It wasn't brain surgery

This last year has been full of unexpected events, acts, and thoughts. I have felt out of control, overwhelmed, and numb. Looking back...as you know hind sight is always 20/20....I see that I lost faith in myself a bit. I got tired and let thoughts and feelings of others taint my own thinking. I didn't think I had...well at least not as much as it had. I took a look at myself the other day...and I can't say I have ever liked what I saw...but I was ok with what I saw....not this time. I have gained almost all my weight back even presurgery weight. My clothes no longer fit, I have problems with my feet that I am dreading seeing the doctor about because I have a feeling he will tell me to stay off my feet (something I don't have the luxury of). I have lost self confidence, not that I had a lot to begin with. Anyway we all know the feelings. 

While searching for inspiration and motivation I found a few images that I was going to put here in a draft to write on later and came across a draft that I had never written on. It is the below paragraphs. It struck me....I have been searching for so long...even when I originally found the writing...and in searching again have found it again. I have never acted upon it. I had let the words go in one ear and out the other never stopping to reflect or act upon how they made me feel. It was easier I imagine then to put it aside and I will get back to it. Well when will I make the time to stop putting me aside to deal with later. I would have never thought I would be so heavy again, or getting myself so overwhelmed that I totally just didnt care about myself.  I have quit things I enjoy doing which has taken more from me than I had ever imagined. Somehow I must make the time and steps to get back to me no matter how small those steps or how long the time it takes. 

I want to be open to the things around me and to understand and get back to who I am. Not let others thoughts and feelings they carry affect me. It is my life and it is time that I hold onto it and ride my ride of life.

Please enjoy the passage below and look at it and reflect upon it. I hope it moves you and makes your heart beat with a hunger to be all that you can be. To be true to you.

"You've got work to do, so strip yourself. There’s something that you’re supposed to do that is your mission in life. To complete it, you must avoid the mind pollution coming from others who don’t have goals or dreams, and who don’t have a reason for being here. As you begin to look at yourself, and go after your goals and your dreams… begin to strip yourself. 

Strip yourself of the behaviors, thoughts, habits, and attitudes that you know will block you from achieving the things that you want. Strip yourself of all the things that are none of your spiritual business. Stop buying into other people’s stories and excuses, instead of taking care of your own business. Strip yourself of the excuses, and all of the reasons that you've given yourself for not achieving your goals. Be about the business of making things happen. Let go of the things that don’t serve you, and launch forward to your dream. You deserve!"
— Les Brown

Believe in yourself!!! Truly believe....

First of all I want to truly thank everyone that has come to my BLOG either by choice or by accident, and has taken the time to read just one of my postings. It means so much to me that I have been either a source of information, support, a laugh, or just so you know someone feels the same as you do. I also want to thank everyone who has commented on the posts and let me know how you feel and enjoy my posts and BLOG. So a HUGE HUGE thank you from the bottom of my heart! You all inspire me to continue both my BLOG and my journey.

I started this BLOG so long ago as a way to help me through this journey. A way of letting me release what it was I was feeling, a way of validating that what I was feeling was real so to speak. I am not one to ask for help. If I do ask for help, it's because I have gotten to my wits end and feel that I am going to break or lose my mind. When I feel that I have no options left real or not. This BLOG was a way for me to cry out to family and friends without having to cry out to them personally. See just because I finally asked for the help doesn't mean that I can talk to anyone and actually take it. But that is not what this posting is about.

When I started this whole process and journey of having the Lap Band surgery, I believed in some part of myself. I even got my surgeon to go ahead with the Lap Band rather than the RNY like he suggested. I had lost my 10% of weight before surgery all on my own. I felt good and confident that I could do this!!! That I was ready! Somewhere along the line I lost that belief. My old ways of thinking and eating slowly crept back, till the next thing I know I am slipping and from that point on I have struggled with losing any weight other than the 10% I lost before surgery.

Please, I come to you as not only someone who needs to learn this for herself again but to reach out to any who may have the same feelings. A good friend of mine tells me no one said it's going to be easy, but anything worth the work is worth the reward. I have another friend that likes to say "it was weight loss surgery, not brain surgery....you still have your mind to deal with".

Believe in yourself! Truly believe! You have come to this point either looking to have surgery, have had the surgery, or just looking for something anything. You have already taken the first step...could be the hardest step....but it is YOU that has taken it. I have heard people tell me this whole time that it took time to put the weight on it will take time to get it off. This is true....but the time it took to put the weight on, at least for me, was masked behind emotions and just mindlessness. I ate to escape, I ate to be happy, I ate...because it tasted good! No matter how or why I ate...I ate without thinking! Now that I have the Lap Band I no longer have that option no matter how I may fight it! Yes, it's going to be hard and yes it can be a total pain in the butt! Counting calories, weighing your food, chewing everything 30 times, the time it takes to eat a meal and being with those who can still eat whatever they want and how much. Don't think of it as all of that! You can't!! You must put yourself first! You deserve it weather you feel like it now or not....YOU DESERVE IT!!! You deserve to feel happy and healthy (and no I didn't say thin or skinny!!!). Believe in yourself to be what YOU want to be not what others think you should be.

Always believe that you are worth whatever you want...no one knows better what it is that you want other than you. Don't be ashamed to want to have a healthier life (you may have friends or family that without thinking will try and sabotage you). You need to believe that you are strong enough to do this! Let's face it....it is no easy task being overweight! You have been strong through those times believe in yourself to be strong now. Don't let others bring you down. Most people don't understand the struggle it is to go through this...but you are more than this struggle.... believe in yourself to be happy. I'm not saying put on a fake smile and get through the day, although I have done that more times than I care to admit, and still do. What I am saying is believe that you are making these changes because it is something you want, and that you have a vision for you and don't let anyone take that from you!

I have much to learn to get to believe in myself again, but I am on the right track. Know you are never alone no matter how alone you feel you are. There are support groups and things out there of people who have gone through the journey too. I have been to some when I needed just to feel not so alone. I'm not one for sharing (I know but I have a BLOG sharing lol) but it does me good to know I am not alone in how I feel. Please feel free to write to me, (I believe I have a link to go straight to email if you don't want others to see I will double check), of your struggles, triumphs, or anything. One day at a time I start to believe in myself more and more. Never forget that you are always worth believing in yourself! You are truly one of a kind! Be happy, be you, and always believe that you are something special....because you are!!!

The difference even 10 pounds can make

So today is day two of being back at the gym. Those of you that know me...know I love the gym! Something is a bit off though and it's me! Even though I am a big woman and always have been, I have always been able to feel good at the gym, confident no matter what level I was with anything. There was a time when I started many years ago that I was insecure, but those days have been long gone. These last two days, I have felt insecure a bit...not overwhelmingly so but I'm not on my A game!

