very tired (and only after about 10 minutes) so I said to her come on baby lets go home. She reluctantly came back to the car but I could tell she was exhausted. I picked her up and we headed home again. Once home we crawled up on the bed....we couldn't forget those hot dogs!!! I gave her the hot dogs and she laid down and wanted me to lay next to her. She kept looking up at me like why are you sitting there....come lay down mommy. We took a little nap and it was time to get ready to go see Jim for lunch. I had made a tri tip the night before and was cutting it up for Jim and Shadow to share. She came into the kitchen and laid on her bed right at my feet waiting for me. And you know that a few slices just happened to get picked off the board and given to her. We got back in the car and again she was ready to go. I stopped off at Del Taco for something for me (even though I knew I couldn't and wouldn't eat with them). Shadow barked at the homeless shuffling by. She didn't care that she couldn't see them....she knew they were there!!! And it was her job to scare them away!! We got to Jim's work and she was so excited. She told Jim that he had to take her out to go potty before they could eat. She could be a bit pushy that way. :o) They came back to eat what she KNEW was her tri tip!!! She sat there just waiting for every bite so patiently. She is such a good girl. We told Jim good bye and it was time to go home and rest. She was getting very tired and so was I. I had kept it together for many days now but as I saw the clock it was getting harder and harder to keep it from her. We got home and her poor legs were so tired that I had to help her up after she had sat to pee. Even now she would let me help her but she still wanted to do it on her own. My tough little baby. We went to the bedroom and laid down. It was hard for her to find a comfortable spot to stay laid down at. Until I offered her my pillow. Of course my princess accepted!!! She was finally comfortable and we were close. I wrapped the blanket around us and we laid there watching tv and dosing on and off. It was then time to go pick up Jim at work and then off to the vets. Even though she was so tired, still she was ready to go! We picked up Jim and I held her in my arms all the way to the vets. She loved that! Didn't have to worry about wobbling or keeping her balance. Mommy had her and she could do whatever she wanted. Still smiling and being happy. We got to the vets.....and all I'm going to say is that I held her in my arms as she peacefully went to sleep. She was calm and comfortable in my arms.

Good bye my sweet baby....go play and have fun now. Mommy will be ok, I promise.

 Going home was the hardest part. Neither Jim or I wanted to walk into the house and not see her wiggling bounding body waiting for us. I couldn't lay on the bed without knowing that she would be climbing up ready to take her half of the bed right out of the middle. Shadow and I always shared my pillow as she snuggle up to the back side of me until I started to sleep then she wanted under the covers. That night I don't think Jim and I slept at all. I kept waking up when she would normally need to go out and go potty. I would reach down to pet her and she wasn't there. I couldn't stay in the house yesterday. But going out in the car (her favorite thing...going for a ride) again made me miss her even more.

I did have some time with her yesterday morning, just her and I. I got up and I could feel her with me by my side as we walked into the kitchen to start Jim's coffee, into the bathroom as I sat to go potty, I could feel her rubbing against my legs wanting her butt scratched. To taking out the garbage while she waited for me at the front door. We sat on the couch and I promised her that mommy would be ok. She doesn't have to protect mommy anymore. I will be strong for her and not be sad for too long. She hated it when I was sad. She would do everything in her power to make me happy. She was the only one. Not even my poor hubby can do that. I felt at ease and knew that I couldn't let her down. I would go  back to school, get my weight off, and most of all be happy again. She knew I would be lost without her to take care of, and I can't have her unhappy for anything. So I will keep my promise to her and keep on with life.

This morning I knew was going to be my test. The days were our time, while Jim was at work. I tried to maintain my regular routine, get up make Jim his breakfast and lunch and get him off to work. Then I tried to stay strong. I went into the bedroom where Shadow and I would lay for another 20 minutes or more depending on her mood. I grabbed her collar and held it tight. Told her I loved her and missed her greatly. Promised again that I wouldn't just lay around today. I would keep busy and do the things that needed to be done. Life continues on even though I'm not here I could hear her say to me. So I got up went in and was getting ready to take my shower when I looked down and Jim had put the toilet seat down. I stated to ball my eyes out. NEVER did we leave the seat down. Shadow wouldn't drink from anywhere else! I lifted the seat and turned on the water. I noticed that I still left the door open for her to come in. Took my shower crying the whole time thinking that she would be standing there waiting for me to finish again. Opened the curtain and she wasn't there. Took a deep breath and started getting ready. Came out to the kitchen opened my laptop with her face on my screen so I could see her and made a sorry excuse for breakfast (1 EggBeater and a sausage). I knew I wouldn't be able to eat any more than that. I turned the screen so I could see it from the front room and spent breakfast with my baby. Talking with her but mostly just staring at her photo. I finished the egg and had to force myself to eat the sausage. The last bit of my breakfast was ALWAYS hers. No matter what it was. And she usually got the largest portion of it! Just as I picked up the sausage, the screen saver came on, almost as if she was saying eat it mommy, I'm not here and you need it. I finally was able to eat it after awhile. I got up and put some clothes on and turned off all of the phones and the answering machine. Called my mom and Jim and told them. I needed time, just some quiet for me to spend saying good bye and getting closure with Shadow. I went out and mowed the lawn, she hated when the lawn was too tall, especially if it was wet. And the lawn was too tall and was going to be very wet soon. So it had to be done. She used to come out and stand at the porch watching me until I came close to the house again and she would come run out for me to give her a kiss and some petting before I went around again. Every time, so she would get at least 10-15 kisses and pets with me mowing the lawn. And in true tough fashion....mowing over her poopies did nothing. The withstood the force of the lawnmower, which made me cry even more. Silly how simple stupid things like that mean so much after the fact. I got it all done and looking nice for her. Came back in the house and the way for me to cope with anything is for me to write. So I thought that writing this BLOG would release some emotion for me, and it has. I have a pile of tissues to prove it. But I know that she will live on in these words and thoughts of mine forever. I know she will always live on in my heart and mind but now I have shared her with you.

