A little eye opener...

Didn't really think I was giving up....but in perspective I suppose I have....It sounds so easy...yet no task worth a struggle ever is....change your way of thinking stop fighting yourself and charge forward!

Venting

Emotions running high and on super sensitive tonight! I am like a stick of dynamite ready to explode! I am starting to wish I were more like Sybil....at least she didn't know the other personalities in her head. I am painfully aware of all of the demons that I am carrying and facing! I feel like the seven deadly sides of Tristine tonight! Anger, frustration, resentment, sadness, loathing, insanity, and shame. Gawd those flowed to easily off my fingers tonight! The kids I love I'm frustrated with tonight and have no tolerance for. Let's face it I have no tolerance for anything tonight! My head my body and my heart feel like I am just outside the eye of the storm....where everything is complete chaos and being thrown about...yet to reach the eye of the storm would be deadly...deathly silence means that I have gone deep within myself and dealt deep within that part of me I try so hard to keep from ever rising to the surface. I want to run from everything even me. I don't want to feel anymore...I don't want the pain. I am starting to wonder if I will ever be happy. I think I used to be...or was that just a lie I told myself to get by. I don't know anymore. I'm not sure I care. For those of you that are reading this...before you go and want to commit me...please know I am ok...just need to vent. These are the things that I battle day to day and when they become too much for me I have to put them somewhere other than inside me or I will self destruct. I do this so I can see how I feel not just feel how I feel. I am sorry if it bothers you to read these but this is the way I am and have to be. My tone will turn just not right now...

New beginning....new focus....new determination

Hello again my friends and family. It has been a long time since I have been here and been present in so many ways! There are only 15 days until I turn 40 and my last goal of fit by 40 has gone by the way side. I have come to grips that my weight will come off when I am ready...and I wasn't really ready. I was forcing myself without looking at all the things that needed to change with it. My attitude, my emotions, my responsibilities, my surroundings, my reasonings etc. I wasn't ready to make the complete change. The big part of that change is putting me first. That is something very very hard for me! But I know for me to be successful.....I have to do this and make sure I come first. Now you know this means I have to say NO to a lot of things and people, but I must remember that I AM WORTH IT! So time to get rewdy for the gym, no excuses just try my best and deal one day at a time until I am where I want to be...fit at whatever age I am....but most importantly....fit and happy!