When I walked in the gym today, I walk in head held high and feeling confident until I step on the treadmill. My foot does hurt (plantar fasciitis). Dr. wants me to stay off of it but because I can't he has me just stretching and icing it and praying I don't screw it up more. I am a bit of a hard head when it comes to pain and pushing through it....I'm a no pain no gain kind of block head. "Grins"

I start my warm up walking pace after I have stretched out both feet....yep my other foot I have Achilles Tendinitis but it is under control. The gym seemed hot today too like they had the heater on and it wasn't cold outside. I kept on though, my headphones blasting and my towel covering the readout on the treadmill. The first 15 minutes are always hard for me...I need to keep telling myself come on...not much longer till your over the hurdle. But something kept the hurdle going today! I kept pushing myself but it felt like I was carrying about 50 extra pounds! Little things distracted me like my shirt was tighter and was hanging up on my butt and belly a bit, I was hotter and sweating more than normal, my foot wouldn't quit throbbing and pounding with pain, and I just couldn't find my groove. I had to keep pausing to stretch out my foot and I would stretch hard then my calf and shin would ache but my foot wasn't noticeable as much, so I would continue. I fought for every minute today.

After my workout, tired and aching I went to the locker room to change. I thought about my workout today and realized.....I let the fat and weight win today. I let it distract me. I did my workout but it wasn't the high I normally get and I didn't keep the pace and push that I normally keep. I won't let that 10 pounds rule me anymore.....I am stronger than it! I will center myself before I go to the gym and find my strength within that is a kick-ass woman and won't let anything beat her!

Since I pushed so hard today without thinking straight...I have hurt my foot again and need to wrap and ice it all night and hope I can stand on it tomorrow morning.

My lesson for today....my weight only holds power over me if I allow it. The guilt I feel about gaining it and the shame for letting it happen grew only because I let it. I will not be ashamed that I gained it because I am taking steps to lose it and make myself healthier. I will walk tall knowing that I am not my weight....I am a strong confident woman who can hold her own and is more than a number on a scale. No excuses only results and hard work!

Tomorrow is another day a brighter stronger day!

My motivation/inventive jar

I tried this earlier in the year....I think it was February or so. It didn't motivate me then but then again I don't think I was ready. I still struggled with restriction issues and my lapband and I think it was easier to find an excuse with it not to go to the gym than I honestly care to admit....even though I do truly love going to he gym. Well I am I hope in a better frame of mind this time and I have no excuses....well I can always come up with some kind of excuse because I'm creative...lol. Seriously though, my lapband is unrestricted and I can eat anything I want which is forcing me to be aware of what and how much I eat, and to be accountable for every bite. I must return to my will power and determination to get me through. I know I can do it...I had to do it before I got the surgery....and its been the only weight that has stayed off! So I must go to that place again!

This jar, as you see holds money, and not just any money....a dollar is placed in this jar everytime I complete a gym session. A gym session is 45 minutes of cardio, and another is 30-45 minutes strength training. If I do cardio and not strength training it's a dollar put in, but here is my restriction....since I prefer strength training....if I only do strength training that day, no money is put in because I didn't do any cardio. Sucks I know...lol but I know me. If I do strength AND cardio then I get two dollars put in as motivation. The potential to add up is great, as my normal routine used to be (and what I want to return to) is cardio 5 days a week and strength training 3 days a week.

Here is the motivation/incentive part. When the jar has $100 in it I will change it to a hundred dollar bill and I will reward myself with something small for me....no food rewards!!! Maybe a couple pair of earrings or a new item of clothing, something $40 or less. Then as my jar gets to $200 I will change it out with another hundred dollar bill and reward myself again with something medium sized....again no food rewards!! Something not more than $60 for this one. Finally when the jar reaches $300 I will again change it out to the hundred dollar bill but I will make a reassessment of how to continue. I will reward myself with something larger and then go from there.

My goal is to be under 200 pounds....even if it means 199 pounds! I used to want to weigh 165 but I don't think I will look good and I want to still be curvy, but strong and most important healthy and happy with me!

Today a dollar was put in! I am anxious to see how quickly it fills.

The battle of the bulge....the saga continues....

About 3 weeks ago I had my lapband loosened by 3cc. I wasn't able to eat the foods I needed to eat. The only food that would stay down were sweets and soft foods no good proteins. I had my metabolism checked and it showed I need to eat more calories but good calories. Good news is now that my band is loose I can eat....anything! Bad news is....I can eat anything!

I tried on a skirt that used to be baggy on me yesterday and it fit snugly. I have felt weight coming on but didn't address it as I should have. Well when the skirt was tight I decided I don't care how badly my foot hurts I can't not go to the gym anymore!

Went to the gym this morning wanting to tackle the world and push myself till I broke....but knew that was not what I needed to do. I weighed in hoping that the scale said 353 like normal.....but no.....it said 362!!! It was hard not to beat myself up. I got on the treadmill and started in. I pushed as hard as I dared....but I must admit my head was not totally in it.....but I went and that's the point...now to follow through....no eating out, no junk food, no alcohol, start logging my food, and measuring my portions. No screwing around! Time to make time for me! I don't want this weight anymore! I must find the strength and motivation within me to keep up the fight and to succeed! So first step started....time to keep them going.

Getting through the day



The day started out like any other day. I wake up and hubby and kids are hungry, me not so much. We go through the same question routine..."What do you want for breakfast" which usually ends in I don't know what do we have or what sounds good. Thankfully hubby knew what he wanted to eat. He requested toasted English muffins, one set with peanut butter and jelly, and the other set melted cheese. Ok easy enough.

 

I go out to the kitchen start toasting the English muffins. I grab the margarine, cheese, and jelly from the refrigerator. The first set of English muffins are done and toasted. I put them on his place and go to spread some margarine on them. I grab a small handful of cheese and top the English muffins so I can put them in the toaster oven. As I lifted them from the plate some of the cheese fell off, just a few shreds here and there. But without thinking I grabbed them up and started to put them in my mouth. I stopped myself before I went through with it and put it back on the English muffins. The second set of English muffins were done and I spread the margarine on them and started to spread on the peanut butter. Again, after I had spread the peanut butter on the English muffin, I started to lick the peanut butter and margarine off of the knife! I again stopped myself, but just how many hidden calories have found their way to my body because I just cleaned up the plate or the knife. I took hubby his breakfast and was a bit glad that the food was gone.

 

I went back into the kitchen to make my breakfast. Two scoops of my protein powder, 8 ounces of water and a spin in my Magic Bullet. Instant breakfast. It's no peanut butter and jelly but it's not bad. I am used to them as I usually have one before I go to the gym in the morning, but it's different knowing that this is all or almost all I can have.

 

 



Lunch time came around and I was feeling pretty good about everything. I fixed the hubby some smoked sausage and some potato salad I had made the night before. I plated everything up for him and damned if I wasn't going to lick the spoon with the potato salad! I DON'T LIKE POTATO SALAD!!!! I stopped myself again from eating it.