Once again I have promised her only a few days of sadness and my time is running out. Today is my last day to mourn no matter how I may want to for longer. The days to come are for celebrating her life and the time we spent together. So I will do my regular house duties and everything that I did with her and cry until I am dry today. For tomorrow I must be strong and keep my promise. She was strong for me, I have to do the same for her.

I love and miss you very much my sweet girl. You were and still are mommy's world. I will see you again and it will be as though we have never parted. You will always hold that special place in my heart baby. You don't have to be strong anymore little one, go and play and have fun. Mommy is ok now. Good bye but never forgotten!! <3

My ramblings

I normally like to title my blogs before I write them to stay focused on what it is I wanted to tell you all. But today, I don't think I am. I feel like rambling a bit today.

A lot of things have happened since my last blog, of what seems ages ago. There have been many ups and of course downs. I have found strength and lost it again for a time being, only to regain it again.  My motivation and purpose are all over the scales once again. The only thing I can say about that, is that no matter what happens, I keep trying again and again. I used to think about that old saying fake it till you make it. I now think that I have played into that for far to long. I have been faking happiness, faking staying on track with my eating and exercise, and worst of all, I have been faking putting me first. Ugh, just re-read that last part and it just hit me hard again. My own self worth still stinks!

In February, I joined a 12 week challenge at my gym for a complete body make over. I even paid $50 to join it. Now I can't afford the trainer, or anything special, I thought that my own competitiveness would push me through. Well I guess my own competitiveness is having a tea party with my will power! I have lost a full month! For what?!?!?! I was wasting money, my life, and any self respect that I may have. I have been told that when the going gets tough, I run. I never thought I really did....but now it's right in front of me. I run and hide. I hide behind excuses that really have no bearing on why I didn't follow through. There is always something that can get in the way, and of course I can always blow things out of proportion especially if it conflicts with something I don't want to do.

So here it is March. I have gone back to the gym once. It felt really good, but I have let my head get in the way again. I have started something new that I have always wanted to do, but it puts me WAY out of my comfort zone. Not only am I a complete beginner at what I have chosen to do but it also puts me in a possition where I am with a large group of people. And these people are thin, feminine, and well self confident. All things I know I lack. But yet again, I wanted to do it so I signed up for it. I am a perfectionist and things normally come easy for me. But this is not and it frustrates me. I do not want to hold the class back. Even though I don't think I do, I feel like I do. I feel like the ugly duckling in it's teen years. In fact I went home from my class early last night crying because I couldn't take my own disappointment. Everything I did seemed wrong. I tried to be strong and keep going but I felt so alone. I have no friends there and I have a really hard time making new friends face to face. I am very shy and feel very cumbersome. Now to let you in on the reality of it all....last night was only my 4th class! My 4th time of doing something that I have never done before, and I am having crying fits because I can't get it. To write it here, I sound so pathetic. I have always prided myself on being a strong woman, but I do believe that somewhere along the line I lost her and that. Either that or I buried her under layers and layers of fat and self loathing.

I was watching "Fried Green Tomatoes" the other day. And I can really relate to Evelyn. I too hide food, am an emotional wreck, searching for things to make me happy, and never quite hitting the mark. There is a part in the movie where she is at a class and they are going to get in touch with that thing that makes them different than anyone. They are going to look at their vagina's. This horrifies Evelyn, as I suppose it would me too. I can not even bare to look at myself in a mirror with clothes on let alone naked!!! It would be nice if everything worked out the way it does in the movies. But gotta have a reality smack once and awhile. And believe me, mine is hitting me right smack in the face.

As the story of my life goes, I am trying once again. I bought some instructional things to help me with my new  endeavor and well practice, practice, practice. I have always been horrific with myself and I really am working on letting up on myself. Once again, baby steps. I have been making baby steps for so long though. You'd think I'd learn to walk by now.

So here is to never giving up completely....

Having a talk with myself....