 

As the day progressed I started to get a headache from right between my eyes to the base of my head. The headache wasn't too bad to start just an annoyance, but as the time went by it started to pound harder. I know the feelings of blood sugar dropping and I could feel mine getting lower. I took my blood sugar and it read out at 96, which is a normal reading for not being diabetic. I'm not diabetic in the sense that I have to take medicine or insulin I control mine by diet and exercise. My normal sugars run about 118-125 depending on what I eat. This reading of 96 was after I had drank my protein shake and time had passed so it should have been in my system. I know that this was going to happen going down to such a calorie deficiency, but it still has me off my game a bit.

 

I think dinner was the hardest for me tonight. The other meals were not foods that I really cared about or really enjoyed tremendously. Dinner however, was hard to cook and smell the pork chop, the stuffing cooking, the color of the broccoli and how it would have tasted. I didn't want another protein shake, not now so I ended up eating some yogurt and some cream of tomato soup.

 

Hubby's dinner, pork steak, broccoli, and stuffing

Dinner is done and I have logged all of my food to check on my calorie intake. All of the food I've eaten today only comes to 787 calories. The calories are good for today, a day that I'm not at the gym, but I am a bit concerned when I got to the gym in the morning. I will work off a good 400 calories with just my cardio which means that I have to replenish those calories to keep my metabolism up and my body not eating itself.

The day has not been too bad for the most part, just a bit of a challenge getting my thinking back to where it needs to be. I can raise my head high to the fact that I have lost a pound since the fill and that I overcame the urges to eat the things I shouldn't have. The fight and the drive is within me I just need to keep reaching for it until it comes without thinking.

The rules I must follow

I thought it would be a good thing to write down the rules that I must follow now that I have my band tighter. I am going back to what it was right after I had my surgery. There are some really strict rules that didn't really affect me after my surgery in 2008 but will affect me now that my band is tight. Now these are not verbatim from my binder from Kaiser Permanente where I had my surgery, but this site breaks it down a bit better than my binder. To give you an idea I went through about 9 months of classes to prepare for my surgery, so that I knew everything that had to be done to make it a successful tool. So most of the information I know is not in the binder but all of the classes that I attended.

I found this site that breaks down your diet and eating habits after surgery. My additions are done in red.

Post-lap band surgery, your gastric capacity has been restricted between 3 and 8 ounces .Hence, the first few days, you need to respect the recommended amounts and the allowed foods, in order for your body to adapt and to reduce nausea, pain, and vomiting.

The volume of food ingested should not exceed a small dessert cup or an 8 ounce plate. Remember that you must eat slowly and chew very well each morsel of food. *Now what they mean by this is very very specific!!! The size bite you will now and forever eat is the size of a nickel!!! That bite you MUST chew for 30 chews BEFORE ever swallowing! Try it sometime it's darn near impossible! But must be done!

You can drink between 1 and 1.5 liters of water daily outside the daily meals. Remember to do it slowly, in little sips and preferably with a little spoon. *You can not drink through a straw either as this adds air to your small pouch and will make it feel full and be very uncomfortable.

Remember that the liquids you drink must be low in or free from calories . You can use a sugar substitute such as SPLENDA, no-Sucar, Equal, Nutra sweet, etc.

Avoid food that could cause obstruction in the passage of food from your stomach to the small intestines such as: raw food with rind (apples, pear, mangoes, etc); seeded food (blackberries, guava, kiwi, popcorn, seeds like peanuts, almonds, cashews, etc.); fibrous food (Mandarin, orange, pineapple, etc). *Now these may seem like they would never block or cause an obstruction but you must remember that the size of the opening from your small pouch of a stomach to your larger stomach is the size of a dime! So look at a dime and think that everything you eat must pass through that.

You should not drink any liquids, not even water during meals. Do it 15 to 30 minutes before or after meals.

Do not drink carbonated drinks or alcoholic beverages for six months after the procedure.

Do not stretch, recline on the sofa, or lie down in bed after eating.

Do not eat dried nuts or ceded fruits until indicated by your nutritionist (blackberries, peanuts, cashews, almonds, guava, strawberries, etc).

Ideally, medicines should be mashed and diluted in water to permit better swallowing and absorption. You can even consider taking the liquid versions. If that is not possible, take the capsules in the way mentioned above.

Avoid sugar-sweetened foods and drinks (marmalades, coconut water, etc).

Stop eating when you feel satisfied, don't wait till you feel completely full.

If you have vomiting or constant diarrhea for more than 3-5 days, call your doctor.

Your nutritionist will recommend the nutritional supplements and food in order to maintain the adequate proteins and calories for your daily needs. *For mine I have to take 1500mg calcium, and a multivitamin. A lot of people need to add iron as well.

When you eat food, remember to chew properly and with the mouth closed, and try to take your meals in a calm and relaxed pace. *Hardest thing in the world to do!!!! It takes a long time for you to eat. I have sat at the table long after everyone else has finished their meal. You must not rush for anything!! It causes PB (productive burps ie up chucking), or worse yet, food sticking and causing terrible pain and pressure! Trust me not fun on either point!

Do not forget to take your daily vitamins. *Very important since you will be eating far less food and getting far less nutrients!

Here is information from my binder of what and how much I am to eat and for how long:
First off the guidelines...
Your meals must be spaced 4-5 hours apart
Each meal should take you 30-45 minutes to eat.
Calories to eat - 700-900 calories per day
Protein - 60-80 grams a day
Carbs - 100 grams from fruit and veggies
Fat - 30 grams a day
Fluids - 64 ounces a day minimum!!!

Stage I
Liquid for 24 hours!!
Jell-O, broth, tea, diluted juice, Popsicle

Stage II
Duration 2 weeks!
Soft blended foods. For example: Protein drinks, cottage cheese, pudding, Popsicle, diluted fruit juice, yogurt, strained cream soup, broth.

Stage III
Duration here on out for the rest of your life
Solid foods.

I didn't really follow to the tea stage I as I had some pudding and some clam chowder but I didn't eat much of the potatoes etc of the soup just the broth. Stage II is going to be the test for me. This will let me know if the band is too tight. If I have trouble eating these for the whole two weeks I will need to go and have some taken out. Which I'm hoping I won't have to...but it may have to be. I need and want this to work this time. The killer for me will be the 700-900 calories! I don't have a full or hungry feeling ever I just don't have the triggers that tell my body I'm hungry or full. But I can tell you that going down to that low of calories you feel it!!!! I will be exercising on top of this as well so I will have the added duty to eat to maintain those calories or my body will start to feed on itself and my metabolism will go into the toilet and it's already too slow now! My head has to be in the game on this and I can't let anything distract me from it!!!

New fill whole new beginning!

First I am sorry for dropping off of the face of the Earth for the last month. January was a very hard beginning of the year for me but I don't want to go into all of the trials and tribulations of family, finance, emotions, and stressors of the month because I am really trying to move past that and to be more focused on me. I wanted a better me, a better life, a new start this  year. With January being so up and down I didn't want to wait any longer to finally get my head on straight.

It was hard to look at everything that needed to be done and to not get overwhelmed! I am the type to take on everything all at once and drive myself insane trying to accomplish it all. Then when I am unable to get everything done or it is not up to my standards I beat myself up, cry, isolate myself, and always eat! Even if I can't eat because of the unnecessary stress I have just put on myself I will still eat and then upchuck it then try and eat some more. I usually end up with some form or candy bar or sugar something as it dissolves and will slide down to my stomach and let's face it....it's chocolate what wouldn't make you feel better right??? Well sadly it did for a second until it was gone and then I was back at beating myself up for eating the chocolate or junk. Vicious cycle!!!

I was encouraged by a very dear friend to just take on a few things at a time and do them and do them well. Not to take on every one's problems as my own and not to let things get to me. Keep a positive attitude and keep moving forward. Now for those that know me will think well shoot she always has a positive attitude. I used have a positive attitude for everyone but me. Life seemed so daunting and just overwhelming with everything that I could be encouraging for everyone around me but when it came to me I was on the verge of doom and gloom. It was hard for me to be happy, truly happy.

So my friend helped me to think of the big issues at hand and start from there. Finances, and my health were top of the list! I can not be strong of mind and body if I am not healthy. I can't beat myself up if I am eating healthier choices. I can't be happy if I don't feel healthy and for me to be thinner. Weight has always been that monkey on my back...if only that monkey would jump off I could probably lose a good 20 pounds although that monkey feels like it weighs 120 pounds...lol. Then the finances...well who doesn't have issues with finances even if you are stinking rich. I needed to live within my means and stop buying things to make me momentarily happy but added to the stress of financial hardship and trying to find a place to store all of it. I sat down and drew up a budget the best I could knowing that it's going to be a work in progress until things are back to basics and normal again. Absolutely no spending on anything that is not needed and yes that means candy bars too!!! Secondly it was time for my health. I contacted my doctors for various things that needed to be addressed and caught up on appointments that I had been putting off. One of those appointments I had been putting off was getting another fill in my band. I had gotten my band checked a year ago this month and all of my 10cc's were still in there but I didn't feel any restriction..I could still eat far too much! I could eat things that I wasn't supposed to be able to eat like bread and cookies and rice among other things. I had no problem eating anything unless I was stressed or super emotional and then I couldn't keep anything down. My Esophagus felt like it closed up and anything I ate came back up. Except the sweets which sometimes even they did too.

I made the appointment for a fill as I had gone from 305 pounds in late August to 362 in January. Ugh now if that isn't depressing!!! I currently weighed in at 352 yesterday when I went in for my fill. I had asked my doctor if he would give me a 2cc fill rather than just 1 as I had been at 10cc's for over 4 years and have never felt any restriction and would really like to feel some so that this tool I have had placed in my body is finally put to work for me. He agreed with the stipulation that if it feels too tight or that if I have problems that I not wait another year to get it fixed. I agreed with a smile.

With every fill there is the standard consume only fluids for 24 hours. Me being sort of a hard head I pushed the limit a bit, sort of. I had some clam chowder for lunch, only tried a very little bit of the potato and solids, tried two small squares of Jell-O and a couple of spoonfuls of pudding. Most of it stayed down but some came up when I felt like I had eaten too much which I probably did. It wasn't violent like some of my PB (productive burps the bariatric community like to call it) but more like I had just overfilled a pitcher and it was spilling out. I ended up consuming about a half of a cup of food. Last night I had some chinese egg flower soup mostly broth and was able to consume a good healthy cup, cup and a half of it! The kicker was this morning! Breakfast! Always the hardest meal for me as everything has tightened up and is hard to eat and keep down even if I am not stressed.

I made two scrambled eggs for me as I don't like runny yolks. I made breakfast at around 8am....at around 11:45 I lost some of those eggs in a PB. I had only been able to get one egg eaten before I upchucked. I then tried some applesauce, it went down easier but still took forever! I was able to finish eating my other egg after I had put it in my Magic Bullet and made it mush and added a bit of mayonnaise so it would slide down. Everything finally felt like it had moved to my stomach by about 1:30pm!!! Wholly cow!!! Breakfast from 8am-1:30pm to eat 2 eggs and 1/2 a cup of applesauce! Now that will keep me from grazing for sure!!!

I can only imagine this is how my band was SUPPOSED to feel when I first had my surgery back in 2008! I had never felt restriction and any weight I lost was all on my own determination and will, which does say something about me. I had the surgery for it to be used as a tool even though it never has been. So I have dug out my binder from my original surgery to follow the plan there to see if I can keep my fill this tight or not. The first few weeks are liquids and soft foods, so plenty of protein shakes for me! I am hoping to see the weight start dropping off like it should have from the beginning. Meals for me can not be any bigger than about 1/2-3/4 cup of solid food before my pouch feels too full. My only worry is that I am able to maintain enough food to support my heavy workouts with my strength training. That too will have to be adjusted....the food not the training! I am very excited to get back to my really hard heavy training and feeling good with and about myself and soon to see that thinner, healthier, happier, more energetic me!!!!

Fingers crossed this goes as planned but rather than getting down if it needs adjusting I need to keep my spirits high and positive and just adjust it and keep pushing forward! Good thing about all of this is our food bill will shrink to nothing!!! Which helps my financial issues even more. A win win situation if you ask me. If you follow my other food BLOG you will see that food changes will be happening but all the good stuff I cook for the hubby will still be there!!

I have tomorrow to work on timing it will take for my protein shakes to move through my body before I hit the gym again on Monday. I really am excited! There is going to be a lot of changes and bad habits that I will have to make with this...but this is what I wanted from the beginning! Carpe Diem!!!! I'm going to seize the day!!!

Happy New Year 2013

Happy New Year everyone! I hope this year is full of joy, surprises, hope, triumphs, and if there must be pain,  may it not linger and you not suffer.

Looking back over the last year...well let's just say, I'm very glad it's over! I have learned many lessons both good and bad and I have struggled and sometimes triumphed. I have seen that I am usually my own worst enemy, which I have always really known, but I have really seen it first hand this last year. I have tried to fake it till I made it and there is just too much on my plate to even really try to accomplish even faking it.

So this year I am trying to take care of me one step at a time. Now if you know me at all...you know that I would rather poke my eyes out with a red hot poker than to try and do anything for me. But I have seen that this has to happen. It is no longer just a want but a need. I have been painfully reminded that I am not the person that I used to be that the old happy, confident, fun loving, woman I used to be has been lost for a long long time. That my efforts to put on that happy face mask have worn through and the suffering that I feel now shows. Now most people would say well screw them at this point. My head and thoughts turn and attack me and make me want to isolate from anyone and anything, including my puppies that I love so very much.

No resolutions this year but trying for a new way of thinking. Trying to get rid of that stinking thinking therapists always love to say. I'm not going to diet but to make healthier choices and be more accountable for what it is I shove in my face...which I am sad to say I have already blown today but tomorrow is a new day. I won't blow an entire day with one bad choice for a meal, I will make better choices for that next meal. I am trying to not take on so much on my plate so I have made a list of things that I want done and trying to make a schedule of when to do them so I can plan for things better. Also I'm not cutting back spending but again making wiser choices. It's all about putting the positive back in my life no matter how much the thought of it makes me cringe. It's so hard to look on the bright side when your face is in the mud, but even the sun comes out and dries up the mud and makes grass and flowers grow....I need to become one of those flowers again....even if it's a weed like a dandelion.