While working out this morning at the gym, a song came on my MP3 player that just seemed to strike a conversation within myself. Now I know who has time to think about contemplation while you are sweating like a pig and your heart is racing. Well that someone would be me. It came as sort of a surprise to me. I have listened to this song many times before, it is one of my favorites, but it meant something to me this morning. So without keeping you guessing any longer, the song is Bullets by CREED. The lyrics are below.

"Bullets"

Walking around I hear the sounds of the earth seeking relief

I'm trying to find a reason to live

But the mindless clutter my path

Oh these thorns in my side

Oh these thorns in my side

I know I have something free

I have something so alive

I think they shoot cause they want it

I think they shoot cause they want it

I think they shoot cause they want it

I feel forces all around me

Come on raise your head

Those who hide behind the shadows

Live with all that's dead

[Chorus:]

Look at me... look at me

At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head

Through my head

Through my head

Through my head

In my lifetime when I'm disgraced

By jealousy and lies

I laugh aloud 'cause my life

Has gotten inside someone else's mind

Look at me... look at me

At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head

Through my head

Through my head

Through my head

Hey all I want is what's real

Something I touch and can feel

I'll hold it close and never let it go

Said why... why do we live this life

With all this hate inside

I'll give it away 'cause I don't want it no more

Please help me find a place

Somewhere far away

Yes, I'll go and you'll never see me again 

Ok now I know you must be thinking, wow how can that song be related to my weight loss journey. Well I have to admit, my thinking can sometimes be askew to say the least. But please bear with me while I try and explain what this meant to me this morning. 

Walking around I hear the sounds of the earth seeking relief

I'm trying to find a reason to live

But the mindless clutter my path

Oh these thorns in my side

Oh these thorns in my side

I know I have something free

I have something so alive

I think they shoot cause they want it

I was walking on the treadmill this morning when this played. My mindset was that of getting myself back on track and into shape to feel better about me.  

I have been walking around lately searching for something that is missing in my life. Happiness mostly. But not just a surface happiness. A happiness that is deep within myself that flows without thinking. An inner light that can not be put out. I wear a mask of happiness so that no one can see or feel my pain. I don't ever want pity and I don't do well asking for and receiving help. I have many obstacles in my life that I have put there myself. Yes there are a few that were placed in front of me, but it has and will always be my choice to decided whether or not I take them on. I have cluttered my life with useless things that have only brought momentary happiness, but in the end have caused more pain. I know that there is life within me that is crying to be set free. I was not always like this. I was alive and happy, and yes I even liked myself and was proud of myself at one time. Somewhere I lost that, and I couldn't tell you when or were or even how. I just know that I lost it. I have tried to regain what it was that I lost, but seem to keep shooting myself in the foot. I will either sabotage my eating, exercise, focus, or whatever. I don't know why. I think that I want all of these things for myself but when I come to really look at why I do things, it's usually because I am trying to make someone else happy. So why do I push aside my happiness? So then I ask myself.....I think I shoot cause I want it?  No I don't want unhappiness....I want me again...whoever she may be at this point. Because I really don't know.

I feel forces all around me

Come on raise your head

Those who hide behind the shadows

Live with all that's dead

[Chorus:]

Look at me... look at me

At least look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head

Through my head

I can see all of the magazines that show beautiful women, smart women, successful women, and even mothers. Makes me sad to think that I long for just any of those, even though I am told daily that I am ALL of those. I don't see it. I can't look in a mirror and see anything other than a failure at life. I am almost 40 (not that age matters to me in the least), but all my friends have families, children, careers, beautiful homes, happiness with themselves and their lives. They have at least made something of themselves. I live in the shadows. I hide from everyone and everything. I hide behind my computer, because I know that people see me for what I portray. I am open and honest with everyone, I do not deceive anyone of my size or anything like that. I do deceive of my emotions. I have a tendency to feel dead inside. Like the joys of the world are not for me. That somehow, I am here to lift everyone up and for me just not to feel. I can be so loving and supportive to everyone else but not to myself. And I do it almost knowingly to myself. I am the one that holds that fork to my mouth. I am the one who sits on that couch watching tv. I am the one who hides behind the computer and doesn't get out. But I can not look at myself and see that.  I can not look at myself when I am shooting that bullet through my head!

In my lifetime when I'm disgraced

By jealousy and lies

I laugh aloud 'cause my life

Has gotten inside someone else's mind

I am disgraced at the thought that I am jealous of so many. I so long to have what they have. I secretly think about why do they have that and I don't. Why is someone giving to them and not to me? Am I not worthy? These lies I tell myself and laugh thinking that they got it for some other reason. When in fact they worked just as hard if not harder than me for the things they have. I guess I just don't work hard enough is what I tell myself. I'm just not supposed to have it. I smile and tell people how wonderful it is and how happy I am for them (which I really am) but deep inside I feel black and envious.

Hey all I want is what's real

Something I touch and can feel

I'll hold it close and never let it go

Said why... why do we live this life

With all this hate inside

I'll give it away 'cause I don't want it no more

So with every step I took on that treadmill today, and every time I played this song over and over, I asked myself why do I live this life with all this hate for me inside? I want something that I can touch and feel. I want that image that I so long to have, that everyone else sees in me. I'm going to give it all away 'cause I don't want it no more!!!! I want my happiness, I want to hold it close and I will NEVER let it go!!!