So one day at a time...one moment at a time...I will get there....

Taking a look at me.....again!!

Today was a hand to mouth day which I am sad to say. I have a lot on my mind and well to be honest a lot of it has to do with money and time or lack of both! I know everyone is having troubles with money these days and with the holidays here...well I can see why the suicide rate doubles. Now don't get upset, I have no intention to be part of that statistic at all!!!

I have two special fur babies that mean the world to me and since they are puppies, Rocky 8 months and Sasha almost 5 months I have a lot of responsibility with both. They are both pitbull puppies and Rocky already weighs in at 60 pounds and Sasha I would say is a good 20-25 pounds. They go through at least 60 pounds of puppy chow a month! Sasha has worms and I want to make sure she gets the most out of the food I'm feeding her so now we need to get her shots from the SPCA so I can take her to the vet to get the worm medicine...now I know I can get the medicine from the pet stores but I am very particular of my babies. I am even having a hard time being ok with letting the SPCA do the shots for Sasha but I can't afford the $200 to have a vet do it and she needs the shots and I won't put her health at risk I need to do what is best for her. Without having you read a whole long account of what has to happen I'm sure a quick run down will give you an idea.

• Shots for Sasha
• Vet visit and worm medicine for Sasha
• New kennel for Sasha (as she has already outgrown her old one)
• New kennel tray for Rocky's as he has chewed his up...yes a hard plastic tray my son has chewed and broke to pieces and any blanket or pillow or bed I put in there he destroys and I can't take the chance of him eating the stuffing or the blankets, and Sasha has a bad habit of eating it if Rocky doesn't
• $100+ for puppy chow for the month
• New collar for Sasha as she has also outgrown her old one and it's getting too tight

Now that is just the simple stuff. It's Christmas and even though we don't exchange gifts due to finances, my babies will get something and I think this year (their first Christmas) they are going to get a HUGE bone to share...I hope they share...lol

I am going through some classes to try and help me put me first...which in my mind seems like a hopeless cause! I have never put myself first! And it is making me look at my emotions and how I deal with them. For those of you who know me...know you will very seldom see any emotion other than happiness and a smile. It is only here that you will catch a glimpse of what I feel. And even here I will not show all of my emotions but that is who I am. Anyway it's been hard for me to look at myself and how I deal with my emotions and the issues I have with my past my present and future. So I have a lot on my mind with that as well.

I also have my sisters Medical and Social Security paperwork that is coming due and the changes with those plans that I need to figure out to make sure that she has the best she can have so her quality of life is enjoyable. My mom's car died as well so my car is the only car between two households, going to the gym for me, taking the hubby to work, weekly dr. appts., running my mom and sister around to their appts. and needs and mom lives a good 30-40 minutes away depending on traffic. So going out to help mom can be an all day affair and I worry about my babies kenneled for so long.

Ok no more about my troubles...but why did I tell you some of them...so you can get a glimpse of walking in my shoes but to understand why I stuff my face. There are times when I feel I have no control over my life and that I am like a piece of wood swirling about in a tornado when I never hit the calm of the eye of the storm, I feel tossed and swirled around with my feet never hitting the ground and being flung out into some vast field miles from where I should be. Then having to pick up the pieces to rebuild. So my post about if you are tired of starting over stop giving up holds a lot of meaning to me. It can be so easy to let the distractions and hardships defeat me and I give up. I just get overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I also have the added bonus of when I get stressed and overwhelmed I tend to eat...doesn't matter what it is or even if I want it or not, I just shove food in my mouth. Well since I have had lap band surgery (years ago) I have an issue of when I am stressed I have a hard time eating and keeping food down. Now I know go see my dr. and have the band adjusted...I'm not sure it's my band that is doing it. Because when I'm not stressed I can still eat like a horse if I want to. So my mind over matter holds a lot of weight...yes pun intended...so if my mind is troubled it matters if I eat or not. So I go through this wonderful cycle of eating then throwing up then trying eating again, losing it again until I just say screw it and forget about eating or go for something like ice cream or applesauce or pudding usually something high in sugar that will slide down to comfort my craving for emotional eating. And I don't just stop at a bowl of any of it...I have to eat the whole half gallon of ice cream, jar of applesauce, or bowl of pudding!!! Then of course I feel bad about all the calories I have just eaten and the pounds that have come back on. But do you think it's enough for me to change...well I try...I'm good for awhile but then that tornado of life comes swirling around again and I get lost and have to start over because I have given up. I used to think about the people who live in tornado alley and wonder why build a house have it destroyed then rebuild again and again...how stupid? Well sweetheart....you live in tornado alley in your life...and you keep trying to rebuild again and again. I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Ok so I'm insane...need the whole straight jacket and all...yep that is me...lol

So I knew exactly why I ate cookies, cake pops, junk food today...but that is not what bothers me....I didn't look at what I was doing and try to stop it. That is the key!!! Until I do that I will forever spin in my tornado hell! I can't get down on myself for eating junk today, I have to pull myself up and go ok that day is done, do better tomorrow. Then DO BETTER tomorrow!!! So I'm not giving up this time I have to push through. I know it's not going to be easy nothing worth anything ever is...but I have to really be aware of what I am doing and not just let life run on auto pilot and be numb to everything. I have to allow myself to feel the pain of life's hardships but not suffer with them. I'm stronger than that and I know I can succeed I've done it before, I just need to find that strength again and let that kick ass woman lead the way until the rest of me catches up and fights with her.

So time for some rest to let my mind relax (if that is possible, yes I'm the type where my mind is always going). I have to keep in mind...another day another day to succeed another day to work for what I want out of life. I deserve to be happy and I shouldn't and won't let myself stand in my own way...pushing forward one day at a time!!

A little eye opener...

Didn't really think I was giving up....but in perspective I suppose I have....It sounds so easy...yet no task worth a struggle ever is....change your way of thinking stop fighting yourself and charge forward!

Venting

Emotions running high and on super sensitive tonight! I am like a stick of dynamite ready to explode! I am starting to wish I were more like Sybil....at least she didn't know the other personalities in her head. I am painfully aware of all of the demons that I am carrying and facing! I feel like the seven deadly sides of Tristine tonight! Anger, frustration, resentment, sadness, loathing, insanity, and shame. Gawd those flowed to easily off my fingers tonight! The kids I love I'm frustrated with tonight and have no tolerance for. Let's face it I have no tolerance for anything tonight! My head my body and my heart feel like I am just outside the eye of the storm....where everything is complete chaos and being thrown about...yet to reach the eye of the storm would be deadly...deathly silence means that I have gone deep within myself and dealt deep within that part of me I try so hard to keep from ever rising to the surface. I want to run from everything even me. I don't want to feel anymore...I don't want the pain. I am starting to wonder if I will ever be happy. I think I used to be...or was that just a lie I told myself to get by. I don't know anymore. I'm not sure I care. For those of you that are reading this...before you go and want to commit me...please know I am ok...just need to vent. These are the things that I battle day to day and when they become too much for me I have to put them somewhere other than inside me or I will self destruct. I do this so I can see how I feel not just feel how I feel. I am sorry if it bothers you to read these but this is the way I am and have to be. My tone will turn just not right now...