Please help me find a place

Somewhere far away

Yes, I'll go and you'll never see me again

So I looked deep inside me today, and pleaded for my inner strength to show this ugliness someplace far away for it to go. That I never want to see it in me again!! 

Now I know that just this one day, this one song is not going to save my life or change it in an instant. But it does show that I am taking steps toward the right direction to a better more confident, more happy me. I do have a few wonderful people in my life that stand by me and love me through all of my twisted thoughts. And I have a few that are pushing me to make the changes. All I can say, and ask is please don't give up on me when I do. Give me a kick then a hug and yell at me to stand back up again.

I am sorry that you have had to learn this ugly truth about me. But I can not grow if I don't look at myself when I shoot that bullet through my head.

Click (HERE) for the Song "Bullets" by CREED

Distorted image....

Now if you have ever had image issues, you will know that how I see myself is far from what I look like. But there is no way that you can tell my head that. I try but I'm like a child with ADD, I just look at something else that is shiny. Well I have been having a rough week. Hence the no posting because I couldn't explain how or why I was feeling that way. I know, me who has nothing to say. I finally found some way of letting it loose on Facebook last night. It is much easier for me to share my feelings as fiction writing rather than to let everyone know that I am hurting. Those that read it can just enjoy my writing without worrying about me. There are those that know me much better and can see the signs on the wall, but they also know that it is something that I have to work out myself. I have a hard time asking for help, unless I am really drowning, and then sometimes it can be too late.

I have an image of myself as a strong woman that can take on the world without even so much as breaking a nail. Of course I am a size 24 at the largest, and have a heart and will that can move mountains. When in fact, I am just as insecure and scared as a child. I can play the part, but is that all I can do is to play the part? I used to be so self assured and held my head up high and was closer to what I picture myself as. Where did I lose that? And why did I lose it? Well after a week of thinking and things triggering my self destructive thoughts, such as clothes catalogs, infomercials of thin people who have lost 25 pounds and are amazed, etc. I kept coming to that deep dark side in me that hates myself. This is what was posted last night on Facebook.

She has been here before. Something keeps drawing her to this very place. Her stomach churns with the thought of the image that is before her. It isn't her, it can't be her. That image that smirks and looks down upon her, how can it judge her? But it does. This image of hatred that peers so deeply into her soul. Without hesitation, she pierces the image with the knife. The mirror does not break but the image bleeds. She feels empowered, but faint at the same time. Until she sees her own wrists. The image was her, how could she not have seen it....

Now if you are to talk to my mother, you would think that I should be on suicide watch. Thankfully I am not. I am much stronger than that. Or maybe I should say that I can not bear to put those that love me through that. I may not care much about my life at times but I do care about those that I would leave. It would make me sick to know that they were suffering at the stupidity of my own hand.


However you see this, weather you see me as just an emotional prima donna or as a torchered soul, it makes no difference to me. I feel what I feel no how twisted it may be at times. And until I can break free from these ideas of myself I am afraid that I will be doomed to repeat history so to speak. Which I can see happening now. All of the weight that I had lost before and since surgery two (yes I said TWO) years ago, which was a mere 60-80 pounds give or take the month, has been creeping back on. If I don't stop this spiral of negativity I will get lost and not sure that I will be able to return from there. 


I keep trying though. 

Quotes that got me through my day

I sometimes have days that are either so emotional or stressful that I find myself retreating into myself. For me, that is the worst thing I can do. I have always taken my feelings inward and suppressed them deep down within me, so that no one will ever see me unhappy or hurt. But I have learned that this eats away at me until I am the one that suffers from it. It hurts no one but me in the long run. I still keep feelings to myself but instead of swallowing them I turn to my quotes as a way of release and inspiration.

Yesterday was no different. I found myself closing up again and hiding which is the first sign that I need release. I turned to my quotes again, and found that I was not the only one that needed them yesterday. I always love it when I can touch someone through my feelings and just being me.

I have to thank a few wonderfully special people that always make my days wonderful, and you know who you are. My life has changed tremendously since you have come into it. I am truly honored.

With that being said, here are the quotes from yesterday. I will not comment on them but leave them for you to feel how you must with them.

While we are focusing on fear, worry, or hate, it is not possible for us to be experiencing happiness, enthusiasm or love. -Bo Bennett

Even if it is to be, what end do you serve by running to distress? -Seneca (Seneca the Elder)

Dreaming is wonderful, goal setting is crucial, but action is supreme. To make something great happen you must get busy and make it happen. Take that action step today that will put you on your path to achievement. -Greg Werner

Pushing my comfort zone

Last night we were invited to a friends house to celebrate her daughters birthdays. Now that in itself is nothing that I would worry about. But the fact that there were going to be a mess of people there that I have never met does. Now if you have read my blog for any length of time or even know me personally, you know that I live in shorts and t-shirts. I have no middle ground clothing. It's either dress up or dressed down. So when I asked my friend what she is wearing, she replied casual, jeans and a sweater. Well that is not casual for me and I know that the crowd that is going to be there is not going to show up in a baggy t-shirt and jeans. Since last year was not a good year for my weight loss track, I have put on some of the weight that I had lost. So you know I don't like how ANYTHING fits!!!! While going about my day, I took a long hard look at myself in my minds eye. Now I don't wear anything that shows my stomach in any way shape or form, that's why the baggy t-shirts. But the thought of looking dumpy or worrying myself sick so I wouldn't want to go, was going to be out of the question. I decided, ok I'm fat, there is nothing that can be done about that in the next 5 hours. I am going to look nice even if I am a bit uncomfortable showing my curves. (Which to me feel like mountains). So I put on a tighter fitting blouse, nice necklace, did my make-up and hair, and walked out the door.

The only one that was even remotely concerned about what I looked like was me. I can't say that I was comfortable enough to enjoy my photo taken, but I didn't run hiding from the camera either. Thankfully no one has posted any photos on Facebook yet though. LOL. I was able to enjoy the evening with friends. And even though I was not bold enough to actually get to know anyone there (yeah I kind of stayed with the friends I knew), I am one step closer to accepting who I am and that what I look like only really matters to me. Well at least the only one that worries what I look like is me.

So I will continue with working out at the gym and pushing myself forward. Just another baby step in this long journey to the center of a fat woman. But I know I am going to love the center once I get there and hopefully before that! Thank you for following my journey and I hope I have touched you in some way.

New Year, new thoughts

First of all, Happy New Year everyone!!! I have decided that rather than doing the same old thing with resolutions that I always break, I am not going to make any. Instead I am just changing my life. I know that some things are going to come easier than others, and some things I will have to fight for. But I no longer want to be tied down to "I have to do this". Life is a conscious decision. You either make it what you want it to be or you don't. I have been putting off what I have wanted to do for so long. I want a life without regrets. I want a life without regrets and resentment!!!

Beginning AGAIN!!!!

It seems like no matter what happens in life, I tend to put myself aside. So here I am back at point A again. But at least I keep trying right?!?!?! I hope so.

So here I sit waiting for the clock to reach 3:50am so I can head out for the gym. I was surprised that 2am didn't come hard this morning. Not that I've been sleeping good anyway, but still I didn't fight it like I thought I would. Which is another good sign. Took my blood sugar this morning and wanted to cry though. 133!!!! Man!!!! I haven't had sugars that high in a LONG time!!!! So if my weight isn't an issue for me my diabetes better be! I still don't know what is going to motivate me to keep on, other than I need to do this for myself.  Once again, I need to quit hiding from life and need to start living it.

With protein shake down, heart rate monitor on, Mp3 and water bottle in hand, I head out the door. It's always hard to start again on anything, but I know that getting back to the gym, the one thing that truly makes me feel good, will make this journey a little easier! I hope....LOL.

Long day

I'm still having trouble trying to get more than 3 hours of sleep, but this morning I forced myself to get some more sleep after I woke up at 1am. I was only able to get 2 more hours but I will take what I can get.

Today was a day of preparing for the rest of, well, life. I had to go out and buy some more chicken to boil up for Shadow, since that seems to be the only thing that she is handling right now, and I'm not messing with a good thing. I am loving the fact that I can see a slight change in her appearance, it could be wishful thinking, but I think she is not so skinny now. She is still really sick and skinny but she is such a strong girl and is fighting with all she can. So I will fight right  with her!!!!

I am finding that I have to be really task orientated in making sure everything gets done. I still have all the responsibilities that I had before, but now there is no time for slacking off or letting things slide. If I have to take care of my mom and sister, it has to be done around Shadows schedule not theirs. My baby has to come first above all else!!!

So I have to get back into the routine of cooking meals ahead of time to make sure everything fits into place. It's going to be a little stressful for awhile until I get the routine down, but I can do it. I am also making sure that I am going to take care of myself above all else too! I can't take care of Shadow if I don't take care of me. I can't be heavy and run down with no energy to make time with her. And as you all know she is the light of my life!

So that is what the days hold in store for me. But I can do it!!  I have to do it!!! There is no other choice for me!

A new reason to get back on track!

I wish I could say that life has been an uphill journey since my last posting, but sadly it has not. I have all but sort of given up on myself and have just been living. I have had a lot of responsibilities but that is nothing new for me and my life. I thought that after I took care of my sisters MediCal issues I could return to taking care of myself.

Here is where I struggle. Is it an excuse that I have had too much going on that I haven't gotten back to the gym and myself or is it just a fact of life. I never seem to have enough time in a day to get everything I want or need to get done. I have resorted to getting only 3-4 hours of sleep a night even wearing my CPAP machine. So I'm not sure that is a good thing either. I want to get back on track because I am soooo not happy with how I look  and feel, but what is it going to take to get me where I need to be again?