New beginning....new focus....new determination

Hello again my friends and family. It has been a long time since I have been here and been present in so many ways! There are only 15 days until I turn 40 and my last goal of fit by 40 has gone by the way side. I have come to grips that my weight will come off when I am ready...and I wasn't really ready. I was forcing myself without looking at all the things that needed to change with it. My attitude, my emotions, my responsibilities, my surroundings, my reasonings etc. I wasn't ready to make the complete change. The big part of that change is putting me first. That is something very very hard for me! But I know for me to be successful.....I have to do this and make sure I come first. Now you know this means I have to say NO to a lot of things and people, but I must remember that I AM WORTH IT! So time to get rewdy for the gym, no excuses just try my best and deal one day at a time until I am where I want to be...fit at whatever age I am....but most importantly....fit and happy!

Doing it my way

The alarm rings on my phone. Groggily I roll over and turn it off. I lay there staring at the clock snug under the covers, Bo curled up behind my legs. My mind races to find a reason not to go to the gym. Yesterday was so disappointing. I close my eyes and lay there.

Every excuse my mind came up with today, it also had a reason why I needed to go. I laid in bed for about half an hour until I drug my buns out of bed. I had made sure to make my protein shakes last night so my meal is ready to grab and guzzle down. It may not seem like much, but when you are searching for a way to get out of something, having to fix something to eat can seem like a HUGE obstacle.  I got dressed and had to force myself to go but I went.

I decided that I am going to keep a lower speed with my walk but I'm not going to seriously baby my heel. I stretched before I started. I was about 15 minutes in when 3 other women came in. Normally I don't have an issue with this but that's because I'm working hard. But when they came in, and yes they are all thin, and started on the machines every insecurity that I have ever had flooded over me. I actually wanted to stop. Not a single person was looking at me, but it didn't matter. What is with me??? Well I know that since I was walking like a snail I made myself feel fat and useless. I fought my thoughts and continued. I know that I need to push this out of my mind or I will really hurt my heel. I will think of nothing other than competing to make myself feel better that I will end up amping the speed and will pay for it later. So I turned up my music a bit louder and refocused myself. I got through a total of 30 minutes as I still had strength training to go. I left the upper level with my head down.

Once downstairs with the weights I just started my routine. I started my leg presses. I can feel my spirit start to rise again. I lowered the weight as to not put too much pressure on my heel but was still able to do 3 sets of 15 at 220 pounds!! That made me feel really good. I didn't get the burn that I usually strive for but I don't want to push too fast. I'm already doing much more than I should. I put on my weight gloves and headed over to where I do standing crunches. The grips that I normally use, another guy was using them. So I grabbed another set but they didn't fit the hook. I look up and the guy that was using the grips asks me if I need them. I nodded yes, as my headphones were still in. He walks them over to me and looks at me smiles and starts to talk to me. I take out my earbuds, and he smiles and says it's good to see you back again. My heart soared!!!! I smiled and thanked him and replied it's good to be back. Now I am the only woman at this hour that works out with these guys, there are about 6 total. I started my crunches with 80 pounds and had no problem with my first set. I let the weights go and they made a loud thunk. A new guy standing next to me jumped and looked at me like what an amazon!!! I loved it!!!! I am in my element!!!! I finished out my routine with the same weights I had stopped with about a month ago. That made me really happy. But what made me the happiest is that I was able to get my heart rate up with my weights and get a good sweat going and feel like I did something!! Still not happy with the cardio but all in all a good workout.

As for why my insecurities came back, I will have to work on that. I have grown so much from those days that I don't want that poison to seep back into me. It has no place in me anymore!!! My heel was killing me but I made sure to stretch it out again after the workout. The anti-inflammatory meds are my new best friend for awhile. I will take it easy over the weekend a bit but back at it on Monday. I could feel my heel start to hurt but as usual worked through it and dealt with it afterwards. As long as I maintain it and take care of it, I'm going to push forward and a bit harder every day. I will make this happen. I am strong enough and determined enough.

The struggle between mind and body

Well as you know I have not been around for a very long time. There has been no journey to the center of a fat woman, I have just been a fat woman. There are many reasons for this but I must say that most of them are excuses rather than actual hinderences. But there has been one actual reason that has troubled and stopped me from my journey a bit. That thorn in my side is my injured Achilles tendon. Achilles tendinitis to be exact. The doctor told me months ago to stay off of it and stretch it 5 times a day. Ok I have to admit that I have not stayed off of it and usually push it too far and too hard and well the stretching is more like 3 times a day rather than 5. I explained to him that I had just gotten into a really good workout routine that I really don't want to stop. I was told that I can continue to exercise but if I feel the slightest pain or throbbing in my heel back it off or stop. Well I thought I could do that. But when I exercise I tend to get into a mindset sort of like tunnel vision and focus on reaching the goal rather than what my body is telling me. Doesn't help that I have a HUGE tolerance for pain. So I will be exercising and by the time I notice that my heel hurts it's too late and I am off my feet for 3 days at least! I don't really want to explode my heel but I'm sort of at the point that maybe I should. Now don't get excited on me and rush to tell me how bad that would be. I won't actually do this as I am not a very good patient and I can't stand the down time. It's just the frustration is killing me!!

I went back to the gym this morning for some cardio. My weight has been a yo yo of 6-8 pounds for months. I gain and lose and gain all in the same month only to end up with no loss at all. My mental state with this is getting worse and worse. I have to fight myself to eat because nothing even sounds good to eat and everything has a ton of calories at least in my eyes right now. But back to the gym this morning. I stretched before I started the treadmill until I felt like my heel was loosened up. Turns out it wasn't. I started my walk slow and leisure for the first 5 minutes to help stretch my heel. I started to turn up the speed a bit trying to stay focused on my heel rather than my goal. I made it to about 8 minutes when I could feel my heel start to pound and the start of that sharp pain again. Ok turn down the speed. Now I'm not jogging or anything like that....I'm WALKING!!!!! In fact I feel like I am walking slower than my normal stride!!! But my heel hurts so I back off. It still hurts. I stop the treadmill and stretch out my heel. It starts to feel a bit better so I get back at it. Here we go again walking like a snail but I'm walking. My heart rate is only at about 133! That's not even enough to work up a sweat on me. I try and bump the speed again to about 2.8 on the treadmill. Now anyone that knows me knows that this speed is killing me. I don't even feel like I am working out!! I normally keep my heart rate at very least 145-157! But I stayed focused on my heel. I would push it a bit to see if maybe just walking faster might stretch it out and I can continue. No!! I ended up with only 30 minutes of cardio and didn't feel anything as far as benefits from it!! I mean come on....I didn't even work off the calories of my protein shake this morning for breakfast!! 260 calories how hard would that be to work off!!! I could do that by walking Bo! But I would come home with a sore heel and off my feet again.