Well a few things have fallen into place that I think the universe is trying to tell me to get off my arse and do something. First of all, a friend is going to help us with letting us buy his transmission from his car (newly rebuilt) to put in my car. He is even willing to help put it in. So I can finally have wheels again and maybe be able to get a better job. Then the HUGE wake up call his this last week. Shadow has been feeling sick and has been throwing up and urinating everywhere. She was losing weight like crazy!!!!! I couldn't stand it anymore, so we took her in to the vet. This is after we fixed her urinary tract infection and her hip dysplacia.

So we took her in and the vet ran some blood work on her along with some X-rays. He came back out and told us that she is diabetic!!!! And her blood sugars are 576!!! He told us that it should be able to be controlled by insulin, food and exercise. Two days later she couldn't keep any food down or water. So I called the vet again. Of course he said that he wanted to see her right away. We took her back in and the other vet looked at her and said wow she has lost a ton of weight. That didn't sound good. And the way he was looking at her didn't sound good either!!! He took her glucose reading again and it was still 505 after an insulin shot 18 hours earlier. He told us that the only options we had are to either admit her to the hospital and have IV's and insulin to get her back on track or to split up her insulin and hope for the best. I was ready to go the hospital route until the vet called and said that 2 days of hospitalization was going to cost $3500!!!! There is no way we can afford that. I asked the vet honestly, what do you think....  He said that if it was his dog, he would give it about 48 hours and if she doesn't respond, then we should put her down. There was no consoling me at that point. I couldn't lose my baby!!! Not now. The vet gave me all of her medical charts in case I wanted to do the hospital thing.

We took her home and I was determined to get her to eat. I boiled up some chicken and some baby carrots and put them in the food processor. She ate it! We watched her for hours and she never threw it up again. I fixed her some more and she ate that too! She was drinking water all day and we watched for that to come up and it never did! I fed her the last portion of chicken and carrots and then her insulin.

Last night she slept all night. Not once did she have to get up to go potty or to get sick! I think we are well on  our way to success!!!!

So who would think that it would take my baby to become diabetic and almost losing her for me to get off my arse and take care of myself. If I don't take care of myself, who is going to take care of her. So now, not only do I plan weekly menus for us, but for her as well. Shadow and I have to figure out an exercise schedule but I am dedicated to the long and happy life of Shadow and with that.....I am dedicated to the long and happy life of Tristine.  Wow who knew!

UGH!!!!

It has been forever since I posted only because I have not felt worthy of anything to post.  Life is continuing to be a struggle for me.  I am constantly caught between what I feel and what I know.  With this being said I feel I must explain.  I have been feeling lonely.  Not that I really am, but that I feel like I am.  I chat with friends online and by phone but I still seem to feel alone.  Maybe because I am not happy with myself.  A good friend told me that you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself.  Well I'm not sure if I believe that.  I do to a point....but I feel that I love those I love truly and deeply.  I guess it goes to more of being able to give of yourself.  But there again, I feel like I give myself freely to those I love.   Or maybe it's that I analyze things too much....lol...me?!?!?!  What ever the cause...I am having a hard time finding the solution.  I am struggling with getting back to the gym too.  Another thing that I love that I have pushed away.  I can feel myself crawling back into my safe dark hole again.  I can use an excuse that I hurt my back...but it's been healed for a week now.  I can say that it's costly and that the gas is too expensive, but I have a bicycle, there is no reason I can't ride there.  I can't say as I enjoy being at home all the time, but I am finding it hard to get out anymore.  I don't want to be seen.  I am ashamed of myself and don't want people to see that I am failing.

I have never really been afraid of anything in my life but one thing, and that is failure.  I can't allow myself to fail, or more than that...I can't allow anyone else to see me fail.  Now before you jump to my defense and say that I have accomplished so much in my life and that I should be happy, I need to let you into my mind a little bit.  I don't like to think that I have any mental issues but I do believe I have.  I do suffer from depression and take medicine for it but I think it is more me than a chemical imbalance.  I could be wrong....but that is how I feel.  I have admitted that I am a Hoarder.  I have been strong enough to be able to slowly try and get over it on my own.  My self esteem is always in the toilet!!  I have a problem accepting compliments.  I have however grown to learn how to fake accepting them, but they never really reach my head.  But most of all I'm not sure if I know how to be happy.  I have always worried about making sure that everyone around me was taken care of.  I have heard that that is a way of not thinking about myself.  I can see that.  If I am involved doing something for someone else, I don't have to see what I think are failures in my own life.  I can show all of you my wonderful traits and accomplishments but they are only things.  It's like the difference of wanting something and needing something.  I want and like all of the kudos I get from all the things I do, but I need for myself to really believe that I am worth those kudos.

I tried my hand at smoking some beef ribs last night.  I was so excited that I posted all over Facebook about how I was doing them and what they looked like and smelt like while they were cooking.  Many of my friends were telling me how wonderful a cook I was and that they couldn't wait to see them.  It was down to the last couple of hours of them cooking.  They were looking really good and juicy!!!  Now I know that at this point in cooking, you never get distracted.  Well I did.  It's not important with what distracted me but that I wasn't watching my cooking.  I went out to pull them off of the BBQ and they were ruined!!!  The had turned into beef jerky on a bone!  My heart exploded and instantly vanished.  I brought them in the house and told Jim that they were ruined.  He couldn't believe me...until he saw them.  All that hard work and boasting, maybe that is what I'm to learn, how to be humble.  Anyway, they were ruined.  My head instantly clicked off...there was no reasoning with me.  Jim tried to tell me it was ok, but that infuriated me even more.  I don't like pity and that is what it felt like even though I know, logically, that it was far from pity.  I wanted to be left alone, completely alone.  I couldn't keep myself from crying, even now it is bringing tears to my eyes.  I went to bed at 5:30pm and didn't wake up until 5am this morning.  I still couldn't face my friends on Facebook that they were ruined.  But I didn't want a ton of messages on my phone asking what the FAIL message was on my page.  Why did I find it sooo necessary to post just a simple FAIL if I don't want anyone to know that I failed.  Do I secretly want or need pity or consoling?  But once I posted it, I didn't want to talk to anyone.  I am forever crying for help but then pushing it away and not accepting it.

Even as I write this, I am thinking that I need to tell my close friends to read it, but do I really want them to know just how messed up I am?  I know that they will love me even if they don't understand, and still love me even if they do understand.  I have always been my own worst enemy but I am finding that my fighting style with myself is turning into gorilla warfare.  I'm not sure what it is I need to do to change and I hate having to constantly post it here.  I don't want all of you to think that I am a sniveling, pathetic, human.  But I find that when I need to let it out, it comes here.  So please understand that I just need to let it out.  I don't expect any of you to do anything, I just need to see what I am thinking on paper so to speak.  I am hoping that one day I will see all of this writing as silly dribble, but until then.....well It's me.

So I thank you all for reading, and you all bring such good things to my life.  I do appreciate it even if I can't really show it.  Love you guys!

You've come a long way baby....

Today I was talking with a friend of mine about another friend of ours that is starting the journey to bariatric surgery.  Our friend was upset because her doctor told her that she had to lose 50 pounds before he could even think about doing the surgery.  And it dawned on me....

I've come a long way.  I remember when I first met with my surgeon and he told me that I had to lose 10% of my body weight before he could do the surgery.  Now I knew that this was going to be asked of me because I had gone to classes and groups preparing me for my first meeting with my surgeon.  I thought oh my gosh 10% of 413 pounds you have got to be kidding me!!!  How in the world am I going to lose that much weight?!?!  How can I get that much weight off before my next meeting with my surgeon in a couple of months?!?!  You have got to be kidding me.  Then I remember talking to my surgeon and he wanted me to have the bypass surgery and I wanted the Lap Band.  He told me that it would be better for me, and I would lose the weight faster and more of it.  But I stood by my decision on having the Lap Band.  I can remember promising him that I would work extra hard to get the weight off.  That I was capable of losing the weight I needed with the help of the Lap Band.

Of course I was scared at first.  I was really good at first, because let's face it....I wanted the surgery!!!  But then as time went on., life got in the way.  Old stressors and triggers were still there and since I hadn't dealt with how to deal with these things, I went back to my old ways and started eating again.  I would beat myself up and be good again for awhile but I would again eat.  This went on for awhile until it became closer to my next meeting with my surgeon.  I didn't want to let him down.  I had promised him that I would work really hard and I had to prove to him that I was worthy of having the Lap Band surgery.  So I did what ever was needed to get the last few pounds off. 

I felt fantastic that I was able to do it!!  I couldn't have done it without the few support groups I talked with and went to, but I really couldn't have done it without the classes and all the hoops Kaiser put me thorough before the surgery.  They tell you it's going to be hard and that you will have to work at it.  They tell you that surgery is just a tool and should be looked at it as only that.  You have to do the rest!!!

Well October 20th will be my 2 year surgiversary and I still struggle with the eating and losing the weight.  But I can now see that it's me that holds all the cards.  It's my decisions that determine weather I do good or not.  In fact I haven't seen my surgeon in almost 8 months and I'm supposed to see him every month, well now it should be every 3-6 months, but I'm embarrassed to go see him because I haven't kept up my end of the deal.  I have broken my promise.  But I still keep trying.  If you have followed my BLOG for any length of time you will see that I fall off then get back going again.  It sometimes takes me longer to get back on track again....but I DO get there!!!

As I was talking to my friend, I could feel my chest puff up a bit knowing that I have fought this battle and even though I haven't won it yet, I have the desire and fight to keep fighting it!!  I no longer think that my surgery is a magical pill, or a quick fix.  Like I have been told before, you had stomach surgery, not brain surgery.  It finally dawned on me that...I have come a long way baby....I still have a long way to go....but I AM on MY WAY!!!!