So what do I do? Do I maintain trying to pay attention to my heel and have to starve myself to get the calories off? Or do I push hard like I love to do and my body needs and take the chances of my heel exploding? The whole time working out today my mind and body wanted and needed to push SOOO much harder than what I was doing but my heel thought otherwise. I have tried other forms of working out to try and not hurt my heel but again, I don't get the level of intensity that my body and mind need and crave. Being 300+ pounds there is not much that I do that doesn't put a strain on my heel. Sitting and getting up, bending over, reaching tall, and even laying on the floor to do planks, crunches, bicycle it all hurts it! And if I go by my doctors recommendations of when it hurts stop or back off I might as well do nothing!!! And I am not satisfied or happy with that!

Tomorrow is cardio and weights. I'm going to focus on my goal and try and stay in tune with how I am feeling with my heel, but I need to get my heart rate up and feel my workout. If I don't I lose interest and revert back to that old fat me again that. I really don't want that!! I am still trying for my goal weight by my birthday next year! 40 years old on Nov. 20!!! I think that would be the best 40th birthday gift ever!!!

On with the day, and trying to keep my spirits up. My fear of failure is lurking around the corner and I don't want it to catch up with me! I will not fail at this. I can't!!!!

Frustration....

Woke up this morning feeling really good! I had gone to a yoga class for the first time ever last night and did really well and felt really good. I had hit the gym early that morning and spent the afternoon working in the backyard bent over cutting down bamboo by hand. I also drank almost a gallon of water as well (I was one 16.9oz bottle away from it!) I was pretty proud of myself. Walked into the kitchen for the daily weigh in (and no I don't do this as an obsession, I weigh every morning at the gym as well to set the treadmill it's just a habit and I don't "normally" go ballistic at the results) and wanted to cry! The four pounds I had lost the week before...were gone and I had gained an extra pound!! My heart sank. I know it's not muscle that made the weight gain. It was pure and simple fat!! Now I'm not saying that it's not my fault that I got here. I ate out with mom and my sister twice this week in a row, and did have a piece of See's candy! But I was sure I had worked off what I consumed! On top of that...my blood sugar was 131!! It's been so good. Dinner was an Asian turkey burger which I made from scratch, and I did eat a cup of soup. But then I went a couple of hours later and did an hour of yoga and really worked up a sweat. Sigh.

So rather than crying and eating everything in sight, I made myself a protein shake and added some strawberries and drank breakfast. My mind was still not settled with the weight gain. I know that I had not worked as hard as I could and should have. I let outside influences distract me. Don't get me wrong, I am by no way putting the blame on anyone but myself. I know darn well who is the cause of all of this. So after kicking myself mentally a bit, I made a very hard decision.

I had known that there is only one way for me to reach my 2 pound a week loss. I had to get rid of any distraction and focus on me! As you know, it's so much more fun to chat on Facebook, play with friends, eat out, and sit on your butt. Well I had to look at do I want to reach my goal and have a lifetime of fun or do I want to sit and have some temporary fun and waste my life away. Tough decision I know. Now a healthy minded person would look at that as a no brainer. But for me it was a bit rough. I am a very social creature and do enjoy my friends and to see what they are up to. But I don't want to be that person who can't get out of their chair. So I took a deep breath and took the plunge. I wrote a good bye to all of my friends and signed off. Now I know you are thinking....you have to have some type of communication with someone. Well I do. I have taken off all of the notices from Facebook off of my phone, but my closest friends do have my phone number and can call or text me. I am not alone. I am just not allowing myself to live through others lives. It's time I get one of my own! I felt the loss of them almost instantly as my phone didn't chime with it's ever so often ding da da ding. I found myself logging in on my phone and logging off before it ever connected.  I sat there for a minute and decided...get off your butt and go move something. So I went out and did my workout. It felt good to do it. And the longing for my friends lessened a bit.

The rest of my day was a bit slow but was productive. I didn't eat everything in site, got some household chores done, and actually drank some more water! Ha ha ha!! I have made up my mind that I am going back to my protein shakes 2x a day and a healthy balanced dinner. I got away from it this last time knowing that I was going to eat out so by having cottage cheese instead I cut the calories down. But obviously my choices were not good ones. So I am going back to what I know and what worked in the past. Staying focused on me (which don't be surprised if I go a bit crazy now and then) for my greater good.

I have a long hard road ahead of me, and I know it. But I have to fight for it and through it no matter how it hurts right now. With that said......

logging off.....until tomorrow. Thank you for listening and still reading  *slight smile*

Motivation....anything I can get.

Well Happy Sunday everyone! So what are you doing? Are you sitting at home in front of the tv relaxing trying to unwind from the week you had? Or are you outside walking in the sun, playing in your garden, or having a BBQ with friends? Are you thinking oh I will start tomorrow again on my diet and exercise?  I just want to relax.

I can honestly tell you that I am usually the one who is sitting watching tv, or my favorite addiction, my computer lol. The line I tell myself is that I need a day of rest to regroup and get focused again. Well I can no longer accept that way of thinking. Because when Monday comes, I'm too busy, or tired, just don't feel like it, or just don't care to (the worst of them all!) All of these are excuses I tell myself. But I have to realize that they are just that excuses! I always have time to answer a text on my phone, post something on Facebook, watch a tv show, or just veg out!! It's where your priorities lie. And as the weather gets warmer, it usually means not wanting to go outside when it's 100 degrees, but stay in the house at a chilly 68 degrees. But all that does is allow my butt to get bigger and my self esteem sink lower.

I know it's hard to keep motivated, believe me I know. Especially if you are doing this on your own. Well I am here to tell you that there are ways if you push yourself to experience them. A couple of my favorites are my CD's of people who have lost weight from my 6 Week Body Make Over set, and watching a new show on ABC called Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition. Yes I bought all of these diet and exercise things to help me loose weight in the past, why not use them for your benefit! I take what worked for me from each thing like I like the exercises and motivational CD's of the 6 Week Body Make Over set, the exercises from Exercise Ball for Dummies, the food regime from my weight loss surgery binder for the Lap Band etc. It's all about making it work for you, what makes it fun and enticing for you! Now I know I just told you to get off your but and not watch tv. So get off your butt and dance in place while you're watching or simply walk in place. I personally ride my stationary bike. Watching while exercising makes it that much more tolerable  You know that old spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down.

I will be honest with you. I am very competitive and a bit of a perfectionist. Which sometimes makes watching these shows and listening to these CDs hard to do. My head says I can do that and I've done harder than that. Why didn't it work for me. Well duh...I didn't stick with it through the whole thing. Isn't that usually the way it goes. You do great for awhile but then you plateau, family troubles, financial troubles, or you just burn out. Then you never really get back into it. That is the time, you need to switch it up and stop what you are doing and change it till it's fun again. I have fallen victim many times to the frustration of those excuses so here I sit almost 3 years after surgery only 68 pounds lighter than BEFORE my surgery!! Now if that isn't motivational I don't know what is....well it's usually not enough for me. I have let myself settle for so long not caring or wanting anything from life. Well it's time I smack my self either in the face or the butt!