Cleaning house in more ways than one

I have taken a lot of time to think about what is going on in my life and how I want to live it.  I have been worried about others feelings, situations, health, and financial issues.  The whole time I have the same issues to deal with but tend to push them aside.  Well I don't know what changed or why but I have gotten a sudden urge to take care of me and my family, meaning Jim, Shadow, and myself.  I will still help others because that is who I am, but we are coming first for a change.

I started yesterday by cleaning out some banker boxes from the garage.  I threw away one box worth and the other two I packed up for Salvation Army.  It felt so good to have a clean spot in the garage.  Granted the clean spot is only 2 feet by 1 foot, but it's CLEAN!!!

So today, I was able to sell a friends monitor for him (not to mention he bought me a new pair of shoes, thanks Scott!!!) and was feeling pretty good getting rid of stuff.  So I came up with this idea to donate my old pc's to a non-profit haunted house that another friend of mine runs.  They got broken into a while back and their computer stuff got taken, so....I'm giving them mine.  I trust them, they can use them, and I'm helping a good cause which makes me feel fantastic!!!  So then I cleaned out two big totes full of stuff out of the garage.  One was full of clothes that neither Jim or I could ever wear....well not unless we starved for a year...lol.  So off they went to Salvation Army.  Then the other tote was full of party decorations and balloons for weddings.  I hated to get rid of that because I love to decorate...but I'm not doing any weddings now and there is no sense to keep them, so they went on Freecycle. 

It has been a tough journey and I am no were near being done.  I even looked at the price tags on some of the stuff and felt sick because I never did anything with the stuff.  It sat in totes for years, not months, days or hours....YEARS!!!!  But after that thought passed, the thought of being able to have friends over without cringing, being able to do my crafts with room to work, and to have a garage that Jim can park his motorcycle in and actually work on if he wants.  No more saving for maybe someday....I'm going to start living in today.

Now I have to admit, that this feeling won't last forever.  My track record of this is not good.  I get this feeling off and on but then I get discouraged because of the sheer mass of everything and lack of time, and of course the emotions that go along with it.  But I am going to fight for this one this time.  I even posted on my Facebook page that if you don't like who I am, and the way I do things....you have complete control to delete me from your friends page.  I am not changing for you because you think I should.  Nope!!!  I even deleted a few people that were talking smack behind my back.  Sorry people, but I don't need your issues!!!  I have my own!!!  If you are to chicken caca to say something to my face, I don't have time for you!!!  I have always been up front and open with everyone, and now I am expecting the same!!!

I'm going to continue my journey and make it my own.  I'm going to cook how I want, post what I want, and do what I want to do.  If you choose to take this journey with me, rock on.  If you don't, well walk on by or stand aside....I'm coming through!!!

Smiling on the outside, twisted on the inside.

I'm sorry that I've been away for so long.  This has been a long two weeks for me. I had to take some time away from me.  When I say take some time away from me, I have to try and stop moving in the direction I'm going and take a breath and really look at what it is I am really doing.  Since I am emotionally involved in so many relationships, I haven't been taking care of myself.  I know I do this as a way of not facing things about me.  I have been backing away from my gym workouts, family and friends all because I am running on pure emotion and not brain power.  The only way I can really explain it is if you watch the Dog Whisperer he says that we give our dogs affection over discipline because it's easier on us, but it's not what is really best for your dog.  So I guess this is where I look at myself as a dog owner and dog and woof at myself for not taking myself out for walks, no discipline, giving too many treats, and neglecting my needs.  Bad owner....

I make light of this but it's really an issue for me.  I had to take a week off from Facebook because I didn't feel that I could in good conscious face my friends with happy thoughts and comments when I didn't really feel up to it.  Don't get me wrong, those happy thoughts and comments towards all of my friends and that is real to them.  It's the happy feeling I feel inside that is missing.  The minute I let everyone know that I needed some time away, all of my wonderful friends rushed to my side.  I had support like never before.  Everyone was there for me.  But even all of the support couldn't get me back up....at least in the beginning.

As the days went by of my silence, I started to let some of my gloom go.  It's still there because  the problems are still there, but I have been able to breathe again.  I will still follow the same path that I was headed on with helping and taking care of things but I don't feel so smothered.  Now it's not my friends that smother me, it's me that smothers me.  I know that most of you won't be able to understand this if you have never had this issue to deal with.  Trust me as I even write this, I keep looking at the Bugles and the corn Doritos thinking just a few won't hurt.  I have been able to resist, but man the fact that this happens at all after this long is upsetting.

So why do I torture myself like this?  I know I am not good about sharing my emotions and feelings, even on here, I hold back...I don't want to scare you all away.... You do get a lot of it but it's so much easier to bury it deep within myself then to have to deal with it.  But then it oozes up to the top and starts to drown me.  I'm the one that does this...no one else tells me to do this, this is something that I have learned all on my own.

I'm trying to keep busy today to trying to keep the gloom away.  I just need to stay focused on what it is I want and not what everyone else wants.  Even though no one is asking for anything really.  Well some are but that's something different, sort of...ugh!!!

I'm going now....enjoy your day and I'll be back soon!!!