So that is what I've done. That is why I am pushing so hard to stay focused and maintain this new thrive for life and a new healthier me! I know some of you may look at me and think wow I wish I had her positive attitude and drive. Let me tell you. It is a struggle every day!!!! It's not until I really get into a routine and really start seeing results that it becomes easier for me. I don't just wake up and nearly pee my pants with excitement to get to the gym. It's a push. But I push because this is something I want. If you have followed my  BLOG for any length of time you will see many many many posts about starting over again, getting going again, really ready to do it this time. I am not so unlike all of you. I just get moments of drive and usually act upon them but I am human...I falter and have to start again. But I DO start again!!! Each time learning something new about myself what I like don't like, what worked, what didn't. It took me many years to put all of this on even if it was mindlessly done, it was done. I must now be mindful to get it off.

There are so many things out there to help you and most of them are free! Just takes time to find them. I try and bring them here to you but what works for me may not work for you. Try not watching that tv show for one night and take an hour to search the web and see what you can find. But always believe in yourself (even though that's harder for me than losing the weight).

I have just logged into Reshape The Nation, which is the guy from the show Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition. He has meal plans, exercise routines, chat rooms, videos, and much more. And he works with extreme obese people. Now granted these shows all have something that most of us don't have and that is time to do all of these things. For example....I don't have the time or gas money to spend 4-5 hours at the gym. So I make do with what I have here at home and get to the gym as often as I can.

It's in all of us to do this. I know I can do it (at least deep down I know I can still talking myself into it :o])  So give it a try.

Recipe Time!! ~ Year Round Corn Chowder

I made this soup for us on Monday of this week and hadn't posted it yet, so here it is. Now this is not a heavy chowder like most of us are used to. I would call it more of a soup, but it was tasty non the less. So before I go on and on...here is the recipe for it.

Year Round Corn Chowder

Serves 8

1/2 cup all-purpose flour

1 1/2 quarts chicken broth

1 cup half and half  (I used fat free half and half)

3 cups or 1 pound frozen or fresh corn kernels

1 pound baby (new) red or yellow potatoes, quartered (I used regular yukon gold potatoes and made them with about a 1/2-3/4 inch dice)

1 cup diced onion

1 cup diced red bell pepper  (I didn't add this, Jim is not a fan of it)

1/4 cup diced cooked bacon (use the real stuff people, turkey bacon has fillers and things and you are not using that much bacon. Enjoy the flavor of the real stuff)

2 Tablespoons unsalted butter (I used Country Crock margarine)

1 Tablespoon sugar

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon black pepper

1 teaspoon dried thyme

In a large pot, whisk the flour into the broth until no lumps remain. Add the half and half, corn, potatoes, onion, bell pepper, bacon, butter, sugar, salt, pepper, and thyme and stir to combine.

Set the lid ajar and cook the chowder over medium low heat for 35 minutes, or until the potatoes are tender. Serve immediately.

*Ok so some quick notes or suggestions. You can add all sorts of things to this recipe to change it and make it your own. Like adding shredded carrots, leeks, diced chicken or ham. Just make sure that you cut your vegetables like carrots etc small enough so they cook in the allotted time. Also if you would like this to be thicker more like a chowder, you can use a few tricks like adding some dried potato flakes or pureed cauliflower. 

I can't tell you if this would freeze well as I didn't make a whole batch so there was not much left over after dinner. It found it's way into Jim's lunch. It was very tasty and very versatile. Give it a try and let me know what you think.

Where did the time go?

Wholly cow! Really has it been a week since I posted? Ok 5 days but still. I know the weekend was a bit crazy with going out to dinner with friends (which I must say was a fantastic time!!) to buying groceries for the month without breaking the bank.

I can't remember getting anything else done other than that. I know I didn't get my exercise in but my days were full and I was always busy, but I for the life of me, can't tell you what I did! It's this kind of thinking that gets me into trouble with my staying on track. I eat like this too. I think that I am eating healthy but when I really sit down and log everything and really think about everything I shoved in my mouth, I've eaten my calories for the week!

So how am I going to solve this problem? Well I would love to say just change it, but that never works for me. I get distracted with one thing or another, not that I want to but it does happen which frustrates and causes depression within me. So I have decided that I have to keep to a schedule and a strict schedule at that. Eat at such n such time, exercise at such and such time, play on the computer...you get the idea. I must make sure that everyone in my life knows about this schedule and adheres to it if they want to be with me. At least for awhile. I am having a hard time putting myself first again and this will help me do that. I know it's going to be really tough for awhile, let's face it change usually is. Now to just sit down and make the schedule and make it doable. Yes I have a tendency to over extend myself or create too lofty of goals for myself.  So it will be a work in progress but I know that once I get a good schedule life will be much easier to walk through. I'm hoping the added stress will be diminished, my eating will be under more control, and I can finally have a set workout time other than my 2am (which I haven't been doing in forever it seems).

Fingers crossed, for a positive outcome. Better yet...no fingers crossed...it's going to be a positive outcome!! I guess that means that it's time to get off the computer and get started!!

Time to burn those calories!

Hey there everyone! Today I started my new exercise search. Since I am to lay off of my foot (diagnosed with Achilles tendinitis and not suppose to be on it much for 6 months!) I am looking for new ways to burn those calories without the hard pounding treadmill...and yes when you are as heavy as I am...I tend to pound the pavement so to speak. LOL. So Tuesday when I was killing time waiting for my appointment at the mechanics, I went magazine browsing. I can across this great little magazine called Women's Health. The one I picked up was You Ultimate Shape-Up Guide. Great title and the whole magazine was full of different exercises for different parts of your body. Perfect!!!

Today I tried the very first workout in the magazine Tone Up For a Two Piece. Now I know that I am so far from a two piece, but I knew it would work my abs really well. I gave it a shot and followed the directions for each set. I was a bit worried after the first set. I wasn't even breathing hard. I thought oh no...this is never going to get my heart rate up! But I still followed the directions. The second set I could feel a bit of my muscles getting warm. Good sign, means they are working. But still not so much heavy breathing or feeling my heart rate that high. Third set I started to sweat! Awwhhh finally!! I do believe the hardest part of the whole thing was getting up off my back for move #6! LOL. But after I finished, my heart was pumping my abs were feeling the work, and my back was nice and stretched. As for the other areas like my arms and legs...well they will have to get work from a different workout. The 5 pound weights that I was using are good for isometrics but I need to really work my arms and legs with heavier weights to maintain the strength I have in them now. But all in all a good workout. I have no doubt it will help but there needs to be more added to this if I am going to make my goal of 2 pounds a week. I worked harder doing 30-45 minutes on the treadmill. So I'm adding some time on the bike as well. But for an all around nice toning workout, this one was pretty good.